Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

[Squirre]

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

I'm not sure that getting into a relationship with your Ex's brother would be a good idea but no need to feel shameful about what happened. The fact that you enjoyed it means you are ready to begin dating again. If you agree its a bad idea maybe just send him a message thanking him for a lovely evening but that you want to be clear that it can't happen again.

Exactly, if OP was saying she helped her sisters ex out with something and then slept with him people would be questioning why out of all the single people did you choose your sisters ex. It’s not a good look for him and OP is enabling this by being part of it.

no point beating yourself up about it but I don’t recommend this becomes a thing.

I agree with Pp that this could unnecessarily tear a family apart plus I doubt BIL wants anymore than FWB.

Also how old was your BIL when you first met him and how old were you? I’m just hoping he isn’t living out some kind of belated Teen fantasy.

Seriously? She’s done nothing wrong but he did? How do you work that out.

and I’m fairly sure if your partner and you split and he shagged your little sister who he’d known growing up you’d not be saying ir was neither wrong or immoral.

This. I don’t think OP needs to hide away in guilt as it’s already happened but I’m surprised so many people are saying she’s done nothing wrong.

exactly @Janieforever people would be calling the man a predator or a creep.

@Squirre you live and learn and can’t change the past but the point is to do better next time. No matter what the cool kids are saying in this thread - it’s a terrible idea to let this situation become a thing.

Don't feel ashamed. It's pointless (plus you've nothing to be ashamed about)
Think hard whether to 'carry on' though. He won't be around much (Navy) &, as you get most of your support from exH family then if they react badly (likely) you will be cutting off a huge chunk of your support.
The plus point to all this is that you have had the chance to remember that you are a living breathing woman with needs & that part 'hasn't died' with all the stress. In time you can go look for a nice new partner who is less closely related.

Any good will towards you by your exs family will disappear overnight.
Absolute madness.
You are self sabotaging.
They are all you and your son have. FGS. One relationship blown up:lets do the whole family.

Gosh, who knew there were mathematical formulas for this stuff.

It is not about shame, it is about being semi decent. It is about FAMILY VALUES.

You are 33, divorced, DC, in a not great situation. He is in the navy and 29 and related and ALL loyalty will be with him. You fool.

Look, it's really not that bad I went to school with someone whose dad married his grown up sons ex wife his grandchildren became his step children his first ex wife still had a relationship with her grandchildren

They seemed to get along OK 🤷‍♀️

Life is short, go for it

He's 29 I'm 33.

Frankly he sounds an immature 29 year old to have even crossed the boundary of jumping his brother's ex in anything but thought. And as the oldest of the two and being a woman, people will place the blame for any fallout on you, despite you clearly being the one in the most emotionally vulnerable position.

Even if the family 'accept' (i.e. become reluctantly resigned) to the situation it's bloody awkward for your child and for them. Do you want more children in the future? How will that pan out? At 29 he has plenty of time to mature and change, but you will really really be part of the family, doubly so, and if it goes wrong in the end you will have potentially left chaos behind.

Find yourself a nice new man! Start anew! It's familiarity, which is pulling you. It's not totally dissimilar from wanting to jump into bed with your ex's far more understanding best friend.

I also agree that it still come out after drinking too much or after an argument 😬

But to be honest it's already a mess. You feel the pull and now are entangled.

Yea I’m quite surprised so many people are okay with this. This is wrong IMO. No ifs, ands, or buts. “One true love” doesn’t exist and it doesn’t need to be the uncle to your kids. Move on. Have some ethics, boundaries, and moral integrity.

I also question the motives of the BIL. It really is crossing a line that most people wouldn't.

Someone that is prepared to have sex with their sibling's ex has very low boundaries and shows a real selfish streak.... he doesn't mind doing something that would upset his brother if it means he can get his leg over. It doesn't reflect well on him at all.

I can absolutely see how this happened.

He helped you bring your child to care, went to the cinema, spent quality time with you and took you home. He saw you as human and "gave" something. That is intimacy right there. And that is a magic ingredient - especially for someone who has burden on her shoulders. He carried it through by being an attentive lover, and being present the morning after.

You should not feel shame. Why throw away something lovely with that sentiment?

Be straight with him. Tell him you feel akward as hell, shy about it, would hate the family to know and that you have masive responsibilities. You cannot be triffeled with.

Most of all, allow yourself the notion that a little fun, being treated well, being "seen" in this way is ok.

I like the sound of him. I hope you go for it. 🤗

Nothing like a bit of romance...

*triffiled

Thanks everyone. I'm a bit worried to give too many details now hadn't really thought about it going outside of here. Divorce is finalised and we were seperated before. Ex is official with his new partner she's met dc etc. So it's done and dusted from that side.

Dc is obviously my number 1 priority and always will be.

I think if ex bil was anyone else it would be the perfect situation tbh. He's a lovely, fun, sweet person, the sex was great and he's away most of the time 🙈. I'm not really able to "date" with caring responsibilities and everything else in my life. Though my actions here speak differently I wouldn't want a casual hook up. I wouldn't want to waste my respite time on potentially shitty men and shitty shags and I'm usually so bloody knackered I just go to bed 🙈

All the sex stuff needs to get locked back away! Reassuring that it's normal to be caring after sex. Sounds daft but my bar was obviously on the floor and at least now there's a better standard!

If ex bil was around more often I'd be worried about it happening again and getting feelings. I'm over thinking things already! He's not so that make things easier. I just don't know whether to actually talk about it with him or just ignore it completely. He's not broached anything with me directly but is messaging me more than normal.

I don't think he planned anything and i don't think he had bad intentions. The more i think about it (and ive been doing that a lot) i think we were both in a bubble after having a really fun, silly evening together and just ignored everything else for better or worse. Maybe it's right time - wrong person or right time - right person - completely wrong situation. Whatever it is it's too messy and it's not worth it. If something is meant for me in the future it will happen but until then i just need to push those romantic/sex whatever wants aside again.

People asking about having other children - I wouldn't chose to have another child so theres no risk of sibling/cousins! In some other life I would have loved a big family but it wasn't meant to be. And another reason it wouldn't be fair on ex bil if things did carry on - he deserves to have relationships and a family and all those things without complications.

I haven't got anybody to talk to about this so I'll leave it up for a bit longer as it's helping me get my head straight and then I'll see if i can delete. I'm not sure if reposting without the context will help as this situation is basically all context 🙈

Thanks again for replying it all helps put things in perspective.

It seems like you are good freinds with your ex-BIL and have been for a long time. He comes to see you at your house and helps with your DS.
IF, and only IF, you feel like you'd like to start a relationship with him, then carry on being good friends, he continues to come round as he has always done. You can discuss the issue between the two of you while still presenting as good friends to everyone else.
If you do get together in the longer term over time the family might not be too surprised, in view of your long and close friendship. These things happen.

Or maybe he really likes the op.

Maybe he disagrees profoundly with his brother walking out on her and her child.

Maybe he looks at her and admires her.

Maybe he loves her?

Maybe he has always loved her?

Why is that he just wants to get his leg over? That is both cynical and deprecating to the op.

Yes I think this is the issue. Whether it would upset the apple cart in a family that has supported you a lot. But even if you don’t pursue this any further let it give you the confidence to date other people.

I’m really dismayed at some of the morals of folks on here, who seem to think it’s alright to shag your ex spouses sibling , and would apparently be all ok with their ex husband or wife shagging their sister or brother.

no wonder Jeremy Kyle had so many seasons for so many years. When your view point is keeping it in the family and fucking your ex husband or wife’s sibling is something you deserve, it’s setting a real low moral bar.

Wind it bloody well in.

She is sole carrer to her disabled child, is clearly full of ethics, boundaries and moral integrity.

Your own could do with a shake up here.

Two adults got together, and had, by the sounds of it, good fun together.

It is pretty biblical actually - look it up!

This case should be treated differntly because of the life the op leads - clearly one dedictaed to the care of her child who has many needs. This she does alone.

It is not some squalid encounter - there is a lot more to this.

Absolutely grim to sleep with your ex’s brother. As PP said, if ever there was a guy who was off limits then your ex husband’s brother is it. Also, what kind of guy sleeps with his brother’s ex. Not a good guy.

This has disaster written all over it and only has the potential to cause long term upset for a lot of people.

Go for it. Life is short.

I must be an awful person OP but tbh I'd keep seeing him and say nothing to no one. If it becomes serious then you can think about to handle it but for now, it's fun and he's nice and sex is good so have at it. Your ex doesn't seem like he's that bothered and you're already in with the in-laws... 🤣 just have some fun,you deserve it.