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Original poster

Offered kids dad what he wanted but on condition introduces new partners slowly

157 replies

sopwd · 25/10/2023 09:48

He has moved in instantly after cheating. The kids saw us together last time they saw him.

It's only been two months

I said he's more than welcome to every weekend (which he asked for) on the conditions he spends one on one time with the kids, and stay at his own house with them then slowly introduces his new girlfriend. I said for example stay at your house she comes and visits for dinner or you go out to the park etc. then next time she can do both. Then the next more. Then following kids can stay at her house if he wants them too. On the condition he has time one on one with kids. By end of next month happy for him to have them at his girlfriends all the time just let them meet her and make her not a stranger first.

All of my friends and family suggested I did this too, to not get kids too attached, and scare them. It's only been a month I've been seeing this guy and he's only over after kids sleep still and it's working out well with the amount of time with kids/ new partner

Also asked for photos of beds (he had them stay before years ago and made them sleep on the floor) and never cleaned their teeth changed clothes. And they said they had nothing to do. So I said make sure you have these things

Am I unfair because hee taken a massive huff saying I make it nearly impossible for him to see the kids

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/10/2023 09:50

I get where you’re coming from but realistically you can’t micromanage what they do when with him. As long as they are safe and happy there isn’t much you can do to control things

Ibravedaflood · 25/10/2023 09:52

None of your business who he takes dc with. On the other hand is a new relationship really going to blossom when he has dc in tow?

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 09:53

@Sirzy is he right to be pissy? I am definitely not allowing them over without photos of beds etc. i have proof he did that in the past

OP posts:
CountryStore · 25/10/2023 09:53

Don't you want to spend any weekend time with the kids? Seems a bit unfair that he should get all the leisure time with them!

Blushingm · 25/10/2023 09:54

I can see where you're coming from but what he does when the kids are with him is up to him - you can have an opinion but you have no control what he does. He's their parent as much as you are

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 09:57

@Ibravedaflood I agree they are both questionable characters and she already has a child. They'd have 4 between them and hes a useless dad. I don't think they'd cope.

This is also one of the many times he's left.

He has no intentions of seeing the kids I think

He said soemthing along the lines I clearly don't care if he has a relationship with the kids and I replied ofc I don't you've never been involved and missed our youngest birthday and first day of school for a new girlfriend why would I care if you're involved and I think he's now using that as his victim playing card.

OP posts:
Nousernamesleftatall · 25/10/2023 09:57

So you broke up 2 months ago and you have a boyfriend of 1 month who comes to your house? Sorry but those in glass houses…

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 09:59

@Nousernamesleftatall he doesn't come until after the kids are asleep I said that. If I didn't live without the kids Id have the kids over at my own house.

Also my plan is to slowly introduce him too not have him moved on already like my ex is. Like I suggested too

I can't leave the kids alone to go to my partners. Our only option is to have him around at nights when kids are asleep and he leaves for work before they wake up.

OP posts:
ABeautifulThing · 25/10/2023 09:59

None of your business!!
It is your business if their dad is making crap choices that affect your children.
To be honest I think you've been incredibly generous, that's still a lot very quickly!

Where is their time to get used to a new normal before they're expected to accept your replacement without emotional turbulence.

He should be giving them time and care, helping them navigate their distress at this change, not just expecting them to get with the programme of a situation that is all for his benefit and takes nothing into account of what they can understand and process and the time that takes.

He thinks you've made it impossible, ha - hardly, it easily achievable, the only 'difficult' thing about it is that he can't do what you've asked and have exactly what he wants at the same time... So who's the real problem!?

SaracensMavericks · 25/10/2023 10:00

You think he has no intention of seeing the kids? In that case why not just agree and see how it plays out? Then you're not the one being awkward.

Catza · 25/10/2023 10:01

I am so confused by all of this!
You say he doesn't want to see the kids but also that he asked to have them every weekend.
You also say he left two months ago but also mentioning he missed birthdays and first day at school because of the new girlfriend. Is that all in the space of two months?
The kids saw him last time when you were together but also somehow slept on the floor of his house previously.
None of this makes any sense, I'm afraid.

Chunkychips23 · 25/10/2023 10:01

You can’t dictate who or how your ex partner spends time with your children. Unless you are generally concerned there’s a risk there.

Don’t go down the route of micromanaging his time with the children, it doesn’t end well for anyone.

I completely understand you are wanting what’s best for your children and if your ex is a bit useless, it’s going to be hard to feel comfortable. He may feel the same about you having a man in the house once your children are in bed.

ShanghaiDiva · 25/10/2023 10:01

How old are the children?

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:01

@ABeautifulThing this!! Exactly what I think. My ex grew up with his mum moving him into 5 boyfriends houses before he was 8. He thinks people are disposable and replaceable (his kids included)

I'm terrified they will too with him doing that

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:04

@Catza I maybe have made it seem confusing

Sleeping on the floor was 2 year ago when we broke up for a couple of weeks

Yes in the space of two months was birthday and first day of school. He went to the partners child's first day of later primary school instead of our 5 year olds first day of primary school

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:04

@Catza yes last time the kids saw him, we were together. The day he moved into this new person house we all spend the day as a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:05

@Catza I offered him time for our youngest birthday

And to come to first day of school, even offered him to bring someone. I brought my friend too so we wouldn't have to actually be around each other etc. he refused both then said it was my fault

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:06

@ShanghaiDiva 3,5 and 7. If they were older I'd have no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:07

@Chunkychips23 is this maybe my issue? He's very useless I hate the thought of his mum not helping him out with the kids

I know the girlfriend too and she was fully aware of me and the kids

She's not too involved with her child either

OP posts:
Catza · 25/10/2023 10:08

sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:04

@Catza I maybe have made it seem confusing

Sleeping on the floor was 2 year ago when we broke up for a couple of weeks

Yes in the space of two months was birthday and first day of school. He went to the partners child's first day of later primary school instead of our 5 year olds first day of primary school

Thanks for clarifying.
You are being a responsible parent thinking about your kids being thrown into a new situation too quickly but, in reality, you cannot police how he parents. Making sure kids have somewhere to sleep is important (maybe his word would be enough rather than sending you pictures of beds) but structuring contact with his new partner may appear as too controlling. I would probably ease off on that and just ask for him to sensible and trust his judgement (however difficult it may be).

SuperSange · 25/10/2023 10:09

You both sound as bad as each other tbh. I can't believe you've got a new fella coming to your house, even while the kids are asleep. They're quite little, what if one of them wakes up and comes down? You're showing them little regard in their own home. I'm not clear why you think you're putting them and their emotional stability first when you're not.

Forgotmylogindetails · 25/10/2023 10:10

you can only do you, unfortunately unless your children are at risk of being in danger it’s got sod all to do with you what they do with their dad in his time.

mines dad moved on with various women I didn’t meet anyone (got a dog instead much less hassle ) kids seemed fine , enjoyed him actually doing stuff with them to impress the women.

novelty soon wears off and I imagine the contact will come less and less.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2023 10:12

What a disaster.

TheFireflies · 25/10/2023 10:12

Every weekend? When do the children get to do fun things as a family with you?

ShanghaiDiva · 25/10/2023 10:16

SuperSange · 25/10/2023 10:09

You both sound as bad as each other tbh. I can't believe you've got a new fella coming to your house, even while the kids are asleep. They're quite little, what if one of them wakes up and comes down? You're showing them little regard in their own home. I'm not clear why you think you're putting them and their emotional stability first when you're not.

This.
You are asking you ex to slowly introduce girlfriend to children, which is sensible but are not adopting the same approach yourself.
waking up and finding a stranger in their home is not appropriate imo.

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