Offered kids dad what he wanted but on condition introduces new partners slowly

[sopwd]

He has moved in instantly after cheating. The kids saw us together last time they saw him.

It's only been two months

I said he's more than welcome to every weekend (which he asked for) on the conditions he spends one on one time with the kids, and stay at his own house with them then slowly introduces his new girlfriend. I said for example stay at your house she comes and visits for dinner or you go out to the park etc. then next time she can do both. Then the next more. Then following kids can stay at her house if he wants them too. On the condition he has time one on one with kids. By end of next month happy for him to have them at his girlfriends all the time just let them meet her and make her not a stranger first.

All of my friends and family suggested I did this too, to not get kids too attached, and scare them. It's only been a month I've been seeing this guy and he's only over after kids sleep still and it's working out well with the amount of time with kids/ new partner

Also asked for photos of beds (he had them stay before years ago and made them sleep on the floor) and never cleaned their teeth changed clothes. And they said they had nothing to do. So I said make sure you have these things

Am I unfair because hee taken a massive huff saying I make it nearly impossible for him to see the kids

Despite what all the pearl clutchers are thinking, having house guests of any sex is not a safeguarding issue.

OP you have a bloke you've known for a month in your house with 3 very young, unrelated children. Slow down, this is not safe. You can't account for his whereabouts when you're asleep.

OP seems to have disappeared.

How can you say that? Men have been known to target vulnerable women with young kids. He stays the night when she is asleep and he is a stranger.

This post is so bizarre . Cheating , missed birthdays , new partner all within a blink of an eye.

The only thing I don't think you're being unreasonable about is the beds. He absolutely should be providing beds for his children and I don't think you're wrong to insist on that. Baffling to me people saying "he can parent how he wants!"... I mean, yes, he can, but if he doesn't provide beds for his children he's a shockingly bad parent. A mattress on the floor as a bare minimum. Struggling to believe people on here would be A-OK with their children sleeping on the floor 2 nights a week because "none of my business what their dad does".

Everything else, kindly OP you need to give yourself a talking to. You and your ex both need to grow up and stop prioritising your respective genitals or scoring points against each other over your children.

You sound obstructive and controlling and are clearly invested in point scoring and your 'relationship' being better than his. You've got no high ground here but you also aren't listening to anyone so why exactly did you post? 🙄

So does it mean every man is a danger to kids in any circumstance? What about their dad? He is a man who is left unsupervised with children and dads "have been known" to sexually abuse their own children.
I presume the OP is not dating a registered sex offender. How often do you supervise your friends when they use a bathroom upstairs? What if they molest your children while you are not looking (statistically, a much more likely scenario than being harmed by a complete stranger)?
I am all for being cautious but there is a difference between caution and blanket suspicion of everyone in possession of a penis.

This.
It's up to him when he introduces new partners to the kids.

I can't actually believe I've just read this. Horrifying

Who kept the beds that were in the family home and who was expected to get new beds?

You can't micromanage his relationships and using your kids as pawns to try and control him is going to backfire on you. You are also with someone new and already having him stay over. You have no leg to stand on.

Are you okay with him giving you rules and insisting you follow them or he wont bring the kids back?

I can never understand why people want to rush into a new relationship, as soon as their old one ends. Especially when there are children involved.
Having a man you don’t really know in your house overnight is dangerous. You aren’t protecting your children, you’re just thinking of yourself.

In the space if eight weeks the children have had to.adapt to.their parents splitting up.and both moving on very quickly ,the op is complaining that her ex is introducing his new girlfriend too.quickly whilst simultaneously introducing new boyfriend of four weeks to.her young children and having him.stay over
I hate the mums net rhetoric of all.men are abusers too
But if this is real both parents are as bad as each other and don't see to.have any care or consideration over how their kids must be feeling

I presume the OP is not dating a registered sex offender

How would the OP know? It's only been a few weeks, and sex offenders do not tell new partners that they're a paedophile the moment they meet.

Indeed and not to.mention not all sex offenders are registered.

You're right, having house guests of any sex is not normally a safeguarding issue.

What is a safeguarding issue is allowing a very new partner (male or female) to stay overnight in a house with young children when you don't know them at all as you've only been dating a few weeks.

Plus what kind of man jumps into a relationship with a mother of young children just weeks after her relationship ended? Surely the family (well, the children at least) are still grieving and adjusting to the change/trauma. It is selfish to just dismiss that because you want to nail the mam.

Totally get that. But my comment was aimed at people who suggest having a man in your house is a safeguarding issue, which it isn't. It's a red herring which contributes nothing to the discussion of whether or not the OP being unreasonable to suggest her ex conforms to her terms of him seeing his own children.

You come across as highly controlling and you seem to think the children are yours, you are in charge & the most important parent (which you are not - the father is equal).

You are unreasonable to put conditions in place.

You are unreasonable to dictate that the father ‘spends one on one time with the kids’.

You are unreasonable to dictate that he ‘stay at his own house with them’

You get no say in when he introduces his new partner. Did you ask his permission’?

You are completely unreasonable to ask for photos of beds.

Please don’t use the children as weapons / pawns. You aren’t in charge or control. He has every right to see HIS children and he’s an equal parent.

I'll just leave this here
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/kUOcts3fIkU?feature=share
Just keep your house secure. It's more common than you think

He needs beds for the children or somewhere suitable for them to sleep so YANBU in that respect.

I say this kindly as a fellow single mum OP, I can only echo above comments that say having a strange man (strange to your kids) stay over is not appropriate. There are several things you have to accept as a single mum, whether you chose to be one or not. Just like you can't nip out to the shop for milk at 10pm, you can't bring strangers to stay over in your bed whilst your dc are there.

Children don't do well in unstable home environments like the ones you are describing. You need to keep things familiar for them.

FFs both of you with new partners after 2 months....my heart breaks for those children.

Why don't you buy a couple of fold up beds and give it to dad, then the issues of beds is sorted?

Unfortunately I think OP is trying to compete with her ex and rush things to show him how happy she is.

It’s all very childish and they both need to stop point scoring and think about what’s best for the kids.

God. To be honest I think having a new partner over after splitting just 2 months ago is likely to be far more distracting for them. What if one for them wakes up for something to see strange man in their house. I am also a bit shocked at you not having your kids at all at weekends . That's the best bit!
In summary given your own behaviour I don't think you're in any position to throw stones.