Offered kids dad what he wanted but on condition introduces new partners slowly

[sopwd]

He has moved in instantly after cheating. The kids saw us together last time they saw him.

It's only been two months

I said he's more than welcome to every weekend (which he asked for) on the conditions he spends one on one time with the kids, and stay at his own house with them then slowly introduces his new girlfriend. I said for example stay at your house she comes and visits for dinner or you go out to the park etc. then next time she can do both. Then the next more. Then following kids can stay at her house if he wants them too. On the condition he has time one on one with kids. By end of next month happy for him to have them at his girlfriends all the time just let them meet her and make her not a stranger first.

All of my friends and family suggested I did this too, to not get kids too attached, and scare them. It's only been a month I've been seeing this guy and he's only over after kids sleep still and it's working out well with the amount of time with kids/ new partner

Also asked for photos of beds (he had them stay before years ago and made them sleep on the floor) and never cleaned their teeth changed clothes. And they said they had nothing to do. So I said make sure you have these things

Am I unfair because hee taken a massive huff saying I make it nearly impossible for him to see the kids

I keep seeing messages saying OP can't dictate how ex-DH spends time with his kids, but as primary caregiver am sure she has safeguarding responsibilities and would have to explain to SW if she sent them to an unsafe or neglectful environment- so think her questions about beds etc are reasonable.

The more i read this post the more i think it's total madness!
You need a dictionary to look up the word slow! You've been with him a month and he's already met the kids. Say you do an average of a date a week or maybe two in the early days i am guessing you'd only met him a couple of times before the kids did.
When you've got 3 young kids you need to accept that you need to adapt your lifestyle and if you're going to call your ex for doing what he's doing then you need to look in the mirror.
Did he have any say in you introducing your kids to the new boyfriend? I bet he didn't!

She doesn't have to send them to an 'UNSAFE OR NEGLECTFUL ENVIRONMENT'

They are living in one full time already.....with her

You sound controlling and hard work.

She doesn't have to send them to an 'UNSAFE OR NEGLECTFUL ENVIRONMENT'

They are living in one full time already.....with her

How very unlike the home life of our dear Queen.

Neither of you are being responsible here, are you.
Split up 2 months ago and there are already 2 new strangers around them.

But it's ok for her too her boyfriend of four weeks stay over already whilst the kids are there 🤔
That's not a,safeguarding issue?

How many kids has your new bloke got? Do they stay over?

You have moved on too and have a new boyfriend. I agree with posters saying you can't micromanage his access time,

And having an unknown man sleeping in the house isn’t creating a potential unsafe situation?

between sleeping on the floor (if that’s the case) and sleeping with an unknown man in the house I know which is the bigger safeguarding risk!

So you don't want your ex having them overnight with his new gf but you are doing exactly that with someone you've know the same amount of time (I don't believe 3, 5 and 7 year olds never wake in the night and need their parents).

You say he is a terrible parent yet you have clearly taken him back on more than one occasion so how bad can he be?

In 'normal' circumstances I would say it's natural to want to know your dc are safe and happy when they are with the other parent (I am also divorced) but you are both as bad as each other and I feel sorry for your poor dc who come last on the list for both parents after their latest gf/bf.

Just because he does something, doesn't mean you have to go 'one better'.

I know it's hard to hear but you should focus on yourself if you want any rights to criticise your ex. You should not be having a 'partner' stay overnight when your children are home. You need to put them first and move slowly.

Exactly.
The OPs children are the exact type of children who are at risk of abuse at the hands of strangers in the home.
Neither of the parents are safeguarding their children or giving them much thought at all by introducing adults into what should be their safe environment so early after meeting them.
The fact that Dad seems more irresponsible doesn't get the OP off the hook for also being irresponsible.

Sorry OP but I'm more concerned about you having a man you barely know staying in your house with 3 young children. That's completely insane!

I completely agree with all of this.

You can't make rules.

I think you're crazy to give up every weekend.

Well firstly there’s no suggestion the OW is looking after the OP’s kids but yes morally I completely agree with you, It shouldn’t happen. But how do you think this could be “policed” in reality if there’s no suggestion the other person is a danger to the kids? You can request that very slow, gradual introductions are made or that the other parent puts their kids before their sex life or their latest piece of interest but you can’t force it.

I think you need to scrutinise your own setup to be honest.

You’ve been with this man for a month and he’s already staying over with your young children in the house and you’re referring to him as ‘your partner’?
What if one of your children had a bad dream or was unwell in the night. How shocking and frightening it would be for them to bump into a strange man in the bathroom or find him in your bed!

This is very concerning from a Safeguarding point of view, and if you do as you mention involve social services in your ex- partner’s arrangements then yours will rightly also be called into question.

Are you both old enough to even have kids?

The beds are absolutely your business the new partner not so much

Social workers have better things to do then play your Tit for Tat games
But if you did call them they might find your own behaviour questionable

Yep, the new bloke's dick comes before her children, hence why she doesn't want them around

Afraid this is spot on, OP

You picked him.

He picked you.

You both appear to be playing musical partners overnight.

Dear me. You only split up 8 weeks ago and you both have new partners. And you're angry with him as he wants to introduce his new gf to your kids!!

Meanwhile your new boyfriend is already staying over at your house while the kids are asleep.

Your 3, 5 and 7 year old are in your house while you're shagging some new man.

Oh but that's ok, they're asleep. Tough shit if any of them have a bad dream and want to snuggle in with their mummy, because you know their parents have just split up!!

Tough shit if they wake up in the middle of the night and want a wee and bumpy into random man in the corridor.

I'm so sorry to be harsh OP but you really need to take a step back and think of your kids. You brought these 3 wee innocents into the world, your duty is to protect and nourish them.

Does not sound they are going to have a stable time when or if they go visit their dad. So the extra need stability and security with you.

You need to bin the "boyfriend" yes you need to make sacrifices for at least a few months.

In answer to your original question. No there's not a thing you can do when kids are with their dad.

Please take a step back for a while OP, and look at the whole picture.