Offered kids dad what he wanted but on condition introduces new partners slowly

[sopwd]

He has moved in instantly after cheating. The kids saw us together last time they saw him.

It's only been two months

I said he's more than welcome to every weekend (which he asked for) on the conditions he spends one on one time with the kids, and stay at his own house with them then slowly introduces his new girlfriend. I said for example stay at your house she comes and visits for dinner or you go out to the park etc. then next time she can do both. Then the next more. Then following kids can stay at her house if he wants them too. On the condition he has time one on one with kids. By end of next month happy for him to have them at his girlfriends all the time just let them meet her and make her not a stranger first.

All of my friends and family suggested I did this too, to not get kids too attached, and scare them. It's only been a month I've been seeing this guy and he's only over after kids sleep still and it's working out well with the amount of time with kids/ new partner

Also asked for photos of beds (he had them stay before years ago and made them sleep on the floor) and never cleaned their teeth changed clothes. And they said they had nothing to do. So I said make sure you have these things

Am I unfair because hee taken a massive huff saying I make it nearly impossible for him to see the kids

He can let whoever he wants around his kids unless there's a danger. It doesn't matter if it's a friend or a new girlfriend. You might be annoyed by it but unless there's a risk, you can't tell him who they can and can't see.

Well, it's where they'll be heading when their natural inclination to be very upset that important bonds can be easily shifted, discarded and replaced is dismissed, ignored or written off, and all the choices and behaviour from all the adults around them tell them their point of view is silly and pointless and doesn't matter because all the grown ups are cracking on as though people are disposable and irrelevant and it's fine and normal.

He's shallow, and he's teaching them to be shallow. Let's all base our big life decisions on our latest sexual attraction... That's the life lesson they're getting.
Personally I wouldn't allow him anything that exposed them unprotected to this, who wants to see their kids recreate being person like him, he's pathetic... he's flaky so when the going gets tough he'll fade away and give up.

This. It sounds like a mess all around with parents putting their sex lives ahead of everything else.

the children need stability and you need to work with your ex to provide that. If it ends up going through court nothing you have posted would prevent him having contact but it would cause even more tension all around.

You have no right to dictate his life same as he can't dictate yours

Your partner? The guy you've been hooking up with for a month?
If the father of children takes you to court you will find out swiftly that you don't get to call the shots about introducing "partners". It cuts both ways.

Wow you are both putting your needs before your poor kids. This is such a mess!

So in the space of 56 days, a child has started reception, parents have split up, dad's shacking up with someone new, mum has found a serious new boyfriend, kids are seeing dad every weekend (so mum can see important new bf more?) and your issue is he is moving too fast. I think there are a few more issues than just that tbh.

I think YABU. I understand why you feel uncomfortable with him introducing a partner so soon but really it's not your decision to make.

He is equally your child's parent just as much as you are. That might be hard to stomach if you end up being left doing 90% of the parenting but legally speaking he is. He doesn't need your permission to introduce his children to anyone. Unless there is a serious safety concern involving the person he's with then it's really not up to you.

It sounds from your posts that you think you get to set all of the rules regarding your children and he has to either follow them or not see them. That is unreasonable.

When you say you split up for a couple of weeks and they slept on the floor what do you mean? Did he have a new place and just cba to get them beds so they literally had a blanket on the floor or did he for example, move in with parents for a couple of weeks and they had a blow up bed on the floor or something? If the latter I don't think that's the end of the world and I don't think it's right to use it 2 years down the line to prevent him seeing his children and demanding photographs etc..

I imagine if he demanded photographs from you to prove what you have for the children you'd tell him to swivel.

I think this sounds a bit like mums way or the highway. You say in one breath that he doesnt want to see the children but in the next say that he wants them every weekend but you're putting obstacles in the way of that, new partner, photographs of beds or they can't come etc..

I appreciate you may think all of this is in your child's best interest but he is their parent too and whether you agree with them all or not he is entitled to make decisions about their time with him.

I don't agree with every decision you seem to have made personally but you're their parent so 🤷‍♀️

I suspect the OP is more interested in doing fun things with her new "partner" at the weekends.

You are all fast movers. All 4 adults. The ages of 7,5 and 3 is incredibly young and all 4 adults seem to be moving at a pace that is going to be very confusing for such little children. Are you ready for a new relationship? Are you feeling emotionally okay if it's only been 8 weeks? I was reeling from my marriage breakdown in 2014 for a good 5 years, I got into a very short lived relationship after 2 years separation and looking back I realise even that was too soon for me and my DC and it was a short, sharp lesson for me. I was only ready when I met my now DH in 2019. As you are the DC's primary carer it sounds like you are going to have to put them first and parent fiercely and consistently here - your ex sounds like a waste of space.

Can you just dial back, take some time to sort all this out and settle the kids before adding the complication of other adults being around these kids? It's clear your ex doesn't GAF so unfortunately you are going to have to do the job of two parents by the sound of it.

This. You’ve no idea who this new man you’ve only known a few weeks really is. Apart from the possibility of them waking up in the night and coming to find you, only to see a strange man in their home; you’re giving him access to your children whilst they’re sleeping and vulnerable. Both you and your ex need to put your own sex lives aside and parent your children properly, they must be ridiculously anxious and confused with mum and dad each moving other people in having only broken up a couple of months ago.

Why is your new bloke spending the night at your house when you have three small children and you haven’t been with him long? I know you said he leaves for work in the morning but I can’t believe that always 100% works out with little ones up in the night. You already have weekends with him if your children are with their father. I’d be more concerned about that than making up rules for your ex.

@MoreThanPercy no we split 2 years ago ish and he had the money to but never bothered to get beds

Yes pillow and blanket on the floor but he had a bed. Never thought to sleep on the floor give the kids the bed

Also wouldn't let them sleep on his couches for some reason

What stipulations has he placed on you and the rate at which you introduce your new bloke to the children?

They’re your children, it’s your natural instinct to want to protect them and know what is going on in their lives. It will be hard to trust that they’re fine with their Dad and his new gf.

I’m coming at this from a step mums angle. My DH has 3 children. Although he and his ex were divorced 9yrs before I even met him, she’s still incredibly controlling and tries to micromanage ant contact. I tried to approach getting to know her children with respect for her - I agree with you that your ex’s new gf should do it all slowly. We did things like a lunch all together, a cinema trip, day out at the park etc before socialising in the home together. We certainly left it a while before we did any overnights when his kids were there!

Basically, you do need to try and get comfortable with him introducing your children to whomever he likes, as unpleasant and unnatural as it may feel. All that will happen if you don’t is you’ll end up feeling resentful and bitter and it’s the kids who will feel the brunt of that. My DH kids have ended up anxious and stressed because of their Mum policing their time with their Dad, insisting on constant calls and updates when they’re with him. It all turned to bitterness and alienation and it’s taken a long time for those children to recover.

@WhereDoYouGo1

It works out he comes over at 9 ish then leaves at 6 am for work

Kids sleep by 7 and don't get up until 7-7.30

No they don't go to the dads at the weekend. If they did I'd only see him at the weekend

The kids dad asked for the weekend which I agreed to yet he blocked me instead. I'm asking on this if I have actually been unreasonable by saying I want photos of beds/ anything to sleep on since in the past he had them on the floor
Then I said go slow with the new girlfriend just cos you've moved in the kdis havent. Kids haven't seen him at all in two months cos he was too busy there. Never asked to see them etc. which is why I'm saying go slow also cos they haven't even seen him.

Never thought to sleep on the floor give the kids the bed

You say this was two years ago, so the children would have been 1, 3 and 5.

The children might have thought that sleeping on the floor was an adventure.

@Chunkychips23 this exactly what you did is what I'm asking him to!! He has an issue with it though because him and the girlfriend want overnights right away

Kids haven't seen him for months and he missed birthdays which is also why I'm saying slow

You can't not see them then go we've moved in with this women who's a stranger to you

I am okay with him introducing new people which is why I said slowly then in a months time have them overnight.

@TheShellBeach it's still not okay if it's to be a permanent set up. If he does actually want every weekend needs to be beds. I'm sure they'd get back issues etc.

You cannot tell him what he can and cannot do with his own kids.

They are just as much his as yours and you make it seem like you are doing him a favour by letting him see them.

You can absolutely ask that he goes slow with introducing his new gf, in the best interests of the kids.
But whether he agrees to this or not, is nothing to do with you and you can’t stop him seeing his own kids for this reason.

You also have no right to ask for photos of the beds or to allow him to see his kids under any other conditions.

You are verging on being quite controlling.

I think it’s also a bad idea that you have your brand new boyfriend coming over when the kids are there.
You are being hypocritical.
There is no reason you can’t just spend the night with him when they’re at their dads.

Co-parenting is very difficult and I understand that you are trying to find your feet.

But neither of you should be making rules for each other and giving each other conditions to see your own kids (unless their safety is at risk).

You can discuss things and ask that things happen and come to compromises etc but neither of you can say to the other “you can only see the kids if you do X, Y, Z.”

@TheShellBeach we spoke about this years ago when he had them sleeping on the floor

And both agreed to slowly which I said again to him - not overnights straight away

But he's so scared my relationship is going faster or better than his he demanded overnights straight away without even seeing the kids for 2 months and missing important days. Also our 7 year old has a smart watch and tried to phone him
Many times and he ignored them. She deleted his number and said she doesn't want to see him. I passed this on so surely he should take it slow himself let alone another adult who is a stranger to the kids

YABVU. It’s none of your business who he sees or what he does when the kids are with him. You don’t get a say.

New girlfriend could be his childcare and there wouldn’t be anything you could do about it. You don’t get to place conditions.

Of course you are also allowed to behave as a poor parent and bring a strange man into your home too, as you have done.

OP be realistic.
You can't dictate to the children's father like this.

You're doing the same as he is anyway, as far as new boyfriends and girlfriends are concerned.

And you cannot just the term "partner" for someone who you barely know.

@TheShellBeach I followed what we'd previously spoken about and agreed. He is now changing the rules we spoke about previously