Offered kids dad what he wanted but on condition introduces new partners slowly

[sopwd]

He has moved in instantly after cheating. The kids saw us together last time they saw him.

It's only been two months

I said he's more than welcome to every weekend (which he asked for) on the conditions he spends one on one time with the kids, and stay at his own house with them then slowly introduces his new girlfriend. I said for example stay at your house she comes and visits for dinner or you go out to the park etc. then next time she can do both. Then the next more. Then following kids can stay at her house if he wants them too. On the condition he has time one on one with kids. By end of next month happy for him to have them at his girlfriends all the time just let them meet her and make her not a stranger first.

All of my friends and family suggested I did this too, to not get kids too attached, and scare them. It's only been a month I've been seeing this guy and he's only over after kids sleep still and it's working out well with the amount of time with kids/ new partner

Also asked for photos of beds (he had them stay before years ago and made them sleep on the floor) and never cleaned their teeth changed clothes. And they said they had nothing to do. So I said make sure you have these things

Am I unfair because hee taken a massive huff saying I make it nearly impossible for him to see the kids

......................... it can be seen we're both going too fast but it's the same rules we both agreed on both parties not just me getting my own way and me controlling him

You're definitely both going too fast.

And it seems that you're doing this in order to score points over one another, not because you're concerned about the effect this will have on your unfortunate children.

You can't expect him to follow your instructions when he's parenting his own children. You wouldn't do the same for him, would you??

Oh balls to that.

@MatthewsMumFromTikTok

No that’s not right, it’s even more romantic- it’s been 4 weeks!

Shes apparently ‘slowly introduced’ the new guy to her children. After 4 weeks.

Absolutely nothing wrong with dating, but meeting her children shouldn’t even be on the horizon yet ffs! And he stays over.

OP I really know where you’re coming from in many ways, I pleaded with my ex not to introduce our DC to the woman he’d left me for without giving me forewarning and to not rush into it, he agreed but in reality he just lied about it and introduced them after a few weeks then spent months telling me DC was talking rubbish ands making stuff up and they had not met.
I eventually had to accept that as long as she’s good to my DC it’s not for me to get involved, he’ll just lie about it anyway and I can’t control what he does on his time. You will have to come to the same conclusion.

However, i do think you’re being incredibly unreasonable to have a new man in your house are just 2 months, your children’s home is their safe space, or should be. Don’t kid yourself into justifying it by saying the kids are in bed, what if they wake in the night and need you? What if this new man suddenly turns violent or abusive? What if you have a medical emergency? You say how you can’t leave them to go see him which is true but it’s not actually essential that you date someone at this point is it? You could just be alone for a while…It’s possible.

You broke up 2 months ago and your sneaking your new bf in the house with your very young children and your micromanaging your ex with his dp it all seems pretty grim children aren't stupid. Your bf shouldn't be in the same house as your dc. You don't know him, he's a stranger. You see your bf when your dc go to their dad's or hire a baby sitter

It doesn't sound like anyone is putting the kids first tbh..

This you can’t control what he does when the kids are there.

A 'slow introduction' isn't a month. It sounds like you've both raced into other relationships without any kind of thought or quality control. I'd hate to be a kid with parents that can just move in and out of relationships so casually, like they weren't remotely important - what kind of behaviour is that modelling for them?

document everything that is happening as long term there are going to be issues with him flaking out on contact and other things. Keep records of when he is supposed to see them when he turns up and how late/reliable he is. I am with others - yes make sure he has beds for them, but to be honest on the floor in temporary beds for a 2 week break up is not a deal breaker - sometimes you have to make do till things are sorted.

You can ask him to introduce other woman slowly - he can ignore it - sorry but that is the way it is. Same as he can ask you not to have men in the house once kids asleep, and you can ignore it unless those men are a risk to your kids - do you even know that???

Its all a disaster waiting to happen but if you give him enough rope things will fall apart, at that point get an application into court to sort and confirm arrangements for the children. Then its just a waiting game. If he doesn't stick to the order then you have clear evidence that it is harmful to the kids and he is flaky rather than it is just a tit for tat between you as arrangements are not fixed. At the moment he is manipulating things to try and create guilt, make it your fault and control your life by messing around with contact etc. How he fits a girlfriend into his life is up to him, at the moment he is bringing the kids into the relationship every single weekend (so he doesn't have to bother on work days??)so he is making a rod for his own back

It's none of your business and your behaviour is just as bad as his!

I am finding these replies insane.

I'm another thread under a different name where people are urging me to LTB and reassuring me it will be fine and I won't lose the ability to make good decisions for my kids. Then you come here and it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS if your children are being looked after by a stranger. Of course it's your business. They are your kids. The requests are reasonable. Of course kids shouldn't be introduced to OW straight away, especially after a fresh split.

I agree you shouldn't have a man round, go out and date if your useless ex ever has the kids overnight.

oh and how much time (overnights) he has them will effect the child maintenance he has to pay so if he claims 3 nights with him then it will be much less than if its 2 or 1 each week or every other week, so watch out for that a well.

If you let him hang himself with the weekends now, then back him off to tea one night a week or every other week and weekends Sat to Sun and get that in court documentation then that is what CMS (Or whatever they are called these days) work on. Its always worth having it court documented as then there is little to argue over. And if he continually drops them or doesn't come for them etc go back and get it changed so that the cost of raising the children, which I have no doubt by the sounds of him, will fall to you, can be properly reflected in what he has to pay you

You cannot dictate how he spends his time with his children.

Either you let them go and trust him to make decisions which keeps them safe, warm and fed,

Or you don't trust him. And don't let them go.

My ex husband had zero say in me introducing my new partner to the children and vice Versa.

You've both moved on very quickly, so calling him out for doing so when you're doing the same is a bit off.

You said your children are asleep when your new man comes around. What if they woke up? Came down the stairs?

I hope he's not a stranger.

So what happens if one of them wakes up in night sick or whatever and comes into your room and finds a stranger in your bed?

OP I’m confused about the timeline.

You say you’ve been separated for 2 years and that you broke up because he was cheating and instantly moved in with the OW.
But you also say he’s only been with her 2 months?

You also say he’s in competition with you because your relationship is moving faster but then say you’ve only known this new guy for a month but your ex has known and moved in with his gf for at least 2 months.
So how can he be in competition with you if he is moving faster than you are before you even met this guy.

I’m sorry to say but it sounds like you’re trying to compete with him.

When did you break up?

And how long has he been with this woman?

The no beds isn’t an issue.
We always slept on the floor at my dads because there was no room for soars beds.

I would ask that he gets them some camping mattresses in the future but sleeping on the floor isn’t going to do them any harm.

If you think they’re coming to harm or not being fed then this is an issue and you can say X needs to be done else you will be involving social services.

You cannot involves SS for lack of beds as this isn’t an issue.
You can involve SS or stop contact if you think he’s mistreating them - this doesn’t involve them meeting the new gf though.

You and your ex are being very emotional with each other - 'you don't care!' 'Why should I care!'

Focus less on your own feelings when communicating with each other (but do find an outlet for your own feelings like a therapist if a friend to rant to or a diary).

Keep it professional as if he's a colleague that you don't like but you know your boss (a court!) might read emails you send at some point. You don't want your ex to be able to say that you keep the kids from him
Because he missed a school drop off or a birthday once .

You should reply 'that's absolutely not true that I don't want to help you and the kids spend time together - they have a right to relationship
And time with both their parents and I am hoping that happen by agreeing to weekend contact. I am simply asking you to agree to some basic things for their well-being such as introducing new parents figures slowly and ensuring they have a bed to sleep on so they are comfortable
When not at home. If there is any problem with this I'll try to help'

Ps how did you find a new boyfriend so quickly?! That's me looking for advice not judging 🤣

Quite rich considering you have alao.moved on quite quickly...

I hate reading these posts. Those poor kids. You're both as bad as each other.

Slowly ??
You have been separated. From.your Ex for two months and been seeing someone else for a month that's not slow.

With due respect I lost all respect for you when you said you had your partner (of one month) stays over! Your poor children would be so confused and upset to come out and find a strange man in mum's bed! Esp in the middle of the night. Your exposing your children and leaving them so vunruable.
Many parents parent alone (counting myself) and manage to safeguard their children and date. Or decide not to date until the children are older.
Once you are doing the best for your children you can then comment on what your ex is doing.

I said build up to overnights.

Which I did to. He never stayed instantly or met the kids instantly. We slowly had a day out. Then most nights he only comes to see me.

So your kids have met this guy you’ve only been seeing for 4 weeks?

Taking things slowly does not include meeting the kids and definitely doesn’t include him staying over when your kids are there.

Your ex should introduce the new gf slowly and any decent parent would do this. and I completely understand your concerns around this.

But he’s been with her at least twice as long as you’ve known your new man, yet your new man has met the kids and is sleeping over whilst they’re there - something that you won’t allow your ex to do.

How did you meet your new fella OP??

Is he going upstairs to use the bathroom....are you supervising him?? Or does he have free access to your kids bedrooms??