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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offered kids dad what he wanted but on condition introduces new partners slowly

157 replies

sopwd · 25/10/2023 09:48

He has moved in instantly after cheating. The kids saw us together last time they saw him.

It's only been two months

I said he's more than welcome to every weekend (which he asked for) on the conditions he spends one on one time with the kids, and stay at his own house with them then slowly introduces his new girlfriend. I said for example stay at your house she comes and visits for dinner or you go out to the park etc. then next time she can do both. Then the next more. Then following kids can stay at her house if he wants them too. On the condition he has time one on one with kids. By end of next month happy for him to have them at his girlfriends all the time just let them meet her and make her not a stranger first.

All of my friends and family suggested I did this too, to not get kids too attached, and scare them. It's only been a month I've been seeing this guy and he's only over after kids sleep still and it's working out well with the amount of time with kids/ new partner

Also asked for photos of beds (he had them stay before years ago and made them sleep on the floor) and never cleaned their teeth changed clothes. And they said they had nothing to do. So I said make sure you have these things

Am I unfair because hee taken a massive huff saying I make it nearly impossible for him to see the kids

OP posts:
Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 10:50

But he's so scared my relationship is going faster or better than his

How does he even know about your new relationship?

You say yourself it’s only been a month, so it’s not even a proper relationship yet.

How would he have found out about it?

TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 10:52

................... so surely he should take it slow himself let alone another adult who is a stranger to the kids

Your new boyfriend is already staying overnight!

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:52

@Nowherenew I wouldn't behave in this way if he had stayed consistent and not disappeared for 2 months to get a relationship. Who's to say he won't do it again?

He also 2 years ago went away for months because his friend became single. He has a long habit of doing exactly this. Ive became this way from his actions

He's done a lot of bad parenting which is why I feel the way I do

If he was a good dad who saw them weekly/ forthrightly I'd not say or feel this way.

It was when he had them sleeping on the floor, he dropped them at my mums (after giving me abusive phone calls) and my mum was in tears. It was 1 pm they'd not cleaned their teeth, eaten anything, or had anything to do. She said it was a very sad sight to see. I'm sure this was punishment for me not rising to the abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:53

@Nowherenew no idea. We have no mutuals. I seen his friend when we were in a shop but he's known to keep tabs on me.

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 25/10/2023 10:53

So it's okay for your shag to come round yours at night because the kids are sleeping but they aren't allowed to see the girlfriend? He's a stranger as much as she is.

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:55

@IDontLoveTheWayYouLie I never said don't see the new girlfriend

I said build up to overnights.

Which I did to. He never stayed instantly or met the kids instantly. We slowly had a day out. Then most nights he only comes to see me.

I said to my ex. Do the same, have days out. She visits then in a month since it's only weekends at most hed see them do overnight and they can stay at his girlfriends.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 10:56

He never stayed instantly or met the kids instantly. We slowly had a day out. Then most nights he only comes to see me.

You've only known him a few weeks!

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:56

@IDontLoveTheWayYouLie I'm asking for the same rules him and I choose 2 years ago during a split.

I did them yet hes so scared I've moved on quicker since he's always seen me as his competition and needs to believe no one would ever want me etc he's forcing it straight away no slow build up as him and I previously agreed then re said as I found out he cheated and moved in the same day.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 10:57

sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:56

@IDontLoveTheWayYouLie I'm asking for the same rules him and I choose 2 years ago during a split.

I did them yet hes so scared I've moved on quicker since he's always seen me as his competition and needs to believe no one would ever want me etc he's forcing it straight away no slow build up as him and I previously agreed then re said as I found out he cheated and moved in the same day.

Jesus.

Teder · 25/10/2023 10:57

Those poor children who seem to have parents who prioritise point scoring and shagging new people over the welfare of their own offspring.

You’re both as bad as each other. A random man in your home overnight is a risk to your children by the way.

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:58

@TheShellBeach which is the same rules I'm applying to him

Said only up to a month of visiting then no problem have them overnight at her house

I understand it can be seen we're both going too fast but it's the same rules we both agreed on both parties not just me getting my own way and me controlling him

OP posts:
Teder · 25/10/2023 10:59

sopwd · 25/10/2023 10:04

@Catza I maybe have made it seem confusing

Sleeping on the floor was 2 year ago when we broke up for a couple of weeks

Yes in the space of two months was birthday and first day of school. He went to the partners child's first day of later primary school instead of our 5 year olds first day of primary school

It’s not easy to buy proper beds in 2 weeks. It takes longer than that to get some delivered!

ComtesseDeSpair · 25/10/2023 11:00

God. It just gets worse and worse. Utterly useless dad, mum shagging complete strangers in their home to score points. Some kids just don’t stand a chance in life, they really don’t.

Honeychickpea · 25/10/2023 11:00

Teder · 25/10/2023 10:57

Those poor children who seem to have parents who prioritise point scoring and shagging new people over the welfare of their own offspring.

You’re both as bad as each other. A random man in your home overnight is a risk to your children by the way.

He's not random, he's her "partner"🙄

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 25/10/2023 11:02

But it's none of your business what he does and doesn't do?

You're literally getting railed by a stranger while your kids are sleeping upstairs.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 25/10/2023 11:04

And I don't disagree that he should be seeing the kids without the girlfriend for a while but both of you are moving to fast. In 8 weeks you've both found someone else and are dragging the kids into the middle of it.

BoohooWoohoo · 25/10/2023 11:06

In an ideal world, parents would think of the kids before having partners stay over as overnight guests. That goes for you too. Having a partner stay over then creep out an hour before the kids wake up isn't good behaviour. I know that you have the kids every night but it takes one instance of an early wake up or coming down in the evening when a child needs voices for it to not be so secret any more. For many kids this will end up in them being scared to go to sleep because a stranger is going to turn up at their house.

Yanbu to insist on beds. Can you trust a photo that your ex sends you? It wouldn't be hard to find a pic of a child's bedroom online thanks to family vloggers. A court wouldn't make him send the pic and would allow an airbed instead of proper bed. I'm not sure what stance they would take on futons on the actual floor.

ninjasnap · 25/10/2023 11:12

You're both as bad as each other! Poor kids don't stand a chance, it's like something from Jeremy Kyle!

Can you not see the hypocrisy here??

Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 11:15

@Teder no one said two weeks. Also he has a bed give the kids can sleep in. And couches he just didn't want them "dirtying" his couches

OP posts:
Original poster
sopwd · 25/10/2023 11:16

@BoohooWoohoo

Can I not insist on social work or something checking it out since the kids themselves can say he never gave them beds? If court action happened?

OP posts:
MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 25/10/2023 11:16

You are having some bloke stating all night in the house while the kids are there......you've known him 8 weeks?

Is that correct??

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 25/10/2023 11:17

sopwd · 25/10/2023 11:16

@BoohooWoohoo

Can I not insist on social work or something checking it out since the kids themselves can say he never gave them beds? If court action happened?

Yes,yes!!! Get social services involved with the pair of you!

I honestly think this might be beneficial

TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 11:18

sopwd · 25/10/2023 11:16

@BoohooWoohoo

Can I not insist on social work or something checking it out since the kids themselves can say he never gave them beds? If court action happened?

Of course not!

AnaisMae · 25/10/2023 11:20

I dont think you get to police his relationships. If he put those conditions on you and said right you can't see xxx until I say so how would you feel?

TheShellBeach · 25/10/2023 11:20

sopwd · 25/10/2023 11:16

@BoohooWoohoo

Can I not insist on social work or something checking it out since the kids themselves can say he never gave them beds? If court action happened?

Well, if you let "social work" check you out, in a reciprocal arrangement.............