Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

[ftm03]

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Just caught up on all the comments. People who don't understand a human beings need for more than 10 minutes to themselves each day and to put a mask on and get on with it, people who don't understand that I am completely and utterly touched out between the baby and dog, people who think it's acceptable for a woman, because she's a woman, to not sleep for more than an hour or two each night for months... you are all wrong and a disgrace to womanhood. You're everything that's wrong with society and why so many women collapse under pressure because they feel they can't speak up about it.

The last couple of days, after reading so many messages of support, I have really gained my voice back and it's worked.

DH has got a friend on board to help coach the kids football team. He is dropping one game of football a week so he will be out once a week in the evening and once a weekend. The day he's not training or seeing a kids match, I will have a lay in.

I have been working hard at DD's naps and I sat and rocked her for 45 minutes earlier and yesterday afternoon, she was screaming and grabbing at my face and hair but eventually fell asleep, she's been asleep for 1.5 hours now in her cot. I was crying for the last 15 minutes of rocking her, my back is in bits and a headache but I will continue to do this until she is in the routine of consistent naps.

DH is at work this afternoon but I've managed to sit down with a sandwich and a hot cup of tea whilst she's been asleep and actually have some time to myself plus get a load of laundry on and clean the kitchen and bathroom. He is also walking the dog when he gets home, so another job off my list for today.

We are going pumpkin picking tomorrow and DH has suggested having a roast out as a treat for us which will be nice.

Last night, for the first time in forever, we sat down and talked and laughed and watched tv together. He apologised and told me that he really appreciates me as a wife and mother and that he's sorry he has not shown that. It's amazing how less resentful I feel just from him changing a few things and the relief on my shoulders knowing that going forward will be better, he has promised. He knows that I'll show him the door if not.

I believe MIL had a word, she text me to let me know she fully supports me and that she hopes there is a change because she raised him as a single, working mother and made sure him and his brother helped out at home and respected women.

Thank you again to everyone who has lifted me up, given me some confidence back and made me feel less alone. X

@ftm03 thats wonderful news and I’m really pleased for you, you deserve to be respected and appreciated.
Have a lovely time pumpkin picking and enjoy your roast! I’m glad your husband is working with you now and your much happier.

You are amazing and a credit to yourself that during this very hard time you have found the energy to sort that sflfish twat out.

Use this time well. Don't hold back.

Ensure he really steps up.

Pity it took his mother intervening too.
She sounds great.

I hope she chewed his ear.

When my children were small I too had to have down time after they were in bed to decompress.

This is so normal.

When I had 4 under 10 and they went to bed a bit later during long summer evenings, I often wouldn't go to bed till midnight as I needed to unwind so badly.

A hot bath is very helpful.
A hot water bottle is great for achey muscles from holding the baby so long.

You need to do this as women often end up with back issues from children.

Mind yourself OP.

You are amazing.

Well to be fair you were already awake so why wake him just to do it?

Oh...fgs...read the full thread! @Doone22

Fanny

Bloody brilliant news - well done OP

But you didn't say that did you? You focussed only on the mother. Do you believe all people should work 7 days a week with only 10 minutes bath before bed, then get up and do it all over the again, without a break? After all jobs are a priority too.

Is that acceptable? If not, why not?

@ftm03 I really could not recommend the sleep training course from Tiny Hood more - made my life and my sons life 1000x better.

I know sleep training gets a bad wrap but honestly he was so much happier once he was napping and sleeping properly and it meant that I could plan my life and get good chunks of time to myself during the day and then when he was awake he was in such a good mood because we was actually properly rested! Which then made the whole parenting thing a much more enjoying experience for both me and him.

I was complete against it at first but my mental health was doing so badly because of the lack of sleep that it was my therapist that actually recommended that I try sleep training and she assured me I was not going to do my son any long term damage - a happy well rested mum is the best mum you can be!

It was a complete game changer!

I really do believe that teaching your child how to sleep independently without any anxiety or stress is one of the greatest gifts you can give them!

We started when he was 16 weeks and even now he’s 2 he’s a still a beautiful sleeper!

Fantastic update OP. I'm so glad you have found strength from all the supportive comments and that your husband has responded positively to the criticism.

I'm gobsmacked at some of the awful goady comments. As if "going out to work" is the most awful, stressful, draining thing anyone can do. I used to go to work for a rest when mine were babies!! Being at home with a baby is the hardest thing to do - it's isolating, physically knackering and mind numbingly boring much of the time. The best thing about it is that it's a relatively short stage in a child's life. Hold on in there, get a good routine going, and you'll be through to the fun bits soon enough x

@ftm03 good job and I am so glad to hear that things have improved a lot. 🙂

I believe MIL had a word, she text me to let me know she fully supports me and that she hopes there is a change because she raised him as a single, working mother and made sure him and his brother helped out at home and respected women.

Kudos to you wonderful MIL! But it's a bit depressing, isn't it, to realise upbringing has so little impact on men's behaviour. Like the first opportunity they get to be a selfish arsehole, they revert to type.

Sounds a great update op. Some people - df's and dm's - really have no idea of the brutality of having dc and what lack of sleep can do to a relationship..

Just caught up on all the comments. People who don't understand a human beings need for more than 10 minutes to themselves each day and to put a mask on and get on with it, people who don't understand that I am completely and utterly touched out between the baby and dog, people who think it's acceptable for a woman, because she's a woman, to not sleep for more than an hour or two each night for months... you are all wrong and a disgrace to womanhood. You're everything that's wrong with society and why so many women collapse under pressure because they feel they can't speak up about it

Very very true. These days there are so many campaigns for mens mental health saying it's ok to not be ok, men don't talk but it's good to talk etc. and it seems to be implied that it's a lot easier for women. In my experience it is not true at all. When women talk often no one listens and often their partner doesn't take them seriously. Women are often expected to just get on with it.

When I hear about women going missing (with no indication of foul play) I always think I bet she's been crying out for a break for a long time and asking for support and got none so she just took off because it was the only way to get a break!

Wonderful update, OP, I hope this continues.

@ftm03 well done x

Think you might be on the wrong thread?

THIS!!! 100% THIS! I have just had to cut another day at work as I’m burnt out. I have DD8 DS7, in the beginning wanted to show the world I was the best mum going second time round smashed the sleep game, weaning and potty training. House was immaculate and then when I went back to work, my mum picked up from me with all the childcare and school runs. My husband because of this has managed to get promoted twice and can not get higher up in his job role. All we hear is how busy he is and always on the phone or laptop. I’m burnt out. I can’t keep up and a few years ago I discussed this with him. FINALLY I have realised Nothing will change. He won’t pull his weight and help. Iv done it to myself. Don’t be like us… set a example now make it clear you had a child together and not everyday but occasionally he will need to take over.

OP, I read most of this thread (well, all of your posts, plus about half of the replies) yesterday. And now I've just seen your latest update. I'm really glad to hear that you and your DH have been able to talk this through, and that your DH is making changes that will give you more support (including more sleep!) - and will also be good for him and DD bonding.

Here's wishing all three of you all the best

(And good on your MIL for her intervention - long may she continue to have your back!)

I saw this thread and was absolutely disgusted by the responses you were getting from other mums. They should be ashamed of themselves. My partner is a paramedic and was working full time whist I was on maternity but he still got up for at least 1 wake up per night so I was able to sleep, and you know what nobody died. I totally understand the whole thing about being touched out and just needing time out to yourself once they're in bed. I often end up staying up late just so I can remind my body I'm not just somebody's mum, I'm a whole person myself. This does not mean I love my kids any less, it just means I'm entitled to a break from them.

Thankfully mine are older now and my partner is still a very hands on dad. He also has his weekend hobbies that took a small back seat for a while but he now has time for them again but still makes time for his kids. I think setting the expectation early that they need to pull their weight is really important and sets them up for life. We'll done for your response OP.

If I were you I'd "quiet quit" the household chores. You're working 2 jobs and he's working 1.

Yes, sleep is important for him as the sole earner but 6pm bed time? And not doing anything around the house? He's in lalaland if he thinks that's acceptable.

As a stay at home parent your responsibility in the day is to parent, not to do household chores.

@Vicx8

I often end up staying up late just so I can remind my body I'm not just somebody's mum, I'm a whole person myself.

Extremely important point and wilfully ignored by all those disgustingly sexist posters.

I can never get over the fact that other women can be so clearly misogynistic towards other women, have such clear contempt for another woman, and will fall over themselves to make sure that the man always comes first, no matter the circumstances. He’s done he’s 8 hours and he should not lift a finger, his needs are more important than his partners. What an utterly crazy mentality, seriously back wards.

They clearly haven't had the conversation. Why would one be so far removed from this if they have talked about it before starting a family? DH worked full time but woke up at night to pass the baby and he also started doing the 2 night feeds so I could sleep. He would help tidy up etc. We agreed on how we would do things from the get go. He knew what to expect etc.

It’s possible but it’s also possible that they did and DH just hasn’t done what was agreed on either.