Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

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DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

Do not feel bad! You are exhausted and he is not stepping up. My DH used to get up a lot with our girls, even when they were bf and I was on maternity leave. Your DH saying it would be dangerous for him to be tired at work? Well what about you?! Isn’t it dangerous for you to be responsible for a young baby when too tired? It’s also not fair that he’s not taking turns at the weekend. A hobby shouldn’t be more important than his wife’s health. I would talk to him during the day and explain that you’re meant to be a team and he is not doing his fair share. Yes you should do more at the moment being on maternity leave but you should not be doing 100%!

Just because he works doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do anything. Parenting is a team effort . It is fair for him to help.

Thanks for the update OP. I really am rooting for you guys and your DD. Sounds like he is listening. Keep talking, ideally not at 4am (hehe) and stay close.

Don't go to bed at 11.00. Go the same time as baby. It's not forever

Roughly speaking you need to be doing the same number of working hours. When he is OUT at work you are working at childcare and housework, when he comes home, you have worked at looking after your child for the same number of hours as he has worked from his work place. Therefore you need to half 'n' half the rest of the hours when baby needs care or household duties need doing. The only change might be if the kid slept a lot and you slept too in the day.

Fuck me gently half the comments on here are utter bullshit. If you need help and you are brave enough to say you need help right now, he should be helping. Who gives a fuck who earns what? He’ll be doing a fuck tonne more if you crumble completely because he didn’t help.

Don’t feel bad. I disagree with other posters. Yes as you are on maternity or if you was a stay at home Mum, I think you should be doing the get up in the nights in the majority. I do however think if you occasionally ask for help on one night, I don’t see why hubby can’t do it as a one off. I don’t think you was unreasonable to ask. As for an hour to yourself, can’t your hubby look after the baby on an evening whilst you go and chill for an hour, even if that just means watching tv upstairs? Everyone needs some me time and he seems to get plenty with football coaching and playing.

You've already had loads of advice and replies but didn't want to read and run as I totally feel the visceral despair coming through from your post - clearly you've tried to 'keep calm and carry on' for long enough and you're hanging on by the fingertips - you are amazing, and obviously a fab mum but even the most dedicated mum's need some help!! Well done for broaching it with hubby, I think its just your timing that's off a little, this convo needs to be had in the calm light of day when you can both think clearly - the man loves you right? so he hopefully doesn't want to see you break under the strain and there are compromises he can make so you need to figure out together what these are and get them working for you - just a thought but do you have any relatives that could give you both a night off, I know as a new Mum the idea might be horrifying but I can guarantee baby will be absolutely fine for 1 night and then at least you can both get a good, full nights sleep. Big hugs though! xx

@Middleagedspreadisreal could the dad go to bed at the same time as the baby?

This. Also the op is up at 6:30 with the baby- she isn’t having a lie in and a jolly old time chilling out all day ffs. What if she makes mistakes? Falls asleep at the wheel? On the sofa with the baby? Forgets to strap it in the car seat properly?!

How is it that he can sleep all night and have 2 hobbies whereas op just has to be on call for a baby 24 hours a day?!

It’s bullshit.

Don’t talk rubbish. My wife managed to finish a degree (getting a 1st) and has continued to work full time in a stressful professional job (one of those ones were people always say ‘God I couldn’t do that”) as well as now doing a masters. She is the sole provider because I’m disabled and can’t work- she is also therefore my carer and our children are also disabled so need a lot of extra support.

she has ALWAYS been at least a 50/50 parent with me- whether it’s changing nappies or buying Christmas presents or going to parents evening.

She’s not doing the majority. She’s doing all of it. She’s also doing admin for his business. He’s leaving work (or getting home) at five and doing nothing - no feeds, not bathing his daughter, not even putting on a wash, and he waltzes off to his weekend “commitments” ie hobby. His idea of help when confronted with the truth is to palm it off onto his mother.

I have a 7 month old and a 6 year old. Generally speaking I do the majority of the night wake ups because I’m a SAHM and my husband has quite an intense job. However, there are some nights when I am just exhausted and need his help and it is totally ok to ask for that help. I try not to wake him up before 4, and we agreed really early on that I’d do anything before 5, other than those nights were I just can’t cope any more. Especially nights when one of our kids is poorly, he has to also be a little bit uncomfortable, I’m not superwoman and I can’t do it it all. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mum, or that I don’t love my kids. If anything, it makes me a better mum because I have the energy to look after them properly!
good luck, and I hope it gets better soon! The first year is really rough, even if it’s also amazing x

@Catsmere yes as you will see above I agreed I was wrong to completely compare situations with OP. I didn’t read any update about him finishing work at 5 and her still putting in finances to the household. I was trying to give a supporting insight as someone who willingly does everything home and child related as my own partner often works 7am-10:30pm running our businesses. I found it hard and absoloutley exhausting in the first year as a new mum and would have appreciated someone to speak to who had a similar set up or scenario at home. Obviously it’s not comparable if OP’s husband had the luxury of finishing work at a normal kind of time.

I'm surprised SO many people are saying this.. it seems a really outdated view that when parents are home together the mother should still do EVERYTHING for the baby, and should toddle themselves off to bed at 8pm so they're rested and ready to serve whenever they are needed. Fuck having any actual time to yourself to feel like a human again, while your DH sits downstairs watchin the telly all night like a bachelor.

The last thing I wanted to do when the baby went to bed was go to sleep myself, I needed that time to wind down and use that opportunity to do every little thing that was 10 times harder with a baby attached to you.

I've never understood the sleeping when the baby sleeps mantra personally.

@SAHMTO yes, this man just looks worse and worse with every update.

And can't you just imagine how it'd go if OP tried to do that - DH would be sulking because she wasn't there to entertain and feed him when he deigned to return from football. She has two cranky infants to deal with, only one of whose behaviour is appropriate.

@sandyhappypeople Your post was great (especially about mums having to go to bed at 8pm so they’ll be raring to serve again the next day) but especially this:

I've never understood the sleeping when the baby sleeps mantra personally.

Do people never really think about the practicalities? I remember being on my knees with exhaustion, trying to do this. Baby napped, I fell into some sort of dead sleep and was - all too soon - rudely awaken by the baby. I was angry. I was still exhausted. I needed to sleep for a bit longer, but I couldn’t. I felt a thousand times worse for being disturbed from a deep sleep than if I’d just tried to stay awake.

Exactly this, it just isn't practical for a lot of people, I think my problem with it too is that I just can't sleep on demand, and if I KNOW I've got to get to sleep (for being up early the next day for example) I just can't do it! It's a weird frustrating cycle.

I'm incredulous that DH lies down on the bed and literally goes straight off to sleep within 30 seconds, then wakes up 6 hours later fresh as a daisy.. git.

Is it a man/woman thing?

Every single man I have shared living space with, father, husbands, sons, BIL, friends etc have all been able to sleep at the drop of a hat. But I dont know a single woman who can do that.

Probably evolutionary reasons, but it doesnt make it any less irritating when a man who can sleep on a washing line is saying "Just sleep when the baby sleeps" Oh ok then genius......

My ADH has a super stressful job working very long hours but he always helped me with night feeds. Might have been only one night feed but I did get support. I don't think YABU to ask for help

And if being able to drop off again immediately is a man thing, that's all the more reason they should do the night feeds!

I'm suddenly reminded of this scene from Richard Scarry's Busy, Busy World, which was published in 1968 ... funny how a cartoon dog was a better father and husband than these so-called "dear partners" now, even if he's supposedly doing it to keep the town peaceful!

Couldnt agree more!

There is a lot I could say about my ex husband but when he realised that he could wake up, feed DD and go back to sleep again all within half an hour, but me doing the night feeds meant that he was doing all the daytime stuff cos I was useless due to exhaustion, he did every night feed for months!