Page 35 | Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

ftm03 · 2023-10-25T08:14:14+00:00

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted. DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc. DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired. Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed. I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired. He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work. This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me. What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

GettingSickOfYourNonsense · 27/10/2023 12:36

Prettypaisleyslippers · 25/10/2023 09:31

So you stayed up late and expect him to get up when working?

Yes, I found that strange, too

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 12:38

OP my scenario is exactly as yours. My DP runs the business(s) and I do everything to do with childcare and home. My little girl is 3.5 now and we’re expecting another soon. Can’t deny he works very hard but equally when my DD was smaller it was very hard being essentially a solo parent a lot of the time and there was moments of tension because I was so exhausted. Only difference was I was exclusively breastfeeding so it didn’t make much sense for me to wake DH. This will pass and things will level out again. People will tell you he’s wrong for not helping but reality is if they’re single handed providing a decent life for the family then IMO it’s only fair to be the ‘housewife’. I know this is an unpopular opinion in Mumsnet

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2023 12:41

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 12:38

OP my scenario is exactly as yours. My DP runs the business(s) and I do everything to do with childcare and home. My little girl is 3.5 now and we’re expecting another soon. Can’t deny he works very hard but equally when my DD was smaller it was very hard being essentially a solo parent a lot of the time and there was moments of tension because I was so exhausted. Only difference was I was exclusively breastfeeding so it didn’t make much sense for me to wake DH. This will pass and things will level out again. People will tell you he’s wrong for not helping but reality is if they’re single handed providing a decent life for the family then IMO it’s only fair to be the ‘housewife’. I know this is an unpopular opinion in Mumsnet

The scenario isn’t exactly the same though because OP isn’t a SAHM and will be going back to work full time.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 27/10/2023 12:43

GettingSickOfYourNonsense · 27/10/2023 12:36

Yes, I found that strange, too

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She stayed up to have time to herself that wasn’t baby/house/dog; you know, the way her husband has hours of football time to himself. There’s no way of knowing each night whether a baby is going to give you some sleep or not, so you can either give up free time entirely and go to bed at 7pm each night to cope – which sends you a bit mad, especially when there’s another capable adult on the scene and the baby is bottle fed – or, wild scenario, you can sometimes stay up a bit late (ooh, 11pm) and the baby’s other parent can do their part, particularly if they get home at 5pm, enjoy plenty of hobby time, and never tire themselves with chores.

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 12:46

So the mum has to go to bed early every night whilst the dad can do whatever he wants? Why are some people so determined that men don’t have to change their life when a baby comes along but the mum has to completely change theirs.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 27/10/2023 12:48

spitefulandbadgrammar · 27/10/2023 11:45

Would love to hear @FSTraining’s wife’s side of things after reading that essay…

Me too! @FSTraining seems to be ignoring the fact that the OP does have paid employment, and that she's currently on leave from the paid employment, in order to recover from childbirth. Not to become some sort of 24/7 slave. OP, I'm glad you had some respite, and don't ease up on your H, who needs to step right up, and even more so when you are both working outside the house.

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 12:51

@SouthLondonMum22 apologies I missed where it said anywhere on the post that she was returning to work full time. Equally though when on maternity leave it is essentially being a stay at home mum no? I worked full time previously before leaving for maternity and just never went back to work. I was trying to offer an insight into what’s quite often a not so common scenario now.

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 12:58

@SAHMTO maternity leave is different as partly for mum to recover from birth and have time with baby, but it is not meant to be 24/7 and not meant to be that dad can get out of parenting and household chores

Comedycook · 27/10/2023 13:00

Maternity leave is not the same as being a sahm and men should not be given the kudos of describing their wife as such

spitefulandbadgrammar · 27/10/2023 13:00

Equally though when on maternity leave it is essentially being a stay at home mum no?
No.

CantstopsayingFFS · 27/10/2023 13:05

SpareHeirOverThere · 25/10/2023 09:43

You're both working. Both jobs deserve respect and require sleep. Both of you deserve equal downtime when the other is in charge of the baby.

If you make a mistake due to exhaustion, your baby's safety could be at risk. Your health - physical and mental - already will be.

You should not apologise for reaching out for help when you are exhausted. He should apologise for failing to remember that you are working hard, childcare is an actual paid job for many, and him failing to value what he gets for free is not okay.

Football needs to go, unless you get equal time off. Weekends for now are for family - this won't last forever, but you are in a crisis of exhaustion and he needs to step up.

Exactly! If any of those people posting that his job is more important over looking after the wellbeing of a vulnerable baby because he gets paid for it is a dick.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2023 13:06

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 12:51

@SouthLondonMum22 apologies I missed where it said anywhere on the post that she was returning to work full time. Equally though when on maternity leave it is essentially being a stay at home mum no? I worked full time previously before leaving for maternity and just never went back to work. I was trying to offer an insight into what’s quite often a not so common scenario now.

It isn’t the same to me because when you have a SAHM, the mum becomes the default parent. This isn’t generally a big deal if both parents agree to the setup because she isn’t working outside of the home.

Someone on maternity leave can’t be the default parent, especially if she is going back full time because chances are, she will also be the default parent when she’s also trying to work full time.

I didn’t consider myself a SAHM when on maternity leave, just on leave from work.

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 13:06

@Comedycook okay well everyone is entitled to their opinion and I’m very aware I was going to get some criticism for having old school ideas like that. In my opinion (as I said originally) if husband is putting business owner hours into running a business (in my scenario we’re often talking 80 hours a week) and ensuring that as a family we are provided for and given a nice life then it’s my personal opinion it’s not unfair to expect mum to do majority of household & childcare responsibilities. Equally if OP usually just gets on with it and doesn’t ask for help unless particularly struggling or exhausted then yes DH is unfair for refusing to help his struggling wife.

Comedycook · 27/10/2023 13:08

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 13:06

@Comedycook okay well everyone is entitled to their opinion and I’m very aware I was going to get some criticism for having old school ideas like that. In my opinion (as I said originally) if husband is putting business owner hours into running a business (in my scenario we’re often talking 80 hours a week) and ensuring that as a family we are provided for and given a nice life then it’s my personal opinion it’s not unfair to expect mum to do majority of household & childcare responsibilities. Equally if OP usually just gets on with it and doesn’t ask for help unless particularly struggling or exhausted then yes DH is unfair for refusing to help his struggling wife.

A mum on maternity leave is still employed and will be getting some sort of payment. If she is not working and the dh is taking full financial responsibility then that's an entirely different thing.

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 13:10

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 13:06

@Comedycook okay well everyone is entitled to their opinion and I’m very aware I was going to get some criticism for having old school ideas like that. In my opinion (as I said originally) if husband is putting business owner hours into running a business (in my scenario we’re often talking 80 hours a week) and ensuring that as a family we are provided for and given a nice life then it’s my personal opinion it’s not unfair to expect mum to do majority of household & childcare responsibilities. Equally if OP usually just gets on with it and doesn’t ask for help unless particularly struggling or exhausted then yes DH is unfair for refusing to help his struggling wife.

Her husband gets home at 5pm and plays football two evenings a week, plus both Saturdays and Sundays.

Does that sound like "putting in business owner hours" to you?

SAHMTO · 27/10/2023 13:15

@Comedycook yes you’re right, I hadn’t taken still receiving maternity pay into account. I was trying to offer a positive view from being married to someone who has major business commitments. It’s hard acting as solo parent a lot of the time and was not trying to cause any upset/offence.

Outliers · 27/10/2023 13:21

ZiriForGood · 25/10/2023 18:39

Hmm. You know, some random strangers on the internet are able to support their opinions by some arguments or describe a way how it might work in real world. Others are not.

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...Okay?

FSTraining · 27/10/2023 13:41

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 12:31

@FSTraining it sounds like you have other issues in your marriage other than childcare. Not sure how you going or not going part time is relevant to this thread

Anyway, to use your example:
My DH did the same hours as you, left at 6:30 came back around 7pm.
When he got back in from work, he took over childcare for a few hours - bath, bottle, bed.
I mainly did the night feeds, however, if I was ill he would do it.
He also did a lot of childcare at the weekend to give me a break and he enjoyed bonding with his DC - this is what a normal working man looks like helping his wife with a young baby

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Yeah, I did much the same although I will add he must have worked harder than you and I worked harder than my ex-wife. But at least you appreciated it, for which your husband is very lucky!

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2023 14:27

FSTraining · 27/10/2023 13:41

Yeah, I did much the same although I will add he must have worked harder than you and I worked harder than my ex-wife. But at least you appreciated it, for which your husband is very lucky!

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So that is the issue you consider you worked harder than you ex wife and you extrapolate that to every situation.

Parenting is hard and relentless at times, newborn, toddler then can be a period of relative calm before teenage hits and trust me I would take your hours over dealing with that.

relationships should not be transactional or competitive who does more but supportive and sometimes that means sacrifice and stepping in

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 15:27

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2023 14:27

So that is the issue you consider you worked harder than you ex wife and you extrapolate that to every situation.

Parenting is hard and relentless at times, newborn, toddler then can be a period of relative calm before teenage hits and trust me I would take your hours over dealing with that.

relationships should not be transactional or competitive who does more but supportive and sometimes that means sacrifice and stepping in

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I don't think @FSTraining has a clue how bloody hard being home with a baby can be, plus being on top all the other household crap.

Do you know what, I am sure there were days when my DH did work harder than me (you do know it's not a competition don't you?).......................................

I am also sure that I had more soul destroying days than he did when I was on mat leave
*recovering from major surgery,
*being chronically anaemic for over a year,
*having an easy baby 1 hour then a devil child for the next 3,
*not speaking to an adult all day,
*doing all the tedious household drudge cleaning, cooking,
*not really able to do anything constructive whilst the baby was awake
*doing most of the night feeds
All of this a massive departure from my strategy career.
I couldn't wait to get to work as I knew a day in the office was far easier than a day doing childcare.

Do you not understand anything that I have said above, and the list above is only a snapshot - times the list above by a thousand and you might get somewhere close to how women can feel on mat leave.

Piglet89 · 27/10/2023 15:38

Caring for babies and young children is fucking mind-numbing much of the time.

Which is why so many men dodge it and leave their wives to pick up the slack.

Panaa · 27/10/2023 15:59

@SAHMTO
Even if he was working a huge amount of hours, which if you'd read between the lines you'd see that he isn't, he still can't opt out of being a dad, well he can, but he'll ruin his marriage.

OP can't ever get a lie in even on the weekends because he's off coaching kids football, apparently responsibilities to other peoples kids are fine, but not to his own baby, for his own baby he wouldn't even wake up once when asked, she asked him to do bath and bedtime a couple of times a week "nope sorry, she's in her routine with you" 🙄

if husband is putting business owner hours into running a business (in my scenario we’re often talking 80 hours a week) and ensuring that as a family we are provided for and given a nice life then it’s my personal opinion it’s not unfair to expect mum to do majority of household & childcare responsibilities.

She seems absolutely fine doing the 'majority', but not all. He should be doing some. Also he should feel the same about her in reverse, she's doing everything else right now to give the baby a nice life, she should get a rest now and then. It is in the whole families best interests that the mother is happy, healthy and can get a break every now and again. The whole family benefits from that.

FMSucks · 27/10/2023 16:08

I've read all your updates and well done OP for nipping this in the bud because believe me it's a marriage killer. The resentment is never forgotten and never goes away. Apart from saving your sanity, you've probably saved your marriage too by not putting up with that shit.

misspeney · 27/10/2023 16:10

Quit the housework immediately. Not with a newborn when you will need to sleep when they do in the day. second. Your partner is there to support YOU and YOUR child. It's not your job to support HIM and yourself and your newborn baby. And he doesn't have to do anything in return. He has to be kind, Understanding, caring and sensitive. If thats the only way he can support you, ok, but then fair enough but he should at least be doing that.
The fact that he was mad at you when he left in the morning is a massive red flag!!
All these posters going, you gotta suck it up lady, in case the poor master of the house gets a tiny bit tired. BUUUUUUULLLSHIT. He can get tired, it's expected with a dad of a newborn. He can do one tiny part of the night, not every night, but when you are exhausted like that, it gets dangerous if you are doing it all. He should have responded to you, when you asked him, "oh honey I'm sorry, I'm worried I'm going to be too tired if I get up at 4am. But i understand how hard it is on you. How about, don't worry about laundry, I'll do it when i get home tonight".

I would be so fuming when he got home. Be careful, sounds like he's going to be an Ahole. Set the boundaries now. He absolutely needs to be supporting you.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 27/10/2023 16:30

@FSTraining
It seems as though you’re projecting issues you experienced with your ex wife onto this situation - it’s not the same.

Your ex wife may have been unreasonable and not prepared to reduce her spending - not the issues presented in OP’s posts.

Your ex wife refused to contribute income to your household - not this situation.

Your ex wife was not on mat leave, and preparing to return to work in 5 months - OP is.

A lot of us Mothers commenting also have professional jobs.

Most children eventually realise that money does not grow on magic money trees. I’m sure your ex wife also knew this.