Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

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DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

DH would sometimes sleep through DS crying at night, but if he was on ‘duty’ so I could have a longer sleep, he would always wake up and somehow I would sleep through knowing someone else would look after him.

I have read on here where couples have more than one child, done give dad the toddler to look after at night and mum the baby and the respective parent will wake up when the DC they have responsibility for cries

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sleep deprivation is horrible. Speaking from my own personal experience you need to set some hard boundaries.

My child is much older, but I'm a SAHM and a full time carer. My child wakes lots, so I often run on 3-4 hours sleep a night while my husband sleeps blissfully because he needs to be awake for work.

We agreed weekends were 50/50, but he wouldn't ever pull his weight, regardless of how much I needed his help. I told him therapy or I leave. He took therapy. I also got into therapy to help me strengthen my boundaries.
Other than the usual marital vows, I have now set three firm boundaries in my marriage.

1. Any time he gets "free" from family responsibilities is matched. If he gets a weekend socialising with his friends, I get a weekend with mine etc.

1. Household responsibilities are split 50/50 after 5.30pm on weekdays and for the whole weekend. My job may be within the home, but I am still working. Without me my husband wouldn't have his life admin sorted, he wouldn't be able to sleep through the night, have clean clothes, a clean house, food on the table, free after school childcare etc.

1. If my husband doesn't want to do his share then I will outsource at his cost.

The only time the I've had to outsource was when I first set these boundaries a few months ago. I herniated a disc and was out of action for 5 weeks. Husband didn't do any laundry in this time because he "hates doing it" because I'm better at it. He had to pay £70 of his money to get everything service washed when we eventually ran out of clothes. It did not come out of joint finances because he wouldn't have needed to outsource if he'd done his part.

My husband really REALLY resented me for the first couple of months of my new boundaries. But with therapy, he unpacked those feelings and changed his mindset to recognise that just because I don't get paid doesn't mean I'm not working as hard as him.

He now pulls his weight and I don't feel like I'm dying of exhaustion. Our relationship with each other has improved massively. I'm able to be fully present and have the energy to be a better wife and mother.

I would honestly start by telling your husband that you've decided that if he can't make himself available on weekends, then he is paying for a cleaner to take something off your load. And that if he can't put a load of washing in, then he can pay for a laundry service. And if he resents you then so be it. Remind him that you'd resent him less if he actually supported you and the child you both created.

My DH does 10 til 2am wakes, I do after that, usually 4amish.
If we're both working he will stretch it til 2.30 if he can. We both get up at 6am workdays.

If I'm off and he's working I try to cover from midnight but sometimes I don't hear lo.

Regards nappies, I rate Aldi as being the most absorbant with least leaks, but if you get lots of leaks, sizing up can work.

Yes!
I was up at 4.15 with baby DS the the other night, back to bed 4.40 ish, still awake at 6.15 when the knock on the door came from big DS and that was the day started.
DH just rolled over and went back to sleep! Then said he was tired in the morning as his sleep was still "disturbed" 😱

He’s perfectly happy with this arrangement where he gets hours of leisure time to kick back or pursue his hobbies while his wife has none. He’s doing almost nothing. He can see the inequality, (he’s not stupid, he can see his wife is still on kid duty when he comes home of an evening) yet he waits for her to break down from exhaustion before offering a few crumbs of relief that he’s even using another woman to fulfil. Talk about entitlement.

This isn’t a partnership, this is a man buying his leisure time with his wife’s emotional and physical labour. It never fails to amaze me how most men will limit their effort to 1% above than the absolute bare minimum it takes for the relationship to not break down rather than give more help to their partner than they absolutely need to.

Household inequity like this makes life better and easier for men. It allows them to earn more at work, to have more leisure time, and to enjoy having children without all the work and stress.

Time is the one thing we can’t get more of. He’s stealing her precious life with his reluctance to give up a little of his time to play his part in raising the child he also made.

@Fruitandclottedcream you are a legend!

Fuuuuuuck …

He needs to drop his commitments at the weekend to be more present. He can get involved again when your child’s older and sleeping better.

When we were in this situation DH used to get up 6am with DS and wake me 8am before he went to work so juggled getting ready. He got up earlier so he wasn’t rushed and I got some sleep. I always got up throughout the night so he had undisturbed sleep so this worked for us. We split it weekends and took turns getting up.

Fair point

Indeed. If you fucked off and left him with the baby he would soon learn that people can work full time and still look after a baby- like millions of women are forced to every day.

Why should he only help “occasionally”, as a “one off”, because she is on maternity and/or a stay at home mum? OP is on the brink of collapse - he should be stepping up frequently, supporting his partner the way OP has been supporting him advance his career and in every other way.

In general it’s utter nonsense how women are still expected to put up and shut up, when they have to basically work round the clock, at home, with the baby, but in the same breath have to always be grovellingly appreciative to the man because he “puts food on the table”, and so continue his life unchanged.

And I never understand the need for time to yourself. You have a baby. They're the priority. Plenty of time to shove a face mask on when they've grown. Lying in a bath for ten minutes before you get in bed should be enough.

Er, good for you?

Is it really so hard to imagine that some mothers absolute crave some time for themselves to rest, recharge and regain some sanity before getting back on the relentless treadmill that is caring for an infant?

10 whole luxurious minutes to yourself? Surely not every day? Calm down, Mariah Carey.

🙄

You’ll have fun when your kids grow up and move out and you have nothing else in your life because all you ever needed was them.

@Dogrough I imagine this is the sort of poster who loudly proclaims her love for her gc on Facebook, lives vicariously through her children/grandchildren, posts memes about being blessed with family and has 'live laugh love' decals in the kitchen whilst bitching about her DIL in Mn!

I haven't read the full thread but so sorry you are going through this. I read in a book recently about how some women think they need to do night feeds so that their husbands/partners are well rested for work. However we never seem to hear of men wanting to do night feeds so that women are well rested for a day of mothering. I was lucky in that my husband always did his fare share but it still resonated with me.

I really don't buy this idea that as you're on maternity leave you should be doing all the night wakes. Looking after a baby is HARD WORK, and even harder to do if sleep deprived. A man's need for rest for work shouldn't come before a mums needs either. I was lucky that me and my husband always split it.

And time to yourself is an absolute basic need. We all need that time to recharge to enable us to be better parents as you can't pour from an empty cup. I read on here about a couple who split their weekend into four (sat and sun morning and afternoon). One quarter would be time to yourself, one family time and one chill at home. We started doing it and it really helped as well as giving each other one "full" day off parenting a month.

Her husband also has a baby

Does that apply to fathers too?

Ah, so sleep deprivation and physical and mental collapse don't matter. Women are fucktoys and breeding machines, after all.

You imagine wrong.

@Middleagedspreadisreal what example are you giving your DC if you have no time to yourself

I've just read some of the responses and honestly feel I've regressed back to the 1950s. I honestly can't believe people are suggesting it's awful to make the husband get up at 4am to give a bottle to his OWN CHILD. However perfectly acceptable for a mum who is on her knees, completely sleep deprived should get up at 4am and then wake 2 hours later to get her baby up for the day.

And as for the post that 10 mins in the bath is enough time to yourself is a recipe for a breakdown if I ever saw one.

I can't believe the importance that is placed on a man's working job but a mum must suppress all her needs and feelings and be to the beck and call to her baby and husband regardless of how worn out she is.

I was born in the 80s and even then my dad did his equal share of night feeds even when my mum was a a SAHM. My husbands dad the same. It's a shame that 30/40 years later some people seem to have not caught up with equal parenting.

But seriously, if you say to the OP that you can’t understand her need for time to herself, because she has a baby, and that there’s plenty of time to “shove a face mask on”, when they are grown up, would you say exactly the same to her husband?

Would you tell him that you can’t understand his need to have all this extra time to himself - the hobbies in the week, the looking after the kids football team (instead of looking after his own child), the sleeping peacefully throughout he night, because he will have plenty of that, when his child has grown up. Would you say that to a man, to the father, to the OPs partner??

No of course not. He should rearrange his priorities.