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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH he can't opt out of being a Dad

956 replies

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:14

DH runs his own company, the past few weeks parenting our 5 month old has been on me as he's working a lot to get a project done but I am exhausted.

DD has had a cold and cough so sleep has been limited. I'll add that I do 100% of the housework and laundry, dog walking and appointments etc.

DD goes to bed at 6, I've tried to stretch it to 7 but she refuses daytime naps and ends up screaming where she's overtired.

Last night, DH went to bed at 10 and I stayed up to watch something until 11, I know I should sleep when baby sleeps but it's my only alone time from 6:30am, when everyone is in bed.

I went to bed at 11, changed DD's nappy but she'd wet through so I had to wipe her down properly and put her in clean pjs and sleeping bag. 15 minutes later she had done a poo so I changed her again. It took another 45 minutes to settle her. At 4am she was really fussing, I woke DH and asked him to please do her a bottle and check her nappy as I was so tired.

He was annoyed and said he's tired and can't keep up as he'll start making mistakes at work.

This morning as he was leaving I said this comment wasn't fair, 99% of the parenting and housework etc is on me and I'm really tired and he can't opt out of being a Dad because it's 4am and he's tired, he's left for work in a mood with me.

What do we do here? I'm genuinely knackered. AIBU for waking him to do one bottle/nappy?!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 25/10/2023 09:40

ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:27

@Mindymomo I might have to just go to bed at 7 or something, I just feel so overwhelmed all of the time that an hour to myself in the evening is bliss.

Putting the husband to the side for a moment, yes you should go to bed at 7 when you have an unwell baby who is waking. Sleep when they sleep as much as you can. I know it's tempting to watch TV in peace or do some chores, sleep is much more important.

I think in the circumstances you described your dh should have helped you and he does sound pretty useless. I doubt once you go back to work, he will suddenly step up. On the other hand, it does sound like you are making a meal out of having one baby.

CheekyHobson · 25/10/2023 09:41

If he makes mistakes that cost him the project and his livelihood, that is not good.

Are there really many workplaces where the kind of slip-up you might make due to a bad night of sleep will cost you your job… nay, your entire livelihood? 🤔

Sounds melodramatic to me. Unless her husband is a brain surgeon, I think he can help out in the night from time to time when the OP is running on fumes.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/10/2023 09:42

i think YABVU. He's working hard to support his family. You're not working at the moment, of course you should do all childcare and housework in the week. Weekends should be split evenly.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 25/10/2023 09:42

Prettypaisleyslippers · 25/10/2023 09:31

So you stayed up late and expect him to get up when working?

absolutely. Now that OP is a mother she should expect absolutely no down time or time where she can have an hour to herself ever, especially if it means expecting her husband to do any parenting as a result.

she should be in bed at 7pm every night, lights off to ensure there is absolutely no risk whatsoever of her husband being woken early from his full nights sleep to help out once in a while.

anything she could possibly want to watch at the godforsaken hour between 10pm and 11pm is probably not suitable viewing for a mother anyway, and if it's essential she could catch up on it whilst ironing his shirts.

DuploTrain · 25/10/2023 09:43

He needs to be making sure that you have child free time at the evenings and weekends.

He works in the week, and while he’s at work you provide the childcare. Evenings, nights and weekends childcare and housework should be shared. This means you both have equal leisure time.

And it is really important that he does some of the night stuff because otherwise you’ll find you have a 2 or 3 year old that “will only settle for mum” and you’ll never be able to have a day or evening out, while he continues to do as he pleases.

SpareHeirOverThere · 25/10/2023 09:43

You're both working. Both jobs deserve respect and require sleep. Both of you deserve equal downtime when the other is in charge of the baby.

If you make a mistake due to exhaustion, your baby's safety could be at risk. Your health - physical and mental - already will be.

You should not apologise for reaching out for help when you are exhausted. He should apologise for failing to remember that you are working hard, childcare is an actual paid job for many, and him failing to value what he gets for free is not okay.

Football needs to go, unless you get equal time off. Weekends for now are for family - this won't last forever, but you are in a crisis of exhaustion and he needs to step up.

FeverBeam · 25/10/2023 09:44

God forbid a man be woken in the night to tend to his baby,

Universalsnail · 25/10/2023 09:44

Unless he is something like a surgeon or drives long distance for a living I think it is completely reasonable for him to help in the nights sometimes.

Doveyouknow · 25/10/2023 09:45

As a one off he should've helped - getting up once at 4am isn't going to kill him. Plenty of working parents get a broken night's sleep and manage. While I was on mat leave I did most of the nights in the week but my dh took the kids on a weekend morning so I could get some sleep. He should be able to do that.

Spacecowboys · 25/10/2023 09:45

With our first born, I did all the night feeds/ waking through the week whilst on mat leave. Dp took over at weekends. With second born, dp shared night feeds through the week as well because I had a three year old at home by then so couldn’t rest through the day like I had with our first. Luckily his job wasn’t long distance driving or something like that where broken sleep would have been dangerous. I think if you’re exhausted you should go to bed early and leave your dh to do the last feed. That way you’ll get a longer unbroken sleep.

SecondUsername4me · 25/10/2023 09:45

Fair enough you doing the overnights on the ones he works the next day, but he needs to take the Friday and Saturday overnights.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2023 09:46

I think the main problem here is the football - there’s no room for him to be doing football all weekend and some evenings when there’s a little baby in the house. You can’t do 100% of it all, always.

You still have to be able to be somewhat alert during the day to look after a baby just as he does at work. You can certainly ask him to do the odd weekday night even if not regularly, and weekends should at the least be shared.

That said, I don’t think staying up too 11 when your baby goes down at 6.30 is reasonable if you’re then going to ask for him to take on some of the night because you’re so tired. I’m a night owl myself, and I understand that time is blissful but at this specific time, when the baby is ill, and you were extra tired, was the time to go to bed at 7/8 ok. You say “that hour” but it was 4.5 hours. Plenty of time to chill, have dinner and still go to bed early.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2023 09:48

But even my dad, who was a very old fashioned “my role is at work, yours is at home” person (although he did a lot to the life admin/ non child related mental load, shopping etc to balance it out a bit) did night wakings including when he was going to work. Because everyone needs sleep to function, not only men.

LeavesOnTrees · 25/10/2023 09:49

We split the night wakings when I was on maternity leave, even when my DH had to get up to work.

He didn't even question not getting up in the night and doing his fair share, as I was recovering from giving birth and also looking after the baby during the day which is a full time job.

Pigeonqueen · 25/10/2023 09:50

I think asking him to help as a one off at 4am when the baby’s been unwell and you’re shattered is fine, you’d do the same if the roles were reversed. But longer term you need to accept you need to go to bed earlier - even if this means you sacrifice some alone time - as if she’s sleeping from 6pm then you can have alone time from 6-9pm and still get a good bulk of sleep in.

The football at weekends is more of an issue. That means you can’t split the parenting between you at weekends which is what most people with a sahp set up would do.

LeavesOnTrees · 25/10/2023 09:52

We also took it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend.

Two parents with one baby working together should be able to find a solution which works for everybody.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 25/10/2023 09:53

Cannot believe how many posters are berating the mother of a 5 month old baby for staying up to watch some telly as a one off and then asking her husband for some help when he does the grand sum of fuck all most of the time.

She's allowed a break sometimes as well! Motherhood isn't martyrdom. He could also have gone to bed at 7pm to make sure he got enough sleep to get up to deal with the baby and let his wife have a night off being permanently on call for once.

TeenLifeMum · 25/10/2023 09:53

These threads annoy me so much. My dh has the view that his job is in the office and mine was looking after dc during the same hours, outside of his work hours it was shared and housework was shared too! He had an hour long commute each way and yes he was tired but we alternated wake ups so we knew we’d have a block of sleep - dd1 would sleep only 2 hours at a time so by alternating we’d both get 4 hours in a row undisturbed. Even my dad would do night feeds in the 1980s. Yet this thread seems to be enabling them to put everything on the mum. She may be on mat leave but still needs to function and not get ill.

Original poster
ftm03 · 25/10/2023 09:54

Thanks everyone, I was fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable that's why I posted in AIBU to get others perspectives.

When I say an hour to myself I meant after DH goes to bed, there is not a minute of the day where I'm not being touched by the baby or dog, walking the dog, feeding baby, changing baby, playing with baby, cleaning and laundry. It's just nice to be completely alone for an hour but I take on board that I need to go to sleep instead.

DH won't give up his football or the kids football team, it's his time and exercise and hobby. I don't want to put my foot down as it'll only make him resent me.

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 25/10/2023 09:55

PinkRoses1245 · 25/10/2023 09:42

i think YABVU. He's working hard to support his family. You're not working at the moment, of course you should do all childcare and housework in the week. Weekends should be split evenly.

She is working, she's looking after a baby, how much does this cost to outsource? AND she's recovering from giving birth.

It's a lot of responsibility looking after a baby.

Anna8089 · 25/10/2023 09:55

Everyone who lives in the house should do their own fair share of keeping it in order.

luckylavender · 25/10/2023 09:56

Prettypaisleyslippers · 25/10/2023 09:31

So you stayed up late and expect him to get up when working?

This.

FeverBeam · 25/10/2023 09:56

Prettypaisleyslippers · 25/10/2023 09:31

So you stayed up late and expect him to get up when working?

Not this.

LeavesOnTrees · 25/10/2023 09:57

If the dad had gone to bed at 8pm he would have had 8 hours sleep if he'd then had to get up at 4am. Perfectly reasonable.

DuploTrain · 25/10/2023 09:57

But when do you get your time for hobbies, exercise, or just doing nothing/whatever you feel like?

Why do you recognise that he’s entitled to that but you’re not?