Family Friends being unreasonable - how to react

[ComfortFoodCorner]

We are friends with this family for 5+ years. We are very close, we live nearby, we get along so well, we celebrate all big events together. For any kind of help, this family is the first we turn to, and they never refused to help. We are the same for them too. There is this small issue that's been going on for several years and I feel I need to do something about it now. This is just silly, but hope you dont find that way. They have the habit of decluttering their home, and dump all the unwanted things to us. Repeatedly - to the extent, everytime we go to their home we come back with big bags of items. It doesnt matter we need them or not, they find it easier to unload the items through us. I tried being polite, and I took up the task of donating them myself. Couple years back it became too much for me. I work full time, and I find really hard to keep my house clean. My friend doesn't and she maintains the house very clean. I have told both the husband and wife both, that I hardly find time to clean/declutter, they seem to empathise, but still they dont stop this behavior. It is not just house hold items - but also groceries, clothing, left over food that she spoilt either by making it too spicy/salty that's almost unconsumable, etc. Most of the items must be going to bin, but they dont have the heart to bin them and just dump on us thereby making it our worry to carry the guilt of binning them. Couple times I got annoyed, and I carried the items to their home and gave it back to them saying I dont need them. Then they became clever. Because we are codependent, like she helps in my DD school pickup, and we do exchange special cooked items, she sneaks in the decluttered/leftover items along with the special items. So you can't accept one and say no to the other. Similarly, as she helps in my DD's school pickup, she sends those items through DD and I am in awkward position to keep taking the items back, as I am bit hesitant to upset them, as the next day I do need their help in school pickup. They both do take it really bad when I return the Items they are dumping on us. At one point DH and I accepted to our fate that we just have to take the task of clearing off their declutters. If I have anything that I think they would like it, I will message them asking if they want it. Only if she says yes, I will give them. Same with food as well. I only give the food that i know they will enjoy for sure. I seriously wish they give me the same consideration. Yesterday we met with them and had a really good time playing games and watching movies. When it was time to leave, lo behold, there were 3 bags of declutter for us to carry home. I couldnt say anything, but carried them home with heavy heart. It really upset me so much, to have my cluttered house being cluttered by my friends more... All the things that I told them regarding how much the cluttered house is stressing me, is falling on deaf ears. They are the only family friends we have in this country, and we really dont want to upset them. Apart from this, we love them a lot. As I said, they are the first we share any good/bad news, none of our family events go on without them. And for anything ,they are the first to come for help. How can I handle this situation? Any idea...

Just take the food out and take it straight to charity. How do they even have so much clutter in their house if its supposedly very tidy. Maybe even tell her you are taking it to charity. Also it's a bit offensive for her to give you food they don't think is edible themselves. Just tell them you tried it and agree it was not nice so it went in the bin.

This has got to be a cultural/how they were raised thing. I grew up around someone who couldn’t seem to throw anything away; when it’s that baked into you, you KNOW the things are worthless/unnecessary but you CANNOT bring yourself to get rid of them permanently. It doesn’t make it right but it does sort of explain it. When you add in a dose of a hospitality-focused culture and bake THAT into a chronic can’t dispose of stuff mentality, you wind up becoming easily offended if people don’t accept what you give. Again, it doesn’t make it right; I’m simply stating that from a cultural/how they were raised mentality it might be similar to turning down an expensive bottle of wine or declining to take a ride in a new car - sort of insulting. (Not defending it. Just saying the friends may feel this way!)

If it was me? I think if these were truly close friends I’d take the wife on a gal’s day out and visit a favorite charity shop. Ours has their giving statement posted at the checkout - you can see the massive investment they make in the community through the profit off selling donations that are given to them. Make a game of “Jen, let’s collect our donations for them! We can store them in our spare room and Tuesday we’ll take them down to the charity shop together!” - and then choose 1 or 2 things to keep yourself that are “just so lovely”. With time you may break the cycle and teach “Jen” how to take their things directly there.

I’d also tuck the next leftovers that I personally made and everyone hated in the back of the fridge. Next time “Jen” shows up with truly inedible food, thank her for reminding you it’s high time to toss that thing nobody ate that’s in the back of your fridge! Put her discards on your kitchen counter, dig in the fridge, dump your entire foil pan of leftovers into the trash bin with a flourish, leave hers sitting NOT in the fridge, and chit-chat on your to the door. They may just not be conditioned to “waste” food… so you demonstrate!

Tell them someone gave you a copy of Stuffocation and you have decided that you need to massively simplify your life, so wont be accepting any more of their kind gifts.

If they are going to get upset because you do not want to take their old tat and you have been polite about it - they are not the good friends you think they are. If the husband spits the dummy again - ask him - why are you upset WE do not want things YOU do not want? We do not want or need this stuff (shite)
Make other arrangements if it need be or get used to having a life time of this.

Good for you, OP. It's an important message for your daughter.

@ComfortFoodCorner well done!! Fantastic update! Can I suggest that next time you see or talk to her/them, thank her for collecting the two bags and say how well your de cluttering is going (regardless of whether you've done any or not) and tell them how much better you feel and how much better you're sleeping and how you didn't realise how BADLY all the clutter was affecting your stress levels, and what a relief it is to know they won't be giving you stuff anymore!

Then reiterate how grateful you are for them helping you with your stress and decluttering EVERY time you see them for the foreseeable - turn the NOT giving you stuff into the favour they thought they were doing you before!

Take the bags and drop them on their doorstep. Don’t bother to knock just leave. It’s blunt but they will get the message. If he loads them in your car again on another occasion take them and put them on their drive/door step/ side of the road. It’s NOT your problem. Yes you’re friends but they’re taking advantage of your kind nature. Stand up for yourself otherwise the stress will drive you mad. X

You 100% did the right thing @ComfortFoodCorner - calmly and assertively.

However I would expect Mr Angry to punish you somehow - probably by snubbing you as he will take any boundary as an insult. Just be ready for that.

Also how will your DH cope with this?

When it's time to go home. Just say " Tell you what can I pick it up tomorrow , do you mind???"
If she asks why ,just say : " I LL explain later, but I really can't take it right now."
THIS IS SOMETHING SIMILAR TO WHAT I DO WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME TO DO SOMETHING.
I say : Can I let you know nearer the time.
These friends sound really MANIPULATIVE.
BUT!!!!!!!! Don't try getting clever, because MANIPULATORS are CLEVER!!!
So say : Sorry, I cannot take it right now.
Practice in A MIRROR ....I CANNOT TAKE RIGHT NOW, IS TOMORROW OK ( OR NEVER!!!!)

Next time you go to part ways and if they have anything for you, say politely that you’re trying to declutter your house so you really don’t want more things to have to sort through. Tell them you’re trying to live a more simple life with less ‘things’ so bc whilst it’s lovely of them to offer, they’d be better off finding someone or a charity shop that would benefit better. As for food, may be a bit harder to say no, but I’d say thank you so much etc but you’d much prefer they keep it themselves/freeze it etc or say you’re ok for now as been batch cooking and freezer is too full. You’re hopefully being obvious in saying no, but keeping it friendly?

Why, in over 200 posts, do people never bother to check for updates?

I would take it all back and leave it on their doorstep every time and just say sorry we don't have room but I'm sure you can sort it. Do this everytime with every item even food. Go out make new friends please they are taking the piss.

https://www.bhf.org.uk/shop/donating-goods/book-furniture-collection-near-me

Send the the details of a charity house clearance service or see if any of it can be sold via fb marketplace & keep the profits yourself.

I know, right?

A bit like "cancel the cheque".... lol.

i would tell them next time we sat together that I have been inspired by Marie condo’s videos and I’m throwing away lots of things! I would talk in detail that applied From food to toys and it is a process that will take 1-2 months to reach the desirable state. Obviously during this time as I’m decluttering I cannot UNFORTUNATELY take anything from anyone. I would link my mental state for an extra sense of guilt. After the 2 months I would say how much better I feel
and that I’m not planning to add (by shopping or other means) anything new to my household to maintain my happy state of mind.

Just say no thank you and give your reason one time. Then leave. And continue your friendship as usual. If something changes with regard to your friendship for the worse on their side then so be it. They’re not as good a friend as you think

I really feel for you- this is very tricky. Given that you took a firm stance before and things went sour, it doesn’t make sense to repeat that. So the question is: how important is this friendship? If you feel your lives will be poorer without them, you might just have to keep putting up with it. Have you ever done a car boot sale? It’s amazing what people will buy- one man’s trash is another man’s treasure! And regarding the food, if you have a garden you could compost it. At least this way you might benefit from some of it! I don’t envy you, I hope you find a solution.

When she says “yes, ok bin them” I’d immediately put them in her bin!!

No. That needs to be your word of power. Just say No. No - we don’t need it. No - we don’t have space. No - do not give this to us. Practice it. Feel comfortable with it. Just, NO.

Personally, I'd declutter (or even go shopping for several carrier bags of crap from charoty shops) and have them in the car. When she gives you the next lot, just say "perfect, I was decluttering myself this week, and thought you'd like these" and repeat as necessary

Or find some new friends

Very odd the lady send her husband to pick up the 2 bags n gone in 10 seconds that took u several years because u n your husband are that really depress to keep in touch with them instead stand up n said no at the being. There's plenty other people who u can make friends and don't have to be that selfish high maintenance friends who send u rubbish stuff. Also u should not rely them for school pick up n drop off as its my job my children not do favour which they have upper hands n bully u and give u no chance to said no.

Simple thing is if she give u a bag don't carry it but put it down immediately when she give it to your hand forcefully just hold it 1 seconds n put it down immediately says no but u silent so scary to answer back no.

I hope the selfish couples read this and realise n give u immediately apologise n make up for give u n your husband so many years of stress and how u r depress to keep in tie with them.