Family Friends being unreasonable - how to react

[ComfortFoodCorner]

We are friends with this family for 5+ years. We are very close, we live nearby, we get along so well, we celebrate all big events together. For any kind of help, this family is the first we turn to, and they never refused to help. We are the same for them too. There is this small issue that's been going on for several years and I feel I need to do something about it now. This is just silly, but hope you dont find that way. They have the habit of decluttering their home, and dump all the unwanted things to us. Repeatedly - to the extent, everytime we go to their home we come back with big bags of items. It doesnt matter we need them or not, they find it easier to unload the items through us. I tried being polite, and I took up the task of donating them myself. Couple years back it became too much for me. I work full time, and I find really hard to keep my house clean. My friend doesn't and she maintains the house very clean. I have told both the husband and wife both, that I hardly find time to clean/declutter, they seem to empathise, but still they dont stop this behavior. It is not just house hold items - but also groceries, clothing, left over food that she spoilt either by making it too spicy/salty that's almost unconsumable, etc. Most of the items must be going to bin, but they dont have the heart to bin them and just dump on us thereby making it our worry to carry the guilt of binning them. Couple times I got annoyed, and I carried the items to their home and gave it back to them saying I dont need them. Then they became clever. Because we are codependent, like she helps in my DD school pickup, and we do exchange special cooked items, she sneaks in the decluttered/leftover items along with the special items. So you can't accept one and say no to the other. Similarly, as she helps in my DD's school pickup, she sends those items through DD and I am in awkward position to keep taking the items back, as I am bit hesitant to upset them, as the next day I do need their help in school pickup. They both do take it really bad when I return the Items they are dumping on us. At one point DH and I accepted to our fate that we just have to take the task of clearing off their declutters. If I have anything that I think they would like it, I will message them asking if they want it. Only if she says yes, I will give them. Same with food as well. I only give the food that i know they will enjoy for sure. I seriously wish they give me the same consideration. Yesterday we met with them and had a really good time playing games and watching movies. When it was time to leave, lo behold, there were 3 bags of declutter for us to carry home. I couldnt say anything, but carried them home with heavy heart. It really upset me so much, to have my cluttered house being cluttered by my friends more... All the things that I told them regarding how much the cluttered house is stressing me, is falling on deaf ears. They are the only family friends we have in this country, and we really dont want to upset them. Apart from this, we love them a lot. As I said, they are the first we share any good/bad news, none of our family events go on without them. And for anything ,they are the first to come for help. How can I handle this situation? Any idea...

In your position - and I don't know the setup of your homes, so don't know if this is possible - I would smile as they gave me a bag, say thank you, and then while I was still in their driveway, walk over to their bins and put it in. Or into your own bins, if it's at your house. Then shrug and say you have no space for it, no emotions, just breezy and casual. They are manipulating you and they know you feel guilty, so I wouldn't let them see any emotion or nervousness.

“I have experienced how much it angers/upsets them when we refuse”

These people are NOT your friends. Friends don’t do this.

Disengage from them and find real friends.

OMG what is wrong with people, this is the third post I've read about someone who is unable to say no. You're an adult, just say no!

They bring 3 bags out - I've no room for anymore of your stuff, thanks for offering but I don't want or need anymore stuff.

You're not co-dependant at all, if you're unable to say no stop using her for pick ups. Or whenever you give them food, just give them what they've snuck in your dd's bag or shit you don't want.

If they get funny with you, so what, they obviously aren't that good a friend then. Dump them and move on. Stop being such a wuss and a walk over. Next thing they'll be giving you their rubbish bags to dispose of.

Buy them a wormery so they can compost their leftovers instead of dumpling them on you.
They sound passive aggressive and nasty I’m afraid.

I understand how they think. My MIL thinks the same way and, until we moved away too far for it to make sense, she would constantly send us home with her junk. She felt virtuous for doing us a big favor but it really bothered me because it added to our clutter. It also added to my workload as my husband is not one to throw away free junk and would insist that I spend my precious time sorting through it and keeping the junk that he deemed might one day be useful. I wasted so many precious hours of my life sorting through her old trash. Some of this junk is being displayed, right now, in my living room. These junk objects annoy me every time I have to pick them up and dust them. Unbelievable.

I know it's hard, because if you refuse this junk, it will be held against you. It's essentially a power move on their part. They know you need their friendship more than they need yours, so they feel entitled to soothe their guilt over throwing away trash, by giving it to you. And, it puts you in a difficult position because if you reject their trash, they get mad and there's the fear they'll stop being your friends, and you'll have no friends.

However I think you need to draw the line. And where I, personally, would draw the line, is with spoiled food. It is really wrong for them to give you food that has been spoiled. If they wouldn't eat it themselves, it's not ok to give it to you. It's like saying your lives are just not worth as much as theirs. And there's the risk that one of your children will not know it's spoiled and might eat it and get sick. Is that worth being friends with them? I don't think it is.

I think what you need is either you accept that they have crossed the line and you need to start phasing out these friendships and learning to make new ones, or you need a way to change their behavior, or change your own. For example, when they say, "Here's some takeaway food, it smells a bit funny and we didn't want to eat it but we thought you might like it," you could say, "Barbara, are you trying to kill us or what? (jokey voice, or offended voice, whichever you think will work better) I thought we were friends." Barbara (or Bob) might then say, "Oh, nonononono. The food isn't bad, it just smells a little funny, I'm sure it's fine. But you know how my stomach is so sensitive." And you say, "If it smells funny then no one should eat it. No, thank you (as she pushes the food at you) I'm not going to take it home. I would be happy to throw it away in your trash for you if you can't make yourself throw away food, but you really need to learn how to throw away spoiled food for yourself." And so on.

Keep a bag of stuff in the car, and every time they give you something say no thanks we are decluttering and oh I nearly forgot we have some stuff for you!
if they turn up with stuff and your child, say we don’t need it but I can drop it over to other friend for you and say you thought they might like it? I suspect they would be horrified by this.

Yes op!
You need to return the favour.

You should bag it all up in a different bag, bring it over to her and say you were having a clear out and if she could make use of this stuff. If she says no remember how easy it is for her to say no and you should be able to say no just as simply back. Or if she says yes then they’re out of your hands ☺️ I think going forward you will have to decline everything though, as hard as it will be to turn down sweets and good food!

You and your husband need to find new/more friends, join some clubs, exercise/gym, school pta, volunteer etc etc. see this family less and if they ask why be honest!

These people are not your friends. They really, really aren't.

Stop apologising to them!

And- does anyone else want to know what is in the bags?

My advice is this.
Bring the bags back to them.
Knock on their door and say “Hi friend. I realise that you’re probably unaware but these bags of things that you put together ’for us’ to take home yesterday have been upsetting me since I got home yesterday and it ruined what was a lovely day for me.
You may think you’re being kind but we’ve tried to politely ask you not to give us your stuff and now we’re going to have to tell you we don’t want it. We hate having to be so blunt but so far it hasn’t worked. Here are your things back. We don’t want or need them. We don’t want this situation to damage our friendship as we really value it but we simply cannot accept your stuff anymore.”
Or bring this lot to their bins and pop them in and then text them that if they want it back, it’s in their own bins.
Or donate to charity and send them a text similar to the message above.

Good luck! 🤞🏼

Next time you go to theirs, take bin bags. When they give you the rubbish, wait till they shut their door. Put it in a bin bag and put it intheir bins.

act like this is completely normal. They will soon stop

I think you need to learn to be a bit tougher about binning stuff. Just accepted it gracefully not to offend then stick it straight in the bin and don't give it a second thought.

Hmm I think if you want to keep the friendship just bin the stuff they give you and try not to think about it if you can’t say no

I wouldn't care how much it angered or upset them! I would refuse to take anything that they gave me, and would keep telling them that until they got the message. If they persisted in this then I would be keeping my distance. You keep saying what good friends they are, but good friends would not be dumping the stuff they can't be bothered to deal with on you. I'm sorry, but they are just using you.

They are clearly not going to change so if you make them stop by confronting them then you lose the current friendship.

Low drama route is simply put the items in the bin before reaching home. Don't look at them, don't sort them, just pick up and put in the bin.

If I were you I'd without drama or upset just say each time they hand you a bag of something.

"We have no room, if you want me to take this I will throw it away on the way home, is that okay with you?"

I mean just in case they'd stuck a working iPad or something in there.

But then don't give it a moment's thought.

You had to apologise to him because you declined to allow him to dump a second hand trampoline in your garden? This is an utterly bizarre thread.

It's a weird power thing.

They aren't your friends.

Either leave and then dump the stuff back on their doorstep. Or find your anger and walk away?

Other petty ideas are to photograph the stuff, put it on Facebook and tag them in it saying they are getting rid. Every time.

Or sneak over in the dead of night and cover their garden in it.

They don't care at all about upsetting you, so why do you care so much about upsetting them?

This friendship is really unhealthy - they are saying 'deal with our junk for us without a fuss or we won't be friends with you'.

You need to keep politely declining their rubbish and returning it to them. It might put a strain on the relationship at first but if they are genuine friends they will stop doing this thing that upsets you.

I would just simply dump the bags in their bin outside their home as your leave. They must have a waste bin outside, just put the bags in and leave. If they are upset by this they are not good friends. It’s weird behaviour and they are acting like you are a charity - either refuse to take it or dump it in their bin so they see you don’t want it.

'No. No thanks. I have no need for these items'

Rinse and repeat.

Such a weird dynamic.
You say you are close, yet they won't listen to you and literally use you as their personal rubbish bin. It's actually really disrespectful.

Do you think they only invited you over for the games so they could then dump their bags onto you..?
I cannot see how the friendship can be meaningful from their side at all.... they clearly have no respect for you or your feelings. It sounds almost like they are just using you for what they need?
Do you actually get on with this woman? Or is it more about the kids friendship?

Next time you visit take them a few black bin bags of your old stuff, uneaten food etc just as they give to you.
And repeat.
They might take the hint.

Take the stuff put it in their bin on the way out.