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Original poster

Family Friends being unreasonable - how to react

222 replies

ComfortFoodCorner · 24/10/2023 19:42

We are friends with this family for 5+ years. We are very close, we live nearby, we get along so well, we celebrate all big events together. For any kind of help, this family is the first we turn to, and they never refused to help. We are the same for them too. There is this small issue that's been going on for several years and I feel I need to do something about it now. This is just silly, but hope you dont find that way. They have the habit of decluttering their home, and dump all the unwanted things to us. Repeatedly - to the extent, everytime we go to their home we come back with big bags of items. It doesnt matter we need them or not, they find it easier to unload the items through us. I tried being polite, and I took up the task of donating them myself. Couple years back it became too much for me. I work full time, and I find really hard to keep my house clean. My friend doesn't and she maintains the house very clean. I have told both the husband and wife both, that I hardly find time to clean/declutter, they seem to empathise, but still they dont stop this behavior. It is not just house hold items - but also groceries, clothing, left over food that she spoilt either by making it too spicy/salty that's almost unconsumable, etc. Most of the items must be going to bin, but they dont have the heart to bin them and just dump on us thereby making it our worry to carry the guilt of binning them. Couple times I got annoyed, and I carried the items to their home and gave it back to them saying I dont need them. Then they became clever. Because we are codependent, like she helps in my DD school pickup, and we do exchange special cooked items, she sneaks in the decluttered/leftover items along with the special items. So you can't accept one and say no to the other. Similarly, as she helps in my DD's school pickup, she sends those items through DD and I am in awkward position to keep taking the items back, as I am bit hesitant to upset them, as the next day I do need their help in school pickup. They both do take it really bad when I return the Items they are dumping on us. At one point DH and I accepted to our fate that we just have to take the task of clearing off their declutters. If I have anything that I think they would like it, I will message them asking if they want it. Only if she says yes, I will give them. Same with food as well. I only give the food that i know they will enjoy for sure. I seriously wish they give me the same consideration. Yesterday we met with them and had a really good time playing games and watching movies. When it was time to leave, lo behold, there were 3 bags of declutter for us to carry home. I couldnt say anything, but carried them home with heavy heart. It really upset me so much, to have my cluttered house being cluttered by my friends more... All the things that I told them regarding how much the cluttered house is stressing me, is falling on deaf ears. They are the only family friends we have in this country, and we really dont want to upset them. Apart from this, we love them a lot. As I said, they are the first we share any good/bad news, none of our family events go on without them. And for anything ,they are the first to come for help. How can I handle this situation? Any idea...

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 25/10/2023 14:49

It sounds like a cultural thing where they assume you don't have as much money & somehow need them to help out.

Just don't pick stuff up & drop back round if they keep dumping stuff.

Are there any other families locally who you could try & build up a friendship? This one sounds a bit one sided.

MoaningMolly · 25/10/2023 15:09

Are they from a different culture?? I say this because my mother in law will always over cook (MASSIVELY). Then send us home with several carrier bags of food that the 2 of us couldn't possibly eat before it all goes off. And wouldn't all fit in our fridge even if it was empty. Where she's from it's normal to give food & cook masses. She also never arrives at our house without lots of gifts. I just accept that I'll have to throw the food out. And unwanted gifts go to the charity shop.

aloris · 25/10/2023 16:06

TealSapphire · 25/10/2023 05:00

It's not an easy situation OP.

My mum is the same. She thinks she's helping me out but really it's just more junk for me to deal with.

She had a big falling out with my brother recently because he snapped and told her he is sick of all the things, they have nowhere to store it etc. My parents are talking about cutting him out of their will now!

What I do is this: smaller things I will just put straight in our bin. For lots of things/bigger items I would hire a skip bin. Just have it emptied monthly and every time they bring things just chuck them straight in the skip as soon as they leave. Or if they give you things to take home just chuck it in the skip on your way inside, that way the bags don't even go inside your house.

My mum is a little better lately thankfully. I think partly because no one she knows has died! She's a classic for dumping all the deceased persons 'treasures' onto me. My Grandma is 95 though so soon enough it'll start again.

Wait, what? She has to pay money to hire a skip bin so these people don't have to throw out their own trash? That's cray!

Greenpolkadot · 25/10/2023 16:41

Have you ever found anything that was worth keeping ?
Seriously..they sound a bizarre family to constantly keep giving stuff away.
Just say thank .take it home and dump it straight in the bin

user1471538283 · 25/10/2023 17:32

You cannot possibly hire a skip just to throw their old tat in! If you are getting one anyway I would still be aggrieved because that's for your stuff!

It needs to stop!

Original poster
ComfortFoodCorner · 26/10/2023 12:46

An update on this: I was in 2 minds whether to confront, or to just continue like this, i.e., accepting and binning ourselves. But then, as most of you said, if I respect their friendship so much to protect their feelings by continuously accepting their decluttered items, they should respect my friendship as well if I tell them how much it is stressing me out. I was waiting for a right moment. Coincidentally, she dropped in yesterday for a chat. I brought up that I am struggling to keep the house clean/declutter. Without realising what's in store for her, she started advising me "You should be mindful in what items you are bringing to your home, spend 30 mins daily to declutter" etc etc. That did it, I told her, "The only clutter that we can't stop getting in the house are the ones that you are sending. We are continuously been put in awkward situation in this matter. It is stressing me out to the extent I am losing my sleep over it. It is going on for several years and this has to stop. If I think you might need any of the items in my home, I always ask you first. If you say NO, I wont bother you again. Why dont you show the same consideration to us? Why do you have to dump stuff on us without giving us a chance to say No? Of all people, you know how busy I am, you know my sleep problem; it pains me that you do these despite of that." She said some things, just lame excuses like 'If you have said No, I wouldnt have gave.. I thought you might need it etc". But we both know she never gave me the chance.. and in the past whenever we said No, tehy couldnt accept it. The way I told things to her yesterday, she should have understood that I am ready to give up on their friendship. She messaged later saying her DH will come collect all the things that I dont need. I packed 2 full bags and replied that they are ready for her to collect. 10 mins later, DH came in the car, stood outside. I invited him inside for formality, but as expected he said he only came to collect bags. Fair enough, I gave the bags, and in the next 10 secs his car gone out of the driveway. Later she messaged, I am her best friend etc, I replied, "Lovely to know". I had a good night sleep yesterday. My daughter also watched the entire conversation and I told her, she shouldnt be like a pushover like me and take several years to take an action. I know for sure the dymanics of our friendship is changed now. But I feel really good about taking the decision. I will still be cordial with them, but will always have one eye open for any declutter that they are trying to sneak in. I thought moaning in Mumsnet wont help, but it really helped to clear my mind. Thank you all ladies for your response. I am takign this as a start and going to spend half hour everyday to declutter/clean the house. It feels so fresh for me...

OP posts:
OfcourseitsaNC · 26/10/2023 13:00

Well done you.

Hopefully the way you phrased it will help your friend reflect too.

Onward and upward.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/10/2023 13:14

Ah cool! That's a good result.

Sounds like she got the message!

The DH still sounds like a bit of a dick though 😅

TomatoSandwiches · 26/10/2023 13:14

Well done op.

Comtesse · 26/10/2023 13:19

Straight in the bin. Don’t even open the bags. Feel zero guilt, absolutely zero guilt.

DuploTrain · 26/10/2023 13:19

I’m glad it worked out well for you :)

ChocolateBiscuitsandaCuppa · 26/10/2023 13:42

Well done. Great that you also slept well.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/10/2023 14:13

How bizarre that when you tried to refuse their bags last time, they got really angry, yet this time they took it fine!?

Glad you got it sorted though.

MeridianB · 26/10/2023 14:23

Well done OP!

LAMPS1 · 26/10/2023 15:17

You did well to tell her how you felt.
How dare she instruct you how to deal with unwanted stuff when it’s all her stuff anyway. She will now have to take her own advice and deal with it properly for 30 minutes every day instead of dumping it all on you. Good outcome.

scoobysnaxx · 26/10/2023 15:25

Well done OP!!

I'm glad you said your piece and spoke up for yourself.

I'm also glad she appeared to 'listen' and wasn't nasty to you in return.

And good for you for turning it into a life lesson for your daughter!

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2023 15:47

Oh I'm genuinely so pleased reading your update there @ComfortFoodCorner .

Well done!

Schoolchoicesucks · 26/10/2023 15:48

Returning the items to them is problematic - they get upset and feel it is rude. So you need to not accept them in the first place.

Prepare the ground by mentioning that you are decluttering (and actually do this).

Then when you have spent time together and they present you with 2 bags. "Thank you but no, we are decluttering and we don't have the space for these".

If the husband carries the bags to the car "No thank you, as I said, we don't have space for these".

If he opens your car and puts the bags in "Fred, what are you doing? I said we don't have space for these things". Take them out of the car and leave them on the floor.

You haven't been rude. If they take offence then that is just their quirk. Carry on making arrangements to see them and ignore any frostiness from them.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 26/10/2023 16:38

FABULOUS news OP! Well done! Now you just have to remember to be this assertive with other people in your life who try and make you bend to THEIR will.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/10/2023 17:00

What'a great update! Well done!!!

MinnieL · 26/10/2023 18:00

Great update, well done!!

Newestname002 · 26/10/2023 18:17

Very well done @ComfortFoodCorner! A huge step forward not just for these two people, but anyone else who tries to bully you into doing things you don't want to.

Onward and upwards! 🌹

user1471538283 · 26/10/2023 19:52

Well done! The nerve of her telling you how to declutter though ...

Antst · 26/10/2023 20:17

ComfortFoodCorner · 26/10/2023 12:46

An update on this: I was in 2 minds whether to confront, or to just continue like this, i.e., accepting and binning ourselves. But then, as most of you said, if I respect their friendship so much to protect their feelings by continuously accepting their decluttered items, they should respect my friendship as well if I tell them how much it is stressing me out. I was waiting for a right moment. Coincidentally, she dropped in yesterday for a chat. I brought up that I am struggling to keep the house clean/declutter. Without realising what's in store for her, she started advising me "You should be mindful in what items you are bringing to your home, spend 30 mins daily to declutter" etc etc. That did it, I told her, "The only clutter that we can't stop getting in the house are the ones that you are sending. We are continuously been put in awkward situation in this matter. It is stressing me out to the extent I am losing my sleep over it. It is going on for several years and this has to stop. If I think you might need any of the items in my home, I always ask you first. If you say NO, I wont bother you again. Why dont you show the same consideration to us? Why do you have to dump stuff on us without giving us a chance to say No? Of all people, you know how busy I am, you know my sleep problem; it pains me that you do these despite of that." She said some things, just lame excuses like 'If you have said No, I wouldnt have gave.. I thought you might need it etc". But we both know she never gave me the chance.. and in the past whenever we said No, tehy couldnt accept it. The way I told things to her yesterday, she should have understood that I am ready to give up on their friendship. She messaged later saying her DH will come collect all the things that I dont need. I packed 2 full bags and replied that they are ready for her to collect. 10 mins later, DH came in the car, stood outside. I invited him inside for formality, but as expected he said he only came to collect bags. Fair enough, I gave the bags, and in the next 10 secs his car gone out of the driveway. Later she messaged, I am her best friend etc, I replied, "Lovely to know". I had a good night sleep yesterday. My daughter also watched the entire conversation and I told her, she shouldnt be like a pushover like me and take several years to take an action. I know for sure the dymanics of our friendship is changed now. But I feel really good about taking the decision. I will still be cordial with them, but will always have one eye open for any declutter that they are trying to sneak in. I thought moaning in Mumsnet wont help, but it really helped to clear my mind. Thank you all ladies for your response. I am takign this as a start and going to spend half hour everyday to declutter/clean the house. It feels so fresh for me...

Good on you! But remember in future that the way to avoid an awkward blow-out is to say "no" and stick to it the first time someone pushes you to do something you don't want to do. It'll get easier the more you practice!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2023 20:19

Well done. It sounds like he is more of a problem than her.

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