Family Friends being unreasonable - how to react

[ComfortFoodCorner]

We are friends with this family for 5+ years. We are very close, we live nearby, we get along so well, we celebrate all big events together. For any kind of help, this family is the first we turn to, and they never refused to help. We are the same for them too. There is this small issue that's been going on for several years and I feel I need to do something about it now. This is just silly, but hope you dont find that way. They have the habit of decluttering their home, and dump all the unwanted things to us. Repeatedly - to the extent, everytime we go to their home we come back with big bags of items. It doesnt matter we need them or not, they find it easier to unload the items through us. I tried being polite, and I took up the task of donating them myself. Couple years back it became too much for me. I work full time, and I find really hard to keep my house clean. My friend doesn't and she maintains the house very clean. I have told both the husband and wife both, that I hardly find time to clean/declutter, they seem to empathise, but still they dont stop this behavior. It is not just house hold items - but also groceries, clothing, left over food that she spoilt either by making it too spicy/salty that's almost unconsumable, etc. Most of the items must be going to bin, but they dont have the heart to bin them and just dump on us thereby making it our worry to carry the guilt of binning them. Couple times I got annoyed, and I carried the items to their home and gave it back to them saying I dont need them. Then they became clever. Because we are codependent, like she helps in my DD school pickup, and we do exchange special cooked items, she sneaks in the decluttered/leftover items along with the special items. So you can't accept one and say no to the other. Similarly, as she helps in my DD's school pickup, she sends those items through DD and I am in awkward position to keep taking the items back, as I am bit hesitant to upset them, as the next day I do need their help in school pickup. They both do take it really bad when I return the Items they are dumping on us. At one point DH and I accepted to our fate that we just have to take the task of clearing off their declutters. If I have anything that I think they would like it, I will message them asking if they want it. Only if she says yes, I will give them. Same with food as well. I only give the food that i know they will enjoy for sure. I seriously wish they give me the same consideration. Yesterday we met with them and had a really good time playing games and watching movies. When it was time to leave, lo behold, there were 3 bags of declutter for us to carry home. I couldnt say anything, but carried them home with heavy heart. It really upset me so much, to have my cluttered house being cluttered by my friends more... All the things that I told them regarding how much the cluttered house is stressing me, is falling on deaf ears. They are the only family friends we have in this country, and we really dont want to upset them. Apart from this, we love them a lot. As I said, they are the first we share any good/bad news, none of our family events go on without them. And for anything ,they are the first to come for help. How can I handle this situation? Any idea...

They say the items are ‘for you’ because they think you need them. You accept them every time and occasionally try and say no.

id they’re getting angry that you won’t accept it’s because they genuinely think you need them and you’re being too proud to accept it.

of you’re really as close as you say you are it really realllllly is as simple as ‘we are no longer taking all of your declitter stuff’ and if they’re still angry then they’re not friends, they’ve just lost there disposal team.

It is a daily question it seems, just keep on saying no

Do classes need to be taught on how to use the word no?

@HazardLights

I feel for you OP, as I have a similar friend and have previously had similar treatment from my family. With my friend, she has also got crafty since I started saying no (sneaking unwanted DVDs into the bag when she is returning something borrowed, offering to drop things on doorstep if I don't have time to collect from her!) I would describe her as a self absorbed person who doesn't see herself as such (her DH is even moreso this way, they have no children) and like your friend she interprets my not wanting her stuff as a rejection of her friendship! I don't have any specific advice but wanted to offer solidarity and say that I am sure you are a much nicer people than these friends are.

I get it, I have family that do the same. It's easier for them to give it to me than get rid of it themselves as they find letting go of things that might be useful really hard.

They mean well but it's also self serving.

It's hard that your husband doesn't want to make waves but it's clearly distressing you and making your own life harder.

Can you speak openly at a time they aren't giving you something? So bring it up and say you appreciate them thinking of you but you are finding the things overwhelming. And then just don't take the things - just leave them on their floor / verandah. You would need to be 100% consistent. They are likely to initially push harder when they see you resist but if you don't cave they will stop.

Actually, I do have one thing to add which is that my parents were a bit like this (doing too much for friends) when I was growing up. If you can, be open with your kids about what is happening- and maybe gently mock the friends behaviour (I do this with my friend, to the point that my son describes her as someone with a problem!) - just to help your kids see that this isn't how you want things to be and be clear they don't need to do this for others in their future.

It seems to me that they think they are ‘better’ than you, and look down on you.
stand up for yourself, you deserve better than this, Have it out, once and for all, you don’t want and don’t need their rubbish.
I have never heard of such snobbery.

if you can’t say it to their face, write a letter.

Could you just put the bags directly into their bin on your way out of their house? That way you don't have to take the things home and they will see the things in there and hopefully get the point....

These days, recycling takes up so much time and effort to do it properly especially after a good declutter.
You can’t just put a bag of random decluttered stuff plus unwanted food in the bin all together. It all needs separating out, washing if necessary and dealing with properly. It takes precious time and effort to bin it properly, - and if it can’t be binned directly, it takes extra time, storage space and fuel to drive it to the correct drop off points….council tip/charity shops/ second hand bookstore/ bottle bin/clothing and shoe dumps etc.

These recycling resources are often in short supply in a family with children with two full time working adults living in a small house on a low income. It is no longer as simple as ‘throwing it away’.

OP, your friends are really taking advantage of you.
They are heavy consumers who actually, don’t have a good conscience about the planet. They pay lip service to the planet but don’t follow through with the work. They have time to clean meticulously only because they actually refuse to do any of the tiresome recycling work themselves. They don’t even deal with messy food waste…simply dumping it on you. They tried to dump a second hand trampoline on to you instead of dismantling it and dealing with the different parts properly or instead of paying the council or waste experts to remove it.

They are handing a massive amount of their own house work and expenses over to you…without paying you to do it. All under the guise of being kind to you because you are so obviously in need of their cast offs.
It really is an insult, even if they haven’t actually realised that.

“We love spending fun times with you and really don’t want that to change as we feel you are our family here in this country, but we have come to the point that we can’t be accepting stuff from you any more. We will gladly explain how to do recycling and where to take your stuff to, but we can no longer actually do it for you. It has become a burden to us. Please don’t offload your stuff onto us any more. I hope you can understand how this has been affecting us negatively. “

You’re describing closeness and support in the past. But that’s clearly changed. You say this woman knows you suffer from insomnia and even when you explain the clutter is preying on your mind and making this worse, she carries on.

This family is putting themselves first every single time. Whatever the mutual support dynamic used to be, it’s clearly disappeared now. And it sounds like their subjugation of your family will simply continue.

Please don’t model this abusive, controlling treatment of your family as any kind of ‘friendship’ to your children.

WOW, this is really bad😭. You have to find a way to make new friends. Maybe your husband can stay friends with them nut you can back off?. You can find another way to pick up your children from school?

The husband is really horrible. I bet ge is violent 😭

I had a family member who used to do this to me all the time. Being nice and gentle didn't work. I just told them having to take their stuff to the charity store was something I was getting a bit fed up with. They took the hint and it stopped.

They were a bit of a hoarder and couldn't go past a bargain, I think. It was all useful stuff in their eyes and they couldn't bear not to use it, so because they saw it as useful stuff, they thought I would too.

When I didn't want the new quilt covers they gave me they told me I could store it under a bed for when it's useful. I think they didn't grow up with much, so the idea of anything like that was a bonus to them.

These people sound so disrespectful op. Why is this stuff not good enough for them but fine for you? Why do they assume you want other people's cast offs and surplus crap?

I understand that you value their friendship but they clearly don't feel the same towards you and I would be mortified if this is how 'friends' thought of me.

I would politely but firmly tell her that you need to put a stop to all the cast offs once and for all, that it is stressing you out and you don't want or need the things she no longer wants or needs. You value their friendship but you don't feel like they value yours as they are not listening to you or respecting you and you will not be taking anything else from them. You hope the friendship can continue but if this is deal breaker, then fair enough.

Consider your assertiveness and boundaries. It may be worth reading up on this. I think I would turn it back on them. Ask them why they can’t take it to the charity shop. Suggest charities and food banks etc that may be grateful. Look into your local area and see what is available and give them the information. Also ask why they can’t throw the food away. Is it cultural for them? You need to ask them more questions and tell them not to give to your dd. Be specific say how much you value their friendship etc but why do they keep having so many things to give away? Have they a shopping issue.

The issue here is misplaced fear and anger.

Who has friends that get angry with you?

Who has friends that you are afraid of upsetting?

Who has friends that don’t respect or care for your wishes?

Who has friends that use you to do the hardest part of their housework?

Who has friends that don’t listen to you?

Who has friends that won’t take ‘No’ for an answer?

These are not friends - you are in a toxic power dynamic where you are subjugated and submissive.

Even their hosting of you socially is a power play that they get off on.

You are both walking on eggshells, enabling this nonsense because you don’t want the husband to get angry.

He already is angry - you all know it’s on the surface and he uses this threat of eruption to control you - and you are complying and participant in this dynamic.

Is there also a gender issue here? Are you not listened to as a woman - do the male dynamics only dominate this ‘friendship’

You have two options:

Take your self out of punching distance. Detach from this ‘friendship’ - either slowly or swiftly its up to you.

Front it up. Let him erupt and blow a gasket. Weather it if he is not physically violent. It won’t go on for ever - it will pass by.

If you can’t find the words and actions in the moment with these oppressive and controlling people (understandable) don’t beat yourself up - it’s hard to operate under fear and threat of anger - but take action the next day by returning everything to their door step with a text to say. We don’t need or want this.

Know that their hospitality is false. I doubt they do this with everyone else - just those they believe that they are better than.

It is disrespectful. YOUR time is not worth much so you can sort it out. Their time however, is much more valuable. Your home is not valuable but theirs is so yours can be filled with junk.

If you want to keep them as friends I would proclaim loudly when you are next together that you've read Marie Condo (or something) and you are ruthlessly decluttering your stuff (!) in your whole house and taking anything of any use to the charity shop. Also (and this is key) you are not bringing anything in either than the groceries you purchase (whether you do or not is none of their concern).

"My house is getting me down and I've read this great book ...".

If they continue to try to give you stuff say firmly "No I told you I've got to declutter. I cannot take anything more" and keep it up.

Their junk can pile up. I bet they find some other mug to offload it on.

Like you my friends and I will give each other things but we ask first and we are not offended if the other person says no.

I had a friedn who did this.
For her, she just couldn't throw things away, but she was also trying to clear out her house to move.
We decided that it was our way of helping her, we took the stuff and put it straight in my wheelie bin.

In your case OP I think you have a few options.

1. sit down with them, or message them and say - we love being your friends, but you are doing somethign which we are struggling with and we would like you to stop.
2. show by your actions that you don't want it. So last night, you take th ebags, walk round their house to their wheelie bin and put the bags in there, and say - there you go I've got rid of them for you. With the sweets I would have taken them and walked straight to the bin and put them in and said - well our stomachs are not dustbins. The troubel with this way is that it will upste them
3. Take bags of stuff round to their house every time you go, basically do the same to them. I would do it several times until they get upset and then say to them, this is what you do to us, we have asked you not to and you are still doin it so we thought we would show you what it feels like.
4. suck it up for the sake of the friendship, but have no qualms about just putting it straight into your bin

The problem is it sounds like you are reliant on them too and that's why you won't just say no but no way would I do this unless they're doing something massive in return and this is what they expect.

It is weird that they keep doing it.

I am assuming there are cultural differences at play too as doesn't sound like a relationship between English friends but correct me if I'm wrong.

Omg this situation is winding me up way too much 😂
Honestly I would msg now saying how you feel. Hey I need to get something off my chest i no longer want to be the person you palm your food/clothes general crap off to. It's starting to really piss me off and put on me. Iv tried to say no politely many times. I love you as a friend but I can't do this anymore. We will end up falling out if you don't take this on board.
But if it were me messaging the message would be more are you taking the piss I don't want your crap anymore! 🤣

Sorry for the no speech marks or anything I was too annoyed 😂

This angered the husband really bad

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that.

Start taking your clutter and spoiled food to their house. Every time.

Thinks about it this way if she told you something was upsetting her, she didn't want it and it was now affecting her physical health i imagine you would not only stop doing that thing but also potentially try and help her. She is ignoring it doesn't give a crap and if anything is escalating the dumping.
He is even worse with the cold shoulder and silent treatment

Your options are pretty limited

-you accept it as the "price" of their "friendship" (I'd argue it's not a real friendship as friends don't do this)

• you meet them outside both your homes and take a full loaded car /pretend you have sprained wrists and wear slings / sort sort of other weird reason

• drop the rope and the friendship entirely. if they come to you and want to meet you say fine but I want to be clear it's a social meet up and we aren't collecting or taking away any of your unwanted food and household items. Then you start socialising on your terms/equal terms (ie no dumping stuff on you) and take nothing from them (even any nice high value items you might actually want)

What @LAMPS1 said is a good response