Family Friends being unreasonable - how to react

[ComfortFoodCorner]

We are friends with this family for 5+ years. We are very close, we live nearby, we get along so well, we celebrate all big events together. For any kind of help, this family is the first we turn to, and they never refused to help. We are the same for them too. There is this small issue that's been going on for several years and I feel I need to do something about it now. This is just silly, but hope you dont find that way. They have the habit of decluttering their home, and dump all the unwanted things to us. Repeatedly - to the extent, everytime we go to their home we come back with big bags of items. It doesnt matter we need them or not, they find it easier to unload the items through us. I tried being polite, and I took up the task of donating them myself. Couple years back it became too much for me. I work full time, and I find really hard to keep my house clean. My friend doesn't and she maintains the house very clean. I have told both the husband and wife both, that I hardly find time to clean/declutter, they seem to empathise, but still they dont stop this behavior. It is not just house hold items - but also groceries, clothing, left over food that she spoilt either by making it too spicy/salty that's almost unconsumable, etc. Most of the items must be going to bin, but they dont have the heart to bin them and just dump on us thereby making it our worry to carry the guilt of binning them. Couple times I got annoyed, and I carried the items to their home and gave it back to them saying I dont need them. Then they became clever. Because we are codependent, like she helps in my DD school pickup, and we do exchange special cooked items, she sneaks in the decluttered/leftover items along with the special items. So you can't accept one and say no to the other. Similarly, as she helps in my DD's school pickup, she sends those items through DD and I am in awkward position to keep taking the items back, as I am bit hesitant to upset them, as the next day I do need their help in school pickup. They both do take it really bad when I return the Items they are dumping on us. At one point DH and I accepted to our fate that we just have to take the task of clearing off their declutters. If I have anything that I think they would like it, I will message them asking if they want it. Only if she says yes, I will give them. Same with food as well. I only give the food that i know they will enjoy for sure. I seriously wish they give me the same consideration. Yesterday we met with them and had a really good time playing games and watching movies. When it was time to leave, lo behold, there were 3 bags of declutter for us to carry home. I couldnt say anything, but carried them home with heavy heart. It really upset me so much, to have my cluttered house being cluttered by my friends more... All the things that I told them regarding how much the cluttered house is stressing me, is falling on deaf ears. They are the only family friends we have in this country, and we really dont want to upset them. Apart from this, we love them a lot. As I said, they are the first we share any good/bad news, none of our family events go on without them. And for anything ,they are the first to come for help. How can I handle this situation? Any idea...

Well if you don't want to fall out with them - take the bags and just dump them when you are away from their house/sight?

Thank you for all the responses...

I agree it is a power thing... They do know we want their friendship... more than they want us. We have slowly pulled ourself away from being dependent on them for school pickups. Now the only thing we want them is purely the friendship & company... But I understand how much they are exploiting us, and taking advantage of our politeness ...

Regarding food, they are very healthy eaters, but in our home we dont mind eating junk food every now and then and we are not that healthy compared to them. So that gave us the idea that we would eat anything, and I do find it unacceptable and disrespectful. We do bin the food repeatedly, but it reached to a point why dont they stop it. Reg other questions, why I dont say no :- I have... several times... As I mentioned in one of the previous messages, I even sent back the items... and even sent a polite message saying please dont send us sweets we dont want it... etc.. Sometimes they do give us a warning that they are bringing items, for which we reply we dont want it.. They do it anyway over our refusal, pretending not hearing me or not understanding me. Once I refused to take the sweet box (which the wife mentioned to me it tastes funny), the husband gave it to my mom in front of me... saying, ' if you dont like it you dont eat it, your mom will eat'. My mom not knowing all these drama accepted it... It's like , they know for sure we dont want it, we dont like it... they just pretend to ignore that fact... as long as the clutter is out of their house , they are happy... when we meet we always have good time, we sometimes look over it and just accept it... thats why it continued for so many years... Now I spent over a day frettign over it.. Thanks for the responses, I will let themselves know that Iam ready to let go of their friendship, that will warn them they cant continue this drama...

Are you from the same culture as this other family, or are you immigrants in their country? I don't think they see you as friends or equals. They seem to see your family as a charity case and to lack respect for you and your DH.

If you want their friendship (big if) mentally prepare to bin their stuff for them. Source tip times and charity drop off points. As previously posted don't sort through it but factor in an hour to drop it somewhere else. You've been entertained by them for 6 hours, they clearly struggle with the waste of refuse, just suck it up as a quid pro quo.

Yes we both are immigrants from same country. We both have so many similaritie as we grew up in same culture. We do have other friends but we didnt "click" with them as much as do with this 'declutter' friends.

Well done OP, I believe you have made the right decision. They seem to view your family as little more than rubbish disposal units, that is not true friendship. True friends would not continue with this behaviour when asked not to, and I agree with a pp that they are showing they don't respect you.

Can you tell us whether you are living in the UK at the moment and whether the couple are British?

@Whatonearth07957 Yes this is what my DH says .. they do arrange get togethers, in their home for hours together ... So why dont we just suck it up and do it as a favour to them? We just take it and throw/donate if we dont want it... That's why it had went for for several years...

to others:

many PPs finds it strange/bizzarre that we, as a whole family, are being a walkover... but it is not black&white as one could easily provide judgement. Yes we can make friends, but after a certain age it is not that easy, and as I said we have history.. we both have helped each other so many times. Be it a silly help or big favour, we only think each other first. We only ring each others first. We both are each others emergency kith/kin in all office/school forms. That's why tolerate it mostly and sometimes we retaliate, but also quickly fold back to square one. So why did I started this thread today and complained... this month alone it happened for the 3rd time, and it really got under my skin...

I would jokingly say ‘you know you can hire a skip for your rubbish rather than just giving it to me.’

I would put it in their wheelie bin as soon as I left their front door.

I have even said directly .... messaged that I am bringing back the items... several times.. they just pretend to forget all those...

They sound awful, I’m sorry. It must be really difficult when they are not listening. Can you just dump everything back on their doorstep? And repeat for ever more and one day (maybe in 2026) they may take the hint. Or just quietly retreat from the friendship.

But do you think they genuinely do value your friendship…? Or do they see you as the poor neighbours who need charity, so they feel they are doing a good deed each time they ‘help you’?
Do they see you as equals?

We have friends like this. 'No' is not accepted and received as hurtful. Unless you are in the same situation, it's hard for o appreciate how difficult it is to 'just say no'. What annoys me is that I am pretty sure it appeases their conscience (they are very environment aware and don't want to just throw stuff away). But then we are left with the items to take to charity shop or just bin if not appropriate. I even asked them what we should do with stuff we couldn't use and was told to pass on to someone else who could use it. Not a chance. They have got better since I have. told them I am decluttering too and finding going through stuff extremely stressful so not accepting anything into the house. Both untruths but appealing to their better nature. It has improved, I now get the occasional 'are you sure you couldn't use x, y, z and I just copy and paste the same response each time. Might be worth a try?

Put it in their bin. Every time.

Thank you for empathising in me... sorry to know that you have similar friend as well... I had told them several times... I work full time, and I am always stressed having to balance home and work demands. My friend doesnt work, so she has time to declutter and maintain a clean home. I have told her so many times how I wish to maintain the home as clean as hers. I have also few times returned back the things to her and expalined to her that more than anybody she would know what I am going through.. She knows I am stressed, and suffer from insomnia. Couple times I have sent back stuff saying I couldnt sleep thinking of the clutter. But it pains me that of all people she would repeatedly do this. More than anything I am angry on myself that why I am accepting. As other PPs said, when they offer rancid food or unusable items, I could say No, It would have ended easier there, instead of my bringing them home and worrying about it later. But it is also truth that they are passive aggressive and will not forget that I said no, and will show that in several ways reminding me that I said no.

You and your husband need to make other friends. Your relationship with these cranks is totally batshit.

This. I'd just put it straight in a bin on the way home

Well who needs the Tip when they've got you?

They're being really insulting and using you.

I'd give it all back and cease contact. But that's just me

I would wait until they shut the door and leave it on their doorstep. I can't believe that so many posters are just saying OP should bin it. That is what these weirdos want them to do, so they don't have to do it themselves. Life is too short to put up with people who do this sort of shit.

OP you are not too old to find new friends, you can make friends at any age. It really would be better not to be so relient on these unpleasant people, they are using you. If you won't do anything to help yourself then nothing will change - so really it was a waste of time coming onto MN to moan.

I have a family member like this (although it's better quality items and in good condition). For various reasons it doesn't work to just say no, and I can't just leave bags at their house. But I just dump it as soon as I can in a bin on the way home. It works - they think they have offloaded it, I don't need the mental space of sorting through it or taking it to the tip or charity shop. It's not really much work for me and easier than arguing with them tbh.

This. They are thoroughly disrespectful of you.

Your husband needs to exert himself to cultivate more friends.

I think the only way is to just leave everything they dump on you on their front door step. Stop taking any food, and stop giving them food. Put absolutely everything, even nice food back on their doorstep. Stuff put in a school bag, take a detour and put it on their doorstep. When they get annoyed just be honest, sorry we can’t keep taking your stuff. You have to be firm or this could go on forever.

You should also start trying to meet other people. Don’t put up with crap because they are your only friends.

This is absolutely bizarre! Are you all in/from the UK? I've never known this food swapping situation before. And the sheer amount of decluttering. Sorry, I've no advice other than saying "No thanks, we are absolutely swamped with stuff ourselves"