Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Friends being unreasonable - how to react

222 replies

ComfortFoodCorner · 24/10/2023 19:42

We are friends with this family for 5+ years. We are very close, we live nearby, we get along so well, we celebrate all big events together. For any kind of help, this family is the first we turn to, and they never refused to help. We are the same for them too. There is this small issue that's been going on for several years and I feel I need to do something about it now. This is just silly, but hope you dont find that way. They have the habit of decluttering their home, and dump all the unwanted things to us. Repeatedly - to the extent, everytime we go to their home we come back with big bags of items. It doesnt matter we need them or not, they find it easier to unload the items through us. I tried being polite, and I took up the task of donating them myself. Couple years back it became too much for me. I work full time, and I find really hard to keep my house clean. My friend doesn't and she maintains the house very clean. I have told both the husband and wife both, that I hardly find time to clean/declutter, they seem to empathise, but still they dont stop this behavior. It is not just house hold items - but also groceries, clothing, left over food that she spoilt either by making it too spicy/salty that's almost unconsumable, etc. Most of the items must be going to bin, but they dont have the heart to bin them and just dump on us thereby making it our worry to carry the guilt of binning them. Couple times I got annoyed, and I carried the items to their home and gave it back to them saying I dont need them. Then they became clever. Because we are codependent, like she helps in my DD school pickup, and we do exchange special cooked items, she sneaks in the decluttered/leftover items along with the special items. So you can't accept one and say no to the other. Similarly, as she helps in my DD's school pickup, she sends those items through DD and I am in awkward position to keep taking the items back, as I am bit hesitant to upset them, as the next day I do need their help in school pickup. They both do take it really bad when I return the Items they are dumping on us. At one point DH and I accepted to our fate that we just have to take the task of clearing off their declutters. If I have anything that I think they would like it, I will message them asking if they want it. Only if she says yes, I will give them. Same with food as well. I only give the food that i know they will enjoy for sure. I seriously wish they give me the same consideration. Yesterday we met with them and had a really good time playing games and watching movies. When it was time to leave, lo behold, there were 3 bags of declutter for us to carry home. I couldnt say anything, but carried them home with heavy heart. It really upset me so much, to have my cluttered house being cluttered by my friends more... All the things that I told them regarding how much the cluttered house is stressing me, is falling on deaf ears. They are the only family friends we have in this country, and we really dont want to upset them. Apart from this, we love them a lot. As I said, they are the first we share any good/bad news, none of our family events go on without them. And for anything ,they are the first to come for help. How can I handle this situation? Any idea...

OP posts:
23Oct · 26/10/2023 20:20

I mean you e don't very very well, but she messaged I am her best friend etc, I replied, "Lovely to know". Reads rude and passive aggressive! If I was her I'd be thinking you were done with me at that point.

Gloriously · 26/10/2023 23:52

What a great update - you recognised the problem, communicated it on MN to crowd source perspective, decided what resonated with you and took some calm and assertive action - no one died - the sky didn’t fall in and you deserve to feel very proud of pushing yourself to do something new.

Justmyopinionbut · 27/10/2023 02:22

I really feel for you. This is incredibly passive aggressive behaviour and the fact that they sulk when you pushback is creating a toxic relationship which is definitely not friendship. It seems to me that they know they have power over you because you need childcare help and you have few other friends. Do you always go to them or do you host ever? Somehow you need to start to show strength and take more of an assertive stance. Show your worth and that you are equal to them. It's a mindset - you sound a little bit like you are so reliant on the friendship that you'll suffer anything, and they know that and abuse it. I'd start trying to hang out with some other families - get some hobbies and meet new people. You're worth more.

junbean · 27/10/2023 02:34

This isn't about stuff. It's non-consensual behavior. It's crossing boundaries after they've been set- repeatedly- and with coercion- fear of angering them. It's the same behavior that's behind abuse and other toxic situations. It just seems innocuous because it's just stuff. But it's also their trash half the time! That really says a lot about them. It would be easier and healthier to make new friends than to keep putting up with this. You need to sit them down and explain what they've done, how it makes you feel, and if it continues even once more you're out for good. I expect they will take it badly so be ready to follow through. You'll have to find other accommodations for their help. It will be tough for a little while but you'll figure it out and wonder why it took you so long!

Unrealnotunrealistic · 27/10/2023 04:10

I think it’s her DH’s upbringing causing this and she feels it is hard to navigate.
I think you did the best thing by speaking out to her honestly.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 27/10/2023 06:37

I wonder if your friend’s husband might be ‘off’ with you for a while? Snarky comments and coldness? If so ignore him, you have done nothing wrong. Hopefully it will all work out and be better from now on, but maybe look at making other friends too. Well done!

androidnotapple · 27/10/2023 07:29

FFS, just grow a backbone. You're leaving their house, they give you stuff you don't want - say 'I'm sorry I don't want it', if they put it in your car, take it out, put it in their black bin. You're an adult.

androidnotapple · 27/10/2023 07:30

oh sorry missed your last update! well done

MaryJanesonabreak · 27/10/2023 07:41

Well done OP, it’s so hard to push back against a well ingrained habit. And the conversation you had with your daughter, fantastic.

jupitermonket · 27/10/2023 08:01

ComfortFoodCorner · 24/10/2023 20:30

Thank you all for your replies.. I will learn to say firm No... I am also quite determined to return back the 2 bags we were given yesterday, which i will find an opportunity this week and return. It has eaten my mind a lot and I had enough... Starting this thread really helped me to ease off some burden... Thanks all once again...

Don’t return the two bags OP, I think that will cause much bigger insult (though it’s crazy the way your friend is insulted!). Just bin them, and have a discussion with them the next time you see them and say it’s causing you anxiety to have so many things from them that you don’t want.

alternatively, since they seem
completely unhinged and insane but you really value their friendship….just accept that this will always happen due to their deep psychological issues. You presumably value the friendship more than you are annoyed by the clutter giving, so reframe it in your mind as you HELPING your friend with their deep emotional problems. Make an agreement with your husband that you just bin everything, immediately, that you receive from them, and accept that you are actually helping a very good friend by doing so. Don’t take it personally, and don’t try to change them. You’ve already tried, and they’ve shown you that they don’t care what you feel. So it’s pointless trying anymore unless you don’t mind if the friendship ends.

since you’re desperate to keep the valuable friendship, just suck it up, reframe it in your mind, have an instant bin plan with your husband and see it as helping some very psychologically and emotionally strange people that you really care about.

Id do it.

Kindling1970 · 27/10/2023 10:02

I’m sorry but these people sound awful. You try to return their stuff and pit
boundaries in place and the husband got mad at you? They are psychos! Dump them and find better friends.

Gribbie · 27/10/2023 10:13

whatisheupto · 24/10/2023 23:03

I would put it in their wheelie bin as soon as I left their front door.

Yup - this!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/10/2023 10:17

These people aren't real friends. They seem to treat you as their garbage bin, especially around food that they were going to throw out/smells a bit funny! That's not how friends behave towards one another.
I'm glad you were able to raise the issue of their dumping their stuff on you even when you have said 'no' to it. I would reduce the co-dependency and find other friends. Otherwise you'll be back where you started in a matter of months once the husband stops sulking.

Beautiful3 · 27/10/2023 10:27

For the sake if the friendship i would just put it straight into the bin, without even looking at it.

Milarky · 27/10/2023 10:30

Well done OP

Pezdeoro41 · 27/10/2023 10:57

Hankunamatata · 24/10/2023 19:45

But your didn't have to take the bags yesterday. A simple no thanks we are decluttering ourselves

Exactly this! “Aaagh sorry I can’t cope with the clutter either, really don’t need more hahaha!” If they still push it on to you they’re not as good friends as you think.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 11:02

jupitermonket · 27/10/2023 08:01

Don’t return the two bags OP, I think that will cause much bigger insult (though it’s crazy the way your friend is insulted!). Just bin them, and have a discussion with them the next time you see them and say it’s causing you anxiety to have so many things from them that you don’t want.

alternatively, since they seem
completely unhinged and insane but you really value their friendship….just accept that this will always happen due to their deep psychological issues. You presumably value the friendship more than you are annoyed by the clutter giving, so reframe it in your mind as you HELPING your friend with their deep emotional problems. Make an agreement with your husband that you just bin everything, immediately, that you receive from them, and accept that you are actually helping a very good friend by doing so. Don’t take it personally, and don’t try to change them. You’ve already tried, and they’ve shown you that they don’t care what you feel. So it’s pointless trying anymore unless you don’t mind if the friendship ends.

since you’re desperate to keep the valuable friendship, just suck it up, reframe it in your mind, have an instant bin plan with your husband and see it as helping some very psychologically and emotionally strange people that you really care about.

Id do it.

Show quote history

The OP has updated...

Pezdeoro41 · 27/10/2023 11:02

Sorry just saw your update - well done!

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 11:03

THE OP HAS UPDATED!!

Sharontheodopolodous · 27/10/2023 11:18

This was my mother

It was everything from her old clothes (I was a size 14,she a size 28 and her clothes,even if they had fitted,where not to my taste) to a kitten she somehow ended up with and dumped onto me-with endless crap in-between-I'm talking 4/5 Black bags every few days

If I tried to get rid of it,she'd scream at me-but I just didn't have the space (I lived in a tiny 3 bed with my dc-her a massive 4 bed-with just her and my father)

She never did this to my brothers-they refused to put up with it and she knew it

I didn't drive and shed make a point of checking I hadn't binned any of this stuff just before bin day

I used to have to walk to the charity shop in the rougher end of town (while heavily pregnant twice at times) where I knew she wouldn't be seen dead in

I finally solved it by going nc-i recommended it-or if that's going a bit too far,start dumping your tat onto them

It's a form of control-they are not bothered about upsetting you with their tat so why not return the favour?

LimePi · 27/10/2023 11:19

just say no thanks and don’t put them in your car!! How difficult is that
JFC

MarilynSays · 27/10/2023 11:47

Would it help if you suggested they put the items for free on a site like facebook marketplace? Or even speak to a local charity shop/collector who would love the things? I think there are app's that you can put food on (sorry can't remember what the app is called) then people who are actually hungry and in need can pick up the food from them. That would surely help them to feel less guilty? Failing that, if you really don't want to say anything to them, you are going to have to accept that you are their maid, taking their unwanted items to the tip every week. Practice saying no thank you! I am on your side this would drive me beyond nuts.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 11:50

FFS!!

Greydogs123 · 27/10/2023 12:03

Say a firm no every time. If they sneak stuff in then take it to their house and leave on the doorstep. I’m not sure these people are truly your friends if this is such an ongoing problem and you are so afraid of their reaction.

Ellie1015 · 27/10/2023 12:26

Brilliant update!!! Especially the DH coming back for bags sounds like they have taken it on board. Hopefully all blows over and normal friendship with no more donations!