To be worried DS will start school without being potty trained

[Doitproperly]

I’m becoming concerned for September.

DS just isn’t interested in potty training. He won’t tell you if he needs a wee or poo (not even sure if he knows) and refuses to sit on the potty. Feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. Not sure if anyone’s got any tips?

Ds was like this, you couldn't brib him for toffy. He only got into liking the sort of things that could brib a young child with in primary school. He was stubborn and I knew he could hold his wee before we started potty training, he was even dry at night before his older sister who is 3 1/2 years older.

Anyway I digress, been an experienced mum having tried all the things on here and suggestions from friends. I gave up and contacted the HV, they where really good and very helpful. I can't remeber how we did it but with there help we got it done. So my advice seek help from your HV, they where way more helpful then I thought they would be. 🙂

Put the potty away for now and come back to it in a couple of weeks.
But it does take commitment. When potty comes back out, nappies aren't an option. Let him wet his pants. Let him be naked. It can take a few days, but the key is consistency. If he's not made progress after a week, take a break and try again in a few weeks.

How is he developmentally? How is his speech and communication?

I have two who were both very late to train (one just before and one just after 4), but for different reasons, both autistic. One speech delayed and one very much not! So I’ve BTDT.

With my speech delayed child, I had to take communication out of it because telling me “I need a wee” was never going to happen. He could pee on demand though. If they just hold it when presented with potty or toilet then there isn’t much you can do - it’s a battle of wills.

I’m fairly sure he isn’t autistic. Stubborn though.

If he's just turned 3 I wouldn't worry at all. Did both my boys at just turned 3 having watched friends go through hell with their 2 year olds! We never bothered with potties either, we just used those little toilet seats that go on the toilet and the steps. They see the rest of the family using the toilet so it's more natural than a potty I think. Try the NHS app Poo goes Home to Pooland.

I think he knows fine where poo should go! Just won’t. And it’s that stubbornness that’s a bit of a worry.

Same.

Children need to be taught things, not always is it necessary to 'wait until til they're ready'. If they don't know how to do something they'll never be ready.

Equally if they won’t do something then it’s a highway to nowhere. But we could argue this all day.

I wasn't arguing. I was just saying my experience.

Have you tried getting rid of the potty altogether? At age 3 I'd bin the potty off and go straight to the toilet. Every single time you go to the loo, take him. Talk through what you're doing. Even if you think he knows, keep on doing it. Put him in pants or bare bum. You need to accept there will be accidents and lots of them at that. Tell him that nappies are for babies and toddlers, which he is not. I think he's too old for the potty.

You just need to tell him now that the nappies you have left are the last ones, or take them away altogether so you have no other option to fall on.
Make a star chart and at the end of it he gets a toy (and a button each time he gets a star) keep reinforcing that he's using the toilet now. When you see his signs if when he needs a poo, pick him up and sit him on the toilet.
If he poos on the floor, pick the poo up, take him and the poo to the toilet and put the poo in the toilet. Ask him to flush the chain and wash his hands as if he's just been on the toilet.

You're only using the nappies because they are still there.

So shame him into compliance? Won’t work, apart from being a bit mean.

Like most toddlers he’s been following us both into the toilet for a long time. We have a toilet seat. He doesn’t want to. He wants to wear nappies and wee and poo in there. Forcing him to wear pants may come in the future but now isn’t the right time for it. Lots of short sentences won’t change that

Have you actually tried a sustained period without nappies?

I would put him in pants, when he has an accident, take him to the toilet, sit him on it while you get his fresh stuff ready and give him a chocolate button.

Tell him he gets two if he manages to get there before the wee comes out next time.

stay home and do it consistently for 3 or 4 days to see if it clicks.

I do feel like you are part if the problem because you say you are worried and want advice but seem to keep coming back with reasons why you cant do it. It's fine if you dont want to but just make a choice that you're going to train or wait and take the pressure off yourself.

I'd advise picking a method you re comfortable with, trying it for 3 or 4 days and if it definitely isnt working then take a break for a few weeks. Pick another method and try again. Take a break.

I just think you're driving yourself round the bend a bit pointlessly.

Exactly where I was .. but her friends in her year are older, one is nearly a full year older. Even if exactly the same age each child is different. Take the pressure off yourself and DS and just keep trying every few weeks, he ll get it when he’s ready. I do wonder if I’d carried on and let DD wee all over the place for days if she would have got it sooner but was definitely no effort when she was ready so saved myself and my carpets a lot of stress just waiting.

@ToadOnTheHill the problem is we have tried all this advice but people can’t seem to accept some kids don’t care about chocolate. I’m not being argumentative or difficult on purpose but it is a bit frustrating when people just ignore what you’ve written already and keep saying ‘chocolate buttons.’

I actually agree I’m part of the problem but not in the way you mean. I think I’ve pushed him and he’s pushed back!

Actually that was one thing we did, was no potty. As he was almost 4 the HV said there was no point. He was very stubborn though and took some time unlike DD who was done in a week. I do think boys are generally harder to train anyway. He still had the oss accident even six months later.

is this for September 2024? if hes not interested dont try. leave till next easter and try again. i swore by her who cant be mentioned on here!

@Doitproperly I totally get that some kids don't care about chocolate, DS still doesn't eat it at 12.

You still have a bit of time before next year so could try again in a few months when he mite be a bit more compliant as they change so much at this age. But really the HV did help a lot.

You can doubt as much as you like, but you’re in the situation you’re in 🤷‍♀️ Speaks for itself.

I could try, I’m not great at asking for help as always feel I’ll be judged.

Sorry? Not sure what you mean?

Who said shame him?
You've come on here for advice as your current strategies aren't working.

And people are giving you good advice and you're pushing back, saying we're arguing, and now shaming the child.

What do you want from this thread OP?

Exactly this. Either take the advice OP or dont bother doing a thread.

You replied to my previous post saying “I doubt it”.

I don’t think anyone suggested shaming him??

But he’s old enough to take some responsibility and help clean up an accident, if that’s what you’re referring to. If his nappy gets changed the second it’s dirty and accidents are swiftly dealt by you before he even realises what he’s done then he’s going to struggle to make the connection. Nappies are what he knows and it’s easy so of course he doesn’t want to change things. Wiping up a puddle and putting pants in the machine is an inconvenience and that’s a good thing! Maybe chocolate doesn’t motivate him but perhaps efficiency will when he learns dashing to the loo is quicker and easier. So if you haven’t tried that yet then when you next try again it’s definitely worth considering.

Honestly though, you sound overwhelmed and he’s getting mixed messages about the potty so I’d definitely take the pressure off, put the potty away for now and come back to it when you’ve decide on a method. Then you tell him no more nappies and give it a full week before you decide it is or isn’t working. September 2024 is ages away, I wouldn’t wait too long but if you and him aren’t in the right frame of mind right now then you can definitely leave it a little bit!