To be worried DS will start school without being potty trained

[Doitproperly]

I’m becoming concerned for September.

DS just isn’t interested in potty training. He won’t tell you if he needs a wee or poo (not even sure if he knows) and refuses to sit on the potty. Feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. Not sure if anyone’s got any tips?

@IsThereABarUpThere - well, what do you want? Me to say ‘yes! Chocolate buttons- never thought of that’?

If people have new helpful ideas- which I have responded to - great. But I agree it’s pointless to keep insisting a method that works well for others works for everyone.

@TheLoveIsReal i see. Well, again it’s different children, surely? DS couldn’t reliably pull his trousers up until he was 2 and a half and there were all sorts of reasons that wasn’t a good time.

It is a shame the supportive posts are being drowned out by the ones wanting a row , which definitely isn’t what I want!

@InTheRainOnATrain i think saying nappies are for babies is quite shaming. But we can agree to disagree, I just personally don’t feel comfortable with that.

Op please don't beat yourself up over this, my ASD son was the same. So was my nephew. In fact my DS TODAY refused to potty train but also suddenly about age 3 hated the feeling of poo on his skin. So he used squat, poo in his pull-ups, then undo the nappy and put the poo in the bin 🤮. Then pull his pull-ups back up. Me and my sister would be wandering round the house looking for where the smell originated and kept finding random poos in the bins. We thought we had a poo ghost and nicknamed him The Random Bin Shitter.

What helped for us was taking the nappy/pull-ups off and only offering it to him every hour, then increasing it to 2 then 3 hours. He would hold everything in between and this helped him to learn to identify the feelings much better. He would go in the nappy and then wait another 3 hours. He was totally dry at night at this point too. Then all of a sudden when he was about 3 3/4 he saw his cousins frog urinal, that had a spinning wheel in it. He loved it and went for a wee. But we didn't praise him or even acknowledge it other than a hug. Then we got stickers for inside the toilet, like targets. We allowed him to "water the plants" in the garden. Anything to remove the fear. And he was totally dry for school but still pood in a nappy in the morning or at night. One day I left the nappy open on the potty and didn't say anything. About 10 days later he sat on the potty and pood in the nappy while I was in the kitchen and not watching.

My DS didn't train until he was 4, 8 weeks before starting school.

No bribe of anything worked, sitting him on toilet every 20 mins just pissed him off.
He would hold his wee and poo in if I took his nappy off.

He also knew what the toilet was for but just had zero interest.

Op, I took the pressure off, told myself when he's ready he'll do it, and he did. Literally on his own, took himself to the toilet and wee'd. And from that second we haven't had one accident at all.

You know your son best, do as you are.

I would give it a break for a bit, I would also consider putting pants under his nappy when you restart, the damp feeling may encourage him

He wouldn’t have needed to be able to pull up his own trousers

Plenty of children potty train before they’re capable of that, it’s not necessary at all. You just do it for them and teach them how and they learn as they go along.

You may have “plenty of reasons for why it wasn’t a good time” but the reality is you put it off and have missed your golden window. There is no perfect time. Now as a result of that you’re struggling.

I actually listed loads of things to try rather than a chocolate button but you do you😂

the reality is you put it off and have missed your golden window

Huh, @TheLoveIsReal?

Are you seriously saying there’s a “golden window” for all children, and if you miss it, they are incapable of toilet training?

Give over.

I mean, if you enjoy feeling superior and shaming mothers who are struggling, you do you, but please stop pretending that there’s a universal approach that works for all kids.

I see… I think posters were trying to suggest ways he might be motivated since chocolate buttons very clearly don’t do it!!

Wanting to wear ‘big boy pants’ and not ‘baby nappies’ might do it for some kids and it is true that big kids don’t wear nappies and babies do. And there’s always going to be some level of shame involved- if you pooed yourself I expect you’d be embarrassed, it’s normal that a sense of shame develops. But obviously you don’t have to say that if you don’t think it’s right for him! Mummy has run out of nappies so you’re going to wear pants and use the potty like your friend Sam also works. Or my DD was quite into character pants and keeping Elsa clean and dry was a big thing for her. I don’t think it matters what you do so much as just pick a way, when you’re ready, and stick to it clearly and consistently.

If he doesn't care about chocolate buttons, you find what he does care about, and that's what you use as a bribe.

It might be screen time, it might be a favourite character - whatever gets him excited and engaged.

You don't give him a choice to refuse to toilet train. Of course he doesn't want to. Its boring, it interrupts play, its easier to just go without thinking in a nappy. There's a reason lots of experts recommend doing this around age 2 and not later - its because children between about 2.5 & 4 get very very stubborn and resistant to change and this can make it a lot harder to toilet train.

The choices you give to give him some control are things like:

• choosing some pants
• a choice of potty or loo
• choosing a reward, would he like a sweet or a sticker etc

It is really difficult but you have to make not using the loo more annoying than using it. Which means no nappies, having to stop playing and go get cleaned up and changed if you wee/poo in your pants.

@Doitproperly my DD is an august baby, she’s just started school but wasn’t potty trained until October last year. DS was 3 in the March and didn’t grasp it until the July…: it will come in time. dS came home from nursey one day and said I want to wear pants this was after months of trying every thing under the sun.
it will come , I promise

And agreed re the trousers.

Toilet training means using the toilet and not wearing nappies any more.

It doesnt mean never having any adult support in the process ever again. Its perfectly fine if they're still being reminded, or taken to the loo before car journeys, or being helped with clothes l, having help to wipe properly. They don't have to be able to hold for endless amounts of time or tell you with half an hour or warning before they'll need to go.

I didn’t say they were incapable No need to make stuff up 😂

There is a golden window yes, between 20-30 months. Before that they are too young to fully understand and after that they are too stubborn and strong willed.

So yes, if you leave it too long you are going to struggle, exactly like OP is doing. Even more so if you have a casual approach.

I had trouble with 1 (of 4) of my DSs. Started at 3 at the same time as his twin, who was fine. He just freaked out, hated it, refused to do it, this was after all the 'prep' months of sitting on potty at bathtime etc. After about a week we just stopped altogether. Didn't mention it. Backed absolutely right off 100% and tried again in about 6 months - he wasn't particularly showing any other signs we just thought we'd give it another go and he got it. So based on my experience I would back off completely for a bit, no more comments, questions, trying etc and hopefully that will reset whatever mental block he has going on. And then try again, playing it really cool and casual. Something will work for him, try not to worry too much (I worried massively). Really try and avoid it being a battle of wills. Good luck.

Just turned three isn't too much to worry about. DD2 was dreadful at this age. She wasn't reliably toilet trained till nearly 4 and even then still quite a few accidents. She was in pull ups at night till 6and then still had lots of bed wetting incidents.

I seem to remember she got to a certain age where she noticed that lots of her childminder and preschool friends used the toilet and were in "big girl knickers" so that was an incentive for her and the staff really helped with it.

As others have said- 11 months is a long time! He might surprise you one day and just suddenly get it. If he is feeling your stress that might be putting him off. Good luck!

Honestly, I’m not here wanting to argue and the last thing I want is for people to write long, long posts with step by step instructions which aren’t helpful. That’s not to say that they might not help others I suppose but in our particular case not helpful.

I definitely don’t think he’d have understood or complied six months ago and even if he had we didn’t do a bit pointless having that argument!

It has been helpful knowing we aren’t the only ones and that we aren’t doomed for a lifetime of nappies.

@TheLoveIsReal thats quite funny though as all his friends trained outside that window with no problems! I guess it shows different children are different. Imagine!

Apologies for my long, step by step post. I thought that was exactly what you were looking for. I hope you find something that works.

Your Op literally asked for tips.
Have you actually tried a sustained period without nappies?

The thread has moved on, though. I don’t know why people are getting annoyed - I thought people were getting annoyed with me rejecting advice (I’m not, just that most of it has been tried already) but apparently explaining this is still wrong!

I trained 3 kids at ages 28 months, 20 months and 24 months.
For each, I just took nappies away. The first and last had loads of accidents but got it within 2 weeks, having the odd accident every now and again for around 6 months. Much preferable to changing nappies. The middle one never had an accident.
I never used any bribes.

My DD is 3 yrs 8 months and very similar. No interest in potty training at all. Completely resistant to reward charts. Got all the books, read them with her, nothing. All her nursery friends are out of nappies but peer pressure doesn't seem to affect her. Next step GP I think.

My son is also EXTREMELY stubborn and was also a similar age (almost 3) when trained. Like you I was also super stressed about it as he started government preschool, was the only one in nappies and I was basically given an ultimatum.

Meanwhile my DS never showed the remotest bit of interest in potty, books, rewards, praise etc, but I had to bite the bullet for preschool. One thing that did help him and was less pressured than the toilet was peeing outdoors - pee on a rock, pee on a plant etc. He still only pees standing up (in the toilet with a step stool). Other than that, I just went for it one day, put underpants on him, tried my best to hide my stress and act disinterested, at every accident I just reminded him that peepee goes in the toilet, and he got a small praise (good job!) if he went on the toilet. No rewards, but that week we did (with no reference to toilet training) a couple of "big boy" things - first meal in a sit-down restaurant, a new "big boy" toy. No returning to nappies even when he asked. It worked way better than I had anticipated - really after 2-3 days he was pretty much trained.

I recommend taking a month out if you just had a failed attempt, but then do try again as it's horrible training with a deadline.

We have one of those. He is getting better but it's taking ages. We have to insist on regular toilet trips and it's exhausting.
First born was much easier so it's not us.

Oh OP its so stressful isn't it!

We paused ours because he just wasn't ready. Then when we tried again we explained that the binmen have taken his nappies and watched lots of potty cartoons on youtube.

He loved Go Jetters so I bought a potty training sticker chart of them from Etsy for £1. Explained that when he has a pee every day, at the end of the week he gets a prize.

I bought a fancy cup for him (peppa pig) and kept it filled with lovely juices and squashes and made sure he drank a lot (more opportunity to put him on potty)

Put his pants on, he wont like feeling wet.

we even just got him to sit on the potty fully clothed, every time he sat on it he would have a treat.

We were lucky in that it only too us about a week to crack it.