To be worried DS will start school without being potty trained

[Doitproperly]

I’m becoming concerned for September.

DS just isn’t interested in potty training. He won’t tell you if he needs a wee or poo (not even sure if he knows) and refuses to sit on the potty. Feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. Not sure if anyone’s got any tips?

Not read the other replies so sorry if repeated info!

I work in education. It’s illegal to refuse a child for not being toilet trained. We HAVE to change them. Some schools say otherwise - they are not allowed! But we will be taking steps to support toilet training with the parent/carers. Look at info on the ERIC website.

So many still in nappies in pre school, 3/4 year olds, some still in reception 4/5 year olds. But peers may comment. So it’s not massively unusual tbh. Especially children in school with Sen. And children have accidents to just pack spare clothes.

But you do need to stick to it when you start. Nappies are an issue as they are now so well designed children don’t feel when they’ve been. If going to school it will mostly be the toilet with the little seats and a step. We start by changing in the toilet. Change in here only where possible. Get them to pull everything down and sit on the toilet, change from here. Particularly first thing on a morning, 20/30 mins after main food, drinks etc. lots of positive praise. Have toilet toys, only for the toilet. Or read. Find what works, sticker chart, choosing their own new pa to etc. Get them used to the toilet. Remove nappies. They might need to feel the sensation to realise.

I asked this exact question during a primary school open day last week. The head teacher was very reassuring and said they have a few children in Reception class who are still in nappies, some with SEN but some without.

Our 3.5 year old is partially potty trained. Attempt at the start of summer was disastrous and our child was extremely distressed and was withholding for such a long time that we were worried about a UTI developing. So we backed right off.

A couple of weeks later, our child suddenly said they wanted to use the potty! We didn't push it but tried again a few weeks later and they were in pants after a couple of days with only a couple of accidents since then. Slight regression since starting nursery. Our child is extremely stubborn and has unbelievable bladder control so can hold on for 6 hours!

They still poo in their nappy at nap time though. And night dryness depends on when their brain reliably produces enough anti-diuretic hormone, so not in anyone's control. So I'm not worried about their continuing to wear night nappies for a long while yet.

Don't feel bad. All you can do is try and if it doesn't work, back off for a month or two to give them more time to develop, then try again, and repeat as necessary. The Princess Polly/Pirate Pete book worked well and lots of stickers.

Good luck! And remember there's nearly a year before they start school next September and a lot can happen in a year at that age.

No, lovey, I potty trained them but that was when we didn't have the never ending convenience of disposable nappies, being potty trained was a relief for all!

As for 'judgey' I gather the only opinions which are judged, er, non-judgey are those which fit the MN mantra. C'est la vie.

This is interesting.. our nursery suggested we go for it as mine had been asking to go etc.

So at home I'm trying to encourage regularly to sit but they don't seem to do this and instead she has multiple "accidents " a day. I don't think they ever ask her despite me telling them this. Result: 4 changes of clothes yesterday alone and binned pants ( not spending a 2nd evening scraping shit off them!)

This weekend I'll need to have a proper run at it again. It's been absolutely exhausting this week and it's not even half way through. ( also now awake thanks to my snoring husband and worrying about it! )

OP - how are you getting on?

@Doitproperly Seriously, don’t worry about it. DS2 wasn’t reliably potty trained for wees until around 3.6. At 4.2 he’s only just now starting to use the potty/toilet reliably for poos and still has accidents. He’s a September baby so also doesn’t start school until next year.

interested to know how pp’s suggest grabbing the child and sitting them on the potty when they start weeing, if said child goes rigid and refuses to sit?

We also panicked and tried to force the issue. All it’s done is made DS hold his poos in for up to 11 days at a time so that now he needs daily meds to help him go.

DS1 was a different kettle of fish and was completely done within 2 days just after turning 3, so I suspect some of the ‘advice’ from pp’s is from parents of children like him. I’d have probably given the same advice if I hadn’t gone through the ringer with DS2 to be fair.

Just keep encouraging but don’t over-focus on it or it can become a massive issue. He will get there in his own time, I promise. You’re doing great 💐

I didn't know DC could start school in a nappy. It wouldn't be fair to expect teachers or TA to change nappies. Sit DC on the potty 5-10 mins after he eats. Give him a book and read him a story. If he wees give him a Smarty. If he poos Give him a Freddy Frog choc bar if he poos. I used to clap my hands and do a little cheer if DC went on the potty.

Hello. Friendly response here. I left training with my son til he was 3 and half so would have been about October and he started school the following September. He showed no signs of being ready but we went for it!

I used the methods in the oh crap book which is basically stay in the house bare bum for about 4 days. Potty went in each room we played in and set a timer on alexis to ring every 30 mins to get him to sit down.

What really worked though was a reward chart. As he was older he understood what that was

We had the same worry - my son was just not interested. He would sit there and poo or wee himself, and then just sit in it, utterly unconcerned. If you asked him about it, he would deny it. Nothing the books or general advice said applied to him. We had used washable nappies, and kids are supposed to hate the feeling of being wet or soiled - nope. He didn't care one bit. And rewards do not work with him. At all. Never have (tbf, he is now waiting an assessment for autism).

Anyhow, we got there in the end, but I think it took pretty much until the summer before school started. What never helps is that there was a lack of consistency between home and pre-school - if he had an accident at pre-school, they would simply put a nappy on him afterwards. So, not. much advice here - just a little solidarity!

OP apologies not RTFT but read all yours, what month was he born? If he is summer born and will only just be 4 when he starts I really think you have plenty of time.

@AnneofRedGables i think you’re right, you can see lots of advice and it starts with ‘just.’ There isn’t any ‘just’ about it.

I think I have given up, obviously for now anyway!

Can his preschool help at all? Have you spoken to them about it?
My DD wasn't particularly interested in using the potty/toilet until she saw her peers doing it at preschool. Poos still took a while but we got there eventually!

He’s been watching them a while, just doesn’t seem to want to. Just now I changed his nappy and a pull up so standing up. A couple of drops of urine came from him (sorry) so I said do you want a wee? Sit on the toilet. He refused, just kept shouting ‘nappy.’ I’m fairly confident he COULD use the toilet / potty without an issue but just doesn’t want to: whether that’s me or something else not sure. I’ve put the potty away. Sick of the sight of it tbh!

I remember having same concerns before DD started Nursery school. I kept trying and she did show interest in the potty but would not do anything in it, she would sit on it then get up and wee on the floor.. I gave up after a day. Tried again same happened. Then tried a third time a month later and she nailed it.. was so easy.. no accidents, never had one at nursery either. I really do think they do it when ready. You have time try not to worry just try again every couple of weeks until he's ready. I do remember the worry about starting school in nappies though, even thought about keeping DD in private nursery until reception but was fine in the end. Is DS summer born too?

I’ve probably been stressing unnecessarily because of friends all having been potty trained for months. But he just refuses!

This is what happens when people leave it too late because they want their child to be “ready”.

Ready is a misnomer. This is a skill that can be taught (best age between 20-30 months, before that is too young to fully understand and after that is too late as they have too much stubborn willpower by then) with commitment.

Not a casual approach of “oh we’ll put the potty out and see but he isn’t telling me”. Well of course not because you need to teach him how to make the connection

@flagwaver what a nasty fucking thing to say, OP is clearly trying.. it’s very common for a lot of children to have toilet issues within the first couple of years of starting school my SIL is a teacher and says every child does things differently if one is slightly behind with toileting the school help encourage and can offer help through family link support workers.

don’t come on here to insult someone it’s disgusting.

@Doitproperly I’m pleased to hear you sounding more relaxed! In years to come it really won’t matter how many months later than ‘everyone else’ he cracked it. One thing I would say re: the potty though - we did leave it out and visible so that, when the time was right for him, DS made the decision to go and use it. It was at this point we introduced the rewards/stickers - before that and he had no interest. So you may want to leave the potty out but just not force the issue!

Ignore posters like @TheLoveIsReal - you know your son best and there’s no point making him ill, like I did with mine, and stressing yourself out about it, just for the sake of keeping up with the Joneses.

He will get there, and all will be well x

How old is he? Many take until 3, it would be more unusual at 4.

My son got to 3 and I did worry. Gave up for a few weeks as we had visitors and it was wet so couldn't face stripping full waterproofs while out.

Started again in a few weeks and it just clicked. I did buy him a bigger, sturdier potty (it was a Thomas tank one more like a little seat). Might be worth taking a break and then just stripping him off and letting him sit on one to watch telly, no pressure, not too many mentions of 'potty'. Call it your special seat or something to break the association.

Less fuss, less praise just a more simple that's good'. Or buy something he likes (it's a good time for advent calendars with little toys or chocolates even if you don't use it to count the days). If he does something just say 'we can open a door now' in a more matter of fact tone.

My son hates attention (still does at 10). He didn't respond to the fuss and praise - like you have found it did the opposite. Didn't like the shaped potty. But once he got it then it was quick and he moved to toilet easily.

Don't give up but have a few weeks to reset.

@TheLoveIsReal i doubt it, but anyway. @CrazyHedgehogLover im fairly sure that was a troll response. If I wasn’t worried about it and didn’t care I wouldn’t be posting.

@AnneofRedGables i don’t know … having it out seems to be applying pressure (to both of us.) Also, I keep falling over it! 😂

I do appreciate people are trying to help with offering praise and bribes but these really don’t work with him unless it’s a real immediate one, so he will accept a chocolate if he takes his medicine. But sitting on the toilet for ages until he has a wee doesn’t work. Not sure if he’s nervous or something? I don’t think so but hard to tell. Either way, it’s not happening at the moment so best left.

You need to find what drives him, which isn't easy. My DD was relatively easy to train ONLY because she loves sweets, stickers & praise. I made a sticker chart for her & set a timer so every 30mins she had to sit on the potty/toilet for 1minute (timed) Even if she didn't do anything she got a sticker for her chart. Every 5 stickers got her a haribo sweet even if she hadn't managed to pass urine. As soon as she heard the timer she knew it was time & happily went. I think as there was no expectation for her to pee &, she knew she wouldn't be sitting for long she was happy to do it. Inevitably a few times she would pass urine & then she got 5 stickers & a sweetie. It worked like a dream & she trained in one day I think she recognised the sensation when it happened on the potty 'by chance' . Does your DS like sweets, stickers, screentime? Whatever he likes use it to your advantage. I'm not saying my way will work and it does depend on the understanding of the child but a few friends have used it to help their own kids so just sharing incase it's helpful to you.

@Doitproperly Is there a reason you're reluctant to share his approximate age? You say all his friends have been trained for months, which makes me think he's closer to 3 than 4? If that's the case then have a break and try again in a few months. If he's closer to 4 then I really would try and take away the nappies. Yes there will be accidents, but that's part of the learning process.

Just turned 3, yeah, so I have been stressing over nothing. (I didn’t do so intentionally, just. Ulti tasking!)

It’s the refusal to train more than his age that worried me, as he could, just won’t!

Also having read your update - maybe a minute would be too long for him so I would cut it to 30 seconds of sitting on the potty, timer goes off, sticker/chocolate then off to play for another 30mins. It's more the actual sitting down, pants down etc you're trying to get them used to initially. (In my case) there's no way my DD would have sat on the potty for ages either.