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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried DS will start school without being potty trained

258 replies

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 12:54

I’m becoming concerned for September.

DS just isn’t interested in potty training. He won’t tell you if he needs a wee or poo (not even sure if he knows) and refuses to sit on the potty. Feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. Not sure if anyone’s got any tips?

OP posts:
Whinge · 24/10/2023 13:20

a) I need a wee/poo

b) putting on toilet/potty and getting them to wee or poo

Very few children begin toilet training doing both of those things. That's part of the process, and comes with time and practice.

bathrobeandpie · 24/10/2023 13:20

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:17

@bathrobeandpie we’ve tried. We’re all sick of the potty now I think!

Take a break and leave it for now.

Read about the different methods, check the "oh crap" training book the poster was talking about, and relax.

You have nearly a year, that's a lot of time before school.

Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:21

Yes but @Whinge it is a process. I feel like I’m not explaining very well sorry.

OP posts:
Orchidflower1 · 24/10/2023 13:21

Do you have any other concerns @Doitproperly how is his communication.

Yokaiwatch · 24/10/2023 13:21

Have you ever left him with no bottoms off and the potty available and just let him run about the house? Of course there will be accidents but sometimes a visual clue like seeing the potty might help him?

Dont worry though there’s lots of time for him to get it, one day it might just click with him and he will be peeing away in the potty.

Whatever you do don’t put any pressure on him or it might backfire a bit. Just gentle encouragement, he’s still little.

Also, put potty in front of tv so he sits on it and watches it and might just happen to pre while he is there, then lots of praise.

SaracensMavericks · 24/10/2023 13:21

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:18

So we’ve got one of those potties that is like a toilet plus a toilet seat. Problem is potty training seems to rely on

a) I need a wee/poo

b) putting on toilet/potty and getting them to wee or poo

neither of which work

so how do I do it 😭

The other way is lots of reminding and lots of praise when they successfully go. And bribery. Honestly this is the only area of parenting when I used chocolate bribery!

Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:21

Seems OK but hard to say really.

OP posts:
bathrobeandpie · 24/10/2023 13:23

Remember, once they are potty trained, you spend your whole life asking if they need the loo, taking them to the loo before you go, when you arrive, in the middle of the activity, carrying a travel potty everywhere. 😂

Enjoy you very last weeks of freedom instead of getting upset and stressed.

Fivebyfive2 · 24/10/2023 13:23

If he's showing no interest and starting school in September I don't think you can just wait for him to be interested really. Like previous posters have said, look up some methods, pick a window of time and have a go. Stickers, chocolate buttons, character underwear and then reading or playing eye spye whilst on the loo all helped with my D's. Loads of praise for when he does use the toilet, no shame or frustration around accidents. Get him involved, potty training books aimed at kids, choosing the underwear.

Good luck op! Xx

FunkyFangtooth · 24/10/2023 13:23

I am in the same position and it's horrible. My DS was 3 in July, school next September and we have had no luck whatsoever. And I worry that people will just think I'm lazy. Fortunately his nursery are lovely and reassuring and keep saying he'll get there when he's ready, but I am still so worried about school next year.

He seems seriously distressed about the potty and or toilet. We tried taking nappies away for two days and he was really upset to the point of shaking, didn't poo for two days, didn't wee for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't just stubborn-toddlerness he definitely was really distressed.

We have tried bribery (and usually I could get him to do anything for a chocolate button) and we took 6 weeks where we just didn't mention it to give him a break before we tried again. Don't know what else to try. There are no other obvious signs on additional needs, although I think at 3 it is very hard to rule them out.

So I don't have any advice but I totally get it, and I understand 100% that it is not you being lazy.

Chestnut5 · 24/10/2023 13:23

When is his birthday ? If he is summer born he could start school from the following September after he has turned 5 if this is something that you'd want to consider.

Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:23

Bribery hasn’t worked. Praise actually seemed to have the opposite effect as far as I can see. When he did a wee (once!) I praised him loads but then he refused to sit on it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:24

@FunkyFangtooth i hope things improve. DS just pees in his pants and doesn’t seem fussed.

OP posts:
Natsku · 24/10/2023 13:24

Have you read potty books with him? I used Once Upon A Potty with DS and I think it helped him get interested in trying the potty. Neither of my children potty trained before 3.5 (DD was scared of the potty until then and DS just wasn't interested) and at that point they were both ready, and could hold wee for longer so potty training wasn't constant putting them on the potty which made it less stressful. DD needed a bribe of ice cream to get over the first hurdle but once they do that first wee on the potty and get lots of attention and praise, they tend to get more keen on it!

x2boys · 24/10/2023 13:25

How old is he and will.he be starting nursery or reception?
My oldest is nearly 17 now but I remember trying to train him.from two.he got the idea of a potty and would wee on it but as soon as I put him in underwear he would wet them ,it just clicked when he wss three years and two months about six months before he started school. nursery
Ds2_was a whole different ball.game but he has complex disabilities.

PerfectMatch · 24/10/2023 13:25

I think you just have to go for it OP. When I started with DS he hardly had any successes at all for the first week. But I didn't give up and it suddenly clicked after 8 days.

Natsku · 24/10/2023 13:26

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:23

Bribery hasn’t worked. Praise actually seemed to have the opposite effect as far as I can see. When he did a wee (once!) I praised him loads but then he refused to sit on it again.

A contrary type eh?! Maybe need the complete opposite approach then, just leave the potty out and ignore it, let him come to the toilet with you and see you use the toilet but otherwise don't mention it. Maybe he'll wonder what he's missing out on.

tantrummingterrors · 24/10/2023 13:28

I think it’s easier to recognise when they’re doing a poo than a wee. In that instance have you tried encouraging home on the toilet/potty with a bribe of watching cartoons on a tablet and as others have said a chocolate button for trying (even if it doesn’t happen). Just lots of praise and attention on the toilet/potty. ‘Well done you sitting on the potty, shall we call Daddy/Granny and tell them’ etc…….
and maybe just a bit of a routine of it - first thing in the morning on the potty etc. before bath and before bed.

Even though mine showed signs of wanting to toilet train (taking nappies off etc) it was still a messy week/few days being home bound and took a LOT longer to crack number twos (like a year - think this is very common though). Pull ups were a great in between for a few weeks when out and about in case of accidents.

edit - having just read your post about praise I’m guessing my first paragraph isn’t helpful. Sorry 😬

Raisinganiguana · 24/10/2023 13:28

You haven’t said how old he is.

perhaps a visit to doctor, it’s unusual for a 4yr old to wet themselves and not care

SilentBobby · 24/10/2023 13:28

Talking talking as well. For my son from communication (not all talk) we were able to work out.
*Scared of poo
*Scared of falling down toilet
*Scared of sensation of wee on legs.
*Likes heavy feeling of nappy
*Only likes certain potty styles. Scared of others based one design, height, ability to hover etc.

But for the moment have a break. If you are stressed about it it does set things back (has for us at times)

Paperbagsaremine · 24/10/2023 13:29

Someone I know was still in nappies when he went to Kindergarten, and their normal rule was that kids had to be toilet trained. But a compromise was reached - he changed his own nappies. Pull-ups, I think.
Oddly enough he became a loo user quite quickly.
But ofc there may be something else going on with your child...

Magicfairycake · 24/10/2023 13:30

I'm confused why the OP won't answer how old the child is.

Can't believe a PP is suggesting deferring school for a year if not potty trained for a summer born. If that isn't a sign that waiting until their ready isn't the holy grail I don't know what is. Good grief.

So we’ve got one of those potties that is like a toilet plus a toilet seat. Problem is potty training seems to rely on

a) I need a wee/poo

b) putting on toilet/potty and getting them to wee or poo

neither of which work

so how do I do it 😭

c) bare bum. Wait until they start going, then put them on the potty/loo. However, I don't know if this works with an older child.

Fivebyfive2 · 24/10/2023 13:31

@Doitproperly if he's naked from the waist down you will probably start noticing his "tells" for when he needs to go even if he can't/won't tell you. Fidgeting, crotch grabbing, bum scratching (I know it's all so lovely isn't it?!) You can also start to gauge how long he usually goes between wees after a little bit. Lots of reminders, prompting, don't interrupt what he's doing completely but like "it looks like you need a wee, so one more car race then Potty/toilet" etc. Have a few quiet days at home to work on it.

CatamaranViper · 24/10/2023 13:33

Have a look at the oh crap potty training book.

We basically booked a week off work and just went with no nappy. Potty in the room, sticker chart, no nappy, we did use a pair of underwear so he would get used to the feeling of being wet, and had a special toy he could see in the room that he would get at the end of the week if he did well.

Nailed wees in the first day or so, poos took a bit longer!

cestlavielife · 24/10/2023 13:33

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:11

I don’t know how to teach him. I have no idea what to do now.

Ask your health visitor for some info
Buy some books
Look online for potty training tips
Ask your friends or a lical childminder for advice
Dont be passive about it you have to put the effort in

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