To be worried DS will start school without being potty trained

[Doitproperly]

I’m becoming concerned for September.

DS just isn’t interested in potty training. He won’t tell you if he needs a wee or poo (not even sure if he knows) and refuses to sit on the potty. Feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. Not sure if anyone’s got any tips?

Talk to your GP/HV, some kids are late, but yes it’s later than average.

You’ve got nearly a year before school. You need to talk what you’ve tried / not tried through with someone. And do some proper reading and research.

I’m pretty sure you’ll be sorted by September, but if he’s a real late one, you want to be able to tell the school you are working with the HV on it, so you don’t piss them off - they will be well aware some kids have real issues.

How is he with praise generally? My younger son really disliked it when little - it built up the pressure of expectation too much and made him anxious.

Also, how is he verbally? Can he understand about the loo, or verbalise what's bothering him?

One final question. What happens when he has an accident? Does he notice? Does he care? Is he ashamed?

@Doitproperly Tell us his exact age please. It really does matter. If you won't, i'll assume this is a wind-up and be reporting it as not genuine.

How old is he?

My son would still have been 3 at this point and was only 4 in the August before starting school.

I would also leave it till warmer weather now. Let him have accidents and then he will realise what is happening and can associate the feeling.

Also, of course school will change your son if he is wet. We have had plenty of children over the years who aren’t always reliably trained when they start school

Why aren’t you answering how old he is?

Are there other developmental issues? With him? Or you?

Half term where I am 🥴

Ah - plenty of others his age. As opposed to all. So he’s basically a toddler. 🙄

Ignore the idiotic comments OP.

Have a break from trying for a couple of months.

I was in the same situation with my son at a similar age / time. I was worried. Especially after my daughter toilet trained very early.
We had a break from trying as he was getting so upset by it all.
A couple of months later he just clicked and he's doing really well now with no accidents.

Ds wasn't fully potty trained age 4 but he was by the time he started school.

Buttons were the best thing ever for potty training. Do a wee or poo in the right place and you get a button.

The only issue was DS learn to game the system and control his bladder so much he was going for a wee four times in a hour so he could get more buttons...

Fwiw, DS never ever had an accident.

Wow ignore some of these harsh posters! If he doesn’t manage it in time reception will have to change his nappy.

we are going through the same thing though ds has hypotonia so it’s harder. What we are doing fwiw every weekend (as he is in nursery mon to third)-

• potty every half an hour
• if he sits on the potty he can watch tv for three minutes. Not great but what can you do
• if he does a wee he gets a chocolate button
• ply him with juice milk and water

we’re not there yet but getting better, eg now he fidgets when he needs a wee and goes off to do it in private when he’s in a nappy. I honestly think if we just leave it till he’s ‘ready’ it will take years.

poo I am less worried about as if they learn to hold it in they can have long term problems with constipation. And if he starts school not poo trained he will hold it in and let rip when he gets home I think.

have just bought the frong urinal though so thanks for that tip!

I'd read in a book (think it was Gina ford) to put the child on the potty every thirty minutes or so if they need to or not and then just let them sit there for a while with a book or to watch tv playing with them. Then when they do a wee by chance you can make a big deal out of it, praise them, etc.

I first thought that method is stupid (especially as I'm quite biased against Gina ford anyway) and told DD to sit on the potty when she thought she might need it. We'd read a few picture books about potty training by then as well. Anyway, my method didn't work at all and after a week I was pretty much ready to give up. Then I tried the method above (sitting the child at regular intervals on the potty) and she got it within a couple of days.

Apologies if you've already tried it.

The other thing that helped was taking DD with me into the toilet a few times and basically showing her what I'm doing. With ds I've asked dh to do that (he's not keen...).

OP, please don't feel like it is your fault.
I have 4DC and the oldest 2, just potty trained, text book, no issues, number 3 was as you say not interested at all. A few tips I've picked up over the summer whilst potty training:

• take a few weeks off, start fresh when everyone is ready
• school holidays / long weekend is a good time to train as you need a few days to commit to staying home
• set a recurring alarm for every 15 mins, put the child on the toilet / potty at that time, no matter if they go or not, just get them used to sitting on there
• try saying 'wee-wee' or similar every time you sit them on the potty / toilet, it helps them identify that with going to the toilet
• if they have accidents, don't make a fuss, just a breezy 'it's ok, accidents happen' or 'don't worry, we will try again' even when you want to cry because you are sick of clearly up wee's! Just stay calm and unbothered on the outside
• buy more pants than you think you will ever need! 😂

and honestly so many of us have been where you are, my dc is not dry at night, will only poop in a nappy still, but they have the wee's down and we have no accidents. It's one day at a time, keep your head up, your child will get there in the end.

My DIL and i pretty much did this with each of the DGCs. I bought them ‘grown up’ pants as an incentive and it worked very well alongside a star chart.
it took a few days but was pretty much stress free.

How old is he?

You have plenty of time to get him potty trained before he starts school. I have two children and they were both ready for potty training at completely different ages (almost a year different in age) so don't compare your dc to anyone else's. If you have been trying to potty train for weeks without success then I would say he really isn't ready and you need to give him more time. Maybe give him a month or so and then revisit it. I did this with my youngest who was reluctant to even look at a potty let alone sit on one, and when he was ready it was an almost instantaneous result, done and dusted in less then two days.

The ability to say they need a wee / poo in my experience came AFTER being potty trained, not before. They don't need to be able to tell you that to begin potty training.

The indicators I looked for to begin potty training were going to hide to do a poo, having good understanding of language and having periods of time in the day with a dry nappy (which indicates that they have some bladder control).

I took 4 days off work when DD was a few months before her third birthday, and we just had her naked from the waist down and I watched her like a hawk and as soon as she started to wee I scooped the potty underneath her and she then began to link the feeling that having a wee and being on the potty went together. She didn't know that beforehand - it was something she had to experience to be able to learn it. The first day there were a few accidents, but the second or third day she was going to the potty herself for wees. She was dry by I think 3 or 4 days in.

Poos took a bit longer, a couple of weeks perhaps. Took a similar approach with poos. After mealtimes we went outside in the yard with no pants on and I put the potty out of sight around the corner from where we were sitting (so she could have privacy). Then when she had that look on her face like "I'm going to run off and poo" I said "in the potty! In the potty!" and pointed at it, and eventually she got the hang of running towards it and I made a big fuss of her and sung a silly congratulations song every time she got it right.

It never worked if I just asked her: "Do you need a wee or a poo?" / "Do you want to sit on the potty?" because she would just say no because quite rightly she didn't know what that meant to her. She had to learn it by doing it and feeling it in her body.

I would start by reading lots of books about toilets, potty training, wee and poo. We loved ‘poo poo bum bum wee wee’, ‘no more nappies’ and a book about what poo was.

then I bought the Big Little Feelings potty training course - takes about 1-2 hours to watch. There’s no forced sitting on the potty, but they tell you what to say and do. There’s no stickers, sweets or bribery. But you do have to commit 3-5 days to staying at home and watching your kid like a hawk. They start off naked and the second they start peeing you pick them up or bring the potty to them. You keep repeating this to teach them that we and poo goes in the potty not on the floor or in a nappy.

you then ask them to listen to their body, and when their tummy tells them it’s time, to go sit on the potty.

im probably not explaining it well but they have a money back guarantee and it’s only $30 and I found it easier to watch than to read something.

consistency is key. Just pick a few days where you don’t need to leave the house and follow through on doing it even if the first few days are tons of accidents. They will crack it.

@Doitproperly

We are in the same boat except our child has started school in nappies. We tried everything and really carefully and consistently (no probs with first child). We're very gentle and positive and followed all the advice to the letter.

About a year ago nursery suggested just completely taking away the nappies which we did for 2 weeks and it was awful and she was so upset. She wouldn't go near a potty or the toilet and just weed and pooed herself the whole time. If we didn't put her in clothes she'd just go on the floor and would scream and fight if we tried to get her near the potty/toilet/bathroom. Eventually we called the dr who said we had to put her back in nappies as it's not ok to let her get that distressed essentially being incontinent and she's been in nappies ever since.

Basically those 2 weeks made it a 100 times worse as ever since she gets upset at even the mention of the word potty or toilet. I felt completely awful that we'd let her get so distressed from the process and would suggest extreme caution about doing that if they won't sit on something. Ours now won't even sit fully clothed, ON OUR LAPS, on the toilet even if bribed and it's become a serious psychological issue. No other SEN. GP won't refer her to the incontinence team until she's 5.

I think ours is an unusual situation and you still have almost a year so try not to stress, fingers crossed. Luckily her school are amazing and really relaxed about the whole thing and they just take her next door to the nursery when she needs changing. Feels like it will never happen but as with everything, we will keep doing our best and do whatever we can.

You just have to decide you’re going to start and get on with it.

-Chuck the nappies, they are no more; get night time pull ups for bed to differentiate

-Plan to stay home for 3 days

-Get him big boy underpants with a character that he likes
(The naked method, from the Oh Crap book is aimed at much younger children aged 20-30 months so I would avoid)

-Push all the fluids, especially those he might not normally get like squash, juice, smoothies, ice lollies

-Take him to the toilet with an insert seat (he’s too old for a little potty) every 30 minutes and do whatever it takes to get him to sit for a few minutes- books, fidget toys, TV on your phone

-A small reward eg smartie for anything produced

-He has to clean up any accidents eg wipe up puddles, pants in the machine etc - don’t be cross with him, just say ‘oh dear’ and make sure it’s more inconvenient than going to the loo, he’ll soon catch on

It’s not rocket science is it ? My daughter was a nightmare with toileting. She was gone 3 so one day I told her I didn’t have any nappies. That was it. She just started going to the bathroom.

Just wanted to say, you're not alone. We've been attempting to potty train my DD for over a year, completely unsuccessfully (she's currently back in pull ups). I'm also starting to panic about how we get this cracked before next September. I know that sounds like ages off to some people but when you've already been trying for over a year it's really stressing me!

Oh, and forgot to mention that we've been to the HV and gp. DD has been referred to the paediatric continence team (just to rule out issues, nothing suspected) but the waiting list is 12 months 😭

OP, my DD was very similar. Just not interested. Went from nappies to using the toilet over the course of a couple of weeks, if that, in the end. Can’t remember her age but know my parents had been saying for quite some time how shocking it was she wasn’t toilet trained (I just kept saying she’d definitely not still be in nappies when she was 18…) — and then it was almost as if someone had just flicked a switch, and she suddenly got it. I’d say don’t worry and it will happen when he’s interested. Though might be sensible to check with HV as another PP has suggested just in case there’s an issue.

Potty training is not really in your control, you can decide to offer the potty and support your child, and they can decide whether to use it. Anyone whose children took to it on cue may well not understand that it's not a personal failing of anyone if their child doesn't take to it.
We had a couple of false starts and our 4 year old is still not nailing it completely, but that's up to him, We're all still doing a great job even if he struggles sometimes (and perhaps judgers are going to judge but that's on them)
The irony of the posters attacking you for being a bad parent!!
In practical tips, a visit to your GP can help reassure you that there's nothing physical wrong, that helped me a lot.
Good luck, it can be stressful.

My eldest was nearly three and half and then he decided he wanted to do it. It was done in a week and he was even dry at night. Some kids just need to be ready.