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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried DS will start school without being potty trained

258 replies

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 12:54

I’m becoming concerned for September.

DS just isn’t interested in potty training. He won’t tell you if he needs a wee or poo (not even sure if he knows) and refuses to sit on the potty. Feeling really embarrassed and like a bit of a failure. Not sure if anyone’s got any tips?

OP posts:
Ribena20 · 24/10/2023 13:51

I also agree that those telling you this is normal aren't doing you any favours. It might not have come as easily to your DS as to others, but you do need to put in some concerted effort now to resolve this.

Nevermind31 · 24/10/2023 13:51

My DC was like this. We were so worried, but they were just not interested and refused to even go to the toilet.
we finally managed to do it over the summer. Really had to hold our nerves, kept offering toilet but didn’t push it.
having said that, DC also have a constipation issue and did have to go onto nappies during first term.
best of luck, it’s very hard

Lillygolightly · 24/10/2023 13:54

Hi @Doitproperly

You have all my sympathy as I worried exactly as you are now not so long ago. I had successfully potty trained my 2 elder DC at ages 2 for DC1 and age 3 for DC2 no problem but DC3 just refused to have anything to do with it, started at age 2, tried again age 3 and it was a flat no. I tried everything I could think I of, bribery with chocolate buttons, sticker chart, videos about potty training, the story book everything. In the end I put the potty away for a few months and didn’t mention it at all.

Then I fell pregnant with twins and the idea of dealing with 3 lots of nappies spurred me back into action. I brought the potty back out and left it in the room for a few days. We didn’t start doing anything with it until DC asked me about it and all we did do was have a little chat about nappies being for babies like the ones in my tummy and that the potty/toilet was for big kids who didn’t need nappies anymore and that when she was ready to be big she could use the potty. Nothing happened for a couple of weeks but we did have lots of little chats about getting big and going to school, being a big girl etc. Then one day when I wasn’t even in the room at the time I came back to find DC excited to show me a wee in the potty, and that was it from then on DC was happy to use the potty and 2 weeks later was using the toilet with the help of a little step. This happened about a month before DC turned 4 and I can’t tell you how relieved I was with school being mere months away. I guess she just did it when she was ready, because before that no amount of bribery or persuasion would work.

Good luck OP.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/10/2023 13:54

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:11

I don’t know how to teach him. I have no idea what to do now.

Look on the Eric website for help.
Speak to your HV for advice.

Get a plan in place for the spring and get it cracked. Please don’t do what 4 (!!) of our current Reception parents have done and not try to toilet train them and not even tell us that they are in nappies on their first day!

ismu · 24/10/2023 13:56

@Yesyoucant you really should be able to see a health visitor, that's shocking!
Occupational therapists can also help with practical issues, for example wiping if children find it hard to reach, and they often help to break down processes into tiny steps so I would suggest OP asking for a referral if this continues.

WillowCraft · 24/10/2023 13:56

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:18

So we’ve got one of those potties that is like a toilet plus a toilet seat. Problem is potty training seems to rely on

a) I need a wee/poo

b) putting on toilet/potty and getting them to wee or poo

neither of which work

so how do I do it 😭

If he's 3 he's too old for making him go every hour. I would explain to.him one day that you have run out of nappies and can't get to the shop until the weekend. Tomorrow he will have to use the potty or toilet. If he uses the potty or toilet he will get a treat. And then do not mention it again. If he wees outside the potty say next time in the toilet please but don't prompt or remind him at all. Either leave him bottomless for a day or clothes but let him choose. You need to give him maximum control, the constant interfering is really off putting for older children.
So remove the nappies and leave the rest up to him. It is nerve racking as you worry about your furniture but if you are hovering round asking him to sit on a potty is not going to help.
He's probably too big for a potty at 3 so I suggest a step stool and let him use the normal toilet

Unwisebutnotillegal · 24/10/2023 13:58

What does nursery say?
my second child was a contrary little fellow and nursery took lead as he would comply if he felt peer pressure. I’d managed to train his sister at 20 months so besides myself with him!

TallulahBetty · 24/10/2023 13:59

How old is he - just 3, or nearly 4?

FWIW, my DD was 4.5 when reliably trained - I had the same worries as you, however there are always going to be kids that train later than others. If the average is 3, there will always be a few kids that are 2 and a few that are 4.

Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 14:00

@Ribena20 yes that’s literally what we e tried, he just doesn’t. Don’t know why.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 24/10/2023 14:02

don't worry, most of us didn't either 😂
We are all winging it trying our best 👌

DS2 wasn't interested wouldn't sit on potty. I decided that he was too big for nappies. 2 nearly 3

Picked Pants, etc etc moved the rug out the way tried both potty and toilet all day reading books, small amounts of pee, everywhere many changes of pants.

DH comes home, I'll put Paw Patrol on if you sit on the potty. Massive wee. Onward and upwards from there. Out of night nappies completely within about 3 weeks.

AInightingale · 24/10/2023 14:06

Are you using pull-ups or is he is in underwear? It sounds mean, but a bit of discomfort might get through to him. Forget about any type of nappy and I wouldn't rush to change his pants straight away.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 24/10/2023 14:06

Hi Op, call the HV or visit the ERIC website for advice on what to do, but what I want to say is that my DS is 7, in year 2 and still has accidents at school and that was fairly regularly in Reception. His school has never made me or him feel crap about it! They know that some don't have it down from September so please don't worry about it. People on MN will make you feel shit about it but in real life the vast majority of people are kind and just want to help. We have also been referred to the school nursing / incontinence team, so have other avenues of support if you are still worried. You are not a bad mum because your child is finding this difficult.

TallulahBetty · 24/10/2023 14:07

OP, PLEASE tell us his exact age. There is a huge difference between just 3 and nearly 4.

Ribena20 · 24/10/2023 14:07

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 14:00

@Ribena20 yes that’s literally what we e tried, he just doesn’t. Don’t know why.

How long have you been trying for? You need at least a week of dedicating yourself to it. No nappies at all. If he is still showing no understanding after that then you maybe need a trip to the GP.

Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 14:08

@ChocolateChipMuffin2016 thanks. But is he having accidents … DS doesn’t even try to use the toilet which worries me, I actually think he has decided not to train and I feel it’s my fault!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 14:09

@Ribena20

2 months.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 24/10/2023 14:09

I would have a few weeks off in between every attempt. One day he will just surprise you. Do you know any slightly older / already toilet trained children you children hang out with and he can watch them being 'a big boy' that might help inspire him.

Another thing we did was that my ds was quite regular with poos after dinner so we made it part of our bathtime routine that he would sit on the toilet until he'd done his poo. I can remember sitting and reading for ages some nights.

Original poster
Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 14:10

I know plenty of toilet trained same age children 😭

OP posts:
Whinge · 24/10/2023 14:11

TallulahBetty · 24/10/2023 14:07

OP, PLEASE tell us his exact age. There is a huge difference between just 3 and nearly 4.

@Doitproperly Is there a reason you won't let posters know how old he is. It really does make a difference

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 24/10/2023 14:12

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 14:08

@ChocolateChipMuffin2016 thanks. But is he having accidents … DS doesn’t even try to use the toilet which worries me, I actually think he has decided not to train and I feel it’s my fault!

I do understand that, but I guess what I am saying is that most people won't judge you harshly, especially if you explain what you have done. Please call the ERIC helpline, they will be able to offer you real practical steps.

Unusualactualname · 24/10/2023 14:12

Doitproperly · 24/10/2023 13:46

Same @bathrobeandpie what’s worrying me is everything people are saying we’ve tried and still got nowhere so not sure what to do really!

There's a wealth of advice and support in previous messages in this thread. How can you say 'not sure what to do'?

AnneValentine · 24/10/2023 14:12

flagwaver · 24/10/2023 13:11

If you don't bother to toilet train him then I hope you'll be available to go into school every day to deal with his nappy, it's not reasonable to expect the staff to do your job.

That is not helpful.

Magicfairycake · 24/10/2023 14:12

I can see where the son gets his stubbornness from with the OP refusing to even engage with posters asking how old he is 😂

Squirrelsbite · 24/10/2023 14:13

The book
poo goes to poo land
when you go to the loo take him and suggest he has a go
ping pong ball in the bowl to aim at to try and sink
as pp^^ bribery with something -choc/a new toy
sticker chart

AnneValentine · 24/10/2023 14:14

Go to your health visitor. Now. Not being potty trained is atypical for school. But there is support to access.

The health visitor will support and also be able to identify if there is an underlying issue that’s preventing him from learning. There are many things that can cause barriers to potty training. But you need to be pro active in accessing support.

also visit the Eric website.