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Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
Bluebirthdaycard · 26/10/2023 11:31

I can understand ops hurt at this because I don't think it's about where someone sits, it's about the pecking order and who seems more important to the son. I've experienced similar at the in-laws 40th anniversary bash which was held at their house. For a sit down meal, there was two tables in the (big) living room and another table in the dining room which was cut off from the living room. Myself and dp were seated in the dining room cut off from everyone and in-laws and their other two (wonderful) children were seated in the living room with them along with other extended members of family. This was back in 2004 and it still hurts when I think of it as it felt like "our other two children and their families are far more important than you". Childish way of thinking, maybe, but still hurtful all the same.

flagwaver · 26/10/2023 12:37

pineapplecrushed · 26/10/2023 00:26

I have

Looks like there are a few incarnations of the foul mouther future DIL on here.

flagwaver · 26/10/2023 12:41

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 10:29

I must admit I might be tempted to tell people what awful language the bride had used if anyone commented on why I had been relegated to the second row

So would I, I would make sure that her verbal abuse was known to the widest circle of acquaintances.

Hmindr68 · 26/10/2023 12:47

If the new MIL was going round a wedding, telling everyone about a single comment, that was apologised for, 3 years ago…
calling it verbal abuse… lol. Just lol.

BobLemon · 26/10/2023 12:51

The seating logistics work how they are though.

You want you best man and you flower girl sitting on the front row. Realistically, if the flower girl is little, you could do with her mum sitting on the front row too. The BM, FG and Flower Girl mum also come with another DC. So 4 seats gone, leaving 2. Convenient for your witness to also be on the front row, and it’s pretty convenient her partner is your dad. Sorted.

If the OP rearranged things, the best man and flower girl will have to walk back to second row.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 12:52

lol the way some people are going on here, they’ll be saying op should be grateful to have even been invited!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/10/2023 13:04

I wonder if OP will ever come back and explain the 'mean to the cat' comment.

Hmindr68 · 26/10/2023 13:07

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/10/2023 13:04

I wonder if OP will ever come back and explain the 'mean to the cat' comment.

I hope she elaborates at the wedding 🤣

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 13:07

@Hmindr68 but it is a term no-one uses anymore as it is so offensive. So if the fiancée used it against the sister in law she probably thinks it applies to other people too. An apology doesn’t really cover the offensiveness of it. And her subsequent actions doesn’t really show her as a nice person either. Not like they are treating them well at the wedding

Crafthead · 26/10/2023 13:28

Depends if the sister in law likes to be discussed and is ok with sharing her medical diagnoses publicly, if she in fact is diagnosed with cerebral palsy as well as autism. Not everyone with autism likes to be "out" about it, as trendy as it is to be neurodiverse, just like not everyone with mental health differences likes to talk about it or everyone with physical health conditions wants the world to know.

toomuchfaff · 26/10/2023 13:31

Ultimately they can place anyone wherever however I'd hone in on particular people; take away the focus you have on the dads new gf. The best man's wife and family, i recently married in September and my husbands best mans wife and family were in the crowd, not front row. Also the witnesses were in the crowd, not I'm any special seating. These people are called forward when needed so in reality they just need an aisle seat, not anywhere special.

milveycrohn · 26/10/2023 14:40

The Back STory gives some explanantion of why the OP was delegated to the 2nd row.
If it were me, I would be hurt as well. However, the OP has spoken to her son, who is not going to change the seating. I would just suck it up, basically.
Hopefully there will be some wedding pics, with the OP and the couple, even if its with the rest of extended family.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 14:41

Wonder if the fiancée will want the ‘spastic’ in her wedding photos

LoveTheDetectorists · 26/10/2023 14:57

BobLemon · 26/10/2023 12:51

The seating logistics work how they are though.

You want you best man and you flower girl sitting on the front row. Realistically, if the flower girl is little, you could do with her mum sitting on the front row too. The BM, FG and Flower Girl mum also come with another DC. So 4 seats gone, leaving 2. Convenient for your witness to also be on the front row, and it’s pretty convenient her partner is your dad. Sorted.

If the OP rearranged things, the best man and flower girl will have to walk back to second row.

This has been gone through with pp stating as they were actively involved in the ceremony they could walk to the front.
Best man’s family including flower girl do not need to be in the front row.
Its actually very weird to do this. Little flower girls can walk to their parents wherever they are and if parents have any sense they will have saved an aisle seat for them

Witnesses do not need to be in the front row as they simply sign the register after the ‘ I now pronounce you bit ‘ so again can walk a few rows to do this,

It sounds like a traditional very organised wedding so why not keep it traditional. Front row, immediate family.
If it was a anything goes ceremony fare enough. But everyone knows to keep away from the front row.

Hannahsaccount · 26/10/2023 15:21

Different way to look at it, which is happening to us… front row is full of people actively in the ceremony (son, best men, ring bearer, witnesses as they need to get in and out of there more easily). For us, there could potentially be one space for mum in law but it is at the other end of the row. By putting mum in law second row (first seat) means she will have a way better view than the other end of the row and the rest of the row can all be her family, who we know she would like to sit with.

Of course you’re allowed to be upset, but not attending, when he has explained dad’s gf is on the front row as she is a witness is honestly RIDICULOUS and who knows, potentially why you are second row.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 15:24

@Hannahsaccount where are your parents sitting, if you are the bride?

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2023 15:39

So you had a great relationship with your son.

Then one day there was some sort of altercation, DIL said something horrid to DD. Apologised, but DD didn't want to accept it. fair enough, up to her. DS said something horrid to the cat also and you threw him out early.
Then DIL (and ds pretty much) have gone total nc with all of you, following a civilised family meal, simply because DD wouldn't accept a friend request from DIL.

And you've been relegated to the second row because of this.

Seems pretty extreme. Would love to hear the other side of all this.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 15:42

@Bookworm20 I am sure many people could not get past the term used by the fiancée, maybe the fiancée can’t understand that her apology doesn’t cut it.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 26/10/2023 15:46

Did DIL admit to using that exact phrase?

Madamum18 · 26/10/2023 15:48

LaurieStrode · Yesterday 20:15 So in other words, be a doormat, walk on eggshells, etc. just so sonny-boy continues to throw you the occasional bone (or let you pay for something expensive like his wedding suit.) I couldn't live like that.

I wasn't saying that but I don't think I expressed myself well. If she wants to avoid a full estrangement she will need to think about that, is what I meant!! WE might not choose that option, she MAY wish to which is why I said it so she can at least think about it.

I did miss out a comment re her responsibilities to her daughter too though that I meant to include. I could not personally countenance the fiancee comment regarding my daughter and would have to say to my son that if his sister does not wish to be involved with someone who called her such an awful thing (even if she wasn't meant to hear it) then that is her choice and I would NOT try to persuade her otherwise. What shocks me really is that even though daughter wasn't meant to hear it,, I don't think the phrase the fiancee used is any sort of "normal" insult, it is quite frankly obnoxious and just isn't something a nicer person would say even in anger or whatever. An apology may never be enough because it just should NOT have been said! That is the daughters decision.

The mothers decision is about what she wants in her relationship with each of her children to be in these difficult circumstances and she may choose the long game as I described or she may not

KittyTurquoise · 26/10/2023 15:48

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 24/10/2023 12:23

His dad's girlfriend and the best man's wife and child are in the front row? Those are ridiculous choices. It should be you, his dad, best man and grandparents.

How disrespectful of him. I would be getting there early and nabbing the front row for myself and my dad. Rude maybe, but I would NOT allow myself to be disrespected at my own son's wedding.

Dads GF is a witness so should be at the front, best man’s daughter is a flower girl so again front row makes sense and best man’s wife to be with daughter while best man fulfils his duties.
I’d maybe swap mum and grandma but it’s not my wedding, nor is it OPs. It’s the bride and grooms choice and disrespecting them is not the answer.

Madamum18 · 26/10/2023 15:53

She did take responsibility, she apologised right at the time and has since tried to make amends but has been repeatedly rejected. All because of a few words she said (not even directly to daughter, but overheard) 3 years ago. I don’t blame her for not wanting people who have rejected her in this way and refused to offer her any grace sitting front and centre at her wedding!

Such an obnoxious comment is not normal "banter" or said in anger. An apology may never be enough for the daughter and that is HER decision. The fiancee is not taking responsibility for her obnoxious comment because she is now refusing to see Mum/future MIL which is basically trying to blackmail the mum into persuading her daughter to "move on"!

However my own view is that this fiancee would happily get her husband to be estranged from his family and is well on the road to doing that...with very heavy influence on the son who needs to step back but also may be getting caught up in a coercive controlling relationship. Watched it happen to someone else ...its like a long slow car crash!

BobLemon · 26/10/2023 16:32

Bookworm20 · 26/10/2023 15:39

So you had a great relationship with your son.

Then one day there was some sort of altercation, DIL said something horrid to DD. Apologised, but DD didn't want to accept it. fair enough, up to her. DS said something horrid to the cat also and you threw him out early.
Then DIL (and ds pretty much) have gone total nc with all of you, following a civilised family meal, simply because DD wouldn't accept a friend request from DIL.

And you've been relegated to the second row because of this.

Seems pretty extreme. Would love to hear the other side of all this.

“Would love to hear the other side of this”. Quite.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 16:36

@BobLemon I would like to know why anyone would think using that term is acceptable in this day and age, and assume that an apology would be sufficient to excuse it, so much so that the sister should automatically accept a friend request on social media. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as someone who uses offensive terms like that.

Madamum18 · 26/10/2023 16:37

crumblingschools · Today 16:36 @BobLemon I would like to know why anyone would think using that term is acceptable in this day and age, and assume that an apology would be sufficient to excuse it, so much so that the sister should automatically accept a friend request on social media. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as someone who uses offensive terms like that.

I agree

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