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Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 26/10/2023 08:29

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2023 08:25

I am loving all the “women who gave birth to him” “carried him for 9 months!!!” And? Being pregnant or pushing a baby out doesn’t make you a person that never has fault. Doesn’t make you some bloody magical being that can never do wrong or hurt someone else.

I can see all the future mils from hell in those posts, but I pushed you out she/he is just your now wife/husband wah wah wah. 😂

Absolute rubbish. You couldn't be further from the truth but hey it suits your twisted narrative.

Icedlatteplease · 26/10/2023 08:30

No way in hell I would have anything to do with anyone who called a child of mine an autistic spastic.

Wouldn't be at the wedding. Just no. What a horrible horrible persons

Valeriekat · 26/10/2023 08:33

He is being very unkind.
You and his Dad should be on the front row no question.
I am not sure if I would go if he thinks so little of me.

eastegg · 26/10/2023 08:42

SecondUsername4me · 24/10/2023 12:10

Sounds like he has a lot of family, and some of them have to be on the second row.

You are asking a lot if you think your dad and your husband should be sitting there over the Grooms own father.

Is he closer to his dad than he is to you?
Are you and his dad amicable?

Some of the front row people are not family; BM’s partner and child. They should be elsewhere for a start.

Then there’s the fact that OP fully accepts her son’s dad should be on the front row. So there’s no need to make it a competition between OP and him. Your points are basically not very relevant because you haven’t read the OP properly.

OP YANBU. You’re saying that non family should be elsewhere ie groomsmen etc, to accommodate all close family at the front. Inevitably posters are trying to make it a competition between you and your ex because they want to treat it like a soap opera, when your OP doesn’t warrant that at all.

Mollypolly123 · 26/10/2023 08:43

Please suck it up, you will regret if you don't attend and the family's involved will forever remember , its not worth the upset, enjoy the day and be the bigger person x

Chunkychips23 · 26/10/2023 09:14

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 18:19

@Chunkychips23 "my DM had several strops in the run up and on the day because she wasn’t centre of attention" - in your opinion!!

You see, I don't think it's unreasonable for your mother who gave you life and brought you up, to be able to express her views about her daughter's wedding. Maybe you were a total bridezilla. Certainly sounds like it was your way or the high way.

I struggle to understand why weddings are all about the bride and groom!!! It's a big day for your guests too, particularly your parents, and if a little compromise is needed so that they enjoy their day too, then you shouldn't just stomp your little foot and moan, "but it's MYYYY DAYYYY"!!

You sound triggered, are you ok?

It was to the point other guests noticed and commented on her behaviour.

And no not at all, it was actually a very chilled wedding. The fact the service was religious and she chose the hymns (I’m not religious, she is), she had most of my guest list to invite who she wanted, the menu she chose at the reception- I think that’s enough compromise don’t you! But go ahead, presume 😜

Solonge · 26/10/2023 09:42

pineapplecrushed · 25/10/2023 23:02

you really need to stop. there is nothing wrong with the seating arrangement.

Remember this when your kids demote you. Bride and grooms parents in front row, has always been the case. Any function hall, church, its the norm but if you dont mind being demoted when your ex is on the front row…his second wife is on the front row….and the brides parents on the front row…then good for you.

Solonge · 26/10/2023 09:43

Chunkychips23 · 26/10/2023 09:14

You sound triggered, are you ok?

It was to the point other guests noticed and commented on her behaviour.

And no not at all, it was actually a very chilled wedding. The fact the service was religious and she chose the hymns (I’m not religious, she is), she had most of my guest list to invite who she wanted, the menu she chose at the reception- I think that’s enough compromise don’t you! But go ahead, presume 😜

Show quote history

Chunky Chips is correct.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 10:09

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2023 08:25

I am loving all the “women who gave birth to him” “carried him for 9 months!!!” And? Being pregnant or pushing a baby out doesn’t make you a person that never has fault. Doesn’t make you some bloody magical being that can never do wrong or hurt someone else.

I can see all the future mils from hell in those posts, but I pushed you out she/he is just your now wife/husband wah wah wah. 😂

@OhmygodDont

bollocks of course it should be worthy of respect

don’t minimise the hardships of pregnancy and birth and child rearing

Hmindr68 · 26/10/2023 10:09

Holy shit balls. The amount of people voting that this entitlement is NOT unreasonable is quite alarming.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 10:10

Hmindr68 · 26/10/2023 10:09

Holy shit balls. The amount of people voting that this entitlement is NOT unreasonable is quite alarming.

@Hmindr68

sometimes people are entitled to things though
op as his mother is entitled to front row seating at the wedding ceremony

FeelingFrustratedAgain · 26/10/2023 10:21

your relationship is strained by your own admission and yet you think you are owed front row?
your daughter in law acted appalling in calling your daughter a name but throwing your son out was wrong.

Billybea · 26/10/2023 10:24

I don't see why he can't put you and his dad on the front row with his step parents behind their respective partners. Then everyone should be happy and understanding. And why is his dads GF a witness instead of his own mother?!

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 10:26

Why do you use the phrase ‘throwing out’, he was already moving out in a few days, she asked him to move out early. He’s an adult, not a teenager. Many adult DC wouldn’t be living at home at 28.

SerafinasGoose · 26/10/2023 10:26

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 10:10

@Hmindr68

sometimes people are entitled to things though
op as his mother is entitled to front row seating at the wedding ceremony

Show quote history

She isn't. And her son is clearly a very determined character and has told her he won't be changing his seating plan, so the question is moot either way.

OP is entitled to be very upset about her future DiL's disgusting, abusive language relating to her own daughter, to have asked her to leave, and not welcomed her into her home again because of it. She's entitled to be very disappointed in her son for using his wedding to score petty points against her and particularly for sending her nasty messages. She's entitled to reevaluate the nature of their relationship subsequent to the wedding, and may well reach a consensus of building bridges with her son but without DiL as part of that relationship. She's entitled not to show up at the wedding, which IMO would be a big mistake and could put a bomb under her relationship with her son forever.

She's not entitled to try to dictate any aspect of their wedding. The position is a hard line and it would be a waste of time and energy in any event. There's a broad agreement in some above PPs as to 'why should women sit there in silence and never complain when they're wronged?' It's a sentiment with which I'd normally agree. But the only road on this occasion is the high road. Who wants to be the mother whose son's wedding guests (presumably including her wider family) forever view her as the mother who stropped off because she couldn't be top dog at her kid's wedding?

Giving either of these two that satisfaction would stick right in my craw if I were the OP. It couldn't and wouldn't happen, no matter how big a strain the day put upon me. But I'd certainly reconsider my future position once the wedding's out of the way.

The adorable couple sound a right duo between them, and in all likelihood they deserve each other.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 10:29

I must admit I might be tempted to tell people what awful language the bride had used if anyone commented on why I had been relegated to the second row

ittakes2 · 26/10/2023 10:31

Billybea · 26/10/2023 10:24

I don't see why he can't put you and his dad on the front row with his step parents behind their respective partners. Then everyone should be happy and understanding. And why is his dads GF a witness instead of his own mother?!

I think the fact he has asked his dad's girlfriend to be witness might speak volumes unfortunately to how he feels about OP - I am guessing he might have a different view on things.
Also maybe his dad and girlfriend are paying for a chunk of the wedding?

Irelandscaul · 26/10/2023 10:32

No mother is ever due payment for their sacrifices.

Where I see a lot of mother child relationships go wrong is when the mother expects this.

Becoming a parent is (mostly) a choice we make. It’s bloody hard work but in the words of every teenager - they didn’t ask to be born.

A parent should try and develop an adult relationship with mutual respect and love and this would never result in the mother being relegated to behind the stepmum.

Sadly this has gone awry here and I don’t think the OP is mostly at fault but she dealt with the DILs comments badly. I too would be furious and so sad that my son was choosing to marry such a terrible person who would make such hurtful comments about their sister.
However the apology should have been accepted although I would have remained wary of the DIL. Unfortunately when a parent makes their child choose their partner or their parent - the partner is usually chosen

Hmindr68 · 26/10/2023 10:34

crumblingschools · Today 10:29

I must admit I might be tempted to tell people what awful language the bride had used if anyone commented on why I had been relegated to the second row

I think if the OP did this, people would understand WHY she’d been relegated to the second row 😁

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 10:41

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 10:26

Why do you use the phrase ‘throwing out’, he was already moving out in a few days, she asked him to move out early. He’s an adult, not a teenager. Many adult DC wouldn’t be living at home at 28.

@FeelingFrustratedAgain

this! Let’s stop infantilising adult men

Anothercomment · 26/10/2023 10:43

Nasty. Not soooo pointless. All am a saying is she is right to be upset but not worth further aggravating the situation by not going. I also wasn’t saying she was having a tantrum… just that it would be perceived that way. I have now gone back and read the OP messages as you suggested - certainly lots of very unpleasant and complicated dynamics there - and as a mother of boys… I too would be devastated by a DIL like that. As for the next commentator about starting a sentence with a lowercase … 🙄. Sounds like the relationship between mother and son is already doomed and I feel really sad for her and her family that she has to deal with that.

Nipsmum · 26/10/2023 10:55

You have been invited to the wedding. It's not a bid deal who sits where, it's only for 10 minutes. Don't worry about trivialities like what seat you sit on. Enjoy the wedding.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 11:06

@Nipsmum I’m assuming she will also be downgraded on the top table.

@Hmindr68 I’m not sure why it should be a secret that the bride thinks her sister in law is a spastic

Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 11:12

While I don't think that what the fiancee said is forgiveable under any circumstances the nature of the apology counts a little. Was it a genuine, heartfelt aplogy, or was it more of a 'sorry, not sorry'?

Fairhsa · 26/10/2023 11:14

I feel so sorry for you. Your son is being unfair (mainly in the previous bits of the saga) and his fiance sounds like an immature brat. Put on a brave face and go to the wedding and sit in the second row. You are the bigger person. They are just kids after all. You will need to be there when they split up later and your son will need your support....

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