Groom's mum not on first row...

[kittykitten]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

Nobody is entitled to respect. It has to be earned. Throwing a hissy fit about something so trivial is not the way to earn it.

@Harrysarseinthedogbowl have you read all the OP’s posts?

I don't think she has the capacity to be happy.

And why do you think it hasn't been earned by the mother who reared her son when his father didn't bother his fucking arse, and who let him live in her house until the age of 28, no doubt subsidising him?? FFS! Catch a grip!!

On what do you base this character assassination???!!

@TheFretfulPorpentine

you are so right!!

don’t they know that as a mother you have to completely repress and subjugate your own emotions, wants and needs; put up and shut up at all times no matter what costs to yourself - and do it with a beatific smile plastered on your face; let your offspring live with you until they’re 50 rent-free (even if they do earn 3x more than you); act as a container and facilitator for everyone else all of the time; don’t expect any form of reverence or respect in the slightest; provide free child care on tap; etc etc etc

I mean if you can’t do that - why bother?! Poor kids 😢 they didn’t ask to be born!

The main rift started when his half sister overheard his fiancée call her an “autistic spastic” as did my husband and his half brother. He also was mean to my daughter’s cat … but apologised.

Fucking hell. Yeah, my relationship with my son would be minimal if he chose to continue a relationship with someone who said that. What the fuck was done to the cat?

@Harrysarseinthedogbowl what makes you say that?

@Harrysarseinthedogbowl

exactly how else do you think op should have earned his respect?!

He’s being manipulated - I thought this but when I saw your update it became clearer. It’s too late now to do what you should have done when the bride made those terrible ableist remarks, which is to have drawn a line in defence of your child. Now you can do nothing but be classy and gracious because you’ll be the one going down in history as difficult at the wedding otherwise. He’s being a bit spineless but may see the light soon. I suspect that there’s quite a lot being left out of the story.

You haven't read the OP's posts have you?

Your son sounds very petty; don't lower yourself to his level. His GF sounds even worse. Go and sit where he wants, with quiet dignity.

Go, swallow your pride, sit where your son places you at both the wedding and the reception, and keep your dignity by behaving as a model wedding guest should. But make sure you look absolutely fabulous so your ex and partner, your son and his fiancee and her family, can see what a gracious, lovely and loving mother you are. Let the other guests draw their own conclusions as to the seating arrangements, try to enjoy the day, and then if matters don't improve with your son, you can look back and honestly tell yourself you did everything you could to have a decent relationship with your son while still protecting your daughter and younger son.

Forget the seating arrangements, he's not going to change them, so just accept it for that one day, and concentrate on what you and the rest of your family are going to wear to look your very best because like it or not, you will be on show. Make a statement by attending with all the grace you can muster - fiancee might be hoping you throw a strop and not attend!

@kittykitten
I admit to not having read most of these posts, but I have read all of the OP's posts. There has been so much friction and insensitive behavior that it is unfortunate that it is bleeding over internet the wedding.

For a wedding ceremony that is not likely to last more than 20 or 30 minutes, does it really matter where anyone sits? The real issues are not about seating and run so much deeper. Your 96 year old dad is really not going to care where he sits. His setting should be determined by comfort rather than convention. Your daughter and your husband are not likely going to like your daughter in-law no matter where you sit.
In your place, I would go and sit quietly ( in whatever seats designated. After the ceremony , I would extend my heartfelt congratulations and best wishes to my son and his bride (because you truly do want your son to be happy) and head home.

It is a wedding and not a theater production, so drama is out of place. Quiet dignity should rule the day.
Let your son have his moment, it truly won't cost you anything.

Everyone who matters, will already know that you are his mother. This is just hotel seating and not seats around the throne.

Your family relationships are damaged enough, you don't need these added bad feelings to make your family relationship any worse.

I have

Dreadful @kittykitten …
I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all!! The mums and dads should be in the front row… step parents the second row..
Your son is being incredibly insensitive, BUT there’s nothing you can do, show up, smile, congratulate the bride and groom and just forget which chair you’re sat in and enjoy the day x

I’m so sorry OP. What a tough situation.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the GF has been asked to be witness as a way to put her in the front row and keep you out of it. And your son knows that. What a shame he is so spineless. The rest of your family sound incredibly supportive.

Go to the wedding. Your son and DIL are the ones who will look small and petty. Then go home and focus on your loved ones who are giving you the support that you need and deserve.

I can understand why you are upset op

not unreasonable to be upset but definitely unreasonable to consider not going because of it… you need to accept it and go. He is clearly under a lot of strain and I am sure he was very torn about what to do but if you do not show- there will be no comeback or forgiveness. You will lose the relationship altogether - you will forever be the mother who didn’t show because she had a tantrum about the seating plan. DO NOT be that person if you love your son and want to continue to have a relationship. Weddings are almost the worst thing for divorced kids … we are often massive people pleasers and struggle with then with our own relationships downstream. You need to set an example of a mature grown up and say that you regret adding pressure and you are really excited about the seeing him married etc etc. you will probs find out his Dad has footed half the bill and that’s pushed him further into inner conflict. Be grateful and don’t rock the boat on this one. Good luck

Always hard when both parents have new partners. Really unimportant long term.

@Anothercomment @Younglady18

Fair enough that you didn’t bother to read through 800+ replies, but surely when you see a thread that’s 2 days old, you’d check if there had been any updates from the OP before you post your completely pointless reply? 🤦🏻‍♀️

You also need to learn how to start your sentences with capital letters.
There you go I just felt as being as silly and petty as you.
There is everything wrong with the seating plan.

I can’t understand the harshness of the replies in here.
The mother and stepfather are justified to feel letdown by their son’s choices.
They raised him together from age 7 to 28

Why now the persons with prominent roles and prime seating at his weeding are his biological father and his partner?
If he was unhappy at home he could not have stayed until the age 28, therefore, his stepfather must have been a good Dad.
The stepfather should also should have been included in the proceedings.
My advice to mummy is not to text or try to speak with your son on this subject again.
Your son has pulled away from you by choice or influenced by the persons close to him now.
Attend the wedding, be pleasant and calm.
Afterwards try to heal by concentrating on family and friends who love and value you.
(By the way. You are not being petty. If my son did this to me I could be devastated).

Both mum and dad should be on the first row ideally: However it depends on how he feels...this is more like enstranged situation setting; unfortunately it is not as eazy people find it hard to get along sometimes there is more to the story. I wouldn't want my mum on the second row if she matters to me.

I am loving all the “women who gave birth to him” “carried him for 9 months!!!” And? Being pregnant or pushing a baby out doesn’t make you a person that never has fault. Doesn’t make you some bloody magical being that can never do wrong or hurt someone else.

I can see all the future mils from hell in those posts, but I pushed you out she/he is just your now wife/husband wah wah wah. 😂