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Original poster

Groom's mum not on first row...

1000 replies

kittykitten · 24/10/2023 11:55

Hi everyone

I just wanted to get some advice on this matter.

I am feeling very upset and tearful over the last couple of days as I have just found out that my 31 year son who is getting married in a civil ceremony at a hotel is placing me, his step dad, my 93 year dad, his uncle, his step brother and sister on the second row for the wedding ceremony.

We had met up a short while ago and I had asked about the seating and would my dad have plenty of room for his legs, etc and he just said it was very stressful organising everything and he needed his groomsmen and best man close to hand for the service.

I accepted this and thought he was putting his best man and groomsmen on the front row and his bride would be doing the same with her matron of honour and bridesmaids. I just said as long as my dad was seated comfortably that was fine, however, I have been now informed that his front row will consist of his dad, his dads girlfriend, his dads mum, best man, best mans wife and their daughter & baby.

I asked if any of his brides parents were going on the second row to be met with a torrent of abuse about how selfish I am and he needs these people close to hand as the little girl is a flower girl and his dads GF is a witness and I am on the second row its not a million miles away, etc.

However, I just feel really upset I always thought your mum was on the front row. I really want to see him get married but I feel humiliated sitting behind his dads girl friend....

I just expected that the row of six chairs would consist of his dad, GF, his grandad (my dad), his grandma (his dads side), myself and my husband and his uncle (my brother) his half sister and brother on a subsequent row.

I feel so uncomfortable and have messaged (he doesn't like speaking over the phone) everything is done via message. I even mentioned the order above or whether just me and his grandad could be on the first row but he says he can put whoever he wants where he wants and I am making a drama out of it and it stays as it is. He says he won't discuss anymore and that he will see me at the wedding...

The messages are quite nasty and i just feel that does he even really want me there, if he really wanted me on the front row he could have made it happen.

I really don't know whether I can go - I know I should swallow my pride to see my son get married but I am torn up with being made to sit behind his dads GF.
I hold nothing against any of the people on the front row, I have know his BM since they were 7 years old. I just thought it should be his mum with them on the front row.

He has always lived with me and when I left his dad and met his step dad he then lived with us from the age of 7 to 28 when he moved out. We used to be so close.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/10/2023 21:59

OP, give your head a real wobble.

If anyone called one of my children an "autistic spastic", there would be NO APOLOGY that would have me EVER in contact with them again.

As for the wedding?

Let him off.

I wouldn't dream of being upset.
I would be hugely ambivalent about attending.

Your son is a spoiled brat with poor taste in women.

Stop paying for anything.

Find some loyalty to your daughter.

Where is your loyalty to your daughter?

I would filet anyone that would speak about my child in such terms and if it was the partner of one of my other
children, they would get it with both barrels.

I see no reason for any upset.

This is deliberate on her part no doubt.

Save your upset for your daughter who has a brother with an utterly vile fiancée, and whose mother should have better judgement than to be stressing over something so inconsequential in the face of her son marrying such utter scum.

I concur, the wedding has probably no more than 6 months in it.

As for words not having the power to wound?

Talk to your daughter about that.
God love her having to hear her described as such.

I would be absolutely furious.

You badly need to wobble your head and think about your daughter and get your loyalties and priorities straight.

Tandora · 25/10/2023 22:01

crumblingschools · 25/10/2023 21:19

@Tandora do you realise how offensive that word is?

Yes of course. It was an awful and offensive thing to say. But do you really think uttering an offensive word once is an unforgivable offence that’s worth causing a permanent family rift? I don’t.
she apologised. She wanted to make amends.
Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes- using offensive words once in the moment is the most ordinary and common of them. Everybody deserves grace.

MontalbanoFan · 25/10/2023 22:03

In my opinion, you are not BU.

You MUST go to the wedding though. And grit your teeth and put on a big smile.

I have a friend who had a huge falling-out with her daughter prior to the latter’s wedding. In all the photos, my friend has a face like a smacked arse and it’s very noticeable. It makes her look really bad, in spite of her ill feelings being justified.

Do a Michelle Obama . . . . “When they go low, we go high.” . . . . Or something like that.

Tandora · 25/10/2023 22:04

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/10/2023 20:30

@Tandora

Regardless of age, It was still his home.”

it’s not though. It’s op’s home. Is his name on the mortgage etc?

No. It’s op home and he should show some appreciation that she allowed him to live there as long as she did. He couldn’t show his sister basic care and respect so he had to go - bye, bye

Show quote history

errrr just because your name isn’t on the mortgage doesn’t mean it’s not your home. Or do you think people who rent are homeless? Home is the place you live.

crumblingschools · 25/10/2023 22:11

He was leaving home anyway, he was just asked to leave slightly early. He’s a grown up (although wouldn’t know that by some of his actions), he could easily find somewhere to stay for a week (girlfriend or dad, for example)

Tandora · 25/10/2023 22:15

crumblingschools · 25/10/2023 22:11

He was leaving home anyway, he was just asked to leave slightly early. He’s a grown up (although wouldn’t know that by some of his actions), he could easily find somewhere to stay for a week (girlfriend or dad, for example)

yes presumably he found somewhere else to stay. I don’t imagine he slept on the streets. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t an incredibly hurtful action for OP to take against her son- he was leaving in 7 days anyway. I’m not surprised if he’s still feeling resentful and hurt.

Mumof3confused · 25/10/2023 22:16

This fiancée sounds like trouble and she knows you know, so she’s making his relationship with you difficult in order to distance him from you.

You need to be there for him. Don’t take her bait regarding the seating arrangements or anything else, it will only move him further away from you. But it sounds like he will need you at some point, as it sounds like this marriage is not likely to last. Make sure you keep all lines of communication open so that he knows that he can always come to you.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/10/2023 22:21

All2Well · 24/10/2023 12:15

His parents should be on the front row, but not necessarily grandparents and step relatives (unless he felt a step-parent took on more of a role than his mum/dad). It's delicate with blended families. But it is the norm to have your parents on the front row and I can see why you would be hurt.

This.
Although your Dad needs room for his legs and so should also be in the front.
You gave birth to him and brought him up, I think you should get a front row seat and I would also be upset in your place.
As to what you can do though , I don’t know, other than talking to him. Can you talk to his fiancé ?

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/10/2023 22:22

Tandora · 25/10/2023 22:04

errrr just because your name isn’t on the mortgage doesn’t mean it’s not your home. Or do you think people who rent are homeless? Home is the place you live.

Show quote history

@Tandora

hes a fully grown man. It’s a privilege to be able to live with your parents at that age, not some god given right. He would do well to remember that.

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 22:28

Pumpkinpie1 · 25/10/2023 19:12

OP you picked sides with favouring your daughter and asking your son to move out. You haven’t spoken to him in 10 months and have had little involvement in planning his wedding.
In the circumstances sitting on the 2nd row was understandable.

So she should have meekly allowed her daughter to be verbally abused by the virago he's marrying?

Energydrink · 25/10/2023 22:34

Incredibly hurtful, humiliating and disrespectful. I wouldn’t dream of treating my mother or mother in law that way xx

SharonEllis · 25/10/2023 22:34

Weddings are a nightmare, I honestly don't know why people do it to themselves or inflict them & all their stupid rules on others. But given that he is having a wedding I think it would be a huge mistake not to go. Don't do anything you'll regret - he's your son. Thats more important than wedding etiquette.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 25/10/2023 22:37

Bit of a dripfeed that the fiancee now seems to be such a horrendous person and the son being asked to leave weren't pertinent enough to be mentioned in the first post as to why it's not a great relationship!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 25/10/2023 22:39

If he was 10 when your other children were born, was there any issues? Has he mentioned feeling like an outsider to your family?

crumblingschools · 25/10/2023 22:46

He lived at home until he was 28, don't think he could have felt that much of an outsider!

Solonge · 25/10/2023 22:48

SecondUsername4me · 24/10/2023 12:10

Sounds like he has a lot of family, and some of them have to be on the second row.

You are asking a lot if you think your dad and your husband should be sitting there over the Grooms own father.

Is he closer to his dad than he is to you?
Are you and his dad amicable?

Er….so the Grooms father should be on the front row with his second wife…but its ok for the Grooms mum to be on the second row? You would be happy with that when your kids marry?

Blueink · 25/10/2023 22:50

I can see both sides, but organising weddings are stressful and suggest it’s better to rise above any pettiness about being in the row behind your ExH and his DP.

There may have been a misunderstanding in the conversation about your dad and can see how they’ve planned the rows so you are sitting with him.

It seems a done deal now, DS has made his feelings very clear, so what’s the point of getting more upset about something you can’t change? I hope you can put it in perspective and still enjoy the day OP.

LondonLass91 · 25/10/2023 22:55

Who are these people who voted that you are being unreasonable?! Perhaps they do not have adult children. I would be very very upset if my son or daughter put their dad and his girlfriend on the front row, and not their mum. The woman who GAVE BIRTH to them. Very upset. I think his new wife to be is also out of order, we women are the neck which turns the head. I cannot understand it OP, but Bel Mooney would advise you to let it be and swallow your upset. Hard, I know xx

LondonLass91 · 25/10/2023 22:58

WhereDoYouGo1 · 24/10/2023 12:16

Yes what about the reception/top table etc?

Yes. This is far more important. Are you top table?

Doiordontigiveone · 25/10/2023 22:59

You're not wrong to be upset OP. It's very hurtful. His reaction is defensive. He knows he's wrong but I'm afraid he's probably not going to admit it and you're irritating him by saying it. I'd not be surprised if its the new wife but he should have stood up and said no. I'm sorry you're having to feel this way. And yes it's even worse that his dad's gf is in the front row. What a kick in the teeth

pineapplecrushed · 25/10/2023 23:02

you really need to stop. there is nothing wrong with the seating arrangement.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 25/10/2023 23:19

Seriously, how can you be so petty? how can it even cross your mind to care where you sit during the ceremony? Some people really aren't fit to have children.

flagwaver · 25/10/2023 23:21

TheFretfulPorpentine · 25/10/2023 23:19

Seriously, how can you be so petty? how can it even cross your mind to care where you sit during the ceremony? Some people really aren't fit to have children.

If you think this is petty then your last sentence applies totally to you deary.

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 23:24

TheFretfulPorpentine · 25/10/2023 23:19

Seriously, how can you be so petty? how can it even cross your mind to care where you sit during the ceremony? Some people really aren't fit to have children.

You don't have a clue, do you...

Treesinmygarden · 25/10/2023 23:27

pineapplecrushed · 25/10/2023 23:02

you really need to stop. there is nothing wrong with the seating arrangement.

You really need to get some life experience.

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