Friend expects me to order everything

[Dublinwife]

A long standing friend keeps asking me to order things for her online . She refuses to even try to do it because she doesn’t want to put her card details. She won’t even sign up for an e wallet or prepaid card. It’s ok once or twice but now it’s everything. Birthdays, Christmas, anything. She gives me the money but I feel like a Secretary. Sometimes if we haven’t spoken for a couple of weeks, I’ll get a message , no hello how areyou , just can you order me this today in a large? I’ve told her she needs to do it and she just mouths the words I know, but doesn’t. I just feel like if I didn’t do it would we even be friends? How can I say no? I’ve made various excuses but I always end up doing it. Really fed up. She has family that could do it.

Equally not changing things means you are a doormat.

If someone comes on to the internet and asks for advice then they can expect to be given a load of it - doesn't mean they have to take it but it kind of defeats the purpose of the exercise.

I've found the best response is a firm: 'I'm not ordering things for other people anymore. It's making it difficult to track my budget / not wanting to put my card details into sites I don't use / just don't want to do it'. Or similar.

Then: 'But, I'm happy to help you set up a Paypal /Amazon account (or whatever site she uses) and show you how to shop online safely so you can do it yourself. It's so much better than relying on someone else!'

If you don't hear from them, then you know that that's all you were.

Come on now, @Dublinwife the solution is in your hands alone. If you keep doing things for her and then seethe about it things will ever change - that way madness lies. Why would things change as she's getting what she wants, whether you're happy to do it or not?

Email or message/WhatsApp her and say that, from this point on going forward you are no longer going to order anything online for her for whatever reason.

If she has a go at you or tries to guilt you just mute her for a few days then get some peace. If you lose her as a friend might that not be a good price to pay to stop being her doormat? 🌹

As a pp said. Next time she text, just send back 'hi x I don't have time to keep ordering you stuff, you'll have to either do it yourself or find someone else to order with' if she comes back with 'I don't know how, or it'll only take a few mins' say 'if it only takes a few mins you can do it, or I've offered to show you how to do it's if she gets uppity then she wants a friend anyway so no great loss.

I find this incredible also. How hard is it to say ‘no im not doing this again, you’ll need to manage it yourself’

Some people just find it very hard. I count myself among them. Everybody's different.

I had a friend who'd do this

We worked together and it as getting to the point she'd have seen something she wanted me to order every other shift-i didn't mind the first or second time,but after a few months of it,I was starting to get pissed off

The reasons where,I have an ebay account and she didn't want one (fair enough),she was scared of getting scammed/having her card details hacked (OK for me to run the risk) and she 'doesn't trust other sites like amazon or vinted etc'

It was starting to wind me up (I'll do a favour for anyone)

I had to hunt down what it was she wanted,(daft things like arthritis support thingys for fingers,certain socks made of unicorn wool or bags of sweets,that nobody's ever heard of,but her son likes) order it,wait for it to be delivered and deliver it to work-and then chase her for the payment ('oh but its only a tenner') and deal with returns if needed-I'd end up paying out of my pocket (if she paid upfront in the first place) and waiting on the refund

It came to a head when she came in raving about some haggis she'd bought and someone asked if she'd got it from the butchers

Nope,she'd ordered it online-,straight on,found it ordered it and scoffed it within an hour of it being delivered

Wasn't bothered about her card details being nicked when she wanted something fast

I stepped back from this piss taking and haven't heard from her since

I've now stopped being a people pleaser-which is a hard habit to break-i ask dp or my adult children and 99% of the time,they set me straight and I refuse to do it

And why do people want the OP to invent reasons for saying No? 'No' covers it.

Say no. If she asks why just say it’s taking up too much of your time.

"It's too much of a hassle"

It’s something I had to learn to undo. It’s when you realise that you’re trying not to offend/upset someone who consistently offends/upsets you.

OP say no and after that I wouldn’t even acknowledge any further texts asking you to order stuff.

Honestly, why do people allow themselves to be used like this?
It’s completely unreasonable of her to expect you to do this. Don’t make excuses, don’t lie. Just say you’re not going to do it any more and she’ll have to do it herself. Repeat until she gets it.
If she then doesn’t want to be her friend any more, she clearly wasn’t really a friend.

I had one of these type of friends. Forever wanting me to order stuff on line.

I said 'yeah ok, give me your card details and I'll order for you'.

She's never asked me again.

This.
Block her number if it makes life easier.

Either just say no, or ignore her request. If she keeps asking tell her you forgot, you are a bit busy, don’t have time at the moment… she’ll move on if this is not convenient to her anymore

@Sharontheodopolodous Well done for breaking the habit.
Being a people pleaser isn’t the same thing as being a lovely kind person. It means lacking the assertiveness to avoid being used and manipulated by others, resulting in you and often your family being disadvantaged while you put yourself out for demanding people.

Helping people is a good thing. Using your credit card because someone else is worried about their card being scammed (or so they say) is just foolish.

If she doesn't like going in and ordering online, tell her that many retailers offer in-store ordering so that might be an option for her? Oh, and you're no longer going to be her personal secretary/ PA as it's not adding anything to your CV and you don't need another job at the moment as you're plenty busy with the one you already have 😆

I also wouldn't mention about how it seem ok for your details to be potentially scammed as you actually WANT her to start shopping online. She needs to know it's safe to do this.

I would just say - I have done this for quite a bit & I don't like doing it. It would not be that hard for you to do it for yourself. but if you can't do it then maybe you have a relative or a friend who can take over. I won't be doing other orders but let me know when you fancy a coffee.

If you get a message asking you to order something after that - ignore it or just did you not get my email ?

If this is how she thinks you are a friend I am guessing you won't miss her , however longstanding.

'No, I won't be ordering anything for you. Would you like me to show you how to set up an account?' And if I was feeling bitchy 'since you evidently find it useful'. And if she asked again, that would be reduced to 'no, I won't be ordering anything for you' and if the requests came again, just 'no' and then radio silence. The trick is to make sure that each time they ask, they get less and less of a response from you, so that it's a clear shut down.

There's no magic answer here, OP. There's no magic way of saying no and doing it so that she's happy. It's perfectly reasonable to say no. How she responds is up to her. And I voted YABU because I think it is bloody unreasonable to cede to these requests and then whinge about it.

How can I say no?

No.

I said no.

i still said no.

Repeat after me. No.

This really isn't hard. To challenge Zammo, just say No.

Stop being a doormat.

I disagree, she needs to learn to stand up for herself by saying no, you need to order it yourself and cut it off. No pandering or pussyfooting

I voted that you are being unreasonable because you just need to say no. No reason or explanation needed. Just say no!

I said YABU, not because I think you should keep doing it, but why on earth don't you just tell her you don't want to do this anymore?

Tell her you will show her how to do it but you can't do it anymore you are too busy.
She will never do it yourself if you always do it

I had a friend years ago who wanted me to do this all the time
Say no you can't afford to spend on your card anymore and that's it
It's a bit of a pathetic excuse on her part if she's mentally well