Friend expects me to order everything

[Dublinwife]

A long standing friend keeps asking me to order things for her online . She refuses to even try to do it because she doesn’t want to put her card details. She won’t even sign up for an e wallet or prepaid card. It’s ok once or twice but now it’s everything. Birthdays, Christmas, anything. She gives me the money but I feel like a Secretary. Sometimes if we haven’t spoken for a couple of weeks, I’ll get a message , no hello how areyou , just can you order me this today in a large? I’ve told her she needs to do it and she just mouths the words I know, but doesn’t. I just feel like if I didn’t do it would we even be friends? How can I say no? I’ve made various excuses but I always end up doing it. Really fed up. She has family that could do it.

There are always people on threads like this who suggest telling pointless lies instead of just setting a normal, reasonable boundary.

I don’t get it. If you’re scared to tell the truth in case it leads to conflict, why wouldn’t you be scared to lie for the same reason? The lies people propose are always so flimsy and the risk of negative fallout is arguably a lot higher.

And in any case lying is childish and dodgy in the most basic way

I voted YABU as you are being a complete wet blanket - why are you continuing to do this? You are you own worst enemy!

That doesn't work for me, sorry. Or you could go really hardcore and leave the sorry off the end.

I had someone who was doing this - but also frustratingly giving me cash which messed up my finances. I told them I would help if they went and paid the cash in at the bank. It soon stopped them when they realised it wasn’t as easy as having a personal assistant.

I mean this kindly, but stop being a bloody doormat and say no.

What do you mean, 'How do I say no?' You form the word 'No' with your voice and fucking say it. Don't make a weird excuse or tell her you've been scammed or claim that your wifi's not working or something. Just tell her it's not fair and you're not doing it any more because she has to learn how to shop online for herself.

She's taking the piss. Next time she asks, tell her this is absolutely the last time you are doing this for her and that she needs to either grow the fuck up or buy things from actual shops instead. If that's the end of your friendship, who cares? If she ends a friendship over this, she's not a friend worth having anyway. She's only asking you because you're the only one who's scared to say no.

Tell her you’ve been thinking about her reasons for not wanting to use her own card details (getting scammed, security etc) and you’ve decided she’s right! Thank her so much for “opening your eyes” and tell her because of HER, you’re severely limiting your own online transactions so can’t order anymore.

There’s nothing she can really say back to that as you’re agreeing with her. She can’t exactly argue with her own logic but if she does and tries to problem solve, turn it back on her and say oh if that’s the case, you can order yourself then.

I voted YABU because you just need to say no 🤔

Just say no and stick to it.
You don't need to give excuses.

I did too - you just need to grow a pair OP.

I just feel like if I didn’t do it would we even be friends?

So? She sounds like a shit friends who is just using you!

I voted YANBU to want to stop but UABU for continuing. Nobody is holding a gun to your head and making you do it.

All you need to say is "no, sorry I just don't have the time" and rinse and repeat.

If she ends your friendship over it then she is no friend anyway

Wait, she won't use her own information online but it's OK for you to put yours at risk??

First of all, if she'd refuse to be friends with you if you didn't order for her, then why would you want to be friends with her? What are you getting out of this relationship?

Also, I don't know anyone who's more paranoid than I am about personal/bank information and I simply use PayPal. There are other services that are similar, like Apple Pay and others. The idea is that only one company has access to my information. I never have to enter card details anywhere and won't order from companies that don't have PayPal. PayPal's entire business model is based on security, so the risk is low.

It is perfectly reasonable to say, "I've been happy to help, but I can't do it anymore. Why not set up a PayPal or Apple Pay account or talk to someone at your bank? Let's go out for coffee this weekend."

A friend of mine is like this with Facebook. We’re in a country outside the UK where the main sources of information are the various English-language Facebook groups, especially if you don’t speak the local language well (she does not). Always asking me to post questions on her behalf to find out things she wants to know. Just join FB, for goodness sake! It’s not a cult. You can just join a few groups to ask the odd question in, and then ignore the site the rest of the time, if you like.

No is a complete sentence.

Alternatively, you say pretty much what you've said in your OP: "I'm not your secretary."

Many women have been conditioned to please rather than express autonomy. You're lucky if you're not one of them and no, it isn't simple to change one's personality on a moment just because someone on the Internet thinks you should.

No is not a complete sentence. Why is it someone types that on almost every thread?

CAUTIONARY TALE

As an aside, is she paying you in cash? How well do you know her? Do you know where the money is coming from?

I had an old school friend who would pop up now and again, asking me to order things online (citing internet security as the reason he couldn’t do it himself) but turns out he was MONEY LAUNDERING his drug money! He used multiple people to do it (who didn’t have contact with each other) so the number and value of goods wouldn’t look too suspicious to any one person, but when you times it by the number of people involved, it added up to £££££. Just like in your story, this was why he asked acquaintances to do it rather than his own family!

Not saying your friend is doing this but maybe highlights why it’s not a good idea to do things like this.

I'd just say no.

With that being said I would also be asking if she is alright, this seems very extreme. Presumably she must pay her bills etc with her card details registered somewhere or go out of the house and use her card, all of which carry the same 'risk'. I think I'd want to understand if she was struggling with anxiety or similar and what if, anything could be done to access help if that were the case.

Your finances must look so weird, lots of cash transfers in with no obvious source of income for it…? It’s the sort of thing banks pick up on when you do mortgage applications.
I think the response about Christmas coming and she needs to get it sorted is a good one. Then No, and repeat.

Sorry, it’s just too much of a faff. I’ve got more than enough stuff of my own to see to.

Say you’re not able to do it any more.
Tell her to get a credit card if she doesn’t already have one and then her online payments will be protected.

Is she not able to get to any shops? Because obviously that’s the thing to do if she can’t buy online.

Just say "no". If you need an excuse either your card has been scammed.
Give her an invoice charged at 50 quid an hour (minimum unit of time 30 minutes) for your assistance?

If the only reason she gets in touch is to instruct you to order things online for her that's not much of a friendship, is it? Say no and see how much she's in touch then. No need to lie, just say you don't want to do it.

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth this actually sounds a possibility. Although how would they be getting their money back if the OP is buying goods with it? If they were returning them and being repaid into their account, yes money laundering but the returns would go to OP, not the friend wouldn’t they?