Who are the breastfeeding mafia?!?!?

[PlumPudd]

I often see threads on Mumsnet where people talk about feeling pressured to breastfeed by the breastfeeding mafia or shamed for not breastfeeding. And I’m curious…

Who are these breastfeeding mafiosos?? If you felt pressured to breastfeed, can you explain where this tangible pressure actually came from? Especially when, if you do chose to formula feed, you’ll be doing what the vast majority of UK women do, so you won’t be in the minority and will be surrounded by other women doing the same. Is it just that being told “breast is best” is upsetting if that’s not what you’re choosing?

Why (if the breastfeeding mafia are so powerful) are they also so unsuccessful with breastfeeding rates in the UK among the lowest in the developing world? My experience with the so called mafia (aka midwives, doctors, council funded breastfeeding support teams) is that they were either not there, too busy to help or repeatedly told me to formula feed if I so much as asked for help with a latch.

I 100% believe it’s women’s choice how they feed their babies, but that that choice needs to be informed by accurate information provided by scientists and healthcare professionals, (aka breast is best but formula is fine) and that women need to be supported in whatever they chose, meaning proper lactation consultants and follow up care for mothers that want to try breastfeeding and guidance on paced bottle feeding and techniques for those who chose formula - and both for those who combi.

That seems really naughty they wouldn't give you any. And mad advice to not top up if their weight had been an issue and supplying twins is notoriously hard. Sorry that happened to you. Hope they're ok now

By that point it would have been in my birth plan and they should know from my notes why i’m not breastfeeding or i’m struggling, so yes i’d make a formal complaint.

Just to reply to NHS not giving out formula. I tried to breast feed but had low milk supply and baby was in neonatal for 3 weeks. We were always supplied by hospital with sma formula in transition care and neonatal for top ups. So from my experience they give you formula if breast feeding fails.

My experience, decades ago, was they provided milk if it was needed. My colleague has been categorically told (within the last couple of weeks) the hospital she is due to go in to won't.

I don't know if it varies trust to trust.

As to not providing formula if someone doesn't want to breast feed, I'm not really sure why they should. Like I didn't expect them to provide anything for the baby (e.g nappies, wipes, etc) and took all that in myself including formula in case BF didn't work.

Having been told this, my colleague's view now, as she obviously won't know how she will cope, is that, although she has been intending to try to breastfeed, armed with this information, she has now gone out and bought formula, bottles, steriliser etc, 'in case she needs it'. Then, as it is all there ready, and on hand, she feels she will turn to using it very readily, when she might not have otherwise. But she and her dh didn't want him having to go out foraging in the early hours of the morning, after a potential 30 hour labour, because the hospital wouldn't support her if at that point she can't breastfeed. Seems counter productive to me.

It would depend for me. I don’t feel like discussing that information with medical professionals, especially since the response isn’t usually “ok, that’s fine” it’s usually an attempt to come up with solutions I have already considered and I’m not interested in which feels like pressure when it happens over and over again like it did with my last pregnancy.

This time I say I’ll be formula feeding and I’m not interested in discussing it any further.

Yes good point. I hadn't thought of it that way. Also seems like a potential waste of money for your friend if everything goes smoothly but I agree I'd rather have it and not need it than vice versa. I wonder if it varies by trust - as my birth wasn't that long ago but they may have changed policy if it's a national push. Good luck to your friend

I actually found a lot of people were more skeptical breastfeeding would work so there was a lot of "if you can't". I think it makes women doubt their own ability when actually most women could BF if they want to with the right support in place. My GP was visibly repulsed that I was still BF my one year old. But I do agree most professionals are pro BF.

They don't exist and if anything the hate is directed towards breastfeeding mums

I bf my son till he was 3 and a half.
Whilst I didn't personally encounter any prejudice I know of mums who full term breastfed who were called pedophiles.

Also there's alot of misinformation about full term breastfeeding from health care professionals who say that extended breastfeeding inhibits a child's independence and causes clinigyness. Which is total bollocks obviously

They don't exist and if anything the hate is directed towards breastfeeding mums

So all of the posters who’ve shared their experiences of it on this very thread are lying then are they @Coffeelotsofcoffee ?

What’s ‘full term breastfeeding’?

And does it mean that breastfeeding for less than that is half a job? Hmm.

The midwives are the mafia in my experience. Other healthcare professionals were more balanced. I gave BF everything I had first time and was a slave to it, just didn't have the supply. At that time I did get loads of help from midwives and breast feeding support. Felt all the guilt and that I was being denied something that women are supposed to be able to do. I was so upset not to be able to exclusively BF. Ended up combi feeding for 7 months, but made early motherhood miserable. Second time around I promised myself if it was that difficult again I'd just FF and keep my sanity. Zero support second time, staff shortages so obvious I didn't feel able to ask for help. Gave up very quickly but would have appreciated the support to try for longer.

I clicked on the thread to point out there are too many of them.

You are not the thread police - and if you are sick of whatever, it’s you that needs to avoid clicking on the thread.

BF Mafia = anyone who judges the choices another woman makes or aims to make said women feel guilty for the decisions that they have made.

I can include family members who had no issues with BF their own and therefore make the assumption that it is easy for everyone. My favourite comment I've heard recently is, "Just act like formula doesn't exist and it'll work."

My child had lost 20% of his body weight 10 days after birth because it WASN'T working... but according to said family member, apparently that's 'normal'. (For the record, it's not normal. Losing SOME weight is normal. Up to about 10%.) He put on some weight, was discharged and then lost 12% of his discharge weight within 5 days. I was TOLD by medical professionals very clearly that my child must be fed formula because he wasn't thriving. STILL I am judged for it and told that I 'gave up'. My main concern was my child being well after having spent 12 days in special care. I remember telling my partner, "He can have liquid gold for all I care, I just want him to be well."

Yes, I go on the defensive when anyone raises this issue. The trauma my child and I went through means I'm bloody well entitled to retaliate against judgement. No one said the BF Mafia were the majority. They're just loud.

Full term? I do judge women who breastfeed beyond when it's required. It just seems like you're doing it for yourself rather than your child or to make a point to the women who don't. Look at me, I'm so selfless and worthy, why don't you feed your child like I can?

As for the breastfeeding mafia, the hundreds of comments here would suggest they do exist.

@ButterMyParsnip

So it's unacceptable for someone to be judged for formula feeding but ok for you to judge and belittle this mum?

@TeeedleDum yes

@ButterMyParsnip That... makes no sense.

What, there were multiple occasions of people you know being called paedophiles for breastfeeding? Really?

I don't think you know anything about or have any experience of breastfeeding.
No woman breastfeeds for herself. Those who bf an older baby or toddler usually do so at night only and in privacy of their own home. Therefore not really to an audience. P

Also your comments prove my point that there is so much stigma and hate towards bf"ing women .
It's so sad that uk bfeeding rates are so low.

My son has thrived from being lucky enough to have had full term breastfeeding

@Greetingsfellows your experience sounds similar to mine, except that as well as family judging me I also had medical professionals like the HV. It's so fucking scary when they lose weight, you KNOW it's not working but people don't believe you. My twins didn't lose 20% though, that's terrifying. I think one was 12% and one 14% or so. Like you I was told by a peadatrician in hospital to give formula top ups but then when we were discharged (late at night with no formula because NHS don't provide it and we had been told not to have any at home in case we were "tempted" to use it) and they'd gained we were told by the HV to stop the top ups or they would reject the breast due to confusion and they lost weight again.
What an absolute shit show. I honestly have no idea why so many people bang on about the benefits of BF so much. I mean sure it's natural and it's the intended food but some people who absolutely CANNOT provide enough nutrition to keep their baby/ babies healthy are gaslighted repeatedly by everyone around them. It actually makes you think you're going mad.

@Splishsplashsplooshsplosh there are benefits of BF'ing, if you manage to get it established, but of course if you don't then it's never going to be a positive experience for you (or your baby). I'm sorry things were so hard for you, that sounds a bit scary and confusing.

Sensible advice is that more offering/feeding can produce more milk, but it also sometimes doesn't (for a whole host of reasons) - a health practitioner should inform you of this, give you the choice of trying to increase supply, and offer advice on alternatives (formula/combination) should you not want to do this/not be able to (including a sensible time point to say 'enough is (not) enough'!). A crying baby not getting enough is stressful and upsetting, and having twins would not have just made it even harder!

A little post birth weight loss is also normal, and we should be made aware of that too, but clearly not to excessive levels!

While I would speak about the benefits of BF'ing, I always add if you can/if you want to, and that FF'ing is the best way forward for some mothers/families.

I hope the babies are doing well now.

It’s not really a waste of money. It’s being prepared. It’s not a particularly large expense anyway. If she doesn’t use the formula, she can pass it on. If she doesn’t use the steriliser and bottles, she can sell them. That’s what I did anyway. She may want to pump later or move on to formula later, in which the bottles will be used.

Not buying these things in case they jeopardise breastfeeding seems more like superstition than common sense to me.

Having bf 3 children (2006-2010) and then 2016 - 2018) I strongly believe the bf mafia are actually women who didn't exclusively bf, had to stop and are (for reasons unknown) bitter about it. I've only met fairly chill bf women. But the ones I've encountered who've interrogated me about feeding and seemed weirdly invested turn out to have had bad experiences, kind of sad really, maybe the support wasn't there that they needed, maybe they have guilt?

My ex husband was a nightmare, I remember overhearing him describe bottle formula as the same as McDonald's to a friend either a pregnant partner so I hit the roof and assured his partner that ex was talking shit. Similarly judgy git Jamie Oliver made some comment about laziness and I could have punched him. Women need support for whatever they want to do and support if those plans change.

And yes, I have heard a woman questioning if she should breastfeed her son as her cousin had called her a paedophile and said its 'damaging' to their future sexual understanding (we asked more yep this cousin was so monumentally stupid they thought bf ing a child means they'd never have 'natural' interest in women and thought boys and girls would be gay, I can't even unpack that level of stupidity to be frank). Thankfully the room of women (all feeding options represented) assured her the cousin was a dick with their own issues!

GoodOldEmmaNess

Absolutely fine to correct an error, but it felt all like a crusade to her.
even when it was obvious that a customer had just dumped a box of formula on the wrong shelf, this woman would take it upon herself to lecture anyone that would listen.( sometimes I thought she just moved things around so she would have something to moan about)

That could be a simple information gathering exercise which could be helpful for improving services. OTOH, it is indicative of women’s experience that it is perceived as applying more pressure.