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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

305 replies

Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 00:30

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

OP posts:
Islandgirl68 · 23/10/2023 19:02

Absolutely not, how boring for a 3 year old. Yes sitting nicely while having a meal, but just sitting about and chatting as adults isnotreally what a 3 year old wants to do. They need to entertained in some way. Either getting to plat outside go to the park, bring toys etc with you.

BungleandGeorge · 23/10/2023 19:06

It’s not fair to expect preteens to entertain your son, they’re not babysitters! I’d expect the adults to make an effort with him but there’s a limit to how much they can be expected to entertain him. Can you take him for a runaround or walk and get rid of some energy and then do a quieter activity? Or everyone go for a walk?

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 19:08

I know exactly how you feel @Boymumgettingby - this is just how it is with my in-laws (me and the kids on the floor in the hallway, everyone else on a sofa in the living room). I too wonder why the three of us bother going! It’s not a problem for me because my in-laws wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway but I wish they made more of an effort with the kids. Sending sympathy!

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 19:11

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 18:58

😂 The worst when parents don’t realise their kids are being a PITA…

Kids are just mini people and ALL people can be PITAs.

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Yes! And recognising poor behaviour from anyone of them is important

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 19:16

Kids aren’t just mini people though. A 3-year-old does not have the same neural development as an adult (this is science, not opinion) so it’s unfair to have the same expectations of them.

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 19:16

My MIL always used to say she was coming over to see the Dc but would talk about herself . My DC would feel a bit shortchanged but that’s life! My DM would be on the floor pretending to be a slug. People are different.

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 19:21

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 19:16

My MIL always used to say she was coming over to see the Dc but would talk about herself . My DC would feel a bit shortchanged but that’s life! My DM would be on the floor pretending to be a slug. People are different.

Edited

Agreed - people are sometimes good with kids at different ages. OP’s GPS might be great with DS when he reaches the age of his older cousins. They might not be the on the floor being slugs type 😂

Mumto2kids86 · 23/10/2023 19:21

There’s a difference between sitting quietly and joining in adult conversation and running riot being ridiculously loud. Take some more of his toys round. He can sit and occupy himself with Lego or whatever. Adults should play with him and ensure he’s not left out as it sounds like there are no other kids he can really play with.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 19:27

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 18:47

Jesus Christ of course kids can be a pita , if you can't see that then let me assure you. Your kids are definitely..

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Enjoy them when they are young it's when they are older they switch and turn into devils. When your darling little ones grow up to teenagers and hormones hit them you look back at when they were innocent little angels. Before you know it and your tongue is hanging out of your mouth at all the bullets you helped your child dodge they then turn round and say goodbye I don't need you anymore.

Enjoy your children no matter what there temperament is because eventually they won't need you anymore. They are little versions of ourselves 😕

Cornishclio · 23/10/2023 19:30

My DD and her husband taught their two children to use indoor voices in the house when they were toddlers. A bit unreasonable to expect a 3 year old to sit still and join in with adults though. When he starts running around can you take him in the garden? Sounds like visits are fraught though so maybe visit less if they don't engage with him.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 19:44

@Boymumgettingby Your pil sit in the dining room and you would be in the living room and garden. Do they sit in the other room intentionally?

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 21:05

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 19:44

@Boymumgettingby Your pil sit in the dining room and you would be in the living room and garden. Do they sit in the other room intentionally?

I imagine it happens like this: after everyone’s finished eating, OP’s DS gets fed up with sitting at the table so he gets down and OP goes with him to play elsewhere while everyone else stays chatting at the table. I do this with my kids so they don’t disturb the grown-up chat 🤷‍♀️

Honeychickpea · 23/10/2023 21:13

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 19:44

@Boymumgettingby Your pil sit in the dining room and you would be in the living room and garden. Do they sit in the other room intentionally?

I would intentionally sit in another room if there was a screaming child running around unchecked.

LimePi · 23/10/2023 21:32

@43ontherocksporfavor

i feel sorry for your children and grandchildren. Do you imagine you live in Buckingham palace? 🤣

saraclara · 23/10/2023 21:34

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 21:05

I imagine it happens like this: after everyone’s finished eating, OP’s DS gets fed up with sitting at the table so he gets down and OP goes with him to play elsewhere while everyone else stays chatting at the table. I do this with my kids so they don’t disturb the grown-up chat 🤷‍♀️

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Yep. That's what we always did at family gatherings at my PILs. They had a big dining table that we'd all squeeze around for our meal, and then carry on sitting there to chat. It was more convivial than sitting on the living room. Over the years, the kids would graduate from wandering off to the living room to play with their toys or each other, to actually hanging around and joining in the conversation.

When my MIL went into a care home with dementia a few years after my FIL, and the house had to be cleared, one of the few things that we couldn't face getting rid of was that dining table. So many happy times and gatherings of geographically scattered loved ones had happened around that table. The now adult kids were almost more emotionally attached to it than we were, and my nephew gave it a home in the end.

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 21:55

@saraclara That’s a lovely story. I can’t imagine my children or me being quite so attached to my PIL’s dining room table, having spent a lot of time there with my (childless) SIL correcting my kids’ grammar and asking DH when they’re going to start eating more vegetables, MIL constantly comparing my kids’ achievements unfavourably with those of BIL’s kids, and all of them generally turning every conversation into an intellectual p!ssing contest…

Katiebaby3009 · 23/10/2023 22:47

Grandparents are being unreasonable. When I take my 3 year old to family, if they don’t have toys I will bring some and he generally behaves. But if cousins are there, he can get a bit overexcited which is totally normal. If anyone judged me or my parenting or expected my 3 year old to sit quietly, I wouldn’t visit them!

SeulementUneFois · 23/10/2023 22:58

MargaretThursday · 23/10/2023 13:17

It does come across to me as though you think the older girls should go and entertain him so you can sit and have adult conversation.

My girls are older than cousins and normally love playing with their you her cousins. There was only one family who seemed to expect it and they are the ones they really don't want to do it with, because they get the blame, and complaints if they have had enough.

When mine were that age I'd have packed some quiet things to do and expect that I would be doing some of the playing. It normally worked as dh took them out for a short time to get out the running around and shouting, then I'd do the quieter things inside.

OP

That's my impression too....

DontBeADick11 · 23/10/2023 23:07

Woooowwwww you are the worst

Mutters123 · 23/10/2023 23:15

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 18:58

😂 The worst when parents don’t realise their kids are being a PITA…

Kids are just mini people and ALL people can be PITAs.

Show quote history

Well said! 👏
Of course a 3 year old (assuming no SEN) is old enough to know that it’s not acceptable to run around screaming in someone else’s house! 🙄 OP - If you don’t teach him that now then you can expect less invites to other people’s houses not just the in-laws! Not saying he has to be an angel but that sort of behaviour and noise on a regular basis must be driving the rest of the family mad if they’re making a point of sitting in a different room! They’re being far more polite than I would be!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 23/10/2023 23:40

Tourmalines · 23/10/2023 01:52

Our 3 year old dgc comes around a lot . We have a great bond . We chat constantly and have great communication with her . But every now and again she may start running and shouting or more like screaming. So it’s not the attention she’s craving . It’s just fun for her . I definitely will tell her to stop . It’s ear wrenching and it’s not on . Who wants to listen to that ? You need to teach your son etiquette.

This.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 24/10/2023 01:06

It depends. It does sound like you're the type who never tell their children to be quiet, ever. In which case, you need to realise that just because you are used to ignoring the noise, not everyone else is and nor should they have to be.

I think it's unreasonable of them to expect a 3yr old to join in adult conversations (What the fuck?!?!) but allowing him to be loud in someone else's home is completely unacceptable.

I have a child with ASD and I've managed to encourage her to keep her voice down enough that she doesn't need reminding anymore. So if I can manage that with a child with additional needs, then I don't see why it can’t be achieved with a neurotypical child. Obviously I have no idea whether your child is neurotypical or neurodiverse but my point remains.

I was in a shop recently and a Dad was stood with his son who was talking so loudly he was practically shouting and at no point did the father try to quieten him down. Absolutely no respect was given for other people there (including my Autistic child who is sensitive to noise). All they had to do was ask him to use his "inside voice" but nope.

Please just be more mindful of the impact of his noise, on others around you.

user1492757084 · 24/10/2023 05:44

You and your husband need to intervene and distract your son from running and shouting. You could teach him some quiet games, interesting things to share with his relatives and show him how to socialise respectfully inside. Build with blocks, play a card game, build a road network or trains and play quietly with vehicles, volunteer to make pikelets for everyone with your son etc. etc.

If he stays running and shouting you need to direct him outside to play. If he can't play outside by himself then you play ball with him or walk the dog etc.
If he becomes all too hard to handle just know that it's time to leave.
Inside visiting is for quiet and you are the ones to socialise your son in polite behaviour.

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 06:57

Surley they have to find middle ground as well.what is the point visiting if you and dh are segregated with a 3 year old and stressed out trying to keep him quiet??

Sounds pointless to me and never something I would be doing.

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 06:59

I just cannot believe some of the responses on here. Op your son tearing around a restaurant or cafe is one of thing but this is suposed to be his family!!

Don't. Go.