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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

305 replies

Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 00:30

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

OP posts:
saraclara · 24/10/2023 07:55

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 06:59

I just cannot believe some of the responses on here. Op your son tearing around a restaurant or cafe is one of thing but this is suposed to be his family!!

Don't. Go.

Family should be able to carry on conversations without a small child being over loud and disruptive.

If a child is dominating a get together of nine or ten people, then that needs managing. As I said before, it's very easy for even a well behaved three year old to become the focus of everyone's attention, to the detriment of the rest of the wider family's experience. And even the most involved grandparents and aunts and uncles deserve to have some adult conversation during a multi generation get together.

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 08:02

It takes a village??

Where is the help and consideration for the 3 year old parents who may welcome someone else stepping in and keeping the children entertainment.

I cannot imagine having my older dd over with small dc and expecting them to keep my gc silent so I can have adult conversation.

That would be cruel and selfish and I wouldn't be surprised if they stopped coming.

saffy2 · 24/10/2023 08:34

YANBU but I would always take toys for my little ones when visiting family, to keep them
occupied and quiet. Books/sticker books/drawing things and a tablet/iPad mainly. And I would generally entertain them myself while the conversation is going on around me.

43ontherocksporfavor · 24/10/2023 08:44

Quiet does not mean silent. Having to raise your voice and not be able relax because a child is shouting and running about a house where there are tables and ornaments is not ok. Normal child chatter while he plays with a train set for example is absolutely fine. It’s always extremes on MN.

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 08:48

@saffy2

I'm struggling to see the point of your or your child being there (apologie if you are the nanny)

If I had to sit quietly with my dc whilst visiting in laws I wouldn't go again

saffy2 · 24/10/2023 08:54

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 08:48

@saffy2

I'm struggling to see the point of your or your child being there (apologie if you are the nanny)

If I had to sit quietly with my dc whilst visiting in laws I wouldn't go again

No I’m not the nanny, I am the mother. The parent of the child, so yeah I do kind of see it as my responsibility to look after my children, even if their grandparents are there. 😂 I don’t see it as ok for my kids to be running around screaming around other peoples houses. So I pre empt that by keeping them entertained and playing with them. Often it’s not by myself as other people there also want to play with them. But no, I don’t just take my kids to other peoples houses and not take anything for them to do there and then allow them to run around screaming while people are trying to talk. I don’t see how that makes me the kids nanny and not their mum 😂🤷🏽‍♀️

saffy2 · 24/10/2023 08:55

And no I do not mean the kids have to be silent. But running around screaming is not ok in my opinion. But my kids haven’t ever done that, because I take things for them to do so that they’re not bored.

Autumnleaves89 · 24/10/2023 09:05

Screaming and shouting isn’t ok. If you allow this, then your kid ends up dominating the entire day. Nobody can have a conversation over that din. There’s nothing wrong with encouraging your child to display more appropriate indoor behaviour-he should be learning to join in conversations at his age. I also wouldn’t be expecting a 9 and 12 year old to play with a three year old, either. YABU.

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 09:09

So neither of you interact with others there, so why are you there so, people can point to you in the corner and say "looks at my lovely nephew /gc".

Baba197 · 24/10/2023 09:49

3 is young to sit and chat with adults for more than a few minutes but being allowed to run around shouting is unacceptable in someone else’s house. Take toys that engage him and try get the grandparents to sit and play with him even if only for a short time. My son is very active but he isn’t allowed to run around shouting at other peoples houses. If they’re shushing him then either he’s very loud or they’re very intolerant. If it’s the latter then go over less and suggest they meet you somewhere for a coffee he can run around - park, soft play. Zoo etc. if former then you need to start teaching him how to behave there- indoor voice, no running around, toys that he will sit and play with, even specific things that stay at their house and are his special toys he plays with only at their house. So many parents seem to think their children should be allowed to just do what they want these days and in my view that’s totally unacceptable

frenchfries111 · 24/10/2023 10:05

We went to visit some elderly friends of DH when DD was about 4/5.
We sat talking having a drink whilst DD sat on the lawn and played with some toys. She was very quiet and happy (very long car journey so relieved to be out).
Apparently they were furious and DD should have sat the table (and listened to their various medical issues/procedures in detail). They’d also bought foods that if she ate would put her in hospital, but her not trying them was rude.
Luckily we didn’t go again. Some older people expect children to be mini-adults.

milkywinterdisorder · 24/10/2023 10:19

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 08:48

@saffy2

I'm struggling to see the point of your or your child being there (apologie if you are the nanny)

If I had to sit quietly with my dc whilst visiting in laws I wouldn't go again

I have this discussion with my DH all the time. I point out his family treats me like a nanny, he says it’s my fault for acting like one, I ask whether he’d prefer me to sit with his family and let our kids do whatever they like (like his BIL does), and so it goes on.

I think some of the people on this thread having a go at OP need to consider how it feels for her and her child to be part of a gathering where they basically feel unwelcome. Forget the running around and the shouting for just a moment and think about how it feels to hear your child’s grandparents say they only want to interact with him if he’s able to engage in adult conversation - otherwise, off he and OP go to another part of the house. It’s a pretty sad approach to have to your grandchildren.

RosesAndHellebores · 24/10/2023 11:28

Is it that though? When SILs boy was three he was allowed to run through the house like a mini tornado, shouting, pushing over chairs, generally causing potential damage. The issue was that SIL did nothing to stop him, divert him or disengage him. She was perfectly happy for him to damage things and behave disgracefully. Our DC were 4.5 and 2 at the time and didn't behave like that. We didn't expect them to have adult conversations but we did expect them to be civilised.

RoyalImpatience · 24/10/2023 11:37

@frenchfries111

Who does want to sit and listen to medical issues in detail 😂😂😷😷😭

saffy2 · 24/10/2023 12:09

RosesAndHellebores · 24/10/2023 11:28

Is it that though? When SILs boy was three he was allowed to run through the house like a mini tornado, shouting, pushing over chairs, generally causing potential damage. The issue was that SIL did nothing to stop him, divert him or disengage him. She was perfectly happy for him to damage things and behave disgracefully. Our DC were 4.5 and 2 at the time and didn't behave like that. We didn't expect them to have adult conversations but we did expect them to be civilised.

Exactly this. There are ways of keeping your toddler from running and screaming (ops own words!) without them having to sit silently and listen to adult conversation. But when I’ve described them apparently I’m the child’s nanny and not their mother 😂😂😂😂😂🤦🏽‍♀️

milkywinterdisorder · 24/10/2023 12:53

OP did say “just to clarify we do play with him the whole time we are there” and “I don’t expect anyone to entertain him”. So she is not “doing nothing” to stop him or divert him.

LAMPS1 · 24/10/2023 12:59

OP, in your first post you asked…..
“Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?”
And then most of us answered that it’s unreasonable and sad he is expected to stay quiet and no it’s not normal but it’s not their job to engage with him, it’s yours, so do take toys/books with you to entertain him so that he isn’t running around shouting and needing to be hushed by others which isn’t acceptable.

Then you updated stating that yes of course you do accept it’s your job and do already engage with him and take toys etc with you to keep him entertained….
“I am the mother. The parent of the child, so yeah I do kind of see it as my responsibility to look after my children, even if their grandparents are there. 😂 I don’t see it as ok for my kids to be running around screaming around other peoples houses. So I pre empt that by keeping them entertained and playing with them.”

So if you preempt it all and already engage with him what is the AIBU ?

Why then, do they hush him if he isn’t being loud -running around shouting and screaming?

If your dc IS running around being loud, then engage with him so that he isn’t or take him out of their environment.

If your AIBU is -are they right to think he should be silent at age 3, then I say again, they are being unreasonable and I wouldn’t take him there any more as their expectations are impossible to meet which isn’t fair on him.
Certainly not fair to expect him to sit through a meal without trying to join in the social gathering at his own appropriate stage of development.

milkywinterdisorder · 24/10/2023 13:46

@LAMPS1 The poster you’re quoting there isn’t the OP. OP has updated to say that she and her DH do play with their child (while also looking after their younger child). OP’s point, in her later posts, was that it seems a shame to get the whole family together but for her/her DH/her kids not to be able to engage with the wider family because the only way the rest of the family seem able to interact is through adult conversation.

Personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grandparent to say “here boymumgettingby, why don’t I play with my grandson for a bit while you go and get a drink and catch up with your nieces”. That would make far more sense than OP and her DH being so preoccupied with their own children that none of them get to interact with anyone else, surely?

PansyP · 24/10/2023 16:03

Everyone else in your family sounds stuck up. My parents want their home to be an extension of my children's own home so they feel loved and relaxed and safe to be themselves. They dont run amok but 3 year olds are 3 year olds. You're not out in a restaurant or anything. If they expect him to sit quietly then stop going.

saffy2 · 24/10/2023 16:04

LAMPS1 · 24/10/2023 12:59

OP, in your first post you asked…..
“Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?”
And then most of us answered that it’s unreasonable and sad he is expected to stay quiet and no it’s not normal but it’s not their job to engage with him, it’s yours, so do take toys/books with you to entertain him so that he isn’t running around shouting and needing to be hushed by others which isn’t acceptable.

Then you updated stating that yes of course you do accept it’s your job and do already engage with him and take toys etc with you to keep him entertained….
“I am the mother. The parent of the child, so yeah I do kind of see it as my responsibility to look after my children, even if their grandparents are there. 😂 I don’t see it as ok for my kids to be running around screaming around other peoples houses. So I pre empt that by keeping them entertained and playing with them.”

So if you preempt it all and already engage with him what is the AIBU ?

Why then, do they hush him if he isn’t being loud -running around shouting and screaming?

If your dc IS running around being loud, then engage with him so that he isn’t or take him out of their environment.

If your AIBU is -are they right to think he should be silent at age 3, then I say again, they are being unreasonable and I wouldn’t take him there any more as their expectations are impossible to meet which isn’t fair on him.
Certainly not fair to expect him to sit through a meal without trying to join in the social gathering at his own appropriate stage of development.

youve quoted me here…I’m not the op.

Missjd87 · 24/10/2023 16:34

Literally anyone that tells you you are being unreasonable is incorrect.

It’s actually in the sentence that was said to your husband.

”he should sit and join the adult conversation”

He a toddler! He’s literally a child. A happy, boisterous child.

I kind of get the running indoors but but that’s more for a safety thing rather than a completely unrealistic expectation of a child.

Honestly the in laws would never see my child again.

Maybe87 · 24/10/2023 16:39

No that it is not a normal expectation from a 3 year old. My son who is 3,5 year old is loud as well if we are at a visit with only adult rules and expectations, then I’m becoming a child myself and play with my son. Don’t get me wrong i don’t have the energy to do that for many hours but I have found out if I play with him then he is happy and calms down and watch a bit of blipi or YouTubekids and then we start again playing together again etc

LAMPS1 · 24/10/2023 16:43

milkywinterdisorder · 24/10/2023 13:46

@LAMPS1 The poster you’re quoting there isn’t the OP. OP has updated to say that she and her DH do play with their child (while also looking after their younger child). OP’s point, in her later posts, was that it seems a shame to get the whole family together but for her/her DH/her kids not to be able to engage with the wider family because the only way the rest of the family seem able to interact is through adult conversation.

Personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grandparent to say “here boymumgettingby, why don’t I play with my grandson for a bit while you go and get a drink and catch up with your nieces”. That would make far more sense than OP and her DH being so preoccupied with their own children that none of them get to interact with anyone else, surely?

Sorry to all for my mistake.
Yes I agree, the wider family not engaging with the child and simply shushing him, especially if his mum is trying hard to occupy him, is very unwelcoming.
I wouldn’t want to take him back there.

Veeee24 · 24/10/2023 17:24

I wouldn’t say a three year old should be able to sit and engage in adult conversation. Let’s face it that’s really boring! But other people are right there’s got to be some middle ground of playing with some toys or colouring etc rather than running around shouting.
My parents in law have a couple of smaller toy boxes they get our when the kids are round.
It’s also worth saying that if they aren’t willing to engage with him what’s the point in them seeing him, that’s just a recipe for resenting his boring snappy grandparents in a few years. It’s a balance, no the whole visit shouldn’t be about him but equally just expecting him to sit there bored out of his mind isn’t fair either.

Bex5490 · 24/10/2023 17:30

I’m surprised that the GPS have no toys for him at their house though…

OP - maybe you could bring a collection of toys to leave there that you know DS will be excited to play with.

My DS only has numberblocks (which he LOVES) at my MILs so when we go round he is excited to see them and instantly entertained for long enough that we can have a bit of grown up time.

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