To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

[Boymumgettingby]

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

At no point does she say he’s screaming. He me behaving like a 3.5 year old should.

Normal chatter while he plays with a train set 😂 omg I cannot believe some of the responses on here to a 3 year old excited boy playing. What a fun time children must have at some of the houses. It’s simple don’t go. You would not shust my child and embrass them in front of everyone.

Out of curiousity you mention he speaks loudly could he have a hearing impairment. I talk loudly because I am half deaf. Worth a thought or he may just be an excited little boy who likes to be heard by everyone.

When my DC were toddlers, we were usually the first people to leave family visits. We would generally make it through a meal together with everyone around the dining table and then everyone would move to the living room. My DH and I would take turns playing quietly with our children while everyone visited with each other. When our little ones needed more rambunctious activities, we would end the visit. We often had separate visits with grandparents or other family in places where running around and being noisy was appropriate like a playground.

My DC are now older and want to stay for conversation. I don’t make them go play with the younger children. I’ve also told relatives with younger children the rate mine charge for babysitting when they’ve tried to insist mine entertain their DC.

Adult conversations? Sounds boring as xxxx
I'd be off to the park with 3y and leave them to it.

All I can suggest is bring plenty of games and activities for the little guy, and take him to another room when he can't be quiet enough, and keep him company there. That said, I have fond memories of when I was a busy, noisy, chatterbox, more than 62 years ago. When visiting my Grandparents and grand aunts, when my non stop chattering became more than they could stand, they would send me in to visit my Great Uncle Charlie. Uncle Charlie was a bit of a recluse, and mostly kept to his own room when we visited. He had multiple physical disabilities, but his mind was sharp. He would greet me, and then continue reading whatever newspaper or book he was reading. I would sit on the arm of his chair, chattering away, content to have his somewhat divided attention. Years later, I realized why my constant chatter didn't bother him. Uncle Charlie was completely deaf since infancy. He would smile, and nod, content to endure my company, and give the other grown-ups a break.

Err, he's 3 FFS!! Let kids be kids because the old adeage of entertaining them 24/7 has done exactly what to GenZ? As you were ....

The grandparents are totally out of touch and clearly have zero perspective of what it’s like to have a 3 year old around. I can’t imagine in what world anyone with any sense would expect a 3 year old to have the mental capacity to sit quietly and engage in the adult conversation. Are they out of their minds?

There is nothing wrong with explaining to him that he doesn’t need to shout for people to be able to hear him, and of course you should intervene where necessary if the behaviour gets a bit to boisterous. But seriously they are expecting a 3 year old whose brain is nowhere near fully developed to be able to make rational decisions to
sit quietly and participate in the adult
interaction.

Sounds to me like they need to get a grip. Sorry OP, it’s not nice to have to deal with that at all. Poor little one.

Well if your in laws have said themselves that they don't like him running around and shouting , then maybe if you guys love going for visits , take toys to keep him busy and as someone said there is loud and LOUD so maybe train him to do less shouting
hmmn not sure if that can be done with a 3 yr old though but if you mentioned when he is with other people he is not used to he doesn't shout so that means it's possible that he can be trained not to shout too much 😀

I’ll shush my 3.5 year old if I’m trying to have a conversation with somebody and she’s trying to talk to me/them, but if she’s just making noise in the background then yes I would allow it.

Expecting toddlers to sit and have adult conversation what’s that about….

Sorry to gender stereotype but 2 little granddaughters came first and IL only have recent experience of girls. Girls tend to be quieter and play quieter games plus the fact that their toddler days are quite a while ago, and memories fade! Your ds is 3. He’s still a baby. If they can’t accept this fact, stop visiting until they do or your children are 9 + 12. It’s their loss. Leave it to your DH to pass on this message

Yes, just how loud? Do you remind him to use his 'inside voice' and take age appropriate toys/activities for him? He can't be expected to sit still and engage in adult conversation, but you also need to make sure he isn't being too loud etc.

There will always be some noise with kids but having a 3 yr old running around someone else’s house shouting isn’t ok. Also he will have to learn “inside/outside voice “ stuff at school and he’s of an age where boundaries around that will be helpful . Kids learn quickly so maybe you could say “ this is a house where we are quieter “ and take him for a walk if he can’t do that. I’m presuming he doesn’t have additional needs which prevent him being calmer ?

I don’t know any 3 year olds who can sit and join in adult conversation

its a shame when kids are criticised for being kids

at 3 they don’t yet have the ability to control their excitement. But give it a year or two and things will change. By then your baby will be annoying them 😂

perhaps just cut visits short or breK them up with a walk to the park

its their loss

I haven’t read the thread so sorry if this has been said but yes he is three and he will be noisy at times but you will also find that the further you get from the toddler years (or any other stage) the less used to it you are. I am sorry to say the tolerance does reduce. This has happened for your in laws and SIL and will happen to you. So a bit of mutual understanding all round really. You’re not wrong but neither are the others.

I have this with very young kids excited to see relatives they don’t get to see often but family don’t want to play or engage ( unless it’s on their own level). So we end up chasing the kids who are then completely full of energy to lots of raised eyebrows and sighs from the other adults. We just avoid these get togethers mainly now because I end up stressed with the kids just for doing normal kid stuff which feels unfair on them.

YANBU.
let me get this right. Your boy is 3.5yo and "they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations"?

Hahahahahahahahaha

I wouldn't expect a 3yr old to sit still and engage in adult conversation, however, I absolutely would not be able to tolerate someone's 3yr old shouting and being loud. It would go right through me. I had to temporarily stop seeing my friend's daughter as her loudness wrecked my head, her mum tried her best to ask her to be quieter but nothing worked other than she grew out of it thank fuck.

I would not expect you to "tell him off", either, he's 3, but I would be encouraging him to keep his volume level down, take him out of the room and play with him elsewhere if no one else wants to engage with him.

I voted YABU as you don't seem to realise how irritating it is when people let their toddlers be extremely loud.

You don’t need to discipline him unless he is misbehaving - being a bit loud isn’t misbehaving and if he can sit through a meal nicely that’s a massive win. But you do need to distract him and entertain him when the food is done - you have to accept that “visiting”, when in an environment like this, means one of you holding the baby and trying to carry on an adult conversation while the other one of you gets out the Lego/train tracks or whatever you have brought for him to play with. Have some toys in reserve that he doesn’t play with constantly at home and engage him in play once he has finished eating. It’s really nice when there are other children who will do that and give the adults some downtime, but if his cousins are a bit older and don’t want to do it right now, then it’s down to you and DP. Don’t stay too long, don’t go more often than you’d like and don’t expect it to be a lovely adult catch up. Your son shouldn’t be made to feel bad for wanting to play, you just need to facilitate it. If your in laws complain they don’t get to catch up with you then either remind them that it’s hard to juggle small ones and grown up chats or send DP (less often) by himself.

The thing is the intolerance of noise at a very young age is what drives parents to give children an ipad. Maybe it's better to have noisy children who run around than children who spend hours on ipads. Also good children always mean quiet, obedient children. That doesn't always equate to caring or resilient. They are just the sort of children, adults can tolerate the best. It is irritating which children are loud and there are often ways of keeping children occupied; but that means engaging them, not ignoring them and just expecting them to be quiet.

Yanbu

How is a 3 year old expected to sit and join in with adult conversations?.

Just visit less and make your boundaries clear if they ask why. "We don't want our son to be shushed or seen and not heard. We respect your expectations but ours are different so until he is old enough to meet your expectations we are visiting less".

There is a world of difference between a 3 year old making noise whilst engaged in play and a 3 year old running about and screaming because they aren't the centre of attention.

I'd find it irritating too.

Take games, toys, drawing... whatever floats his boat so he can play and enjoy himself. You'll probably find that other family members will join in his play too.

How about visiting grandparents at a time when the others are not there. That way they have time to give him the attention he seeks and he will not need to rely on shouting to get it.

@samqueens It’s really nice when there are other children who will do that and give the adults some downtime, but if his cousins are a bit older and don’t want to do it right now, then it’s down to you and DP.

Why does it have to be the cousins or the parents? You’d think the grandparents would want to actually engage with their grandson a bit…

What do you mean by loud? Is he just raising hisi voice in the hope of getting some attention or is he careering round screaming and shouting in a manic state?
Children should be taught to be civilised but I also think it's unreasonable to expect a 3 year old to sit and behave like an adult. Don't your parents-in-law want to spend time with the little boy and interact with him? Weird people!!!