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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my 3 year old to be noisy at his grandparents’ house?

305 replies

Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 00:30

I have 2 boys aged 3.5 and 14 months. My 3.5 year old can be shy around new people and takes a while to warm up and get to know people, but when he is comfortable he can be boisterous and often loud. Lately when we have seen my in laws (including my husband’s sister, her husband and their 2 older girls), we have found that they have all been getting annoyed with my son, shushing him and telling him to be quiet. He doesn’t see his cousins much and when he does he is super excited to play with them. Previously they have played nicely with him, but lately that has changed and they prefer to sit with the adults and talk. I have no problem with that, but when they all start shushing my son I feel sorry for him and don’t know what to do. My husband spoke to his parents about it and they have said they would expect him to be able to sit and join in adult conversations and that it’s not acceptable for him to run around their house and shout. To clarify, these events have not been in public places, only at family members’ houses and whilst we agree that he has a loud voice, he has still sat and eaten with everyone and only runs and shouts afterwards. I feel he is doing this because he is not getting attention, as the focus is heavily on my sister in law and her girls, but my in laws seem to think we are being unreasonable and need to change his behaviour. Is it normal to expect a 3.5 year old to sit through adult conversations and not to want to run around and play? Is it fair for us to expect his relations to try to engage with him and play with him rather than shushing him or should we be telling him off for being loud around them?

OP posts:
Homesweethome23 · 23/10/2023 14:26

Obviously he is too young to join in adult conversation completely, probably a couple of questions such as how is pre school/friends then that’s it but I wouldnt be letting him run around the house being noisy either. Take a book/toy that he will sit with.
His cousins are now at an age where they want to sit down and talk with grandparents and not play with a boisterous 3 year old.

ColleenDonaghy · 23/10/2023 14:32

MargaretThursday · 23/10/2023 13:17

It does come across to me as though you think the older girls should go and entertain him so you can sit and have adult conversation.

My girls are older than cousins and normally love playing with their you her cousins. There was only one family who seemed to expect it and they are the ones they really don't want to do it with, because they get the blame, and complaints if they have had enough.

When mine were that age I'd have packed some quiet things to do and expect that I would be doing some of the playing. It normally worked as dh took them out for a short time to get out the running around and shouting, then I'd do the quieter things inside.

I was wondering if perhaps the older DGD have been given permission to sit and chat with the adults rather than mind their little cousin. Fair enough really.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2023 14:35

Why are you letting him run around the house? And I say that as a mother of 3.5 yo twins who came out wild so I'm not suggesting he should be joining in the family chat on the state of Politics! But isn't isn't ok for you and your partner to permit him to be running around screaming.

If he won't sit still (drawing paper and pens, suitable game on a tablet, selection of toys for imaginative play etc) then one of you takes him elsewhere (garden of suitable). Otherwise I'd stop going.

Let DH take the baby until he's old enough to run around wild and then take them back when they're old enough to behave in a way that suits your hosts.

If they come to you on the other hand, they get no say.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/10/2023 14:54

LimePi · 23/10/2023 13:08

@Bex5490

why is it not appropriate to run around and shout in excitement (eg in a game) indoors at your own home??? Especially at 3 years old? Heck, this is not wrong even at older age
its just weird British expectation, not a universally acknowledged level of “appropriateness”, probably coming from Victorian “children must be seen but not heard”
not all cultures agree that all indoor play has to be quiet or otherwise it is not appropriate

It’s not his home, it’s his GPS home. It’s fairly obvious that no one else , including two other children, find the shouting ‘appropriate’.

Perhaps ‘other cultures ‘ agree that a small boy running around shouting so loudly that the other people present cannot talk to each other is wonderful, but it’s really pretty irrelevant to this discussion.

beanii · 23/10/2023 15:05

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 12:33

@beaniiAmazes me how parents don’t teach children to sit quietly

You can’t teach a child to do something they’re not developmentally able to do. Everything I’ve read suggests a three-year-old can’t sit still for much longer than about ten minutes (and that’s at the higher end - many will manage much less and that’s still normal). It’s unfair to expect a child to do something their brain is not yet wired to do - or to blame their parents for not making them to do it.

(Before lots of people say “well mine can sit still for three hours”, that’s lovely for you. Mine are pretty sedentary too. The point is you can’t expect the average child to sit still for long - this doesn’t mean none of them do.)

Edited

Funny though how in the last 20 years there's been a rapid decline in children sitting still - whether it's colouring, puzzles or the one I find the worst - sitting at a dinner table, particularly in a restaurant.

Let me guess - times have changed blah, blah blah?

Nope, just lazy parenting.

LimePi · 23/10/2023 15:09

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen

lots of people said they don’t allow this in their own homes either (for their own children)

@beanii

there has been a lot more research what is developmentally normal for children of specific ages so people adjusted their parenting according

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 23/10/2023 15:14

There’s a middle ground to be found here in my opinion.

It’s not fair (and mean) to shush and expect a 3 year old to sit there quietly and engage in adult conversation. It’s ridiculous in fact. However, it’s also not acceptable for you to allow him to run around and shout to get attention, especially at someone else’s house.

Either don’t visit or take things to keep his attention and stimulate him; toys, games, colouring books etc.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 15:24

All he wants is a bit of attention is that too much to ask. He probably gets frost bite in that house that's why he runs around making noise he needs to keep warm 🥶

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 15:29

This poor little mite looks at his books at the pictures of happy grandparents playing or reading to their grandchild and then there's reality. They show no interest in him.

Some people don't like children they have them but they can't wait for them to grow up.

HelenTherese2 · 23/10/2023 17:00

Your poor child.

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 17:07

Wouldn’t really expect grandparents to play. Read a story, take them out for a walk or to the park, make biscuits together etc but wouldn’t expect them to be on the floor playing cars. It’s boring.

rainbowstardrops · 23/10/2023 17:13

I wouldn't let him run around screaming and shouting because that isn't ok but it's not ok to expect a 3 year old to engage in adult conversation either!
Either take some colouring things/toys etc, or just avoid going.
My outlaws always put me on edge telling my dc not to touch things etc, so we stopped going. Simple!

Sennelier1 · 23/10/2023 17:16

I think a young child should be allowed to run and play. My grandsons (4 and 6, cousins not brothers) have learned very young to ask if they may leave the table. They eat with good tablemanners but don't like the after-dinner talks. A child can learn to not-scream of course, to play quietly or a bit further away from the table while other people are talking. It would be unreasonable to expect of the older children to play with your children if they prefer to sit and listen to adult-talk.

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 17:30

No child should be running inside a house.

PaperDoIIs · 23/10/2023 17:32

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 17:30

No child should be running inside a house.

Seriously? You've never played "I'm going to get you " type of games with your children inside?

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 17:33

Even at 3 they can be taught appropriate behaviour. There is a difference between excited and being a pain in the arse

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 17:35

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 17:33

Even at 3 they can be taught appropriate behaviour. There is a difference between excited and being a pain in the arse

This comment is sad is a 3 year old really a pain in the arse?

CrazyHamsterLady · 23/10/2023 17:36

He sounds like he’s being really annoying. Maybe you shouldn’t go anymore.

alrighthen · 23/10/2023 17:38

Imagine you're British and listening to a group of Chinese people chatting away for hours while you're expected to sit quietly in someone else's house with very little to do as others look at your disapprovingly. That's how the poor three year old feels.

You are not being unreasonable - they are. The only part of your question that sounded unreasonable was pointing out the sex of your kids (boys) in relation to their cousins (girls) My daughter would have been exactly the same at this age - excitable and noisy! My son would have been fine but he's a chilled, sleepy type so no special parenting required on my part!

milkywinterdisorder · 23/10/2023 17:54

Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 08:01

Thanks for the replies. I agree there is a middle ground and we will try to encourage him to be quieter. But just to clarify, we do play with him the whole time he is there, we have a younger child too and take it in turns to be with each of them and join in conversation where we can. We also take him outside and for walks. The girls are 12 and 9. I don’t expect anyone to entertain him but it seems a shame to visit and not really have much time with any of them. Going forward we will encourage quieter voices and take some games which might work. Thanks

I think your main point here, OP, is that the whole family meets up but you don’t get any time with anyone else because you’re busy entertaining your own children.

Your nieces are not dissimilar ages to mine, they get on well with my children, and they are the people I most want to see when my family meets up (they won’t always be this age, I see my parents independently, and my brother/SIL barely speak to me anyway). I usually find it’s not too hard to find something my kids and their cousins are all happy to play together (and with me!). Would something like that work for you? Personally I’m only too happy to be left out of the adult conversations, but if that’s not the case for you, maybe your SIL/BIL could swap places with you for a bit?

43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 18:02

@PaperDoIIs No! Not inside.

Original poster
Boymumgettingby · 23/10/2023 18:25

Thank you, yes I think that’s what we’ll try, to see if we can find something that he can do quietly which his cousins may or may not want to join in with. At the moment it feels quite segregated - SIL and BIL with grandparents in one room talking at the table and us in a separate room or outside playing with ours. Which makes it feel a little pointless but I appreciate that the adults also want to talk and catch up. I have no issue with that and definitely don’t expect anyone to entertain our children or to give them 100% of their attention all the time. Hopefully we can find some middle ground

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 23/10/2023 18:31

How refreshing OP that you’ve taken onboard opinions, so many people ask AIBU and won’t accept any criticism. It’s a good idea to encourage some times to be quieter in preparation for school and other situations. I used to take my two to church with my DM who couldn’t drive . They knew it was quiet time, only books and quiet toys allowed. If they made noise I’d take them outside.

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 18:47

Carpediemmakeitcount · 23/10/2023 17:35

This comment is sad is a 3 year old really a pain in the arse?

Show quote history

Jesus Christ of course kids can be a pita , if you can't see that then let me assure you. Your kids are definitely..

Bex5490 · 23/10/2023 18:58

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 18:47

Jesus Christ of course kids can be a pita , if you can't see that then let me assure you. Your kids are definitely..

Show quote history

😂 The worst when parents don’t realise their kids are being a PITA…

Kids are just mini people and ALL people can be PITAs.