AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

Totally, totally reasonable. Stand your ground. He's a dick.

What a mess! I would start by getting locks on your door. You're housemates now he needs to get that. I'm so sorry.

put a lock on your door. Stop shopping for him.

Totally reasonable.

Put a lock on the bedroom door or something heavy behind it.
Put his clothes in the spare room..

Get all of his clothes into the spare room so he has no reason to come into your room. He's just trying to make you feel uncomfortable. And put a lock on the inside of your door, then he can't come in when you're in there and you can relax.

What a nasty little man. Get someone to fit a lock on your door when he's out. I'd just cook enough for the three of you tbh as he's just going to carry on taking the leftovers. If there is enough spare sometimes I'd just leave him to eat it as he sounds like it's more about the control than anything else. This does sound very tense though. Are you sure you're safe and there is no other option but putting up this for ages?

YANBU to stop doing work for him. Stop buying food for him and stop making extra food so he can’t take any, just make enough for DCs and yourself.

YABU thought to expect him to finance you in mat leave now though, he is right that you need to pay your share as you’re now separated.

Oh goodness I feel for you. I had to cohabit with my ex until I could find a new place. It was awful, especially the boundaries. Used to walk into the bathroom as I was getting undressed/into the bath then throw strops when I said he couldn’t do that anymore. Made crass comments and suggested we could still have sex even though we’d split. Moaned that I wasn’t making family meals anymore or wanted to spend the evenings with him.

You need legal advice going forward, believe me you can’t carry on in this way. It’s not good for you and the children will pick up on the horrible atmosphere.

It cuts both ways - yes he should respect your boundaries

But as you are now separated, and are dividing households, you need to start paying your own way. Now, not in a month's time. Can you bring forward your return to work?

Make sure he's paying half the childcare costs when you return to work

Most places require a months notice

Mine had moved out and still assumed I would do it ... 'what's the GP's/school's/dentist's telephone number?'. I told him I wasn't his fucking secretary. He got the huff 😂

YANBU at all, get a lock on your bedroom door.

This.

I think if you have the right to lay down ground rules (none of which are unreasonable in my opinion), he also has the right to say he isn't going to continue to fund everything, going forward.

It would be be nicer if he would, but as you seem to be treating him as effectively a lodger/housemate now, I can see his point.

Perhaps you could compromise? He continues to pay and you cook him a dinner until you go back to work? I would be looking at it from the point of view that he is still the kids dad, and if you alienate him too much at this stage and make it you and the kids in one corner and him in the other, he might be less willing to step up if needed when you go back to work.

If you are living as separate, you don't need to cook for him, he has no right to be in your soon to be locked bedroom, but you need to pay your own way.
You can't have it both ways

@VikingVolva I'm not sure I agree wih you there. I'm on zero pay as I'm off work looking after his child/ren. If I had months to go perhaps, but it's literally 4 weeks to my return. My youngest has a nursery place from my return date. Providing childcare is me 'paying my way' isn't it?

I think if you want him to continue financially supporting you staying home then there could be some compromise. I’d cook an extra portion of food. Who cares if he starves when you separate 😂 but I’d be putting my foot down with regards to the bedroom situation. That’s necessary for your sanity.

What does solicitor say?
You force sale under TOLATA and childrens act

I agree. It's not easy cohabiting and the entering of the bedroom is reprehensible.

The cooking however I'm not sure. If it's not extra work then I'd probably cook for everyone especially if you are expecting him to continue doing community things - mowing the lawn, emptying bins... the sort of things everyone benefits from. And you can't expect him to continue financing you but you don't continue to do shared things for him. It's got to be all it nothing not luck and choose

Move his clothes.
Fit a lock to your bedroom door.
Cook smaller batches.

Pick and choose

Gosh, the quicker you’re out of this situation the better this isn’t normal.

If he expects you to pay your way I assume he is also going to take on joint responsibility for new childcare arrangements so you can return to work earlier than expected?

Who initiated the split?

Absolutely you're paying your way by doing the childcare! People conveniently seem to forget this, pisses me right off.

Not really. There's more to it than that and you know it. You want to withdraw from everything you have been doing in the household for him (ie the previous fair split of responsibility) but are not standing on your own two feet in terms of paying your way. It's called having your cake and eating it.

I agree with other posters about the need to get decisively into separate bedrooms. But I think reallocation of household chores waits until you are working again/