AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

For the sake of your children, who are still young enough to have an entire lifetime of watching their parents act like shits towards one another, I'd suck it up for another month and just do whatever you've been doing while on mat leave.

Re-negotiate once you go back to work.

He can't stop you accessing your own equity in the longer term, but legal advice is more useful to you on this score than Mumsnet advice.

I had to do the same, fwiw, and it was hateful. But I did always know it would only ever be for a limited period, and it was in our children's interests for at least one of their parents not to be a complete bellend.

The only thing that isn't acceptable is him coming into your bedroom. Ideally, you need to tell him to move all his stuff into his own room, so there is no reason at all, ever, for him to be in your space. If he won't do this, then I'm afraid a lock on your door is the only answer. Again, it's a short term measure.

However much you loathe him, the only sensible thing is for you both to act as adults. If he can't or won't, you have to be the bigger person. Divorce/separation involving children is very hard, and you will do yourself and your children a favour by not making it even harder, especially if he is going to be obstructive.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on...

How the hell in 2023 are so many people on Mumsnet in relationships like this? It's not even close to equal! It's so old fashioned, it's in the stone age! What happens at the start of the relationship that sets the scene for the woman doing all the chores?

Ah I see what you mean. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding but then again this is MN so who knows. Assumptions are made a hell of a lot on here

This.

But more so…this! 😂😂

This. Her living expenses are primarily his child’s living expenses.

And fascinating that all the cool wives /men’s rights handmaidens are so very much in the minority when you look at the votes.

To clarify on some points:
He isn't my husband, we were together for 10 years and have two DC. I initiated the split for very valid reasons.

I have to give 8 weeks' notice to change my return to work date, so can't go back early.

I will probably need to claim UC when we are actually living apart, I can't claim it now as I have savings over the limit that will go immediately down on my next house deposit but disqualify me for now.

I could put in a child maintenance claim now I suppose but this seems an odd thing to do when we are both looking after DC under the same roof.

I haven't contacted solicitors yet, I know I have the TOLATA route to force the sale if need be but being bought out would be much easier and leave me with more equity for my next house. I'm hoping we can start mediation and perhaps avoid solicitors.

When I say he's forced me into this arrangement I'm referring to his refusal to discuss selling (threatened to call police if I had another estate agent over to value house!) or really look into affordability of buying me out.

I really appreciate the responces and seasoned advice, esp from those who have been through this. It's given me a lot to think about. Certainly I could look at this from a different angle on some points, and prioritise civility for the sake of the DC. Of course I didn't take this decision lightly and the children's happiness was a big part of why I made the leap.

I was in a similar situation 20 years ago, so things might have changed, but my solicitor told me not to do any wife work for him as I couldn't claim that we were separated if I continued cooking his meals etc.

What basis is he going to call the police on regarding an estate agent visiting your house?! The police have no interest in these matters.
If you can't immediately fit a door lock, get yourself a door wedge so he can't just open the door when you are in bed and waltz in. I'd pack up all his stuff and move it myself to the spare room.
I'd probably not be that bothered about the food. While I wouldn't cook for him and would probably make an effort to avoid having leftovers, I couldn't be arsed to argue over it really. If he can't be bothered to make an effort to feed himself more fool him -when he has to live alone/co-parent he's going to have to sort his shit out and learn.
I don't think you will be able to avoid solicitors in this case unfortunately. He's already being difficult. Best to get some proper advice.

Stick a wedge doorstop under the inside of the door at night. Cheap, simple to use, effective.

I think some of your ground rules would be more appropriate when you are at a point when you CAN actually go your separate ways, at the moment you seem to be relying on him to cover all the costs, so you're essentially asking him to help you, but you have decided to not help him in the slightest, even though things like the cooking would just be a bit of extra effort on your part. For everyone's sake until you can support yourself and not need his help, a little give and take would make things go a lot smoother.

He should NOT have access to your private space now though, so get a lock or barricade the door if you need to and give him his clothes. For now, I'd put your foot down on the important things and let the inconsequential things slide somewhat.

You say you instigated the separation, is he having trouble letting go? Trying to force him into doing what you want (selling the house) by making life as miserable as possible for him may not be the best tactic in the long run.

Totally fair for a man to contribute to his partner's costs while they are on mat leave caused by being pregnant with HIS child.

Feel for you OP, suspect you have a battle ahead.

Big lock on the door, his clothes in the spare room, see a solicitor asap, you can no more go back to work tomorrow than he’s likely to stop work and take up full-time childcare, so ignore posters saying he’s funding you; carry on as you are except I’d probably accept that he’s going to nick any food you make so just plan on that happening and that you can’t rely on things you made for the freezer being there when you need them. Remember this awful part won’t be forever and his behaviour reinforces what a great decision you made to end things. Brighter times ahead.

I keep wondering this myself.

My GRANDparents, married in 1927, had a more equal relationship. My grandmother always worked for wages; at one point she owned her own business (a corner sundries shop).

My mother always worked before and after marriage except for our pre-school years. My dad, born in 1928, did as much housework, cooking, childcare etc as she did. I have vivid memories of him doing laundry, taking us for hair cuts, cooking, etc. from when I was a young child onward.

Why the heck are women in the 21st century settling for being handmaidens? It's boggling.

Who cares if he calls the police when you have an EA over? He'll look like more the fool to everyone involved. Do you think the police are going to stop a homeowner from having a valuation by an estate agent?

Stop letting him dictate the terms. Get a door lock or a door stop, tell him you will call the emergency number if he menaces you, and get the house on the market.

Did he just develop these unappealing personality traits since the second child was conceived?

Get some fridge locks for the fridge and freezer. That’ll force him to do his own shopping and cooking.

I'm on zero pay as I'm off work looking after his child/ren. If I had months to go perhaps, but it's literally 4 weeks to my return. My youngest has a nursery place from my return date. Providing childcare is me 'paying my way' isn't it

Not entirely. You would need to see what it would cost for childcare per day. Then halve that, and that’s what he should be paying. In addition he should pay half of mortgage, bills, food, internet, half of kids clothes etc. You would pay the other half and would have the $$ he would be giving you for his half of the childcare you are providing in lieu of going to work. He shouldn’t be footing 100% of the childcare bill (being you) and all other expenses if you have separated!

Absolutely reasonable! But her him out asap, no guilt. It’s not healthy for anyone in the house to be in limbo.

Yabu to expect him to fund your maternity. I'd totally agree to all you've said IF you were actually paying your way. You're taking his money to buy your food but not letting him have any. So I agree with his comment.

He's able to cook his own food. The issue isn't that she's denying him access to the cooker, but that he is expecting her to cook for him. As @Rightsraptor said, that undermines her claim to be separated from him. Whilst they are not married, her separation from him needs to be watertight for her to claim UC.

"Her" maternity leave is actually her caring for HIS child.

Move his clothes to the spare room. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Separating yet still living together is difficult. New boundaries have to be established and it can take time for you both to get used to them.

He sounds difficult. You sound petty.

He will need to fend for himself when you are living apart. That goes without saying.

I would get a lock for the bedroom doors. Establish proper separate bedrooms. His clothes in his room, your clothes in your room etc etc.

I can’t get excited about the cooking and laundry tbh. If you are making a meal or shoving on a washing then I would probably just make him dinner too and include his clothes in your laundry. No big deal.

You can both make this as easy or as hard as you want to. I would chose the easiest route tbh until you or he leaves.

Actually if they genuinely separated, as she wants to live as if they are with not sharing meals etc, ALL he would have to pay her is CMS.

There’s no requirement for him to pay half of childcare etc at all, I don’t disagree that this should be the case (my friend is currently in this situation, separated with her partner, she now receives literally £11 per week for her child from him via CMS) dad’s absolutely should have to pay half for everything that way, but unfortunately that’s not how it currently works.

Lock on bedroom door, that will stop him coming in your room

tell him you’ve put laxative in a couple of your ready prepared meals, so he’d be foolish to take your food.