AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

😂

It really is. I started a thread about this yesterday, inspired by this one and all the others I've read where mothers end up having to foot the bill for pretty much everything.

It really should not be rocket science for the government to find a way of making men pay for their children.

😉
Have a good day ✌🏻🫶🏻🙏🏻

It’s disgusting 🤬
Have a good day 🙏🏻✌🏻🫶🏻

Sad as it is, this is the correct summation, and all the "oh but, you morally deserve..." is just a waste of time.

Whilst in theory I think YNBU, you can't expect him to pay for everything if you're now separating your household. The privacy yes, get a lock on your door and move his clothes into the spare room, but if he'd moved out what would you do? He couldn't in that situation be expected to still pay for you whilst you're on MAT leave. It'd be best for you to look into going back early so you can pay your own way and your own food.

I find it terrifying how many women still think “he has to pay half the child care” or that an unmarried partner can get maintenance for herself when he doesn’t and she can’t. If the OP listened to some of the people on this thread (who haven’t let total ignorance of the law stop them from confidently giving totally incorrect advice), she could find herself in a very nasty position. Luckily it seems from her later posts she actually has researched what she is entitled to (and what she isn’t).

The OP is better off than a lot of people in that her ex’s legally required contribution will nearly cover child care for one child (rather than being a derisory couple of hundred pounds) and hopefully there is a decent chunk of equity in the house.

Also, her name is on the house which a lot of these sort of men manage to avoid so at least she gets something back.

She’s not in a good position but she’s probably better off than 90% of women in the same position and that’s a terrible situation that shouldn’t be allowed to continue. The government should absolutely do something to make men actually support their own children, however badly off that leaves them.

Disgraceful comments from people that have no idea how a separation this messy is. She cannot pay her way and stand on her own 2 feet because he will not move out of the family home therefore she is unable to claim the support she would rightfully get. It sounds as though he is being a total manipulative bastard and it’s in fact him that wants his cake and to eat it. Split with the missus but expect her to still act like the homemaker and look after him too.

seek legal advice immediately OP and look at how you can get him out of the family home. You can’t carry on like it at all.

Exactly this.

It's frightening how many people will confidently inform the OP of what she is entitled too. She's entitled to nothing, repeat, nothing but CMS.

I haven't been reading the pages and pages of the thread as last time I looked it was just a bun fight but is she a low earner and qualifies for UC? I thought somewhere I read she can get UC. In which case her childcare costs are reimbursed 85%. So she most likely can afford the nursery bill when you apply the fact she's only got to cover 15% of it.

He or she needs to get out of the house. If he's not moving anywhere, can she move? A court order will force her equity to be returned to her. If she can't afford the current mortgage on her own, then there's little point her trying to stay there anyway, she's just postponing the inevitable. Plus UC will cover the rent if your home is being sold/a former partner is still in it (or something like that).

Alas, she's not married, so no court is going to entitle her to stay in the home, when she can't afford it, and expect him to make up the shortfall. He's just her boyfriend. She can't get anything, but CMS. Yes it's utterly crap. This is the reality of having children, unmarried, as a low earner. I wish there was something to suggest, but she's on her own now, and that's the size of it.

I feel sorry for the children caught up in this.

Definitely get a lock on your door.

If it was me I’d let him have what’s left of the meals I’d prepared, mainly so the children don’t see him scavenging looking for food. I’d keep things civil for the children until you can move out. Breaks my heart for those poor kids tbh.

There’s no way of forcing him to leave his house and her stay. It’s a jointly owned house. She’s obviously hoping he’ll agree to sale asap and then both walk away with some equity. If he won’t agree then she’ll need to seek a court order to try and force a sale which will cost a lot in legal fees and take time.

Difficult one. He should respect your space and not come into your room. Is there space in the spare room for a wardrobe for him to put his clothes in? You should also be able to sell the house to release your equity. Also seems fair enough for him to do his own washing. My husband does his own washing, I do mine and the kids.
Im on maternity leave at the moment. We can’t afford for me to take the year but I have took 9 months this time. This was because my husband supported me financially to do so. We are a team. You’ve chosen to end your relationship, which you are more than entitled to do but he doesn’t have to financially support you to the level he currently is. You will now have to be self sufficient. So as he is continuing to support you to stay at home (12 months maternity is certainly a luxury many can’t afford) would it really hurt you for him to eat the same food as you all? You are cooking it anyway, he’s just eating leftovers. Otherwise he has to pay for separate food which is even more of a financial burden on him. I mean obviously if you are going out for food you wouldn’t cook for him, but if you’ve made it anyways it just seems unnecessary spiteful.

Also, if she does get him out tomorrow (legally impossible) and he promptly stops his financial support, can she cover the bills without him? It sounds like she certainly can’t for the next two months (until her first paycheque) and may not be able to after that.

Who says thry will split childcare 50/50? He might be like my ex and not want anything to do with the kids. Unfortunately there is no legislation gor that. You can attempt to make a bloke cough up CM but you can't make them physically see or spend time with the kids

And the OP says he’s a high earner. Add in the rest of his attitude as she describes it, he’ll probably pay the CMS minimum and see the kids EOW and either pat himself on the back for being a ‘good dad’ for doing the bare minimum or blame not seeing the kids on his evil ex (while making no effort to do so).

he would have to pay child maintenance to you depending on his income but as he is effectively providing you with a home, I’m not sure this would be fair. Definitely get a lock on your door and take his clothes and put them on the spare bed. This environment isn’t good for anyone kids included. Time to see a solicitor. If you are married start divorce proceedings. It’s a nightmare. My situation was very different to yours - my ex refused to leave the marital home. He stayed and was ok that the children (ours) and me were homeless. I tried to get an occupation order but it had to go to full hearing. I agreed to withdraw it if he paid the mortgage - he stopped paying as soon as the order was withdrawn and the house almost got repossessed. My family had said they would ensure all bills including mortgage were paid if he vacated and let us move back in. So now neither of us can get credit. Cost a fortune in solicitors bills that could have been spent housing children. You need to seek legal advice.

Courts rarely award spousal maintenance now. Most women want a clean break anyway.

They aren't married

Little update for any interested followers.. I stopped cooking for him, and dumped his clothes in his room. We've finally started mediation. He's putting on his best charming, charasmatic, reasonable guy act for the mediator. He now wants to buy me out, and undervalue our house to the tune of 70k to enable him to do so. Even this will clean out his bank accounts and this is another example of me taking advantage of him apparently. He wants his mortgage payments during my maternity leave deducted from my equity share. Also, shock horror reaction from him that he's going to need to pay child maintenance!?

Oh my god. He wants the mortgage payments from when you w looking after his baby deducted?

I think the mediator will be seeing him very clearly despite the charming act…

Lock on bedroom and bathroom doors.
Remove his clothes from your room.
Food isn't the battle worth fighting.
Plan the separation and next steps
Good luck

I'd say fine to 50% of the mortgage repayments during your mat leave being deducted from your share provided that 50% of childcare costs at whatever your normal salary is gets deducted from his share.

And yet you say the relationship wasn't a success?

The mediator will see through him, the facts speak for themselves.

He's being a knob, but you can't expect it to work both ways.

You need to start paying your own way. And if that's not do-able for another month, and you're taking his money to live on. Then I personally think it's fair that you do some bits like cooking his meals.

Well done on not being his skivvy anymore.

He's show himself to be a garden variety entitled manipulative twat.