AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

You need legal advice going forward, believe me you can’t carry on in this way. It’s not good for you and the children will pick up on the horrible atmosphere.

Absolutely this.

If you cannot amicably agree short term cohabitation, this could turn nasty. In any event, you want to be sure what the legal pitfalls are.

Posters who are saying she should “pay her way” presumably also then agree that the ex should be paying the OP the equivalent of a full time nanny’s salary then yes?

Agree with this.

By no means should you have to baby him.

However...you want to act in all ways as if you're separated, including not allowing him to eat food you've cooked. Which is petty if you're cooking anyway. But you seem to expect him to provide all the money for you to be able to stay home. I'd be pissed off at that too.

So yeah, if he’s going to pay you to look after his kids - as he would have to for nursery or a nanny - then you can pay your way. But if he expects you to look after them all the time and therefore not work and yet still go halves on all the food and bills costs then, erm, no.

They are.

I would probably cook him an extra portion of food since when are cooking anyway, and you need to retain a degree of civility under the circs.

Get a lock for your bedroom. If he still has clothes in your room, move them.

I agree with PPs you need to get back to work - I presume you earn more than a day in nursery fee, so being off is something you need to both agree - but given you are back in a month, that’s reasonable transition time anyway, so he can pay extra till then.

What’s the long term plan, have you seen a solicitor?

Sure she can pay her own way..when he pays her childminding rates. Simple

Agreed!

Posters who are saying she should “pay her way” presumably also then agree that the ex should be paying the OP the equivalent of a full time nanny’s salary then yes?

Why? Op is also responsible for the dc isn't she? So 50/50. Can't see why he'd be paying her a FULL time wage for it, at all.

Yes minus any hours he is doing himself as he better be parenting his kids by himself some of the time. He's going to have to get used to it.

For those saying pay her own way, she physically can't because he's refusing to move out so she can't claim UC or anything

V few people can afford a nanny.

I’m guessing the baby will go to nursery, and as the OP presumably earns more than the fees, she does need to go back to work - however she’s back in month, he can cover her till then as transition time.

3 1/2 days of childcare per week is his responsibility now. I would offer to cover 2 1/2 days of that (during the working week) for the next 4 weeks in exchange for him covering your half of the bills for the next 4 weeks.

Yes you’re right it would be half of a nanny’s salary. Just the same as he should be paying half the childcare fees once OP is back at work. Someone up thread said “assume you earn more than the nursery fee in a day” - why does the nursery fee come out of OPs salary? It would only need to be half.

No, because he wasn't doing so beforehand.

The split of chores was based in the income arrangements and working patterns then, and neither of those has changed (yet)

When OP starts working again, then of course things should change. But when having to cohabit, it's far better to do that by negotiation than diktat from one side. Both in terms of new split of all chores plus how to split bills

Because she's not going to be able to find work st this short notice. It's one month til her job starts so until then she's saving him the cost of half the childcare so he should he paying her half the childcare cost minimum. And I'd argue more as presumably he had agreed to the maternity leave at the time.

And yes very few people can afford a nanny but that’s effectively what OPs ex has got himself here.

Go out and leave him with the kids for a day he's working he'll change his tune.

Time to claim CMS and UC as a single parent - which can whilst sharing a house providing you live separately!!

Stick to your guns 💐

What would that really achieve?

It looks more like a tantrum, rather than someone trying to work out the best modus vivendi until they sell up and each move on to their new futures.

As PPs have said, put a lock on your door.

It doesn’t just give you privacy, but it also sends him a clear message.

All of his clothes need to be in his room now.

Tell him that you take in turns cooking and draw up a rota.
This can include each other or just the adults.
If he doesn’t abide by this then you’ll both have to do your own cooking.

You also need to be paying 50/50 for everything.

Absolutely he should be responsible for half of the childcare, by providing it himself or financing it.

Yes @VikingVolva is right on this.

If you want to take the stance that you’re absolutely behaving, living and acting as if you are both single, then actually all OP is entitled to would be whatever the CMS amount is from him. I can’t imagine his required CMS amount would pay for half of all the house bills etc. The argument of you “paying your way” by providing childcare is fair enough when in a relationship because at that point yes you are a team, but if the argument is you are separated in all ways, then all he has to give you is the CMS amount. You can claim UC I believe if separated even if living together still.

Not if you went to court it wouldn’t be. He can quite easily refuse to subsidise.

You need legal advice and a financial settlement sorted.

This is gross and petty.

You can get a travel lock for your door while you are in your bedroom, they are only about £10 from Amazon and just hook over the handle.

I think I would probably still cook him a portion of whatever I was cooking and put it aside for him, just because I couldn't be bothered ordering him extra shopping and it would piss me off too much if he used my frozen stuff.