AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

Regardless of who has the moral high ground, OP is at risk of her ex withdrawing financial support in retaliation. I'd probably compromise a little to try to stay on civil terms (while getting out ASAP). Absolutely he needs his own bedroom but slinging an extra portion in the fridge when you're cooking anyway, seems like a low effort way to buy some goodwill.

I cohabited with my ex for a few weeks, it went really really sour and I'd count it as the worst and most traumatic period of my life, and that of my kids. With hindsight I'd suck up a few little things to keep the peace.

• I asked if she could go back earlier, because I think we all realise it may not be possible.

• She is doing what they agreed was the balance of chores in the status quo ante. She now wishes to relinquish some, with no other changes. This is the "having cake and eating it" bit

• Because that is how they arranged it - it doesn't have to be like that, but that is the situation for this couple.

Clearly it would be a good thing for OP to advance this separation asap. Which means she needs to cover her bills in a separate household The sooner back at work, the sooner this will come about.

Changes to the domestic set up are best reached by negotiation. Just like sorting out divorce financial settlements and child arrangements are best achieved through mediation. Not one side just ceasing some of what had been theirs responsibilities under their existing arrangements, without their being countervailing changes (such as starting to cover bills)

Why are people writing about ‘the marriage’? He’s an ex boyfriend.

He’s unreasonable for now saying that because they’ve broken up she has to go back to work earlier than they agreed. If this is the case then OP could say he should start doing half the cooking cleaning etc for their kids as this would really be 50 %. Will he now take on half the ‘wife work’ that OP was doing while simultaneously working before this period of maternity?

• Let yourself (& move all your stuff) into the bigger spare room & have a lock installed so he can't enter.
• not much you can do about the food though I agree with you that if your cooking you & the kids should be eating first & the bulk of it but if hes paying then yes (& he can find it on the bench/fridge) should be able to eat the left overs / food left in freezer if it's not planned for another meal ect.
Probably start a minor contribution set up if your recieving any pay or payments & start a proper child support claim

No where in that quote does that poster suggest he has the right to get undressed in front of the OP. Why make shit up?

* also to add.

You need to make yourself independent as much as possible rather then changing him (if he was worth changing or changeable the relationship wouldn't be over, would it ?)

Yep I agree with this whole comment. All of your requests are absolutely valid as you’re no longer together. On the flip side though, why would he still finance everything just because you’re on maternity if you’re not together?

Obviously bedroom privacy and not knowing what the other person's business is starts immediately. Untangling financial and practical arrangements takes a bit longer. You should really sit down and work out how that is all going to work. If he's carrying you financially during the next month of maternity leave, I'd cook for him. It's not hard to just do for one more person. This is a transition period and that requires negotiation. If you can't work it out together, then maybe it's time to sit down with a solicitor and get it worked out formally.

Ffs she’s on maternity leave because she’s had HIS CHILD. In what way is he no longer responsible for that?

Where does it say her husband terminated the relationship without warning anywhere in the post? Stop making things up to fit your narrative

I'd just cook for him because he's going to ignore what you say anyway and take it from the freezer. You're not going to win that one I'd say and it will likely just cause a lot of arguments so i'd suck up the annoyance and give him that win.

Move his stuff out of your room though and as others have said lock your door.

Lock on your bedroom door and laxatives in a few tactically placed freezer meals should sort him out

He's responsible for the child but he's not responsible for OP's livelihood, mat leave or not.

How many kids did you have with this person, OP?

Stop buying food for him, and as others have said, put a lock on your bedroom door. If you feel he has potential to be violent, or abusive, call Women's Aid. In fact, in your shoes I'd call them regardless; they may have information and tips you can use.

Hardly just an 'ex boyfriend'.

He's the father of her kids who she still lives with.

I think the confusion came from this line.

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

You are separated this means separate finances. He doesn’t need to pay for you. He just has to pay his share of maintenance for shared kids.
you need to apply for single person benefits if you are entitled. To pay for your own needs according to the law.

At the end of the day the real loser in all this is the child.

An amicable split is far preferable. Obviously, circumstances to the split may make this difficult. We don't know who are why the split happened but, where possible the two parents should be making life as normal as possible for their child. If that means cooking a few begrudgingly tasty meals to keep the peace or, the father continuing the current financial support then that should be what happens until they can move out and sell. Of course being amicable in the aftermath is also beneficial to the child.

The one real issue in the OP is the getting undressed privacy issue and that does need to be addressed! If he has agreed to the new living arrangements then he should be sticking to them.

Being amicable obviously changes if the relationship is abusive etc If not abusive then both parties should be doing their utmost to keep the peace for the sake of their child.

I’d assume that comment was in relation to the fact that OPs ex ‘refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house.’

@Conkersinautumn just so you know, a quick AS shows that the OP decided to leave her partner who is not her husband. It’s ridiculous to rewrite someone’s story for absolutely no reason at all. Branding the man as controlling based on something you’ve made up? Madness

So OP, you own half the house and he won't buy you out or sell up?

of course you shouldn't be doing any chores for him. It could take longer than 6 months to sort this out in court.

but I do think you need to live as separate entities financially, so that complicates things. He may see chores as being in exchange for money and he might have a legal case there?

If he wants you to pay your way then make a cma claim and don’t tell him he can find out when they call him.
I wouldn’t hit any of his food at the shop .
mid also take all
this clothes and put them on his bed in his room. Also get a lock for your bedroom door .

Sooner he gets that you are over the better z He may also start talking about the house when it hits home things aren’t going to get better for him .
Also see if you are entitled to benefit top up.

I disagree. Maternity leave is to provide care that the child needs. Is he going to provide this care? No. Is he going to employ someone full time to do it? Also no. Therefore her living expenses are his responsibility. Unless he intends to abandon his child to be raised by wolves or something. Those are just the facts.

@MinnieL

I’d assume that comment was in relation to the fact that OPs ex ‘refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house.’

Yes, me too. But I think that could have easily been missed so if the poster just saw the second comment they might have assumed that it was him who ended the relationship....so it was a genuine mistake as opposed to just making things up to fit a narrative as you said.

It's not having your cake and eating it when you're on maternity leave.
It's ridiculous. You can't just magic up a nursery place overnight. If he was being reasonable about releasing her equity asap, then she would be in a much stronger position to remove herself from any obligation to him.

I have no sympathy for this man. He obviously doesn't show any respect
for the OP by entering her room when she has expressly asked him not to. If he was any kind of man he'd want the best for his children and would release his ex-partner and allow her to move on. But he's clearly a sulky child who wants
to get back at her for finally having had enough of him.

No woman with a young baby leaves a relationship lightly.

He is though. The only legal issue they need to sort is the house, so people typing posts about divorce and marriage are giving utterly irrelevant advice.