AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

This. My previous post related to the legal position on finances - that he does not have to pay her a penny more than child support - not the moral position.

This case is another example of why women should seriously consider marriage before having children (unless they are better off than their partner). It makes it a lot harder for the man to walk away with no financial impact on him(though I know some married men manage it anyway).

As it is the fact she is “caring for his children” means absolutely nothing in law when it comes to financial support for her. He legally has to pay the (no doubt derisory) amount set by CMS and that’s it.

Also, while putting (or threatening to put) laxatives in the food may be tempting, it could also be illegal (it may be over the counter but it’s medicine). The ex strikes me as the sort to call the police and make a complaint.

No but then they would split childcare with 50/50 as the starting point.

If it was me I’d use my savings to pay half of the childcare and bills for a week (to prove a point). And Monday to Wednesday afternoon the week, book myself in a hotel so ex partner could do 50% of the wife work properly (right now he’s making no contribution to childcare or household tasks involving the children). Even better if OP allows a backlog on the kids laundry for that week so ex partner can sort their laundry.

When ex partner realises he has to take annual leave to look after his own kids since it will be impossible to find a childcare place with such short notice, maybe he’ll stop being unreasonable in his financial demands on OP and recognise their separation while accepting OPs financial contribution at the moment is childcare.

OP, the bedroom thing is a real violation of boundaries. That needs to start NOW.
Not cooking for him feels childish.
Living together when separated is so hard. It's four weeks - can you not just pop some extra rice on for the sake of a happy household?

You need a sturdy bolt on the door and an appointment with a good solicitor. The power to sell generally trumps the power not to sell, but don't take legal advice from random people on the internet.

I do agree with hes comment about not being allowed to eat food hes payed for

If you're contributing financially to this arrangement 50/50, then that's reasonable. If you are not, then he might similarly withdraw unequal finances.

Because you're assuming a woman's labour is worthless.

That's interesting, I don't want to hijack the thread but I have been divorced for over 2 years now - but ex dh refuses to move out - and for various reasons including his gambling over £200k - I think the house should be mine. We still have one dc at home and another at university. He refuses to work and I work about 30 hours a week (I have a disability). We are on universal credit, I have told them we are divorced but we still have a joint claim. He refuses to let me cook so he does all the cooking. The car is in my name but I can no longer drive due to my disability. We have a joint bank account, I have another one in my name but he has no other one. He refuses to recognise that we are divorced though we have separate bedrooms. We were married over 30 years. I think getting our own universal credit claim would help matters.

Exactly! All the posters saying OP needs to start paying her way right now seem to be overlooking the fact she’s busy providing childcare for his children right now? If she was to start financially contributing for this last month, he would need to pay for half the childcare to enable her to do that.

See a solicitor

Once you’re back at work you’ll be in a stronger position, although goodness knows maternity leave is not a holiday!

In the meantime a simple bolt on your bedroom door should keep him out. And move all his clothes. You’ll have to do it for him if he won’t do it himself.

I’d continue doing cooking for the whole family to keep the peace. Sounds as though he’s going to find out soon enough all about cooking for himself.

Then get a solicitor to help you with the separation. If you have equity in the house then XP will have to buy you out else the house will have to be sold.

Good luck with it all. You’re not the first person this has happened to and there is a path through this.

One of the great ironies of this being MN is the extent to which women's unpaid work is considered non work on these threads. Its a testament to the resilience of men's societal advantages.

If matey boy wants his underpants ironed and full housekeeping service he can pay someone to be his housekeeper. Alternatively he can pay for childcare to facilitate the OP returning early to paid work (although its moot if that is doable for four weeks).

Mainly the OP needs to get legal advice one how to expedite separate living and ensure he pays his share of the childcare and child maintenance costs. His behaviour so far makes it clear there is no chance of an adult conversation and agreement.

Yes, you providing childcare is you paying your way. Tell him if he wants you to pay half the mortgage and bills starting from this month, you need to bill him for his half of the childcare starting from this month.

YABU. This seems needlessly petty on both your parts. Neither of you comes off smelling of roses here. Why are you BOTH going out of your way to create a horrible atmosphere that your children have to live in? Boundaries about private space are fine, and should be respected, but everything else you’re both doing sounds more like 20 year old first time flat mate spat stuff, not two grown adults doing what’s best for their children.

Please stop using those horribly weaponised and sexist tropes.

I think a solicitor would concur with your approach. You both need time to adjust to the new arrangement. 💐

Yes, don't tell him. Just do it. No way can he prove anything. Doubt he will want to take a sample to be analysed 💩

Will stop him eating your food if he gets the runs every time

I have a 21yo daughter whos texting me when my tv is on at 9 or 10pm saying whys your tv so damn loud, i should get a hearing or can you turn that shit down my tv isnt blasting ive been in her room and checked it just annoys her aibu to expect to be spoken to in a polite manner ive said whilst in my house its my rules or need to move out what else can i do kicking her out seems harsh for a bad attitude against me but nothing i say seems to make a difference any suggestions there are other things she questions me on rudely but thats it

Well firstly, I'd be moving his clothes into what is now his room. Next, I'd put a lock in the inside of my bedroom door.
There's no way I'd be asking him what he needs at the shop. You're effectively separated now, so it's up to him what he buys and cooks, otherwise it's all a very grey area.
Finally, I'd be seeing a solicitor asap.
Good luck OP

@1976bre, you need to start your own thread.

The problem with that approach is that it’s his money that is paying for the shopping. Pushing too hard on this could quite easily just result in him going OK, I’ll do the food shopping for me and dc, you do and pay for your own.

The problem with that approach is that it’s his money that is paying for the shopping. Pushing too hard on this could quite easily just result in him going OK, I’ll do the food shopping for me and dc, you do and pay for your own.

I appreciate that but the OP is effectively working. She's looking after both of their children. She just doesn't get paid for it!
And her being on mat leave and currently the SAHP, that's enabling her ex to be able to work.
Unless he's providing 50% of the childcare, he's bang out of order.

There is no such thing as "his" money when she is doing unpaid childcare for his children.

Since they are not married, the law unfortunately doesn’t agree with you.

Morally of course, you are completely correct.