AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

my dsis is in a similar sitauitn hate to tell you it doesnt get easier-shes stopped cooking for him but still does all chores round the house -he mows the lawn

begrudges getting anything fixed, done round the house as sees as it as helping her out even though they have a child together-very bitter about it all and to make matters worse they cant seem to sell their ho9use just no viewings

youre not being nreasnable at all-maybe tell him to buy his own food so its clearer

Fair point.

oh and you can claim uc depending on your own wage of course

People are showing their own values here. The poster isn't a skiving member of staff. The husband has terminated the relationship without warning but hasn't moved out and is blocking the posters access to equity. This is controlling behaviour.

Do get a lock OR move out with the DC completely

"The food that he pays for". Fucking prick.

You are both paying for the food (I know you realise this) but instead of a direct cash contribution you are feeding and caring for the child that you and he created together.

I'm so pleased that you've asserted these boundaries and urge you to solidify them along the lines that PP have suggested - get his clothes out of your room, tell him the frozen stuff is for the kids, etc etc.

Fucking prick.

Put a chain on your bedroom door after you take all his clothes and put them in the spare room. Or get a locksmith to put a lock on it.

Contact a solicitor about putting the house on the market or him buying you out.

Google hotel room door lock portable and select one that suits the door type you have. Don't even need a screwdriver for that.

I think you need to take a step back and look at two periods here. The next four weeks. And then the rest of the future.

The next four weeks, are a bit of an anomaly. You aren't bringing in any income, so you can't really say he should be acknowledging at least half of the childcare equivalent cost you are providing, because if he did cover that, you're not actually working on the days he would be theoretically paying for. It's not reasonable to expect him to pay half the childcare when you don't work, and therefore don't need any paid childcare for yourself, whilst expecting to live off his money on those days.

Honestly, for the next four weeks, suck it up and continue chores, cooking, childcare, as you have done thus far as a married couple. Yes, you're doing all the childcare, but he's 100% funding you. You both need to accept that you need to afford each other that courtesy, for four more weeks. It's nothing in the scheme of things.

When you return to work, you both pay 50/50 for everything. And at this point, claim your CMS, and UC. Now, completely separate your chores, own cooking, own laundry. You may have to compromise on communal chores, perhaps that he keeps the garden, bins, any maintenance in order, and you run the hoover round. You do the kitchen. He does the bathrooms.

It's going to be a nightmare, frankly, and the sooner you are both out of this, the better.

Yes speak to a solicitor ffs and get this sorted asap.

Lock on the door. Or tell him you’ll report him for exposure/ sexual harassment.

You are fine with not doing the wife work but you then can’t expect any more than child support from him. He has no obligation to fund your half of the bills.

Make enough only for you and DC. An exact amount to do you and the DC and don't take your eyes off it until its plated up and put down in front of you and DC. Don't let him get his hands on it.

Get a lock for your bedroom door.

Hopefully your boundaries will get rid of him quicker.

You are fine with not doing the wife work but you then can’t expect any more than child support from him. He has no obligation to fund your half of the bills

oooh a solicitor here.

you have no clue about their financial situation or their legal standing. She does not need to accept him getting naked in front of her daily. End of. Sort yourself out

Door wedge under the door op should stop him dead

Where did you read that he terminated the marriage with no warning?

If you were divorced, he'd pay CM whether you were on mat leave or not.

That. I was 100% with you until you said that he's paying for everything. You can't be separated but have him paying for you. If the sexes were reversed and you were paying all the living costs for a separated DH people would be calling for his blood.

Then op should be paying half of everything

She’s on bloody maternity leave

Op ignore posters. There’s a lot of men on here these days that jump on these kind of threads. It’s a shame

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I do think you should try to look at this a different way. You have a very small baby with this man. You are going to be linked to him for at least another 16 years. It is not going to do much for you to make things harder than they need to be. in 3-6 months you will never have to cook for him again or see him under your roof.

In the meantime, walking into your bedroom is not acceptable at all. The cooking, I would be prepared to compromise on - as you are cooking anyway. Is there a way you could sit with him at a time you aren't actively wanting to kill him and suggest he agrees to stay out of your room - and you will stay out of his. As a gesture of goodwill, you will include him in dinner plans from now on.

No, you shouldn't have to cook for him but I definitely would just to try to keep the peace until you can shake him from your home for good.

@Calipso32
You are not paying your own way by providing childcare for your own child.
You are absolutely right to insist that he not enter your room without knocking and he should move his clothes to his room.

The not cooking seems like an unnecessary move as you have to cook anyway. Why make an acrimonious situation anymore hostile than it has to be?

This.

But be aware, lock or wedge, if he wants to break in he will. My ex broke the door down The Shining style, complete with an axe. He then took a chainsaw to my bed and stole everything. The police called it a domestic and didn't want to know. Like hell would I let them get away with that now.

Just make sure that if it goes really nasty that precious stuff isn't in your room. Can you leave most of your items with a relative?

Get a good solicitor in the meantime. Try flows.org.uk

To those saying you can’t have it both ways and OP has to go back to work immediately:

• She is on maternity leave to care for their shared child.
• She is already doing over 50% by doing hers AND the kids cooking/ laundry/ bedtimes etc.
• Why does the woman’s 50% of chores include ALL of the childcare for kids that belong to both of them?!!!

I really feel for you OP because your ex sounds like a prize bell end. YANBU x

He should consider himself lucky that he isn't having to care for DC. My mum stopped both the wifework and caring for us, instead going out early in the morning and staying at her lab until the last train back whilst she did her masters degree.