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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
Ellyess · 24/10/2023 20:33

FuchsiaBottles · 24/10/2023 12:20

P has been shipped out of the house and out of the relationship. I don’t want the whole bloody gang over for Halloween

Great! Well done! He has clearly demonstrated that he does not care about your feelings or respect you. }His family's standards are just low. Low in not teaching children to be responsible, low in taking advantage of others and just plain selfish in putting themselves before others. I'm so glad you are now free to enjoy your home and life and have the chance to meet someone who is considerate and caring.

Good luck and very best wishes.

Totalwasteofpaper · 24/10/2023 20:34

FuchsiaBottles · 24/10/2023 14:23

It’s ridiculous. Apparently their area doesn’t have anything going on for Halloween while ours do. So dear old sis sent him a screenshot of a Facebook post and he’s agreed (without consulting me) to have them over for Halloween!!

Apparently too this was all arranged around a week+ ago but as usual I was not notified until the last minute.

He now thinks I’m “cold/selfish/heartless” and “just like my bitch of a mother”. Confused

Outrageous.

You are 100% right to end it

I can't imagine any sliding doors scenario where you are sitting down 5 years from now and regretting the decision to kick him out.

TolkiensFallow · 24/10/2023 20:35

His pal is going to be as unimpressed by the nephews.

Killingmytime · 24/10/2023 20:35

Good on you.
no discipline and you can’t discipline them either in your own home?
i feel bad for the mother, though maybe she’s had an escape!

Casperroonie · 24/10/2023 22:38

If that's his view re how to manage kids, I'd be very careful about having any with him.....

inloveandmarried · 24/10/2023 23:16

Sit him down and explain that if he needs to see his nephews in your house then he needs to give you at least a weeks notice. And it needs to be mutually agreed.

He needs to be available to supervise them and if he's WFH then that's not going to work due to them highlighting 'kids will be kids' and the issues they bring.

If it's a last minute arrangement it just won't be happening at your house but he's welcome to see them whenever he wants, just not in the house.

Maybe he could go over to his sisters and babysit them?

Firm boundaries otherwise this will escalate.

inloveandmarried · 24/10/2023 23:18

Just read your update. Sounds like it's resolved already!

Ivymom · 25/10/2023 01:00

OP,
You did the right thing. The problem with your partner goes much deeper than his poorly behaved nephews. He isn’t willing to put your needs before the wants of his sister and nephews. He wasn’t a true partner to you and he isn’t willing to be one. He is an uncle/brother first and foremost. Unless you are willing to always come last to him, there was not going to be a future with him.

Chimpandcheese · 25/10/2023 08:15

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting to offer help to his sister, and this doesn’t have to be a “make or break” situation like others are suggesting. What’s needed here are ground rules: you offer one or two evenings/days a month, or whatever you feel is reasonable, and you babysit how and where it suits you- so at yours or theirs or take them out. He says no to any unplanned requests unless it’s an emergency, and he tells her this in advance - she needs to know the rules too. If the children’s behaviour really is terrible they might be best in their own home, and parents have to go out. Either way, you can just leave him to it - his family, his commitment.

rainbowstardrops · 25/10/2023 08:18

I think you've done the right thing @FuchsiaBottles
He's shown you that he has no respect for you or your home and he's nasty to boot.
Interesting that his sister can't even let him sleep on the sofa!

WTLife · 25/10/2023 08:19

Wonder how his sister will feel knowing her kids have been an issue in her brother's relationship?

diddl · 25/10/2023 09:52

WTLife · 25/10/2023 08:19

Wonder how his sister will feel knowing her kids have been an issue in her brother's relationship?

She'll probably think it's all Op's fault somehow for not liking them enough or something.

Therefore he's better off without her.

That said-if she carries on getting the childcare she wants it probably won't give it another thought!

yogasaurus · 25/10/2023 09:53

WTLife · 25/10/2023 08:19

Wonder how his sister will feel knowing her kids have been an issue in her brother's relationship?

She’ll be fine, she’ll think he can have them all the more now.

Selfish people never feel bad about anything.

whynotwhatknot · 25/10/2023 12:49

i feel sorry for his mate-wait till he ends up with a trashed house

CliantheLang · 25/10/2023 14:42

Chimpandcheese · 25/10/2023 08:15

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting to offer help to his sister, and this doesn’t have to be a “make or break” situation like others are suggesting. What’s needed here are ground rules: you offer one or two evenings/days a month, or whatever you feel is reasonable, and you babysit how and where it suits you- so at yours or theirs or take them out. He says no to any unplanned requests unless it’s an emergency, and he tells her this in advance - she needs to know the rules too. If the children’s behaviour really is terrible they might be best in their own home, and parents have to go out. Either way, you can just leave him to it - his family, his commitment.

Why in the world would the OP (or any woman) try to accommodate this arsehole at all? His magic penis? Sorry, that can't do anything a vibrator can't do better.

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Nanaof1 · 25/10/2023 16:11

AnneValentine · 24/10/2023 14:49

You aren’t compatible. Neither is wrong here but it has no future. End it now. Let him find someone who will embrace his nephews and you find someone who isn’t an active uncle.

Show quote history

Uh--HE is absolutely, positively, totally wrong.

He is abusive when he doesn't get his way. He dismisses the fact that his feral brat nephews destroyed her property and he refused to pay for it.

He goes behind her back to set up time for the feral brats to come to HER house without checking with her.

He does nothing but use her house as a playroom for those same feral nephews.

It has nothing to do with embracing the nephews OR him being an active uncle. It has everything to do with not setting up boundaries and expecting decent behavior from children that aren't toddlers, but act like it. It has everything to do with abuse, lack of respect and common decency.

OP--celebrate your freedom for that abusive, useless wanker.

I'd be giving out candy on Halloween and put pictures of you doing it on FB/Instagram or wherever.

firsttimer2022 · 25/10/2023 16:52

They have the stress all the time because they are the ones who chose to have kids! They are also choosing to make their own lives harder by not disciplining or parenting their children by the sounds of it. That is not your or your partner’s problem. It’s nice to offer to help out once in a while but not to be at their beck and call!

Madamum18 · 25/10/2023 19:05

He now thinks I’m “cold/selfish/heartless” and “just like my bitch of a mother”

Im not surprised that you have ended it! Well done!

IncomingTraffic · 25/10/2023 20:25

Well, if you needed evidence that you made the right choice standing up to him, ‘He now thinks I’m “cold/selfish/heartless” and “just like my bitch of a mother”’ pretty much proves you’ve done the right thing.

You are much better off without him!

Yalta · 25/10/2023 21:01

He now thinks I’m “cold/selfish/heartless” and “just like my bitch of a mother

Wonder what he will call his stbxmate when they object to 2 out of control kids breaking their stuff and disturbing their work

Winnipeg23 · 25/10/2023 21:18

Thank goodness you got rid.
Horrible man.
Calling you a heartless bitch. Wow. Shown his true colours. I loathe him and have never met him.

Hart92 · 26/10/2023 07:11

Yes. But they CHOSE to have children. I wouldn't expect my childless sister to have my little girl every 2 weeks. She has her own stressors and I certainly would not be tolerating having my own plans cancelled at short notice to look after someone else's kids. I'd say I'd be happy to help care for them every so often but it needs to be a week in advance and if you have other plans then the answer is no?

Wouldyouguess · 26/10/2023 07:35

BetterPlease · 24/10/2023 14:35

Anytime someone called me a bitch would be the very last time, let alone my mother. No coming back from that. Basic respect is the bare minimum you can expect.

He was talking about his own mother, not OP's. Still shit.

jamjar3 · 26/10/2023 08:04

Me I did quite frankly she's absurd 🤣🤣🤣

Kids are kids shit happens.

They are also his family if she can't accept his family then she ain't no good for him.

If my partner had to look after his nephews when we were supposed to go out. I'd be glad to see them and also want to spend time with them. They aren't kids for long. A restaurant meal can be rearranged for anytime. Save a few quid and buy a pizza instead lol.

Sahmlike · 26/10/2023 08:20

I want to ask you OP, did your partner's sister ever asked your consent in taking care of their children? She should ask you as well not just him. Apparently she is considering his brother is in a better situation to take care of her kids because he is living with you. I would not live with a man who doesn't consider you alongside his nephews. The fact is that your partner's sister is not thinking about you in this situation and taking you for granted without asking your permission before her kids coming to your house. I would just leave this man. He is not worth it. Also kids aged 8 and 10 and breaking iPad is outrageous. I have a two and half year old and who watches his cocomelon on iPad never even through it on the floor.