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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
Fromthebirdsnest · 26/10/2023 08:45

Really sorry to say but this has huge red flags, he thinks his family can destroy your property and not pay, he doesn't respect your boundaries or time together, your job ! & honestly I have 4 children 14-2 and that type of destructive behaviour is not age appropriate for 8&10 .. you need to break up with him before it's too late, honestly he's holding up the line , you don't want this, I promise you find someone kind and respectful that puts you first , you deserve it x

Crafthead · 26/10/2023 09:01

Have the nephews got special needs?

GGee123 · 26/10/2023 09:48

Ugh, wouldn't we all love to give someone a call & dump our children somewhere at a moments notice when we've had a stressful week!!! But you can't, you just have to deal with it, & by the sounds of it if she disciplined her children better she wouldn't need to either.

The fact that DP is bowing to her demands so soon after he's moved in speaks volumes, I'd imagine this relation with his sister has been like this for years so maybe a hard habit to break?

DriftingDora · 26/10/2023 09:58

jamjar3 · 26/10/2023 08:04

Me I did quite frankly she's absurd 🤣🤣🤣

Kids are kids shit happens.

They are also his family if she can't accept his family then she ain't no good for him.

If my partner had to look after his nephews when we were supposed to go out. I'd be glad to see them and also want to spend time with them. They aren't kids for long. A restaurant meal can be rearranged for anytime. Save a few quid and buy a pizza instead lol.

How long have you been a doormat?

DriftingDora · 26/10/2023 10:07

Fromthebirdsnest · 26/10/2023 08:45

Really sorry to say but this has huge red flags, he thinks his family can destroy your property and not pay, he doesn't respect your boundaries or time together, your job ! & honestly I have 4 children 14-2 and that type of destructive behaviour is not age appropriate for 8&10 .. you need to break up with him before it's too late, honestly he's holding up the line , you don't want this, I promise you find someone kind and respectful that puts you first , you deserve it x

If the parents were genuinely concerned for their children they would do two things. One would be to change their (non-existent) parenting and start giving these kids boundaries and secondly would get some help, because quite frankly this isn't normal behaviour for two kids of this age unless there are other factors involved (which OP says there aren't). They behave more like kids of 3 and 4, and if the parents aren't worrying about them then it again demonstrates how they are crap parents.

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 10:30

curtaintwitcher78 · 22/10/2023 11:17

Who on earth has voted that she's being unreasonable!

I did. I think it's a bit like a step parent relationship in the sense that if you enter a relationship with a partner who has a significant relationship already in place with a child or children, whether their own, or nephews, or godchildren or whatever, you need to accept that that relationship is in place and it's not really OK to go into a relationship and say 'it's me or them'.

Does sound like the kids are badly behaved but the OP realistically can't change that. But to say that the partner needs to see his nephews less when the relationship is clearly significant for him, and the children, that's just not OK.

If a partner told me to see less of my nephew I'd tell them to get stuffed.

I reckon OP needs to suck it up.

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 10:47

DriftingDora · 26/10/2023 10:07

If the parents were genuinely concerned for their children they would do two things. One would be to change their (non-existent) parenting and start giving these kids boundaries and secondly would get some help, because quite frankly this isn't normal behaviour for two kids of this age unless there are other factors involved (which OP says there aren't). They behave more like kids of 3 and 4, and if the parents aren't worrying about them then it again demonstrates how they are crap parents.

Show quote history

Maybe.

Maybe we are also getting a rather one sided story from the OP.

Even if the kids are dreadful and the parents are rubbish, what to do? As an outsider you can't come into a family dynamic and change an uncle's relationship with his nephews or the way your boyfriend's sister raises her kids. There's an argument for putting in place some ground rules around kids in the house but stopping a longstanding arrangement where he helps out with childcare for his nephews I don't think is reasonable.

Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2023 11:35

I am a step parent and would not tolerate the situation described by the OP. Decent manners and respect should prevail no matter who arrived first

DriftingDora · 26/10/2023 12:45

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 10:47

Maybe.

Maybe we are also getting a rather one sided story from the OP.

Even if the kids are dreadful and the parents are rubbish, what to do? As an outsider you can't come into a family dynamic and change an uncle's relationship with his nephews or the way your boyfriend's sister raises her kids. There's an argument for putting in place some ground rules around kids in the house but stopping a longstanding arrangement where he helps out with childcare for his nephews I don't think is reasonable.

Show quote history

This is just illogical. Why isn't it completely reasonable? If the arrangement's not working, why shouldn't it be ended? Are the parents going to rely on other people until their ill-mannered kids are 18?

Are the parents being 'reasonable' in inflicting their kids - the ones THEY decided to bring into the world - on someone else (oh, yes...the lovely uncle that the parents are simply unable to put up in their home now that the OP's finally seen the light and chucked him out - or let's hope she has). The parents are total pisstakers, and to pander to them is to encourage them to ignore their responsibilities.

CliantheLang · 26/10/2023 13:22

I reckon OP needs to suck it up.

No she doesn't. If you'd bother to read the OP's updates, the Cheeky Fucker's already been dumped.

Wouldyouguess · 26/10/2023 14:54

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 10:30

I did. I think it's a bit like a step parent relationship in the sense that if you enter a relationship with a partner who has a significant relationship already in place with a child or children, whether their own, or nephews, or godchildren or whatever, you need to accept that that relationship is in place and it's not really OK to go into a relationship and say 'it's me or them'.

Does sound like the kids are badly behaved but the OP realistically can't change that. But to say that the partner needs to see his nephews less when the relationship is clearly significant for him, and the children, that's just not OK.

If a partner told me to see less of my nephew I'd tell them to get stuffed.

I reckon OP needs to suck it up.

Show quote history

But he's not a stepparent, and she didn't pick a man with no children but a man child cheeky fucker with cheeky fuckers as family. His private arrrangements should be consulted with op, not imposed. It's her home, not a shared one, for him to tell "It is what it is and you're a bitch of you don't accept it" only shows she dodged a bullet. She didn't tell him to avoid seeing nephews but to consult with her and not make inconvenient arrangements, seeing as he's avoiding looking after the kids himself and expects her to look after them.

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2023 16:19

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 10:30

I did. I think it's a bit like a step parent relationship in the sense that if you enter a relationship with a partner who has a significant relationship already in place with a child or children, whether their own, or nephews, or godchildren or whatever, you need to accept that that relationship is in place and it's not really OK to go into a relationship and say 'it's me or them'.

Does sound like the kids are badly behaved but the OP realistically can't change that. But to say that the partner needs to see his nephews less when the relationship is clearly significant for him, and the children, that's just not OK.

If a partner told me to see less of my nephew I'd tell them to get stuffed.

I reckon OP needs to suck it up.

Show quote history

The OP doesn't need to suck it up.

She's within her rights to dump this waste of space for being disrespectful and taking her for granted.

Which she's done.

Why should she suck up someone moving in with her and then risking her job and trashing her house? I'm confused as why this is somehow something a woman should put up with.

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2023 16:22

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 10:47

Maybe.

Maybe we are also getting a rather one sided story from the OP.

Even if the kids are dreadful and the parents are rubbish, what to do? As an outsider you can't come into a family dynamic and change an uncle's relationship with his nephews or the way your boyfriend's sister raises her kids. There's an argument for putting in place some ground rules around kids in the house but stopping a longstanding arrangement where he helps out with childcare for his nephews I don't think is reasonable.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if its onesided from the OP!

Its how she feels.

The nephews are not her responsibility to correct. NOR are they the responsibility of her ex.

The OP has opted out of coming into the family dynamic - because it was toxic. The OP's ex was trying to impose the toxic on her by bringing it into her house, when he could still be an uncle and look after his nephews at their house.

OP doesn't have to do ANYTHING she is unhappy with. This is the point!

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:08

DriftingDora · 26/10/2023 12:45

This is just illogical. Why isn't it completely reasonable? If the arrangement's not working, why shouldn't it be ended? Are the parents going to rely on other people until their ill-mannered kids are 18?

Are the parents being 'reasonable' in inflicting their kids - the ones THEY decided to bring into the world - on someone else (oh, yes...the lovely uncle that the parents are simply unable to put up in their home now that the OP's finally seen the light and chucked him out - or let's hope she has). The parents are total pisstakers, and to pander to them is to encourage them to ignore their responsibilities.

Show quote history

Awww i read it differently. My read is the boyfriend is a nice guy who enjoys spending time with his nephews. Maybe you / we wouldn’t like them but that’s not the point, sounds like he does! And I don’t think the OP is right to challenge that.

if it was that the boyfriend was being put upon and doesn’t like having them over etc i would think differently but it sounds like he loves them.

he sounds like a keeper ;-)

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2023 17:11

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:08

Awww i read it differently. My read is the boyfriend is a nice guy who enjoys spending time with his nephews. Maybe you / we wouldn’t like them but that’s not the point, sounds like he does! And I don’t think the OP is right to challenge that.

if it was that the boyfriend was being put upon and doesn’t like having them over etc i would think differently but it sounds like he loves them.

he sounds like a keeper ;-)

Show quote history

Maybe the OP can send you his number because the OP has thrown him back as not being compatible with her life.

I mean inviting kids around without checking with the person who not only owns the property but is trying to work is pretty damn disrespectful and not a great starting point...

...if you think this is something that men should aspire to, you might want to reconsider your standards

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:13

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2023 16:22

It doesn't matter if its onesided from the OP!

Its how she feels.

The nephews are not her responsibility to correct. NOR are they the responsibility of her ex.

The OP has opted out of coming into the family dynamic - because it was toxic. The OP's ex was trying to impose the toxic on her by bringing it into her house, when he could still be an uncle and look after his nephews at their house.

OP doesn't have to do ANYTHING she is unhappy with. This is the point!

Show quote history

I’m lost in terms of reference to an ex.

my read was that the OP has a nice boyfriend who has an arrangement where he looks after his nephews regularly and now they live together she would like to change this arrangement and he would not.

whether the kids are good or bad or whatnot is kind of beside the point, he likes them and wants to see them?

maybe she could figure out a way she doesn’t have to (like going to restaurant with mate instead), but i’d no more tell a partner not to spend time with nieces and nephews than i’d try and get them to end friendships or any other relationships?

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:15

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2023 17:11

Maybe the OP can send you his number because the OP has thrown him back as not being compatible with her life.

I mean inviting kids around without checking with the person who not only owns the property but is trying to work is pretty damn disrespectful and not a great starting point...

...if you think this is something that men should aspire to, you might want to reconsider your standards

Show quote history

I don’t ask permission from my partner to have family over. He doesn’t ask me. Its both of our home!

Wouldyouguess · 26/10/2023 17:18

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:08

Awww i read it differently. My read is the boyfriend is a nice guy who enjoys spending time with his nephews. Maybe you / we wouldn’t like them but that’s not the point, sounds like he does! And I don’t think the OP is right to challenge that.

if it was that the boyfriend was being put upon and doesn’t like having them over etc i would think differently but it sounds like he loves them.

he sounds like a keeper ;-)

Show quote history

But he doe snot enjoy spending time with them- he was upset he had to spend the evening with them looking after them himself. He wa shappy for them to iunterrupt OPs work while he was working in peace and they wer ebanging and screaming at her door as she was in a meeting. He invites them to her home without her knowing. He coould go and babysit at his sisters, but the idea was to spend time with OP looking after the feral children.

Jeannie88 · 26/10/2023 17:29

Thing is once you do something once and then again, it seems to become expected by many people, like setting up an arrangement. I learnt this quite a few years ago and had to break the expected cycle so it became the norm NOT to do it. Maybe that's what needs to happen here? Sorry, can't do this weekend and repeat. Very lucky thay have the luxury of getting free childcare every couple of weekends but shouldn't be expected. Time to make a stand. Xx

Coffeepot72 · 26/10/2023 17:38

he sounds like a keeper ;-)

@KingsHeath53 sorry love, but what planet are you on??

Caroparo52 · 26/10/2023 17:38

No fucking way put up with this shit.
Out he goes. Your place is not a play zone for ungrateful DPS to book for free when she's stressed.
He can entertain the DN at her house and eat the pizza with them there. If he cancels on you again then cancel the relationship

RedToothBrush · 26/10/2023 18:38

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:13

I’m lost in terms of reference to an ex.

my read was that the OP has a nice boyfriend who has an arrangement where he looks after his nephews regularly and now they live together she would like to change this arrangement and he would not.

whether the kids are good or bad or whatnot is kind of beside the point, he likes them and wants to see them?

maybe she could figure out a way she doesn’t have to (like going to restaurant with mate instead), but i’d no more tell a partner not to spend time with nieces and nephews than i’d try and get them to end friendships or any other relationships?

Show quote history

I'm not surprised that you are lost by the reference to an ex.

You have seemed to have struggled to read the thread.

DriftingDora · 26/10/2023 19:06

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:08

Awww i read it differently. My read is the boyfriend is a nice guy who enjoys spending time with his nephews. Maybe you / we wouldn’t like them but that’s not the point, sounds like he does! And I don’t think the OP is right to challenge that.

if it was that the boyfriend was being put upon and doesn’t like having them over etc i would think differently but it sounds like he loves them.

he sounds like a keeper ;-)

Show quote history

Here's an idea then - you be his keeper! You sound like an ideal match.😄

IncomingTraffic · 26/10/2023 19:20

He sounds like a keeper?

He shows no regard for his partner, lets her down at the last minute, allows his nephews to break her stuff, and tries to make her feel bad about objecting.

How low are your standards?

IncomingTraffic · 26/10/2023 19:22

KingsHeath53 · 26/10/2023 17:15

I don’t ask permission from my partner to have family over. He doesn’t ask me. Its both of our home!

Show quote history

Do you allow your family to interrupt his work or break his stuff?

Do you sulk and complain if he continues with his plans rather than dropping everything to accommodate your desire to have your family over?

Do you expect him to be there to do the work and make spending time with your family less painful for you?

Because, if you do, you are the problem.

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