To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

Well done OP!
Steel yourself for the inevitable emotional blackmail to follow...don't give in!

Omg was that their plan? To have a party at yours?

How did he react to being turfed out?

Well done!

I'm assuming you had a proper chat first so it's sad that he couldn't realise the harm he was doing to your relationship. I'm sorry OP.

Well done OP. Can't of been easy but you and your home deserve to be respected.

Blimey OP, what happened? And were they planning to hold a halloween party at your house (god forbid)??

Why can't he look after them at his sister's house and leave you in peace??

Good question. What did he used to do, before he met you OP?

Why can't he look after them at his sister's house and leave you in peace??
I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's because his sister and her DH don't want to hear the noise of their badly behaved children so want them out of sight and out of mind in order to relax.
If the kids are somewhere else then it's not their problem.

If his sister and her husband are struggling it’s because of their attitude to parenting explained in this thread 🙄. They chose to have their children, it is therefore their responsibility to raise them. They can ask your DP to have them, by means, and he has every right to say no.

Your problem, in true MN style, is a DP problem!

Hes a man child who expects you to suck up what he is prepared to suffer and that’s a hard no! You had every right to go out as planned and he needs to give his head a wobble! He made a choice and choices have consequences (just like the choice his sister made in having two kids and actively choosing not to parent them effectively).

He should pay for your iPad and your bag, the nephews are old enough to be taught boundaries!!!!

Good for you!

It never fails to amaze/sadden me, how many men are willing to sacrifice their relationship with their partner, just to avoid standing up to one of their relatives.

Sounds like you had a last straw moment. What happened?

@FuchsiaBottles

He now lives with you in your home. He now has to tell his sister I will speak to fuchsia and get back to you. He's not a single guy anymore.

Why is he agreeing to have the kids when you are working from home? You need to tell him what's acceptable and what isn't and he needs to consult you before saying yes as it's not just him looking after the kids it's both of you now. If he insists on looking after them when it's not convenient then he goes to his sisters to look after them. This sounds like it's going to be a permanent thing that every 2 weeks you are expected to have these boys. You need to nip it in the bud and as for him saying yes when yous were going out is a bit shitty. He should have said no, we have plans.

Just saw the update after I posted. Wow, what happened?

Well done. Rip the plaster right off. That was a massive red flag and horrible behaviour/attitude/disrespect on his part. You absolutely don't need that in your life.
Hopefully he will learn a lesson as well.

Understandable!
I hope you are OK Op - being right and doing the best thing doesn't always feel good at first.

I'm so sorry - you're poor daughter!

And for your DHto choose his nephew over his own child is appalling! (I wonder if he would have had the same parenting manner with your child had she been a boy? Or would he have indulged a boy the way he did your nephew?

Either way, your poor daughter has been undermined and her confidence very badly dented - thank heavens he's gone.

We also absolutely DO impose boundaries and tell him off - and that goes for me and DH. Ironically, I am the adult in his life who is MOST likely to tell him off but I'm also one of his absolute favourite people in the world and, given the chance, would be glued to my side all the time (I'm not wild about that).

I can well believe that he is very attached to you.

People forget that children need boundaries - they make them feel safe. Yes, they kick against them, and fight them all the time, but the fact that they are there reassures them.

This child knows exactly where he is with you. This is very important, especially if he is neurodivergent. Inconsistency will be alarming for him and his parents' erratic rules and regulations won't help him at all.

you're poor daughter!

Sorry to quote myself - it was just so that I could grovel an apology for "you're" where it should have been "your".

As Nag the Cobra said - "Kill me! I am ashamed!"

It’s ridiculous. Apparently their area doesn’t have anything going on for Halloween while ours do. So dear old sis sent him a screenshot of a Facebook post and he’s agreed (without consulting me) to have them over for Halloween!!

Apparently too this was all arranged around a week+ ago but as usual I was not notified until the last minute.

He now thinks I’m “cold/selfish/heartless” and “just like my bitch of a mother”.

This actually really pisses me off. Tell your partner it's over and to live out.

sorry but you just have to say to his sister and him "fuck off, my home, not his so it is always going to be your rules"

This is not a nephew problem but a DP problem. Your DP doesn't seem to consider your feelings or want to consult you on important matters.
So actually he is selfish and heartless as he is not considering your needs. If he doesn't want to change then that says it all really

Anytime someone called me a bitch would be the very last time, let alone my mother. No coming back from that. Basic respect is the bare minimum you can expect.

I'm glad that your "bitch of a mother" has taught you not to put up with any cr@p! 😁