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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
Pollyputhekettleon · 22/10/2023 11:28

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:23

It's because "kids will be kids" and he thinks I should have hidden my iPad away better if I didn't want them to see it. His sister can't pay for it because they are apparently stretched thin.

Show quote history

Yikes. Get rid OP. Even if you're absolutely sure you never want children yourself, this is ridiculous.

WhereDoYouGo1 · 22/10/2023 11:28

He can take them out or start saying no. He shouldn’t have them when he is working and can’t supervise them.

Kabanot · 22/10/2023 11:28

It's not the nephews, it's your partner. Saying "no, we already have plans" or keeping kids away from one room of the house when someone's WFH are completely normal things to do.

He actually sounds like a lovely bloke, he just needs some work on boundaries and to appreciate that you don't just fit round his choices.

poetryandwine · 22/10/2023 11:29

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 11:25

So fucking what? They're the parents.

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Agreed. DP should have told his sister he had plans then but he would talk with you about when he could either have the nephews, or care for them at their home.

FaythML · 22/10/2023 11:29

I would manage the situation.
Plan ahead.
Decide which days you can spend with nephews and offer only those.
Plan days out, to keep them busy. Park, long walk, adventure play.

That would be a compromise, which addresses the issues you are having.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2023 11:29

He doesn’t sound like a lovely bloke at all! He’s willing to let his horrible nephews trash OP’s belongings and disrupt her work because he’s too weak to upset his useless sister.

Original poster
FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:30

TiredMamOfTwo · 22/10/2023 11:23

Is there any reason why they behave so badly? Like Sen reasons?

If not I'd tell DP once a month and that's it, if he wants to have time with them the rest of the time he's to take them out and drop them off home until their parents can control their behaviour better.

No SEN. It's not really my place to pass judgement but his sister and DP has this idea that "kids will be kids" (that's their mantra) and that there's only a limited time when you can run around screaming and playing before you have to "grow up". There's this whole other thing where DP thinks that we should treat his nephews like they're our friends but younger which I won't get into because I don't have the energy.

OP posts:
BrendaMcPherson · 22/10/2023 11:30
  1. Well done for going out and leaving DP to babysit the annoying little shits.
  2. Kick DP to the kerb
AdoraBell · 22/10/2023 11:30

YANBU, tell him this set up isn’t working and he’ll need to move out.

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/10/2023 11:30

Kabanot · 22/10/2023 11:28

It's not the nephews, it's your partner. Saying "no, we already have plans" or keeping kids away from one room of the house when someone's WFH are completely normal things to do.

He actually sounds like a lovely bloke, he just needs some work on boundaries and to appreciate that you don't just fit round his choices.

He's lovely to his sister but not to OP. She had to pay out of her own pocket for her IPad they broke:

'It's because "kids will be kids" and he thinks I should have hidden my iPad away better if I didn't want them to see it. His sister can't pay for it because they are apparently stretched thin.'

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/10/2023 11:31

The nephews once per fortnight aren't a problem per se.

The nephew's disruptive and distractive behaviour
The ad hoc last minute nature of requests
The fact your DP is happy to dump and and any plans
The expectation you will entertain them
The lack of payment for your things by his sister and DH formypur destroyed possessions....

These are the problems

I have NO CLUE why he wouldn't say I hav edonner plans Friday we can see them Saturday.

At 8 and 10 they should be able to sit and watch some Netflix, read a book or play a boardgame.

I honestly could not see a future with someone like this. You and your future children and going to be constantly deprioritised for his nephews and sister..

You need a sot down and clear and full discussion on what is reasonable of he can't push back or stick to it, make plans to exit...

Redburnett · 22/10/2023 11:31

It's unlikely to get better, just tell him very explicitly that you wanted a relationship with him, not someone else's children. He has a choice (but it is obvious what he will choose). You also have a choice: accept your DPs priorities or end the relationship.

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 11:31

Your fella owes you for the ipad and bag.

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/10/2023 11:33

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:30

No SEN. It's not really my place to pass judgement but his sister and DP has this idea that "kids will be kids" (that's their mantra) and that there's only a limited time when you can run around screaming and playing before you have to "grow up". There's this whole other thing where DP thinks that we should treat his nephews like they're our friends but younger which I won't get into because I don't have the energy.

Edited
Show quote history

Yeah that's a fad going around parenting at the moment. It's one of the reasons there are such huge behavioural problems in schools. Imagine what the teachers of kids like that have to deal with! And if they raise it with the parents they get this insane permissive ideology back in their faces.

whatsappdoc · 22/10/2023 11:33

Well he obviously has no respect for you, your home or your possessions. I can't understand why he's still there! If the relationship is to continue then you need separate living arrangements.

Lavenderosa · 22/10/2023 11:34

I think you need to tell him that the current arrangement isn't working and if he wants to look after his nephews, he needs to do it out of the house because their behaviour is OTT and destructive.

NorthStarRising · 22/10/2023 11:34

Are they in mainstream school?
Do you think they behave like this there?
Why do you think they are choosing to do whatever they like, including hammering and yelling and breaking stuff?
What do you think they’ll be like in a decade?
Thee isn’t a magical Adulting spell that suddenly hits them at 18 and turns them into decent human beings, parents need to put the groundwork in.

Gowlett · 22/10/2023 11:34

He expected you to babysit instead of going to the nice restaurant? You’ve sent him a message loud & clear by going with your friend. Good move, OP. Let him sulk…

Oldthyme · 22/10/2023 11:34

Im pleased you went with a friend for the lovely dinner. Sod his sulks when you got home. Keep it up, don’t compromise.

He needs to man up and set boundaries. Not your circus. He’s being pathetic.

Meanwhile lock expensive or precious items away until you get this entire scenario sorted out.

If he can’t understand where you’re coming from and appreciate your need for a professional WFH environment, I’d be thinking about living separately.

Kittenkitty · 22/10/2023 11:34

Exactly this - if you’re getting landed with them anyway organise it so it works for you and say no unless it’s an emergency. Sounds like the nephew would have been fine going to the football match and just misbehaving there instead of ruining your meeting.

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 11:36

If you want to stay with your drip of a fella then you need to ban the nephews from coming over. You can do that you know

They break your things and disrupt your work. He can look after them if he wants but he'll have to have them somewhere else

HopAPot · 22/10/2023 11:37

Why doesn’t he move in with his his sister and pay her rent? She gets on demand childcare and a second income to pay for all the crap they break!

LoobyDop · 22/10/2023 11:37

I can’t see a scenario where this leads to a nice life for you, OP. You are always going to come second to the sister and the little shits. If you want kids, he’ll want to raise them in the same crap way. You’ll be the only adult, fighting an exhausting and demoralising battle. Or watching your nice kids getting bullied by their awful cousins. And if you don’t want kids… well, he’s effectively already taken that option off the table for you, hasn’t he? Your life is being ruled by them anyway.

MayThe4th · 22/10/2023 11:38

OP, if you don’t want to bin off your dp then I would take a different tack.

Tell his sister that while these children are in your house they will be subject to discipline. So that will mean time out for bad behaviour, removal of privileges, toys, television, snacks, and they will be summarily told off, shouted at even if they don’t behave.

If she doesn’t want her children subjected to discipline then she is free to take them elsewhere.

Itsagreatdaytosavelives · 22/10/2023 11:38

dp needs to move out