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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 22/10/2023 11:17

Who on earth has voted that she's being unreasonable!

Doidontimmm · 22/10/2023 11:18

I’d ask him to move back out! The work thing is totally unacceptable.

3dogsandarabbit · 22/10/2023 11:18

The problem isn't the fact that his sister asks him to look after his nephews now and again, it's that he can't say no. He needs to put you first.

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/10/2023 11:19

They sound really badly behaved for 8 and 10. If you were to ever have kids with him he'd probably be the same. He'd let them run riot and sulk if you didn't deal with the consequences.

Why did you have to pay to replace your IPad? Why didn't he ask his sister to pay for it?

poetryandwine · 22/10/2023 11:20

I am curious as to whether DP has always been on call for his nephews, or whether this is new since he moved in with you?

YANBU but I think it makes a difference in how you solve this

Original poster
FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

3dogsandarabbit · 22/10/2023 11:18

The problem isn't the fact that his sister asks him to look after his nephews now and again, it's that he can't say no. He needs to put you first.

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 22/10/2023 11:21

They sound really badly behaved. Why couldn’t your DP have said no. You had plans - which you did. And he was sulking?!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/10/2023 11:22

I would definitely move him back out, unless he can have boundaries

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2023 11:22

He should never have moved in with you. You know he’s got no boundaries with his sister so what were you thinking without a strong agreement in place about how to limit their impact on you?

He needs to pay for replacement iPad and handbag. No discussion.

The dinner thing is outrageous! How dare he trash your plans by agreeing to babysit, expect you to miss out too then strop about it afterwards?! He’s absolutely pathetic. Well done for going with your friend and not pandering to him.

Now kick him out because he’s showing you exactly how much he thinks of you and your life together. He’s made it clear as day he’d rather upset you than his sister, I mean, come on.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/10/2023 11:22

And he would have paid for the ipad

frazzledasarock · 22/10/2023 11:23

Tell him to move out so he can properly devote time to childminding his nephews on demand, without causing disruption to your work and life.

i don’t think this man is for you. If he agrees to babysit that’s on him, doesn’t sound like he actually does much childcare and lets his nephews run wild. Was he expecting you to actually do the childcare perhaps?

Original poster
FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:23

Pollyputhekettleon · 22/10/2023 11:19

They sound really badly behaved for 8 and 10. If you were to ever have kids with him he'd probably be the same. He'd let them run riot and sulk if you didn't deal with the consequences.

Why did you have to pay to replace your IPad? Why didn't he ask his sister to pay for it?

It's because "kids will be kids" and he thinks I should have hidden my iPad away better if I didn't want them to see it. His sister can't pay for it because they are apparently stretched thin.

OP posts:
Hipnotised · 22/10/2023 11:23

I'm so glad you went out, I'd have done the same!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2023 11:23

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

Since these horribly behaved kids are his sister and her husband’s that’s perfectly reasonable!

TiredMamOfTwo · 22/10/2023 11:23

Is there any reason why they behave so badly? Like Sen reasons?

If not I'd tell DP once a month and that's it, if he wants to have time with them the rest of the time he's to take them out and drop them off home until their parents can control their behaviour better.

NorthStarRising · 22/10/2023 11:24

I think you did well to go to the restaurant without him, it’s a start.
If you don’t want to end the live-in relationship, then you need to continue with clam, clear boundaries like that. His nephews, his problem. Make it clear that it isn’t a shared one.
Is he 50/50 on everything to do with household expenses? Or is he trading sex for all-inclusive care of him and his relatives?
Every time.

FrenchandSaunders · 22/10/2023 11:24

8 and 10 and they behave like that! They sound more like toddlers!

I wouldn’t have them round and I’m glad you went to the restaurant with a friend and not a bloody pizza with the kids. Can’t he say no to her?

Original poster
FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:24

poetryandwine · 22/10/2023 11:20

I am curious as to whether DP has always been on call for his nephews, or whether this is new since he moved in with you?

YANBU but I think it makes a difference in how you solve this

His mum used to be the one on call but she can no longer manage so now DP is the de facto on call childcare person.

OP posts:
FloweryName · 22/10/2023 11:25

He can do lots of uncle babysitting duty if he wants to, but he has no right to force you into it.

I don’t understand why he’s sulking at you for going to the restaurant without him when he should be apologising for letting you down. His completely lack of understanding here would put me off him because how can you be reasonable with someone who doesn’t understand basic courtesy?

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 22/10/2023 11:25

curtaintwitcher78 · 22/10/2023 11:17

Who on earth has voted that she's being unreasonable!

Probably those who think OP is being unreasonable for blaming the nephews (as per the title) when it’s actually her partner who’s to blame.

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 11:25

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

So fucking what? They're the parents.

Hankunamatata · 22/10/2023 11:27

Get dp to look after the kids at his sisters house

OhComeOnFFS · 22/10/2023 11:27

Your boyfriend is a knob. Good for you for going for the meal without him.

After living on your own, how can you stand having his nephews running around ruining your things? And your boyfriend doesn't give a shit about you - he will put everyone before you.

I'd tell him it's not working, him living with you, and it's time for him to move out again. He can go to his sister's while he's looking for a place to live.

Redburnett · 22/10/2023 11:28

It's a DP problem. Tell him either he prioritises you over his nephews or LTB.

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 11:28

Tell him to move out immediately. He can go to his mums till he gets sorted. Or he can move in with his sister and be the unpaid babysitter.

Does he not realise that taking these kids into your house without asking you isn't on?