To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

Is dp's sister going to return the fortnightly favour if you and dp have kids?? Did he have his own flat before moving into yours>> take it dp's mother cannot cope with the misbehaviour!! very much doubt it! What make her think that YOUR flat has accomodation for her kids? as for this happening fortnightly, it sounds more like a paternal visitation that uncle babysitting! I would tell dp that no one stays in your flat and he feels the need to babysit (because they are behaving like 4 year olds) then he has to babysit them at their own home because you want a long lie on a saturday morning!!

What happened before he moved in? If he agrees he needs to expect to do so alone and take them out.

The Mum who was good enough for childcare until she was no longer able?

1. He pays for the IPAD. They were his responsibility at the time. What if it had been a window or the TV? Should you have put those away.
2. They don't come when you or he is WFH. You are working and not available to babysit.
3. They are HIS responsibility when there. They are HIS family. Not yours, even as his partner.

I had to reread to check their ages. I thought you were talking about 3 and 4yo. You partner needs to introduce boundaries, take care eof the kids by himself (outside your house) or move out. Don't you dare change your plans for babysitting (they shouldnt even need babysitting anymore) unless it is a genuine emergency.

He's "recently" moved in? He can move right back out again! This is YOUR home, he should not be letting his destructive nephews run around in it.

No childcare for DNs at your house.

If DP doesn’t like it he can move back out.

Respectfully disagree... the issues in OPs relationship with Uncle Pushover should remain there. Not be shared with his sister. For all sorts of reasons, including the fact that this will set OP up as the bad guy and Uncle P up as the weak link for every single boundary they ever try to set about anything.

OP should talk to Uncle P and suggest two ways forward.

1. Uncle P tells his sister that unfortunately it did not work having the nephews over, as they broke property, disturbed work time, and interrupted a pre-existing plan he'd made with his partner. Babysitting at Uncle P's place therefore will not be happening again until the boys are old enough to be respectful of others. He acknowledges he has tolerated their behaviour before, but explains that his life has changed significantly, it is not only his time/property/employment on the line any more, and as he reflects on the behaviour he has experienced from nephews, he realises it just isn't compatible with his new life situation. At no time does he blame OP for any of this. IF Uncle P wants to offer an alternative - eg caring for the boys at their own home, or taking them out, etc - that is up to him, however he must not commit OP to anything without OP's express permission, or commit himself at times that would detract from his relationship and shared responsibilities with OP.
2. Uncle P and OP do not live together. Uncle P may host the nephews in his own home, but not in OP's home. OP and Uncle P both consider if that's a relationship they wish to pursue.

Your house, your rules.

rule 1 . no kids

If he wants to babysit then he can go to their house to do it, let them wreck their own belongings.

There's no problem with the sister asking, lots of us rely on short notice help from family
But if he's never said no to her how is she supposed to know its too much.
Has he told her when they have broken stuff? Has he ever tried to discipline them, and are they just as bad at home or only for the fun uncle?

I wonder this all the time on threads. I think there's probably some people who just do it to be unpleasant.

DP has recently moved in with me.

I would be telling him he will be moving straight back out (and mean it) if he can't understand why that was a problem. No point in prolonging the pain, letting resentment build on both sides and then splitting.

Absolutely be there for his family in an emergency, but this was not an emergency.

So if you have children with him you have been prewarned he'll be Disney Dad.

I couldn't respect anyone that wet

Sounds like there are two main problems

Your dp sister is taking advantage
Her kids are a nightmare

Ages 8 and 10 are old enough to be told off if they are breaking stuff and basically being little brats. Your dp needs to tell his sister they are out of control.

Your dp needs to tell his sister when they are controllable the occasional step in to help is OK but only as a last minute.

If that doesn’t work, or if it’s something your dp feels he can’t do and he wants to not upset her then. I’d move house!

They chose to have two kids. You didn’t. It’s really not your responsibility to be their unpaid babysitter.

Well another poster suggested that some people might say she's being unreasonable for how she's worded the title of the thread. I mean seriously. Allowing pedantry to cause a person to think they're unreasonable for feeling how they do!? Probably the same people throwing #bekind everywhere 🤣

@Nanny0gg makes a good point.

Having seen this play out in front of you, you couldn’t possibly consider having children with him yourself surely?

Genuinely can’t see how anyone could think you were being unreasonable!!

anyone who voted YABU - why?!

I don’t think the sister has done anything wrong, or the nephews. Ok maybe the behaviour isn’t great but that’s their choice how to raise their kids and the kids are just a result.
Your issue is 100% your dp. It’s lovely he wants to be a good brother and uncle, but he can’t do it at others expense, either financial or time.
He made arrangements with you. He should not have cancelled them, let alone sulked that you went ahead (good call btw). He should not agree to babysit and then expect you to help do it, or be disturbed in your work. He needs to disturb his work before he allows that to happen as it’s his commitment. He shouldn’t allow them to wreck your house or destroy your things and he should replace them if they do. He has shown a complete lack of respect for you.
If you want to go forward you need to agree he takes 100% responsibility for his nephews, he asks you before bringing them to your home. Ideally he babysits them at their home. And mostly that you are considered and respected.

@FuchsiaBottles but they are not his kids so why would he feel bad?! His sister chose to have them!

I assume they’re the pisstakers who feel entitled to everyone else me on demand childcare on the basis that ‘it’s family’.

At least it’s only 4%.

Yeah there was a big fallout. Mum lost control once and yelled at the kids and I believe smacked them so now it's all up to DP for childcare.

And I wonder if the bad time with their own mother was due to inconsistency in the way she brought them up. Kids need fair and consistent boundaries because otherwise they don’t recognise what reasonable behaviour looks like, and if they don’t recognise it as children they often don’t recognise it as adults, which is why consequently so many adults behave appallingly , have poor social skills and are selfish and entitled.

I think the fact that he did this without asking you and you then continued with your plans to go for a meal (leaving him to deal with the situation which he got himself into) is absolutely perfect. He doesn’t get to cancel your night out and lump you with babysitting naughty kids - it’s just thoughtless. Next time, he might think before assuming.

He should pay for a new IPAD too