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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 22/10/2023 11:56

This is nothing to do with the children and everything to do with your partners inability to say no.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 11:57

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:30

No SEN. It's not really my place to pass judgement but his sister and DP has this idea that "kids will be kids" (that's their mantra) and that there's only a limited time when you can run around screaming and playing before you have to "grow up". There's this whole other thing where DP thinks that we should treat his nephews like they're our friends but younger which I won't get into because I don't have the energy.

Edited
Show quote history

It's your home.

If you're willing to put up with your 'D' P going along with this shit then you have options:

Your house, your rules. Enforce them. The kids are old enough to behave. Sanctions if disobeyed

Get them out so you don't have to put up with indoor rampage

If they must come once a fortnight, YOU decide on the day. It's pre-arranged with no deviation. His sister can suck it up

Your partner re-imburses you for your IPad.

You ditch your partner.

CruCru · 22/10/2023 11:58

He expects you to act like his wife (and the nephew’s aunt) but it is much too soon for that.

MumHereAgain2023 · 22/10/2023 11:58

Why are you with him? Your dp is a walkover and this won't change.
Either he does or I think he needs to move out.
And you need to end it.

androidnotapple · 22/10/2023 11:59

do not have kids with this man!

skyeisthelimit · 22/10/2023 11:59

Your DP is excusing their behaviour which is wrong. They should have been read the riot act for breaking the ipad, and also for running around while you are working. At 8 and 10 they are old enough to behave and sit quietly for a bit.

However, if DP has agreed to have them then he should be looking after them and keeping them away from you. If he is working then he should tell his sister that he can't have them. WFH does not mean he is available.

You did the right thing in going for the meal, as it was him that agreed to have the kids not you. If he isn't prepared to look after them on his own then he shouldn't offer.

I would have claimed a new ipad on the house insurance though, I wouldn't have been out of pocket over it.

You need to have a serious talk to put boundaries in place and make it clear that if you are both working then they cannot come over, and that when they do come over, he needs to keep them in line.

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/10/2023 11:59

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

Why does he feel bad they parents it's their actual job to look after their kids? If it's stressful for his sister and husband it's because the kids have no manners. I wouldn't blanket ban the kids but there has to be restrictions, like not during work hours, not last minute when you have plans, it's him babysitting not you

Original poster
FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:00

TripleDaisySummer · 22/10/2023 11:42

Why if he knew there was an important meeting and the DN can't behave themselves didn't he take them out to run round a field or something.

I think you have two problem lack of consideration from DP and very poorly behaved guests.

There are strategies for managing the poorly behaved guests have them out a lot and have firm boundaries and tell them off - it's not that uncommon for kids that age to behave for some people/places and not others - but that would require some cooperation from DP but given his lack of consideration for you I'm not sure you'll have that.

So talk to DP tell him how angry you are at the lack of respect shown to you by him and to you and your things by his DN - if that gets you no-where ask him to move out.

DP is always over-optimistic about how things will turn out. On that day we had the younger nephew (he was 7 then). His plan was that nephew would be on the Xbox for 1 hour while he finishes up with work and then he'll take him out for ice-cream. His work took longer than expected, now the nephew is demanding ice cream, complaining that the Xbox is boring since his brother isn't there (even though they always argue over the Xbox anyway), and it all just went downhill.

DP will not tell off his nephews no matter what because he thinks we should all be friends and he doesn't want his nephews to grow up disliking their "strict uncle".

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2023 12:01

Well firstly, well done for not missing out on the nice restaurant!
'Kids will be kids' loosely translates to lazy parenting and feral children and there's no way they would be in my home until they learnt how to behave.

A previous poster suggested arranging one day a month (or whatever suits you) to take them out and do something with them. This is then on your terms and the drippy parents get a day/morning/afternoon to recover from the ferals that they've created
Would that work?

I would 100% be telling your partner firmly that you're not prepared to tolerate this situation from them all and if it doesn't stop then you will be reevaluating the relationship.

meganorks · 22/10/2023 12:02

Does he honestly not see that there is a difference between agreeing to look after the kids when you have nothing on and ruining plans you've made well in advance?! The fact it wasn't any kind of emergency either, just his sister fancied a nice dinner with her husband, without her PITA kids! I'm glad you went without him, I'd be fucking fuming!

I think he needs to not agree to anything if you've already made plans and not have them last minute unless an actual emergency.

therealcookiemonster · 22/10/2023 12:03

OP do you really want a LT relationship + maybe kids who thinks "kids will be kids" - he will take the same approach with his own and then you will be stuck with ill disciplined children 24/ not just once a fortnight.

SandyY2K · 22/10/2023 12:03

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

That's being a parent.

If he wants to babysit, then HE has to do it. Not YOU.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 22/10/2023 12:04

I wouldn’t expect that behaviour from a 4 year old let alone their ages.

Original poster
FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:04

I am doing some armchair psychology here but what I tell myself is that DP and his sister had a bad time growing up with their mother who they are both now NC with so that's the explanation for why he's so protective and won't say no to his sister and why they are so lenient, for lack of a better word, with the 2 boys.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 22/10/2023 12:06

A red flag is his sulking and failing to take responsibility for his own decision.

How he responsed to your reasonable boundary is concerning. He should have been "Glad you had a good time, the boys have been a nightmare again, I need to take to my sister about discipline as their behaviour isn't acceptable"

rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2023 12:06

I've just read your update that you posted whilst I was posting. He doesn't want to tell them off because he wants to be their friend??? Children don't need family to be friends, they need stability and boundaries! He can still be fun uncle but not when they're being absolute arses!

Honestly @FuchsiaBottles could you imagine having children with this man? You'd be a mug if you do!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/10/2023 12:06

The sister and BiL might not need to ‘stress out’ for so much of the time if they bothered to set some boundaries for their little sods of kids.

Frasers · 22/10/2023 12:07

rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2023 12:06

I've just read your update that you posted whilst I was posting. He doesn't want to tell them off because he wants to be their friend??? Children don't need family to be friends, they need stability and boundaries! He can still be fun uncle but not when they're being absolute arses!

Honestly @FuchsiaBottles could you imagine having children with this man? You'd be a mug if you do!

She didn’t write that, she wrote they should all be friends, so in the context means get along.

TripleDaisySummer · 22/10/2023 12:07

DP will not tell off his nephews no matter what because he thinks we should all be friends and he doesn't want his nephews to grow up disliking their "strict uncle".

You can try - always check with you first before saying yes to babysitting.
You can try having realistic plans in place - based on previous behavior.
You can try being the one to tell off and say no and insist on not being undermined in your own house.

However - if you don't have your DP on side all the above is useless -these kids aren't being taught correct behavior by parents or by their uncle so are unlikely to get better for years and your DP can't seem to say no to his family.

So I sadly suspect you have a fundamental incompatibility problem.

Pertangyangkipperbang · 22/10/2023 12:08

They are his sisters kids.. why do people who have kids these days always need down time etc?.don't have kids if you can't cope with then 24/7.
Or get a baby sitter for a night out.. not put on people.

Retrievemysanity · 22/10/2023 12:09

It’s great that he wants to help out his sister. However, if you already have plans, he should say no to her. It sounds like you’re not his priority. You need to put your foot down, especially regarding the example you gave about when you were working. I would be telling him if he wants to look after them, he needs to do exactly that-look after them which means supervising them if they can’t be trusted not to break things and making sure they don’t disturb you when you’re working. That’s the absolute minimum. How he is behaving and letting them behave in your house is disrespectful.

Distantview · 22/10/2023 12:09

You have to put your foot down.

Firstly, if he's working, he's working and he can't look after kids at the same time.

Secondly, your relationship has to come first. He can't agree to childcare if you've already arranged something for the two of you unless you agree too.

Thirdly HE looks after the feral kids, he can't expect you to get involved and if they break anything, it has to be paid for - either by his sister or him.

If he won't agree to the above, you really have to kick him out, there's no hope for your relationship, it will only get worse.

HermioneWeasley · 22/10/2023 12:10

I voted YABU because it’s not your nephews, it’s your DP that’s the problem.

ginasevern · 22/10/2023 12:10

@FuchsiaBottles

Why does your partner feel so bad for his sister? Does she have a particularly awful life, illness, what? Has he been conditioned by his mother to step up as "the big, supportive brother"? Regardless, this is a ludicrous situation and, apart from the odd occasion (which has been mutually agreed in advance, or maybe a genuine emergency) you should be his priority not his nephews. Just imagine having kids with him. He would always want to be the nice parent whilst you would be the bad guy. I would quit this relationship now before it all ends in tears - probably yours.

HerMammy · 22/10/2023 12:10

Time for not so DP to move back out, his sister sounds like a CF with equally cheeky badly behaved brats.
10/8 are not toddlers; breaking stuff, covering things in ice cream.
Off him and the wee arseholes go!!