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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
Goodornot · 22/10/2023 12:24

It's your home and his nephews aren't welcome in it. He can move back out.

Don't have kids with him this is how he'll behave. Leaving it to the woman.

Cherrysoup · 22/10/2023 12:25

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

But she chose to have kids, you didn’t!

Missingmyusername · 22/10/2023 12:26

He needs to look after the kids at his sisters house.
Why are the children so poorly behaved, your partner should be replacing the items his family breaks or damages.

whiteroseredrose · 22/10/2023 12:26

Big red flag there. Your needs consistently come second to his sister's.

Well done for still going out for your meal. He chose to miss it, more fool him. He has no right to sulk about it.

He is making obligations for you without your agreement which is not on. Particularly if you are working.

So going forward I'd say that he is free to babysit if he chooses - but at his sister's house. Until they learn to behave they are not welcome in yours.

honeylulu · 22/10/2023 12:27

This will never work if he won't stand up to her. I'm really pleased you went to the restaurant anyway.

My husband (then boyfriend) used to get strong armed by his sister into babysitting for niece. He agreed a couple of times assuming I'd join him and my response was no you don't decide how I'm spending my Saturday night without even asking. He was quite put out but did start saying no after that unless we discussedand agreed in advance. One of his arguments had been "well when we have children she'll return the favour". Reader, we did have kids later and as I could have predicted she absolutely did not!

JudgeJ · 22/10/2023 12:27

3dogsandarabbit · 22/10/2023 11:18

The problem isn't the fact that his sister asks him to look after his nephews now and again, it's that he can't say no. He needs to put you first.

He needs to put himself first, sounds like his sister is happy to dump her obnoxious sprogs on anyone to absolve her and their father of being decent parents.

DriftingDora · 22/10/2023 12:28

Your heading is wrong, OP - it's not the nephews (although they sound like ill-mannered brats who behave at least 4 years younger than their age). It's your wimp of a DP. You are joining him in the wimpery, too - for goodness sake, this is 2023, not 1823: when did he get to call the shots and encourage you to join him in acting as Mary Poppins to his sister and BiL's kids? Woman up - tell him the door's that way....and to take the kids with him. For gawd's sake, what some women will put up with.....desperation.

IncompleteSenten · 22/10/2023 12:28

YABU. It's not his nephews that are 'tearing you apart'. It's your partner's choices and priorities that are doing the damage.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 22/10/2023 12:28

Dump him or put up with it forever. He’s got nothing in between his legs and is too old to drop now.

PrimalOwl10 · 22/10/2023 12:29

The kids sound awful I'm not suprised the grandmother was at the end of her tether although she shouldn't have smacked them but at those ages without sen they should not be behaving like that. Your sil is a pisstaker, she decided to have 2 chileren, she needs to parent them, not put on the rest of the family. Sounds like the grandmother was burned out by it and sils gone nc.

You have a choice put up with the status quo because it won't change and you'll be low in the picking order or end the relationship and kick him out. Imagine having dc with him will be hell. Only you can make a choice. Suck it up or leave.

WillowCraft · 22/10/2023 12:29

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

But it's their children! Nice that he wants to help them but he needs to be able to say no if it doesn't suit him. Letting you down at short notice is appalling behaviour and I wouldn't allow them in the house while you're working

EvenBetta · 22/10/2023 12:29

Why did you move him in to your house? Would it not make more sense and be far more enjoyable to date and live separately? You’re choosing to have peoples badly raised kids in your house, trashing it, and a crap, sulking man.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2023 12:29

In Mn words, you have a DP problem!

He needs to start saying no to his sister. If he can’t, he has to realise that he’s agreeing for himself only, it doesn’t bind you to his plans to be on call childcare.

It does sound very badly behaved and destructive for 8 and 10. My 9 yo has ADHD and understands perfectly well to leave me alone if he’s at home and I have meetings (I don’t do it much but if there’s an exceptional reason why he has to be at home whilst I wfh)

diddl · 22/10/2023 12:30

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:22

Yeah there was a big fallout. Mum lost control once and yelled at the kids and I believe smacked them so now it's all up to DP for childcare.

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It's not up to him though is it?

He chooses to do it.

Unless I've misunderstood they don't need childcare, they just want it.

StarryNightAddict · 22/10/2023 12:31

You have 3 options.

  1. ask him to move back out.
  2. tell him you can’t afford to keep replacing the things they break and having your work interrupted, therefore they are no longer welcome and he can babysit them elsewhere.
  3. carry on being a doormat and disrespected in your own home.

personally I’d go for option 1, because he’s a shit partner and a cheapskate to boot. I would have chucked him out as soon as he refused to replace my iPad.

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 22/10/2023 12:31

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:22

Yeah there was a big fallout. Mum lost control once and yelled at the kids and I believe smacked them so now it's all up to DP for childcare.

Show quote history

Well, there's your solution! Give 'em a smack and they'll not be coming to yours anymore.

Just kidding.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/10/2023 12:32

diddl · 22/10/2023 12:12

The Mum who was good enough for childcare until she was no longer able?

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My thoughts exactly...

And if the mother was such a monster why was SIL happy to dump her kids with her at least once a fortnight for years????

He needs to move back out and the nephews arent welcome in your house.

Based on your updates I still don't think you'll have a happy future with this man.

Gillypie23 · 22/10/2023 12:32

He needs to grow up and tells them no. If he has them he goes to their house.

JudgeJ · 22/10/2023 12:33

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

Their stress is their problem, maybe if they had taught their off-spring some manners and decent behaviour then they wouldn't be able to claim 'stress', meaning probably a bit pissed off but 'stress' sounds better and is supposed to elicit more sympathy.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 22/10/2023 12:34

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:04

I am doing some armchair psychology here but what I tell myself is that DP and his sister had a bad time growing up with their mother who they are both now NC with so that's the explanation for why he's so protective and won't say no to his sister and why they are so lenient, for lack of a better word, with the 2 boys.

You've got a lot of advice here already chief of which is he should probably move out. What I will add is do NOT have children with him if this is not sorted out.

You will end up fighting over how to raise your kids which will be draining and soil destroying, and on top of that his sister will still expect you to be childcare cover.

Fundays12 · 22/10/2023 12:37

His sister has chosen to have children and also chosen not to teach them boundaries, consequences or what acceptable behaviour. Now it's up to her and the kids dad to care for the kids. No way would I be tolerating this type of behaviour from my own kids let alone anyone else's. They are far to old to behave like that.

However your DP is the issue not his nephew's because he is allowing his sister to take advantage of him, allowing his nephew's to behave destructively in your home and allowing your relationship to be the bottom of the list of properties after his sister and nephew. Personally I would let him sulk and carry on with your own plans everytime they are there. He agreed to babysit not you so he can deal with the consequences of that offer.

I had an issue with DH recently offering to babysit a family members child. I put my foot down said no way as we have a few kids of our own, he was basically volunteering me because he was at work when care was needed and I find the child nice but hard work because they have no bedtime or rules which impacts negatively on my children's routine and makes them grumpy for days afterwards. I might have been more willing if childcare was recripocated ever but it's not. Tell your DP if he is babysitting he is on his own and you will be doing your own thing because he volunteered not you. If your meant to WFH that day go into the office instead if that's an option and go out afterwards. Let him take full responsibility for the kids as he was the one who offered not you.

Psychonabike · 22/10/2023 12:37

Is there a compromise here @FuchsiaBottles for saving your sanity, your relationship and his relationship with his nephews and sister?

The main problems seem to come from lack of notice, poor planning and lack of discussion around responsibility for the kids when they are there.

Could you have a discussion with DP about this and come to some agreement around:

Whether a regular frequency day and time would work best?
When this should be?
What will happen if there are requests for emergency childcare outside of that?
Who would have primary responsibility when they come (maybe if they weren't coming at such inconvenient times you want to be involved, or maybe you want to make it at a time when you regularly go out?)
Who is responsible for making sure your home is kid safe (ipads away etc)?

There aren't really any rights or wrongs here -you are two people living together who need to communicate about expectations/boundaries etc and either come to an agreement or not. If you can't then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker.

SandyY2K · 22/10/2023 12:37

I'm so pleased that you went out with a friend and didn't miss out. Continue to do this, when he agrees to babysit last minute.

Looking forward to the future of your relationship, nothing will change.

Spareus · 22/10/2023 12:38

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:22

Yeah there was a big fallout. Mum lost control once and yelled at the kids and I believe smacked them so now it's all up to DP for childcare.

Show quote history

It’s not “all up to DP for childcare” - it’s up to the parents!

DriftingDora · 22/10/2023 12:38

Enough already with the 'armchair psychology', OP. Face it - your DP's a pisstaking wimp and you are making excuses for him.

Good luck if you stick with him (and bet the sister in law and brother in law won't be seen for dust if you need a babysitter or a favour later on, this kind are takers, not givers). Just out of interest: why did they have the kids in the first place if they don't want to parent them?